"Ya! It's my treat! Drink all you want..." I smiled cheekily as I pose with a peace sign. 

I'm in a good mood today so I hope nobody brings my mood down. I need this time to embrace myself for drinking and dream about my new crush. I bet Chanyeol and Luhan knows what I'm talking about but there's a new guy in our clique that's laughing awkwardly at the side. He looks down on his knees and scratched the back of his head. 

"Chen! Don't hesitate, just drink as much as you want! We can get wasted together" I said as I felt my spirits just lifting higher thatn usual.

"Ray. Take it easy..." Luhan shook his head.

"Yeah.. You're still a girl anyway." Chanyeol giggled.

I hit Chanyeol on the head knowing what he meant by that. I just knew Chen today and I'm saying stuff I'm not suppose to say. Well, Chanyeol and Luhan knows me, I'm a good drinker and even if I'm a girl, I don't turn guys on when I'm drunk. If I ever get drunk, my habit is being a really manly guy. I just become the most unattractive girl in this world. I remembered the first time I got drunk while drinking with Chanyeol and Luhan, the next day the both of them started to call me Hyung. They said I was swearing at some ahjusshi at a street stall and beating the crap out of him. I don't know how I was able to do that with my small size fist and body. Then again, being drunk doesn't give you any boundaries to do something impossible. 

"You look really different.." Chen finally decided to say something.

"REALLY?" Chanyeol looked at me with eyes wide.

"Yeah... She really looks like a guy with the cap and those clothes."  Chen stared at my clothes before showing a lopsided grin.

"Especially when she doesn't have any.. eeehhmm.." Luhan placed his hand on his own chest before looking down at his own hands.

I laughed along with the guys. I had to because it was true! I mean, look at me, I don't have any assets that guys wants to look at it. Well, to think about it, I was never fond of having any assets anyway because I didn't want to flaunt it. It's more towards hiding it all cause I don't need those! Skating is hard enough with all those extra weight. 

I took my first sip of soju, warming up my taste buds with the bitter and sweet taste of it. I took sip after sip until I had the feel that my tongue and throat was adapting to the taste before taking one shots of every cup the boys poured for me.]

"Tell me Ray, when did you decided to be... a.. guy?" Chen asked in the middle of our drinking session.

"I don't know exactly when but I knew why I decided to be one." it's true, it's all because of that one incident.

"You shouldn't be talking about this..." Chanyeol's gaze was different now.

It's like he knew what I was getting myself into and I felt like my pride was hurt. Does he think that I am still not strong after a few years has passed? I shook my head and he held my hand, warning me that there's no need to talk about it. Well, as the stubborn person I am, I had to! I need to prove to them that I am no longer the Ara that they know. I'm Ray! 

"As a matter of fact, I think I should..." I turned to look at Chen now with a small smile on my face.

"Stop." This time Chanyeol stood up.

"Why? It's the past.. How many years has past. Shouldn't we be talking about this with a smile on our face and laugh about how funny we were?" I hit Chanyeol's arm playfully, trying to make the atmosphere lighter.

"Yoo Ara!" 

"Ok Ok! I won't!" I know Chanyeol is angry if he says out my full name. 

"You guys are amking such a fuss over a small problem. It's scaring Chen!" Luhan who was offering Chen another drink glanced at me and Chanyeol.

I knew both of them are mad now but when I looked at Chen's confused face, I laughed.

"This is all your fault!" I pouted at Chen, "You're the one who wanted to know all this, you insensitive bastard."

"Ouh?! Me?" he asked with a puzzled look on his face, making the whole table laugh.

"She's just joking!" Chanyeol assured Chen and I was even more relieved to see him smile again. Luhan who was sitted next to me held my hands under the table, giving it a little strength before letting go. It felt better honestly. I said I was ok after what had happened in the past but truthfully, it still haunts me. I still feel a little pain after going through what I did in the past. 

That incident made me swore to never like a guy anymore. How can he be so cruel? I wonder how he's doing now after what he did to me and her at the same time. I wonder how he feels after seeing how both me and the women he loves suffer like this. I will never forget what he did to me. Even after that girl that he loves has moved on, I haven't and never will. She's lucky she found a man who loved her more than anything and that guy repaired her heart but what am I supposed to do with mine? I lost trust in men ever since and I wanted to be one that can appreciate the ones I love. I literally took the the term of being a guy and I ended up having crushes on girls instead of guys. 

I could still recall the first girl that I liked. She was my own close friend and because I look so obviously girly, she didn't know I like my own kind. I took the courage to confess to her, with the help of my unwilling friend, Chanyeol. He didn't support my decision to like a girl. He said I should still experiment myself till I get older but as I said, I am stubborn so I told him off. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I didn't thought of anything else but my feelings. After I confessed my feelings to her, she took it more easy than I expected. She was confused at the start of course, who wouldn't but she didn't react like how I think most girls will. She rejected me so softly and told me that I need to clear my mind. She said I needed some rest and then maybe I will realise what a big mistake I had done. She also added that she already has a boyfriend who took really good care of her.

It didn't took me long to realise what a big mistake I had done. No, it wasn't because I liked her, it was because I confessed to her. What was I thinking? Society never looked upon gays or lesbians especially if you are living in Korea. It's one of worst thing that would happen to your child, people would discriminate the parents badly for it. I was lucky that I liked the right person cause my secret is safe with her. She didn't tell a soul I like girls instead of guys. I really want to thank her for that if not I don't know what would my parents feel about it that time.

Well, it's not a secret to my family anymore though. After I saw how society is more open to same gender realtionship, I took the initiative to tell my family about it first and they wasn't happy about it at first. However, they know they couldn't do anything much to change the stubborn me so they keep on trying to do small changes to me. For example; making me wear a dress on my first day at collegea and putting on make up for me during big family gathering. Then, they would compliment me lots of time, hoping that I'll be flattered by all of that and change into a women but they were wrong. I never felt that way, I just feel awkward and annoyed by all that. 

"Chen, you're not drunk right? You can go home by yourself?" Luhan asked Chen who has his head on the table.

Chen moved his head, I think he was nodding and then he pulled out his thumb to show that he was fine. 

"I'll take you home Ray.." Chanyeol said as he pulled me up from my seat.

I am a little drunk. My head is spinning and heavy, it was difficult to stand on my feet. Maybe I drank a little too much thinking about all those things that happened in the past. I kept drinking and drinking without realising my limit. I took out my wallet and walked towards the ahjumma at the counter to pay the bills for the drink. After that, all I could remember was me saying goodnight and the rest went blank.