Chapter 5: Dad...please stop

"You should go visit your your father some time." Ha Yeon said out of the blue.

"What?" I asked her

She looked at me. I was sitting on the chair reading a book about pancreas.

"He sent some corn. You should say thank you. He also called two days ago when you were out." She told me with caution. She knows my parents are a touchy subject.

yeah. It has been about three months since I have seen my dad.

"I should go soon. Yeah. ok." I told her in agreement.

I concentrated on my book. Truthfully I wasn't really paying attention to my dad's situation.

"Why not just go today. It's Friday and you don't a lecture till Monday." Ha Yeon suggested.

"Look. I know I should meet my father and thank him but sometimes the past comes back into me. In other words...where was he when I was working my off. When I had four part time jobs a day, and still could only afford bread and milk all day..." My eyes were filled with tears. I did love my father but sometimes it's just hard. Especially when I remember the past.

Ha Yeon looked back down at the computer screen. I shouldn't have over reacted with her. She only said it out of my best interest.

I take a deep sigh.

"ok. I will go see him today. I'll come back tomorrow." I mutter

She flashes me a smile

"Good girl. I am sure your dad will be really delighted" She encouraged me.

I walked into my room and grabbed my big bag. I stuffed in my clothes and the utensils I needed for two days.

As I come out of my room Ha Yeon threw me a set of keys.

"Take my car. Give your dad a drive around his...um..yeah..village or farm. Have fun." She smiles her warm loving smile

On the other hand I am not in the greatest mood. I really do love my father but I also do have feelings against him which I am trying to forget.

"Ok. Thanks, and see you on Monday." I wave my hand to her. She just smiles.


*Gunsan, Korea*

"Hey dad." I call for him as I knock on door.

The door creaks open.

My father is smiling and he seems a little shocked.

"darling??!" He hugs me

I return his hu...g...he smells like alcohol

...

I pull the door open wide and my eyes pop out


"You said you finished rehab!!! You said you don't drink anymore!!!" I screamed at him at the top of my lungs.

There were four more people inside the house. All of them were on the ground drinking their soju. They were laughing and singing. The house had a strong alcoholic scent.

I couldn't stop my tears rolling down.

I dropped my bags to the ground. I walked inside the house and threw everything everywhere. I bashed the glass of soju into the wall. My hand was bloody. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I grabbed the food and threw at the men. I hit my father's shoulder and back.

I could not believe my eyes. How could he do this to me again?!! After all I had faced when I was just 16. How could repeat the same mistakes. I shouted, screamed, yelled at all of them.

"How could you do this to me?? Again?!!" I screamed and cried.

He looked at me with tears filled in his eyes.

"Hee Jin...I am...sorry." He muttered.

"Why are you making me give up on you?!" I cried

He didn't say anything.

"I don't..think..I can see you...again..." too tired of the screaming and crying I could only mumble.

he is crying too, but I can't care less...
right now I just want to suicide together.

I run out of the house and grab my bags at the floor.

My tears and blood don't stop dripping...
It feels like there is a hole in my heart.

I get into the car and accelerate right away. I shouldn't be driving in a mind like this but if I stay here for a moment lonf I feel like I might suffocate.

I push the accelerator down. I am in full speed in the highway, alone.

"AHHH!!!!" I scream.

How could he do this to me?! To a daughter he has left isolated since 16. To the daughter who lost her mother at 16!!! He abandoned his daughter and relied to alcohol when she most needed him!!

I was 16...only 16...the age when other kids go to school and have enough time to spend on their studies.
That is when my mother died of AIDS. That is when my father also turned alcoholic. That is when...I had four part time jobs,yet I was always short on money. I had bread, instant noodles and water. That was my whole menu until I went to university. But how could he leave me and make me work so hard...I know...he could have been sad...but shouldn't he try to protect me??! His only daughter,who had lost her mother at 16...wasn't he responsible for taking care of me??!!
But no. He wasn't there.He was always drunk. He got fired and my part time jobs were essential. I worked day and night. I had 4hours of sleep everyday. I didn't have time to sit down and have a proper meal! I worked till my bones broke and shattered. However I had to study too. In order to enter the medical school I had to study like crazy. 24hours was just not enough...

That is how I had lived for two years!! Getting into Uni and  earning a scholarship...that's when I just had to do two part time jobs.

Paying for his bloody rehab wasn't cheap either. I needed a part time job just for his rehab and...he just blew all my time and money awat by drinking again.

Sometimes I ask myself...'has he done anythjng for me to get into a good university...has he done anything to get me at this point?!'
...but then I cancel the thoughts cause he is my father. But today I don't think I can be his daughter. I know I don't get to choose but meeting him in the next five years, will need a miracle becuase I swear I will kill myself before I see him.
He makes me feel like my life has been a waste...he makes me feel like I have no future besides doing part time jobs and paying his rehab bills.

I think I need to move away from him for a while...and a while won't be less than 7 years.