CHAPTER 5

written in Jaejoong POV

The days pass by but I can't tell them apart. My average sleeping time is 7 hours. In a week. So for me everything is just a blurr. I go from one schedule to another, l do what they tell me, I smile, I laugh, I answer questions that are the same as always... I shower, I exercise, I do my hair and make-up... I drink. I eat when they force me to. I pretend to be on an alcoholic diet. Not that I need to loose weight but... I have no other excuse. 

I push myself to this extreme because I want to see you. I've done all this for you but what did I get? A director that drills me every day, insulting me, humiliating before everyone... 

"Jaejoong-shi, that was unacceptable. I don't care how tired you are, you can't appear as if you are about to fall asleep on camera. Focus!"

"Jaejoong-goon are you here to act or play? Is this drama a joke to you? If you can't act have enough consideration for others and don't accept roles that are out of your league!"

"Oh my God... How could you screw up such a simple scene! Again!"

"You are supposed to run up that hill! RUN! Not fast walk!"

"CUT! Again!"

"Are you afraid to hurt that pretty face of yours? Come on. Take that punch as man not a wuss!"

"Should I start calling you dollface? How can you be bad at everything? Are looks the only asset you have?"

"NO! That's horrible. Retake!"

"MAKE IT MORE REAL FOR CHRIST SAKE!"

Ah, the director really knows how to hit the sore spots. I had to redo every single scene I shot so far. The harder the scene is, especially when it comes to action scenes, the more takes I need to shoot. My character... it's a heavy role. Very heavy and I am so afraid to let go when I act... I fear I won't be able to come back to myself. It the energy right out of me and I am not strong enough at the moment. I dry laugh. Who am I kidding? The director is right. This role is too much for me. It doesn't matter how my acting skills are... this character is too dangerous for me to play.

I am on the set at the moment. Waiting for my turn and everything just comes to me. I don't care about the director. Even though I am always hurt by him, even though I need to face that everyday... I don't care. But you... Don't you hear my scream? Is it only in my head? Have I really gone mad?

I am looking at you, delivering your lines but you never notice me. I follow your every move but our eyes never meet. How can you ignore me so easily when all I see is you?

I'm screaming. Can't you tell? Maybe it's only a whisper... Is my voice so weak? Or are you just not listening? The light died in my eyes. I am now hollow, empty... My body is sore and tired. My hands shaking. I'm bleeding... You can't see the blood but it's pouring out of me.

What more do you want? What am I supposed to do? If only you asked... I would do anything... If you asked me... I would die for you.  

The director calls for a break and you head out but I am faster. I have no idea where that strenght comes from since I am dead on my feet but I catch up with you. 

"Yunho, please. Just once. Only one time." I beg and for the first time you stop and look at me.

"Jaejoong-shi. How many times do I need to tell you, I don't want to hear!"

"Yunho~"

My voice is raspy. I feel like I am choking. Something must catched your attention because you observe me closely for a few seconds and then sigh. You lead me outside, to a more private place. Where there are no unwanted eyes nor ears.

"Okay, tell me. Why do you keep obsessing over me?"

"I..."

I've waited for this opportunity for so long. Now that it's here... I don't know what to say.

"Look. I know we were close once but that was a long time ago. You betrayed me. You left me. Not the other way around so I think I have all rights to be angry and upset. For some time I was. I blamed you and hated you but you can't live your life hating... It will destroy you sooner or later. So I stopped. I stopped caring. Now it's too late to mend our broken friendship. There is nothing left between us. So stop looking for me. You don't need to say or do anything. Everything is in the past now and we need to focus on the future. And I don't want you in my future. Are we clear?"

Hah. Words have never killed anybody. Really? Then why every time you open your mouth I feel the knife stabbing my heart? The blood I taste in my mouth, is it not real? Am I just imagining things?

Shall I be the first one? Whose death will be caused by thoughtless words said by ignorant men? Will the world change then? Will people stop and think what they say? Or will they laugh at this ridiculous death? Will they find sick pleasure in this new weapon? Will they mock my corpse with devilish grins and screeching chuckles?

How many times I've been the target of someone? Has it started with my father? Maybe not... but he is the first one I remember. Many have come after him... teachers, students, boys and girls... Some called themselves my enemies... some friends... Constantly my heart was riped apart. By them, by me... and... by you. I could handle it. Everything they said. Everything the director shouted. All of it. I could take the battle scars and continue to fight.

Not you. Never you. I can't... I can't say anything to you. I can't fight with you. I can't attack. And I don't even know how to defend. I can only take and take but now... now I have no unscarred place left. The words... why do they hurt so much? How can they be so powerful?

"Jaejoong-shi."

My name on your lips. It feels so bittersweet. You seem annoyed. Have I been silent for long? It doesn't feel like it. 

"Yunho-yah... I... I know it's hard to forgive. I had my reasons but I don't want to make excuses. You are right. I left and I shouldn't have. You have no idea how much... how much I regret that decission. But as you said, it's all in the past now. We can't change it. But... is there really nothing I could do to make you change your mind? Because you may not want me in your future but I need you in mine."

"Why? Why do you need me? Why am I so important to you?"

I gulp. Can I tell you? There is no way... 

"You just are. Can't you accept that?"

"No. But it doesn't matter anyway... Your reason. I... I just don't care anymore. So please leave me alone. I don't want to hate you again and you being like this... it's making me angry. You are not helping the situation. You are making it worse."

You say and leave. Not giving me a chance to say more but maybe you are right and it wouldn't matter. I have never felt smaller. I knew... I mean I suspected but... To hear it so clearly and plainly... My hope is gone. I give up. You are right. I shouldn't have left. It was my mistake. I can't force you to be with me. I can't even ask you to do it now when I know how hard it is for you. That it may hurt you... I go after you thinking what shall I do now when I see it.

You are standing in the middle of a set for a next scene. Just under the lights when something gives away and the lights start to fall. I have no time to think. I run and push you away but there is no time for me to escape too. Something heavy falls on me, crashing me to the ground. I hear screams. I feel hot. I smell fire. Something's burning. Is it me? I don't know.

I am lost in the dark.

to be continued

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