CHAPTER 2

written in Jaejoong POV

The darkness has come, lights brighten the night. Cars moving at differents speeds, their lights just a blurr... It amazes me how beautiful they seem, hiding the danger they bring. The fog has swallowed up the whole city and the past claws its way out. My memories tearing me apart.

Ah... Why is my heart so heavy? Why do my tears fall so easily? Have I always been such a fool? There is a candle burning before me. Its scent hits my nose, it's sweet and should make me calm but my heart beats faster, my hands tremble... I'm loosing self-control. 

All my life I've been enduring. Pretending to be okay, to smile... But I'm broken, bleeding, trapped in a never-ending struggle. I didn't know being alone would be this hard and yet... hasn't I always been alone in the first place? I look at Seoul, the city lies before me and it looks so pretty... so welcoming. I chuckle. Would I still come here, had I known what would happen?

How long has it been since I saw you for the last time? The fans think, we keep in touch, that we meet secretly. Hah. How could we hide it? They know everything. Moreover, even when I was prepared to take that step, to face it, you wouldn't meet me. You wouldn't even contact me and I know, your company forbids you to do it but still... All those years and not a single message. Not even when Yoochun's father passed away. I didn't go to the funeral because I hoped that if I don't show up, you would. Yes, I was a wreck with IV's sticked into my arm but I could go. If I pushed myself, I could be there but I didn't want to rob them from the opportunity to see you and Changmin again. 

Because I know. Even though, the three of us left, the only one you hate is me. So I... Why didn't you come? Don't you know how much they needed you there? I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. Ah... Why am I still trying? After all of this... Do you think, I don't hate myself? It's been so long... they say time flies but you keep breaking its wings.

I can't let this continue. If not for me then for the others, for the fans. I've got the role. It... It was hard and I am still not sure how will I manage that schedule and cope with my feelings but... The opportunity is here. I brought the two us back together and now I must atone. For the sins I've never committed and yet you always blamed me. But that's okay. For you... If it's for you, I can let you hurt me. I can even hurt myself.

to be continued

a/n: so this is a short take on jaejoong's thoughts before the shooting starts. I must warn you that Yunho will be portrayed as a major jackass for the good portion of this story but I hope you will still like it :) 

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