CHAPTER 4

written in Jaejoong POV

I get back home late, the sun is already up in the sky and I have only couple of hours before I need to leave again. I should use this time to catch some sleep but I can't bring myself to do that. I just feel so sad. Why does everything seems so wrong? Is it me? Haven't I done enough? 

I know that if you want something, you need to work for it and you need to deserve it. I've got some things almost for free but there are also those, that I just can't reach no matter what I do. Why can't sometimes things just work? Without any problems, any regrets...? Are those tests? So we could appreciate it more? Because we achieved it against all odds? If so... if I preserve long enough will I be eventually rewarded? And if that's true then... how long is long enough?

I've been incredibly lucky in my life. Many would kill to have what I do but you know... it doesn't matter what you have if the one thing that your heart wants the most is not in your hands. They say you regret things you didn't do not the ones you did but I guess I am an exception. Would I still do the same if I knew I would loose him completely? Back then... I had to leave. I couldn't... I fight back the tears. No. I would stay. Because the pain I felt back then can't be compared to the pain I've felt ever since.

I keep repeating to myslef that it was not my fault but I still feel I should atone. I want to make it better but what can I do for him when he doesn't let me near him? The opposite of love is not hate. It's the indifference. I thought... I was sure he hated me but the way he disregarded me today... the ignorance... I grasp my chest. How many times my heart was broken? If it keeps hurting... does it mean my heart will just stop at some point? I close my eyes. Ah. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I departed this world.

Suicide. I know it's wrong to have such bad thoughts but I have thought about it many times. Over and over I would consider it at times I was at my lowest. You see... I may act confident and have a sense of pride about myself but that doesn't mean I like myself. Actually... I think I've always been a little self-destructive. I don't know what stopped me each time but then... I am still so sad thinking about it. I was one of the last people he talked to... Why hadn't he? The tears start falling. I felt so... so bad after it. I realized I won't ever take my life. I couldn't do that to them. I dry laugh. Actually, this is not the right way of thinking either. I remember the conversation I had about this with Yoochun....

Flashback

"Hey, Jonggie what are you doing?" Yoochun asked when he came into my apartment. I was making dinner, choping some vegetables when I got distracted. I stared at the knife in my hands, thinking how much would it hurt to cut my wrists with it? Yoochun must have noticed something was wrong because he rushed to me and took the knife away.

"The hell you are thinking?"

"Nothing."

"Don't bull me! I could see it Jae!" 

I smile. Oh yeah. That's soulmate for him.

"Really... Chunnie... Don't worry."

"Oh no. You won't get away with this. You can't think like that! You hear me?"

"I can't control my thoughts but stop overreacting. I won't do it."

"Are you sure?"

"100% sure. I won't do that to you."

I say and Yoochun starts crying.

"Oh Jae..." He comes and hugs me. I am bewildered. 

"Hey..." I try to soothe him, not really understanding why is he crying so much.

"You don't get it, do you?"

I shake my head. He is right. I have no idea what's wrong with him.

"That's not the right way of thinking JJ. You shouldn't say you wouldn't do it because of us. You should have said you won't do it because of you. Because you like yourself enough to keep living."

I stare at him and blink.

"But I don't."

"I realize that now."

He says brokenly and hugs me again.

"You are a wonderful person and I hope, I pray one day you will know it too."

End of flashback

It's been years but I still feel the same. It's not me. It's them. The guilt, the sadness... what if they start to have the same thoughts? I shake my head. Never. I would never hurt them. Especially not like that. But what if I die naturally? What if my heart just won't be able to take it anymore? What will they say the cause of death was? Heartbreak? I smile. Is that even possible? 

Sometimes even if you love someone, you can't have him. And sometimes even if you try stop loving, you can't escape that love.

to be continued

a/n: I am not sure if you remember but one of Jaejoong's friends- Park Yong Ha commited suicide and Jaejoong talked to him just day before or so. So that's what I was hinting about in the story.

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