Zitao laboriously stands, arms wide on either side of his body like an anime character. He stands for a few moments, wobbling dangerously on his feet before Joonmyun kicks Jongin. Jongin appropriately runs to wrap an arm around Zitao’s waist, holding him upright.

Zitao yawns, the panda circles under his eyes even more pronounced now there’s actual tiredness there. They have tried to soften them with Baekhyun and Yifan’s copious beauty products with little success, though who exactly would Zitao be impressing anyway? Nobody is entirely sure when the last time Zitao left the house was. This is justified by the large protrusion that is Zitao’s belly.

Zitao is not fat. No, not at all.

And he likes to remind everyone at every single occasion. They’d probably kick his head in if they didn’t love him so much, because he is a whiny . Pre-bump, on a good day he’d be cuddly, affectionate, and sweet-natured. On a bad day, he’d be cuddly, affectionate, maybe a little whiny, and mostly quiet.

Post-bump: whiny and loud.

They knew hormones changed behaviour and emotions, but surely not like this? Surely not to this extent?

Zitao totters along, Jongin helping him. Zitao is huge. There aren’t words to describe how huge he is without the fear Zitao can read minds, so nobody thinks about it, but he’s huge, and he needs all the help he can get. Yifan, who would be the most useful, excuses himself when Zitao starts acting up, and the rest of them are useless. This means they have to take turns being shouted and cried at whilst Zitao’s hormones screw with him for fun.

Joonmyun prays it’ll get better before it gets worse, but he knows he’s only fooling himself, and once they’re born, who knows what’ll happen?

Joonmyun hopes they’ll be able to cope. They’re a boyband, not a nursery.

Because yes, Zitao has somehow managed to be the only man in the world to get pregnant, through god knows what means, and god only knows who the father is, because Zitao is keeping tight lips tightly sealed, and Zitao happens to be in a boyband, which only makes it worse.

Joonmyun resigns himself to grandparenting duty forever and kicks Sehun and Jongdae in Jongin’s direction, silently asking they help him, because he can see Zitao’s nose twitch, working up a cry about something, Joonmyun doesn’t know what, and he has a migraine and life .

Joonmyun takes out his phone, dials Yifan, and requests he buy something designer for Zitao whilst he’s out, because it’s the only sure-fire way to stop Zitao. (At mention of designer, Zitao pulls his best behaviour on, wrapping it around himself like a dress.)

Zitao is conniving and he always gets his way—especially when it relates to designer accessories to match his baby bump.

The thought that one day Zitao will be the cute maknae again, post-baby, spurs Joonmyun on, and he will buy Zitao all the designer items in the world if he gets his baby back. Yifan, too, he’d wager.

That’s a good enough incentive as any, so Joonmyun grits his teeth, orders Lu Han and Yixing to help, and watches (with glee) as they all fail. He’s the one with the designer at hand, and he’s the one that will ultimately help where they can’t, but sometimes it’s worth it.

Besides, Zitao is really cute pregnant. If you ignore his personality, at least.