The next day, I find myself waiting at the plaza with a paper bag at hand; some sort of deja vu from our second meeting a few months back. And like back then, besides my initial plan of meeting him there, my mind is completely blank. I know what I’m supposed to do but I really don’t know what to say or where to start. All I know now is that I don’t want to run away anymore and I’m ready to spill whatever there is to spill. I have prolonged this internal turmoil too much that it’s affecting my work and the people around me. 

I have to end this...somehow.

Yesterday’s talk with his cousin had me reflecting more on the roots of my problem. Although his story isn't similar to what I'm going through, hearing the person I would never think of having such a harsh past and talk about fears and regrets had me seeing things in a different light. My problem isn't even half of what Ken had gone through and I realized that if someone I deemed gullible can stand up for himself like that, why can’t I? 

Taking charge was what I was known for to begin with and I had somehow forgotten all about it with all these changes I went through the past months. I didn’t know that I’ve failed to incorporate the 'new' me with my old one, who’s also known for being assertive, blunt and daring.

The past two weeks, I was playing a complete fool; all frazzled and troubled on how to handle this new feeling, involving other people along the way. I usually don’t want to trouble others but I was a total mess and didn't know how to handle it. My head felt like it was going to burst from brooding, over and over, only to get nothing out of it. 

Inexperience wasn't even a problem for me back then, because I usually take it up as a challenge that will help me push pass my boundaries and help me grow as an individual. It was a necessity in life I was more than willing to face and learn from.

However, this type of inexperience over a little thing called love (or whatever), was something I've never imagined myself to tackle anytime soon. As a person, who almost lived only to pursue his dream of becoming a successful writer, I had set up expectations along the way that didn't include the matters of the heart. After all, I did not care about socializing before and was only satisfied with knowing four important people in my entire life (My parents and Navi couple. Five, if Leo hyung wants to get included on the list and if his glares doesn't mean his been plotting my demise the whole time). It was something I really didn't pay attention to. 

All that changed though after meeting the Lees, whose combined charms took over the school by storm as soon as their presence were made known.  I was completely won over like everyone else and even at the first meeting it was still him, who had the greatest hold of my heart before I even know it myself. It just didn't start as strong as it is now. 

I admit that I was attracted to Hongbin the very first time our eyes met anyway, but back then my interpretation was plain admiration, because he looks really out of this world and I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know him and what's behind all that. It's the same feeling when I get a popular book and started reading it  just because I wanted to find out what's so good about it. There's nothing wrong of wanting to get to know someone anyway. 

It was a little too unexpected, too surreal, and too much of a 'first love' experience though. I have never even imagined myself in a relationship with someone, let alone, someone of the same . I only know for a fact that it is possible, knowing my two friends are in one already. It didn't occur to me that I'll be wanting the same thing, knowing that it kinda made me uncomfortable before.

When there were just the three of us (Hakyeon, Wonsik and I) hanging out together, I usually find ways to leave them whenever they get too intimate with each other; which they're inclined to doing more often than not. It was only until the time that the Lees started hanging out with us and with Leo hyung's occasional visits during lunch, that they had become more subtle and tolerable for me. I didn't know if it's just because I stopped being the "third wheel" and out of place or I had been subconsciously accepting the change in my preference even before and wanted those interaction too.

Thinking about it now, Hongbin and I were in a way doing those skinships. We held each other's hands, we hugged, he slept on my shoulder and I slept on his. Maybe our means were not as deep and just out of excitedment over a completely different matter, but in a way those little things were never uncomfortable for me. It actually made waking up the next day something worth doing and anticipating. It was actually a pleasant feeling that had me smiling more than I usually let myself.

“It’s good to see you smiling, Hyukie~” Jaehwan greets cheerily as he popped out of nowhere.

“W-what are you doing here?” I asked dumbfoundedly while I faced him, hiding the paper bag behind me. If he takes this now, I won’t have an excuse to—

“I’m here to make up for what I’ve missed yesterday when I babysat you.” He scrunched up his face and pouted. “As if practicing for one whole hour with alone with that lion isn’t enough torture.”

“You stayed together for an hour alone? That’s probably the longest time you guys stayed around each other.”

“Yeah, it is.” Jaehwan mumbles almost inaudibly but I still somehow caught it along with his dimmed expression. He looked a bit bitter and I was somehow glad I didn't laugh. “You really owe me one kid…”

“I guess I do, what do you want?”  

“You already know what I want.”

“What do you mean?”

“Fix things,”  Jaehwan mumbles, his expression is somehow lifted a little. “You’re here early because you’re going to have 'that' talk with Binnie, right?”

My mouth gaped a little. How did he know?

“Hongbin was completely out of it yesterday and he left his phone in the dining area, so I read your message to him by chance,” he explains as if he heard my thoughts before he snatches the paper bag from me. “What are you planning with my uniform anyway? It’s not even included in your text—But thanks!”

I looked to the side slightly embarrassed that Ken picked up on that. At first, I really planned to use that as an excuse to talk to Hongbin but then I realized he’s probably too mad to take that bait so I decided to cut the chase on th message at least and use the uniform for a different purpose.

“I was gonna use it as an excuse to leave the conversation if ever it gets awkward…” or if it’s too painful for me to handle a rejection. I left the last part unsaid.

“Then his phone is a better excuse for you not to feel awkward on your way there,” Ken says, dropping the paper bag to his side and handing me Hongbin’s phone out of the blue. Both of his hands are clamped over my right hand to keep the phone on my palm.  

"Wait, what? W-why are you handing me this?”

“So that if Hongbin tries to avoid you, you can show him you have his phone. He'll want it back of course, so you can threaten him with it if he dares not to hear you out." 

I looked at Ken peculiarly for looking unusually serious after his instructions. He looked like he mapped out a complete plan for it already and I don’t have a say on the matter.

“Wait hyung, I’m a bit confused. How am I going to meet him now, if he hasn't read the message?”

He nonchalantly nodded. “I told him to meet me in the photography club room, but you’ll be the one going there instead.”

“Okay…” I croaked out, unsurely.

"Now scram! He'll be there in thirty minutes, you need to be there first."

He gingerly let’s go of my hand, roughly turned me around and give me a big push. Before I can give him a glare, he was already running at the opposite direction with a childish giggle, echoing in a completely empty school ground. 

I arrived in the club room in ten minutes after getting lost in the hall. They transferred the photography club room to the senior's building for a bigger room since there's a sudden influx of members interested in joining it because of Hongbin. I don't go to that building a lot since I don't need an extra dose of clingy Hakyeon hyung or  grumpy Taekwoon hyung. Hongbin prefers going to our club instead or using email in busy days so, I really didn't have any reason to be familiar with the place yet. 

The room looked like a conference hall rather than a club room, but it has the best view of the campus outside next to the student council's office now that I'm seeing it myself. Hongbin's favorite place, the Sanctuary, is also seen here so maybe that's why he didn't really care about the transfer. He actually can't stand a spacious room and was complaining about it when it was first suggested, but then Hakyeon seemed to have planned it all before hand. The place look quite cozy.  

I took a sit by the window and started to wait there, while the wind slowly comes in and blows the curtains. I thought that was a beautiful scene and if Hongbin was here he would've—

(click click)

I turned around as soon as I hear the shutting of the camera. Hongbin was indeed there, taking photos, face completely hidden behind his DSLR. I quickly moved away but the camera follows me too until the wind dies down and Hongbin finally stops taking a shot and reveal himself. 

"Hongbin..."

"You look quite shaken. Are you that nervous seeing me?"

"I... it's just that yesterday kinda—"

"? It did, trust me." Hongbin deadpans, nodding his head as he walks towards me.

I instantly straightened my back but I kept my place and stayed there firmly, like an authority is approaching me. This wasn't how I imagined our meeting will be and I highly doubt this was in Ken's plan too. It seems like their found out before the plan can take effect.

"You knew about Ken hyung's plan, don't you?" I asked first. 

"Ken is a bad liar and was so bad at making excuses about my phone's whereabout and going to the university ahead of me. It will be very naive of me not to smell something fishy going on after all that commotion he did by himself so early in the morning." Hongbin smirks, one eyebrows raise as if to mock.

"I was honestly surprised that his plan went out smoothly withouth you getting suspicious, but he gave me direction so confidently so I was sold."

"The only thing he can probably lie about is eating midnight snacks," Hongbin sighs, smoothening the crease on his forehead that was barely even there. He finally stops a meter away from me."I'm more surprised that Ken hyung helped you in the first place. He never really sides with anyone but me, regardless of the situation. You really owe him big time and I'm here to take the payment in full."

The wind started blowing again, harsh and crisp unlike earlier. It matches the way Hongbin was half glaring and half pleading me to say something. I silently wished for the wind to distract him again so I can brainstorm on where to start but I wasn't given that option.

Our eyes were just glued to each other, waiting patiently for the words to come out; What I needed to say and what he needed to hear...

It took me a couple of seconds to recollect myself, my hands on my sides and letting my loud heartbeat drown all fears.

"I'm in love with you..." 

The words just rolled out of my tongue, spilling every piece of me in a single sentence.

TBC