Another flare gun was heard from somewhere near the center stage and the day’s activities officially begun, stalls were open and students from co-campuses and nearby universities had gathered in flocks that would make any agoraphobic and claustrophobic lose their minds.

We finished the opening remarks with me tailing behind Hongbin in quiet attempt to avoid having any type of conversation with him after my horrid stage performance.  I practically forgot all the words in my cue cards and I did a remarkably poor job in delivering my lines. It’s just… embarrassing.  Luckily, Hongbin has the skill to emcee so it still went smoothly with his popularity working hand and hand with it. I wanted to thank him a little backstage but he’s suddenly called out by someone that I didn’t catch a glimpse of because Hongbin looked at my way and I chickened out again and scrambled off stage instead to avoid it. Coward.

 “Can you do any worse than that?”

I turned to catch a glimpse of Kyungsoo’s hair as I looked ahead and slowly looked down to lock eyes with him. “Oh sorry, I don’t hear well from below.”

“Whatever, stutter box.” He smirks but he’s clearly offended, glaring with his owlish eyes.

“Sure, bug-eyes.” I chuckled mockingly. “Good luck, hope they ‘actually’ see someone on stage.”

I was about to laugh at his clearly flustered feature but I heard a laugh behind me that made me equally flustered as Kyungsoo. Although I knew from heart who it was, I still tilted my head a little to see Hongbin clutching on his stomach mumbling, ‘You guys are adorable ’, as he goes into one of his soundless giggle fits. I gulped at the sight at how his cheeks slowly turned bright red from laughing too much. He’s always been a light weight in terms of finding humor no matter how lame it is and it’s been awhile since I had indulged in being the source of it even if it’s not really intended for his entertainment. I can feel the tug in my lips as I continuously watch him but I tried to stifle it until I ended up biting my tongue because I’ve forgotten about the spawn of satan right next to me.

            “You’re very obvious.” Kyungsoo whispers close to me after he blew a hard punch on my arm and walked away. Suho, their class president who has an obvious crush on him, apologized in his stead.

Bad news though for the ever so kind Suho,  Kyungsoo the owl had been crushing on Ken according to my new pal Chen who’s actually that midget’s roommate. It’s a pity in Kyungsoo’s part too—not that I really cared—because Ken is as dense as a brick wall and unreadable in terms of forming a sort of relationship. He’s generous in friendship but he doesn’t look like he’d want to be in any ties closer than that. Hongbin never talked about Ken on that note to support that fact just like he has yet to discuss Ken’s odd rivalry with Taekwoon hyung.

I rubbed my arm and sighed. I used to not care about people’s businesses and I ended up having my nose on everything.  I sighed again and turned carelessly, accidentally stepping on Hongbin’s left foot and tainting his white shoe in my horror

“I’m sorry!”

            “It’s okay… “ he stares down at the damage done and tried to dusting it off by shaking his feet a bit. “I guess Ken almost spilling his hot choco on it this morning was a sign.”

“I...uhh…” I mentally face palmed myself. “Let me know the brand, I’ll ask my mum to buy you a new one.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

             “No, I mean you’re gonna do that just ‘coz you stepped on it? I can just dust it off.” Hongbin ducks down and did dust his shoe off. It really doesn’t look that ruined.

“But… well… that’s true.” I mumbled dumbly, combing through my hair. Things aren’t just going my way.

            “Are you really going to continue acting like I’m sort of a stranger to you?” Hongbin asked coldly as he straightened up to level with me. He looked really frustrated. “Tell me what I did wrong and I’ll try to fix it.”

I fall back a bit, not expecting him to say that. I gulped in nervousness as I tried hard to look elsewhere but my eyes stare right back at his like I’ve fallen into a trance. It’s as if my mind and body’s stopped listening to me, my feet shackled invisibly on the ground where I stood face to face with my biggest fear.  

             “What did I do wrong, Sanghyuk?!” Hongbin asked again, desperation lacing his low baritone voice. He tried to hold onto me but ended up crinkling the long sleeves of my uniform instead. I can feel the burn on my skin from his strong hold but I couldn't even flinch away.

I remained on my spot, biting my lower lip as I looked at his feature closely. I just realized he looked tired, like he had not been sleeping a lot these few days. His lips are a bit chapped and he’s paler than ever. He’s still undeniably beautiful but there’s that obvious change that marred that innately polished beauty and I felt guilty about it. Is it because of me?

“So… you just want this friendship over.” Hongbin’s voice had gotten colder again, his gaze a bit darker than earlier.

His hands slowly felt lacks against my sleeves, slowly letting go of it. I felt my blood rush down my body along with it and it felt too cold even when the sun is just right above us, as I watch it slip away. I did want to hold on to it but I missed a beat. Hongbin had quickly took off, not seeing my attempt to save the situation. Words continued to die down my throat as I stayed glued on my spot before  my knees gradually gave away, my hands flying up to stop the noise that tried to come out my lips. The noises that should’ve done something to salvage the situation earlier but couldn’t because I was a coward. It’s over.

“Hyukkie…”

I turned around to see Ken in slight shock, probably witnessing everything but I remained on the spot not knowing what else to do. My tears run like broken faucet and I can’t even make anything coherent without producing choking noises. Ken just slowly comes to me and pulls me up to my feet to drag me to the shaded bench close by, looking a bit shaken. 

“I’ll get you some water hm?” He tells me. “Don’t you dare leave this spot!”

 I looked at him in fear instantly. I held his wrist tightly, shaking my head. What if he tells the others?  I’d rather have him stay and see me in this state until I can articulate a word again without gasping for air like fish out of water.

“I’m not going to tell anyone, okay?” Ken smiles comfortingly before he pulls away and runs off.

I don’t feel any comfort though, I just feel horrible. This was all self inflicted pain that caused another person’s pain. If I had come out clean, if I was more courageous, nothing like this would’ve happened. Why was I so scared of getting hurt when I still did hurt myself in the process of avoiding it? If I had confessed, Hongbin would have a clear conscience and won’t hurt like me; save himself from a baseless guilt. I could’ve cut our friendship clean just like any other friendships I had before. Why didn’t I just let it slip away and avoided a greater damage? Why must I learn how to doubt my own feelings now? Why must I meet wonderful people that had me feeling things I was okay not having before? I could’ve been just as cold as Taekwoon and just put passion on the tasks at hand. I should’ve stayed in the dark until I’m out of the university, continue writing and just writing.

Why must I learn about this stupid thing called love, out of nowhere? I was okay then without it…

            “Back! Here drink up!” Ken calls out, handing me bottled water. He then sat beside me, stretching his back on the rest of the bench. His limbs were also stretched out, shoes gathering dirt from the ground without a care. He continues to rub his shoes against the dirt, almost making a small shallow pit underneath it that he childishly smiled too adoringly. I just stared at him and the water bottle.

“You stopped crying like a baby~” he singsongs, shaking off the dirt of his shoes that had the bench creaking.

I was too distracted with what he’s doing that I didn’t notice it at all, but it was true. I guided my hands to touch my heated cheeks to feel it. “Yeah.” I tried my voice in the process as well.

           “Good, you look ugly when you cry.” He side eyes me when I attempted to look like I was offended. He just avoided my gaze and started soiling his shoes again.

I intended to stop him since his little action reminding me off the incident earlier with Hongbin’s shoe, but he stopped by himself and started talking instead. 

         “You know, Hongbin and I had been together since we’re three. We weren’t close then because we compete for the elders’ attention, being the youngest of the clan’s generation. We compete in everything, trying to gain people’s praises and take home some sort of reward or self satisfaction from it. I was good in Music, he’s good in sports, I was good in traditional art, he’s good in modernized art, I was good in mathematics, and he’s good in language. We’re almost on par with everything with our weaknesses being each other’s strength but then a tie breaker soon happened and broke that cycle.”  Ken bit his slips and covered his eyes with his arm as he leans further on the back rest, looking suddenly vulnerable.

For a moment I honestly thought, Ken would throw me tirade of questions out of his curious nature as soon as he returned but instead he gave me a sneak peek of the Dreamy Lees past and made me the curious one spontaneously. The two rarely talk about themselves unless asked now that I think about it. Instead of a comforting gaze, I was sure I was giving him a probing look for him to continue. 

Jaehwan turns to peek from his folded arms to acknowledge that with a bitter smile on his face. 

          “Hongbin got into an accident while playing basketball, a player falling on top of him and elbowing his chest by accident. He broke three of his ribs and punctured his left lung in the process that led him to fall under a coma for at least a month. Since I was out for a painting competition in Busan before the accident, I didn’t know about it until I returned. My dad told me what happened and I never felt sick in my life. I did see Hongbin as a competition but in all that, I cared for him too because he’s the only cousin I had who looked at me with no judging eyes that says I’m just a half or an outsider.”

“Half?” I asked bewilderedly. I thought he’s pure Korean…

            “Mhm, my dad had an affair with an old friend overseas. I was the fruit of that and I’m not really proud on admitting that.” Ken chuckles forcefully as he held on the back of his elbow tightly.

So that’s why... I sighed and wanted to give him a pat but didn’t. For some odd reason, I felt Jaehwan is in a way similar to I was in terms of finding comfort. The more people probe onto our problem the more we feel like falling apart. It’s already obvious that he’s trying to hold back his tears and I think that’s not his reason why he told me their story. “Thanks for sharing that to me then and sorry you had to tell me all this…”

Jaehwan just smiles, shakes his head and continued, “So yeah, Hongbin’s the only one who didn’t judge me that way. He sees me as a competition but an equal one. He didn’t mind about what my family background is and that made me enjoy our friendly battle since I’ve long given up to get the favor of the clan. At least I can stick to a place where someone accepts me for who I am. The accident, almost ended all of that though and I wished I’ve been a better brother figure to him instead; that in place of fruitless competition, we could’ve been playing around and hanging around together like a real family. I just got greedy half way through, receiving little praises from the family that’s slowly recognized me for my ability only to find out the attention wasn’t pure but only because one has fallen useless for them. It was disgusting and I ended it, stopping all activities I enslaved myself with despite of everyone’s disapproval. I didn’t care anymore, I only wanted to take care of Hongbin. I tended to him and talked to him everyday because even he’s unconscious that time I knew he’s listening, like always—And he really was. Three weeks after, he woke up and his first words were ‘Jaehwan you’re so loud’.”

I chuckled at how realistic that was and Jaehwan stood straight up, laughing along. He rubs his eyes, probably to hide a few tears and then grins at me. It’s a bit dark now before we realize it and the lights on the trees were lit up above us. It’s funny because one of the red lights is glowing exactly on Jaehwan’s nose.

“Rudolph hyung—” I cracked, not able to hold back when Jaehwan flared his nose unceremoniously.

He started, kicking the dirt off the ground to soil my clothes but I dodged while laughing uncontrollably.  It’s been awhile since I had a good unforced laugh in weeks. Thinking about it, Ken wasn’t around that time too. He seemed too busy at the festival and he looks tired but he looks satisfied unlike me and Hongbin. He’s definitely enjoying himself despite working with his rival.

       “Hey… hyung thanks.” I told him later on when we settled at the school fountain because we’re  covered in dirt now thanks to him. Thankfully we both came prepared with a change of clothes for good reasons: to save me from spilling everything on me and Jaehwan being all over the place in general. 

I looked to his side to see him unmoving, water running on his hands clasped together.

“Hyung?” I tapped his shoulder lightly, thinking he might have zoned out.

“Thank me when you fix it.”  He mumbles as he closed the faucet and turned to me with solemn eyes, holding onto my shirt and dampening it with his hands. “I told you our story because I don’t want you to let things get worse and then turn around where it might be too late to fix anything. Not everyone gets a second chance you know? I know it's scary but sometimes we need to take uncertain chances in things we actually want even if at the end of the day we may not achieve anything from trying. But that’s still better than not trying at all so Sanghyuk please just try—"

 “I’ll fix it.” the words rolled out my mouth and I almost didn’t recognize my own voice as I stared down at Jaehwan's clearly delighted orbs.

             “I’ll hold on that.” Jaehwan muttered softly, leaning his head on my chest and sighing in relief. “You better not hurt Hongbin or I’ll make a voodoo doll out of you and feed it to my dog—Ow!”

I pulled away instantly and flicked his forehead on how ridiculous his empty threats were. Ken is back but it’s nice to meet Jaehwan too. I ruffled his hair as he pouts.

“I’ll have teddy bears stepping on you too!”

“I’ll suffer badly then hyung—“

“Jaehwan-ah…”

A voice called menacingly from behind me as a wind gush through the area quite harshly. I stared at Ken whose eyes grew wide as saucers in fear as he slowly backs away, his flushed cheeks earlier drained out completely into paleness.  Staring at my face and back at where the ominous aura behind me is coming from, Ken audibly clears his throat. I didn’t really need to turn around and question what’s going on because it’s none other than Jung Taekwoon, grasping my shoulder and holding me still.

“What happened to ten minutes, Lee Jaehwan-ssi?”

I gulped as I hear hyung’s voice drop a bit lower and his hand on my shoulder tightening. I know I wasn’t part of the conversation but why do I feel like he’s going to strangle me anytime soon?

            “Uhm… I—we lost track of time.  I found Sanghyuk in distraught at a corner earlier so I asked him what’s wrong while I was on my way to get water. He needed a little help in Geometry because he’s a bit confused. I ended up getting a bit over board in teaching and—”

 “So you ended up studying in the ground like you rolled all over it.” Taekwoon pointed at our clothes.

I just wanted to faint. Why Geometry? Out of all subjects, he picks the one I already took! To make things even worse, it's the one that Taekwoon happen to represent as the former Vice President of the student council last year. He's the one who gave me the certificate of completion.

“You have three seconds and—“

“BYE SANGHYUK! AHHHHHHH! SOMEONE HELP ME! HAKYEON HYUNG!” Jaehwan screams and hastily flees with all his might.

“You’re dead.”

The wind when Taekwoon hyung bolted almost knocked me over and his hands left an impossible dent on my cotton shirt. I’m glad I wasn’t involved any further (I'm honesly good with a little bruise). I just shivered and grabbed my stuff and picked up Ken’s clothes too since he left it to run for his life (which is very smart). I hope he still lives after that because I owe him one and I don’t know who to return these clothes if—

            “That's it! Just like the first time… I’ll give these clothes back through Hongbin!”  I clasped my hand and mumbled to myself. I quickly texted Hongbin a message before I second guess myself again.

[Hey, Hongbin. Can you meet me at the plaza before the parade starts tomorrow? I’ll explain everything.]

TBC

*edited