Some days, I feel like I have been tricked by life. I’ve encountered many of them; the small moments when nothing makes sense and where I meet my inner devil. He wants me to vanish, and he makes me want it to. He’s my biggest fear, yet my biggest temptation. And it’s hard to explain to Sungmin that I never mean it when I throw harsh words at him; it’s tough to assure him that I’ll be okay, and be good to him all the time, because I’m not even sure if I’d be good to myself in the first hand.

But he accepts me; he still comes home with sealed lips and patience I don’t understand where it comes from; cries with me, for me; persuades me to try doing things I don’t think I can handle, and takes care of me if I don’t manage after all: and most importantly he never stops to believe in me.

I never go back to my grandma; the one I was living with before I decided to end all that was life. She doesn’t care about me. No one does, except Sungmin, and the few new people that I have managed to interact with.

Somehow, I go through life. I didn’t realize back then that I did have someone left. And it might be considered small for some, but sometimes, that one thing is the only thing you need for strength. I was lucky for that one thing.

But suddenly, luck turns ironic.

“He’s unconscious! He doesn’t move!”

My shouts don’t seem to affect the man on the other line at all.

(not again, please not again)

“We’ll be coming immediately, sir. Please tell me what happened.”

My brain doesn’t tell me where to look, as well as my breaths don’t help me to talk. My body is momentarily paralyzed.

“He- He- He-“

Oh my god he’s yelling

I drop the phone, paying no attention to it as I grab a hold of the lying Sungmin’s shoulders. With every new sound he makes, my nerves jolt. Reality seems to be a massive blur; all I can comprehend fully is my love’s heart wrenching screams, echoing through the home and pinching my frail heart over and over.

I still don’t know what’s happening

(Why is it like this)

“Sungmin-ah… Sungmin-ah where does it hurt?”

He rolls over to his side and back, struggling with nothing, sweating from his forehead and squeezing his eyes shut harshly. My brain tells me to keep calm while my heart and the rest of my brittle soul tells me to conjure; to make everything go away: take his hand and fly, they say.

I shake my head and try to ignore my trembling form, my shaking hands and my quivering lips, painfully blue knees, nerve contractions, everything that is.

Sungmin’s lips part and close themselves. My puzzled self can only watch and hold on to him. He calms down gradually, but while he whimpers, keeps grabbing different parts of his body that (I suppose) are in pain.

The strange thing is that there hasn’t been a place that he hasn’t touched.

What’s going on?

I force myself to – in the middle of my ecstatic state of panic – take up the phone again and hold it against my ear. The man is still there.

(I can hear his breaths; his oh-so calm breaths)

“They’re on their way, sir. Whatever you do, please stay with him.”

I breathe quickly. “He said he felt nauseous… A-about an hour ago and then he wailed about how his body was aching and then suddenly he started to scream and

(hurry)

he fainted but then just woke up and he’s… I don’t know what’s going on with him!”

“Okay, okay”, the male says, “Got that. There will be paramedics where you are within minutes. Please stay calm and don’t go anywhere.”

It’s ironic to both of us. But I must say I’m more baffled than I have ever been throughout my whole life.

“Ah, Kyuhyunie, you waited for me?”

The singe in my eyes have only strengthened during the past minutes. I know my eyes are bloodshot, just like his.

Sungmin lies below the sheet and glances at me somehow peculiar. My body is weak and I lean against the back of the chair, stretching out my legs while he observes me. It’s silent, but none of us know why.

This is the third time this has happened, and I know I’m bound to hear something eventually.

“Kyuhyunie, I need to tell you something.”

His warmth strengthens me, but his words do the opposite.

(I know you’re vanishing why did you lie)

My senses contradict themselves constantly; I have lost the knowledge of how to be. It doesn’t help that the only sound I can hear is the clock ticking

(ticking down)

and my own sobs in the small area. Sungmin looks at me, calmly, and eventually – the longer I look into his eyes, the more mesmerized I become and so, by the end of the very minute, I’m already dead quiet, barely breathing, just looking at him.

“Why…-“ I hold my hand over his, both resting over his stomach, “-didn’t you tell me?”

He apprehends it, but not as much as an answer by glance, I get.

“Sungmin-ah. S-Sungmin-… Ah. Why did you let me live?”

I’m in the deepest of darkness and beyond the strongest of walls, and I cannot reach out.

“When the only thing I’ve been living for is withering away… Why did you save me?”

“Kyuhyun-ah…”

His voice is fragile, as well as his fingers below mine. Yet, he strains them to intertwine them all together. I throw a quick but careful glance at the action before I direct it back into his eyes; his tired, puffy eyes.

“Kyuhyunie.” He smiles weakly. “That’s not true. You’ve been living for a lot of things. You are living for a lot of things.”

While the tears build up, I shake my head in denial.

(from what I can remember you are the only one the only only one)

“Just-“ I start before a sob interrupts my words on their way out. “-You. You, you, you!”

Biting my lower lip, I let my head rest on the edge of the hospital bed and I cry; I cry because I don’t know what the future holds; I don’t know if I’ll make it without him: because I’m losing him.

I suddenly feel the infamous, familiar chills spread through my body as Sungmin my hair and plays with the strands on my neck.

He says: “I don’t believe you.” And I turn frustrated.

Why are you talking against me?

“Look how happy you were with Ryeowook and Donghae; remember how much fun we had with them? And see how much you care for the music; I’ve told you countless times how good you are at playing and singing. Maybe even better than me.”

He gives out a breathy laugh, but my startled emotions are too big for me to give in to his cute smile.

“I don’t know if I ever told you but Donghae is a producer. I sent some recordings to him, and he said he might just take you in for some talking. You can be a musician, sweetie.

"I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doing what you think is the worst thing I possibly could have done, but can’t you see? After your pain, you were happy. I… I have never seen you so happy, and I can’t believe that I was the one contributing to it. But sorrow is a shortcut to happiness, Kyuhyunie… When we truly feel sorrow, we know how it feels to truly be happy.”

I don’t move, but my heart however, thumps faster.

“I know that you’ll be happy. I can feel it. And it’s my only wish Kyuhyunie.”

We all wish.

But two months later, I stand on stage. I can’t really see the crowd; the spotlight is right on me, and the guitar. Sungmin’s guitar.

I smile, but hinder my tears of joy before they manage to sneak out.

He had been right. When we truly feel sorrow, we know how it feels to truly be happy.

(I’m lost without you but I’m strong without you)

Time doesn’t change the fact that’s engraved in my heart; there are times when I find myself struggling to prove myself wrong, make myself convinced that I can be happy. And through these times, there is something invincible, pulling me up.

It can be my friends. It can be the devotion for what I do. It can be the lingering trust I was given by the only one I ever truly loved.

But whatever it is, it keeps me going.

And I still do.

hellooo! it feels weird to do author's note since no one might be reading anyway D: (well even if you subscribe you don't always read what do i know)
but whatever
This was the ending ^^
the shortness is something i cannot really explain... it just felt better this way!
I was really motivated with this and it was really heart wrenching to write honestly but I enjoyed it sooo much ;;
Questions? ASK ON BRO~ wish me luck in the contest too ^__^