Two days ago I was not the same.

Two days ago, recovering was a non-existing word; the only thing that was perceivable to my eyes was end. The end of the misery; the cut of the rope and the edge of the ground you're walking on.

I was a living corpse - numb from tip to toe but with determination that reached to every corner of my body - and I could as well have been a dead one.

-- Only until a couple of words changed everything.

"Don't do it."

A wave of chills spread from my toes and up to my arms. My head registered that something was familiar with the male voice, but I didn't look behind me. I was mesmerized by the dark below, and I wanted it to remain that way.

I didn't answer.

"Please don't do it", the voice said once again; this time, it was slightly louder, and I figured that he might have walked closed to me. It made me flinch.

"Don't come close to me." I demanded. "Just go away."

"I won't." He protested, "You have so much to live for, still."

"No I don't."

I didn't want to falter from the disturbance of the stranger behind me, but at that moment, my tears couldn't help themselves from building up in my eyes. I stared at the dark underneath; it was still tempting, and the thought of why I was here, rubbed it in.

"At least try to believe me", the male said, pleading but at the same time calm. "You do."

My grip on the ledge tightened, and I squeezed my eyes shut as I gave out a sigh. The wind had already made me freeze.

"I've lost everything I care about, and my dreams have been shattered continuously. I don't."

I pushed myself further, a feeling in my stomach making me weak and fuzzy, and quickly turned my head to throw a glance at the person who had been so sure of keeping me in this world.

"I have nothing to live for." I confirmed before I caught a glimpse of his whole.

He was standing two meters away from me; hands clasped together and his eyes radiating emotion I wasn't prepared for.

Just at that moment, I realized who it was, and my stomach clutched.

"Then maybe, I can be your nothing."

(whatever my parents had against me to disappear, I would never know; whatever my relatives had against me to never even want to see me, I would never know; whatever my luck had against me to continuously hinder me from following my big dream, I would never know; I thought)

Before I had the chance to react, I was tugged away from the ledge. As I fell through the wind and connected with the ground, I had already stopped thinking. I didn't know what was happening, and it took me three seconds to understand that he was kissing me.

Then with his whole heart exposed, he held me in his arms.

And he cares about me. He didn't open up to me that day for nothing. He didn't follow me to the end for nothing. He followed me to the end to open it; to prolong my story.

Lee Sungmin held me close to his heart, and I, for once, felt alive. 

That was when I realized that I wasn't supposed to disappear just yet. 


"Kyuhyun-ah?"

When the darling blonde appears in the room, through my blurry vision, I can't stop looking at him.

That something that people always tell you about; he has that. He is that.

I smile as Sungmin sits down on the edge of the bed and reaches me a cup of hot tea, while mumbling a short sentence about how he guessed I would be awake, before he touches my forehead, sighing with disbelief and looks around in the room.

I search for his hand, and grab it weakly. He glances at me with a turn of his head, but he doesn't think that I only want to observe him again.

Sungmin. I like him. I have always liked him.

"Are you okay?" He asks; his worried eyes glimmering with emotion, and I wonder suddenly how I could have missed this; how I could have passed by the possibilities of trying over and over, and passed by the ones that I had left to cherish while I could only look at the ones that were gone.

A tear suddenly rolls down my cheek; I feel more frail than I did a few seconds ago, and it's not only because of my intense fever.

His eyes widen, while I squeeze his hand as hard as I can; which is almost with no strength at all. 

Four seconds later, he cries too. But still, he forces that tea down my throat, and through tears, we laugh.


Sungmin. You can be my nothing. You are that space. Thank you for being by my side.

As I look into his chocolate brown eyes – those who make out a huge contrast to his hair, but at the same time matches it so well – I wonder what would have become of me if he weren’t there. The end was so close; I could feel it in my very bones, and I wanted it.

But right now I don’t. Not when he’s looking at me this way; not when my body is getting all fuzzy when he’s around; not when my heart feels at peace knowing his presence; not when I know that I’ve actually got something left on this dreadful earth to love.

“You’re so cute”, he says, after he calms down from laughter and the last drop of tears vanishes from his cheek. Through the pain, the tiredness and the vague vision, I can still see him clearly. And he’s always there.

Unless I actually did jump.

I was stuck with this stupid grin on my face, until it faded in the matter of a brief second; and Sungmin notices my suddenly skeptic look. He does not want me to think of my miserable life, but I also know that he will try to be there if I am overwhelmed, as well as he will stay by my side in close to whatever I do.

His expression is painted by a small, worried frown, and he takes a hold of my hand again. I look at him, as he hesitates to lean forward; but I don’t say anything. Sungmin secretly bites his lower lip before approaching my heated forehead, and it gets darker above my face. Sungmin presses his lips on to my forehead with the uttermost care I can ever remember getting, and I find myself closing my eyes, mind wandering carefully – having its own life – but Sungmin’s presence fades, and I glance at him again. It’s hard reopening my eyes, but I manage.

“Don’t feel worthless.” He begs. From his blank eyes and weak hand, I can tell that the insecurity is a fact.

But we cannot avoid it. I cannot avoid the strange feeling that keeps reminding me that I’m not good enough. I know that life has given me something to live for, but what have I given life? What will I give life; what will I achieve?

“You’ll fight.” Sungmin’s voice interrupts as an answer to my thoughts. I smile, however, instead of acting dumbly. I smile because I mean it. I move my fingers to get a grip of the hand that was just only holding mine, and I look weakly into his eyes.

His cute, thin lips have parted from each other’s presence, and I don’t know how me manages to utter his next words so smoothly.

“You’re perfect.”

If everything he says is a plan to make me giddy, he can read me from tip to toe. He is somehow like a moving statue; like a regular statue you’re used to seeing, supposed to see, supposed to read – right at one particular spot everyday that you know – but somehow, he was the one seeing you all along.

As I wake up again, carefully shifting my frail limbs, I know he’s nearby without opening my eyes. And it’s as if he never left my side.

I give out a lousy moan, as I realize that I have not gotten any better at all, and immediately he responds.

“Oh, I thought I would have to wake you up.”

That is when my lids push open slowly, and I notice him bending to sit down beside me with a tray in his embrace. He is almost fully dressed, with a brown jacket embracing his torso and arms, and a grey scarf that protects his neck and jaw. As he drops down on the edge of the bed, he reaches out a hand to feel my forehead. He once again sighs and begins to my soggy bangs while observing his own action.

“How are you?”

I pout slightly,

“Unwell…”

He presses his lips together in dismay. “I wish I could stay here, but I’ve got work…”

I nod in understanding before he stands up again, waits for me to adjust myself so that I sit up more, and lays the tray on my knees. On it, there is a big cup of hot tea, along with two sandwiches and some pills by a glass of water. As I observe everything, Sungmin takes the chance to his hand over my head again.

And it feels good to have him close.

“Eat as much as you can, okay?” He soon adds, and I nod again, and draws my hand against his arm as he stands up to leave.

“Thank you, sweetie.”

He stops. This is nothing none of us can inwardly blush about; we have after all never called each other such things. But as Sungmin’s lips curve up reluctantly, I make up in my mind that I’ve just found myself a perfect pet name.

But after the short silence, he begins to laugh.

“Sweetie.” He mimics and reaches out his tongue to point at me. A huff escapes my nostrils, but right after, I am the one smiling dumbly.

He wanders off into the hall effortlessly, rambling “It fits you better.”

hiii! first chapter up, hope you enjoy it!<3