Joonmyun disliked fights.

Dislike was an understatement. He hated the mere word fight, loathed anything and everything that shared the same meaning.

At a tender age, Joonmyun had seen the worst in people. Growing up in a rich family had had its perks; however, the society that he’d been immersed in was far from the perfect image the people surrounding him tried to put on.

He’d seen how far rumors could do to people’s reputation, saw how families broke down and relationships were torn to pieces. He witnessed how fights brought out the worst in people, kindhearted or not whether they were family or friends.

Joonmyun hated fights.

Thus, when he became a leader, he vowed to never allow any fights to break out. He promised to be a rational and fair person, he would be certain that as little arguments as possible were voiced in their changed lives.

However, that was one of the many burdens a leader had to carry on their shoulders. He couldn’t be the peacekeeper at all times, and whenever he couldn’t it only made him feel more like a failure.

He stuck through it though, held it inside as he tried his best to solve the problems arising within s’ lives. Although there was a limit to how much he could take, how much he could patch up before someone snapped.

Today was that day.

***

Their performance had been met with extreme amounts of love, and Joonmyun couldn’t be happier.

All those months of constant practicing until their bodies screamed in protest, until they felt not only physically ill but mentally ill, had been worth it.

He bowed deeply towards one of the staff members who hurried to bow back. Someone urged him to move forwards, their hands pushing him as a displeased grunt escaped their lips. Joonmyun sighed, grabbing ahold of Tao’s hands as he lead him.

Unfortunately though, the love couldn’t compensate for the tiredness that resounded throughout the whole group.

Twelve young men stumbled into the waiting van, struggling to reach the best seats. Joonmyun had quietly gotten the passenger seat, silently priding himself on his position as a leader. He glanced back, watching with slight amusement as the taller members used their heights to their advantage, easily blocking the shorter ones.

He forgot that there were only four seats left, forgot that Kris along with Tao sat on two of them while Chanyeol beamed proudly from the third. He missed out on the squabbling younger men until it was too late.

“Come on Jongin-“

“No,” Jongin stated firmly, pushing Sehun back from his seat. “I got this far and square, you should’ve been faster.”

Sehun looked taken aback, mouth agape as he stared wide-eyed at Jongin who remained poised on his seat as if he was waiting for Sehun to pounce at him. Instead, the younger man shot Jongin a glare before moving to sit in the back, hands balled into fists.

Joonmyun bit his lip, gaze moving between the two. He sensed the atmosphere, recognized it all too well. It was the small spark of a fire. Jongin snuggled into his seat, a tiny smile on his lips as he began to sleep while Sehun walked further back, back strangely rigid.

The van started, the engine humming in response as the vehicle moved. Soft snores filled the van as Joonmyun laid back, trying to relax as well. Sweat ran down his temple, although it wasn’t from the performance. He forced his eyes shut, mind reeling with unsaid words.

His head jerked forwards as the van stopped, eyes open. What should’ve been an hour felt like a minute as Joonmyun dragged a hand across his face.

He felt more tired than he’d been before.

As usual, albeit in a sluggish manner, twelve young men stumbled out of the van. No one seemed to rush to the door leading to their dorm; neither did anyone bother to greet the fans at the other side of the building.

It wasn’t as if anyone wanted to though, one glimpse would result into an ambush.

The room was pitch-black upon entering it. Joonmyun felt someone shuffle past him, recognizing the tall silhouette as Chanyeol who was continuing further down the living room. He stopped and Joonmyun braced himself for the blinding light.

“Don’t turn on the lights.”

Joonmyun froze, glancing behind his shoulder to see Sehun with a grim expression on his face. The dim lighting from the hallway illuminated his face, showing his tightly set jaw. The rest of the members stared at him in confusion; Joonmyun felt an icy sensation creep down his spine, cold sweat breaking out on his skin.

“Why not?” Chanyeol responded, his deep voice resonating in the quiet space like an earthquake.

Sehun clicked his tongue, pushing past Joonmyun. “If it’s this dark, Jongin’s bound to disappear immediately.”

The spark had been lit, engulfed in a sea of flames as Jongin shot forwards. He grabbed the back of Sehun’s jacked, slamming him hard into the wall.

The lights went on, brightening the room and stinging their retinas.

Chanyeol stood next to the switch, staring between the two younger men. His mouth was slightly agape as he took a hesitant step towards them, only to pause. Joonmyun saw the fear in his eyes; Chanyeol almost hated fights as he did.

Time slowed down as realization hit him like a truck, a fight was about to happen. Their manager had left, gone to manage his personal duties; they were the only ones present. Joonmyun had to act as the leader.

Joonmyun had to do something, anything, before it was too late.

“Come on guys,” he said, trying to sound calm despite his nerves threatening to take over. “Break it up.”

Jongin shot him a glare, anger burning in his eyes. Sehun used that moment to push the other man away, sending him crashing to the floor. Joonmyun felt the same coldness grip his heart, pump ice instead of blood into his veins. His breathing became quicker, memories of a not too happy childhood surfacing.

“You piece of !” Jongin roared, charging at Sehun once again.

This time Joonmyun managed to push himself between the two. The air disappeared from his lungs as Jongin slammed into him, desperately trying to get to Sehun. The latter was urging him on, making lewd gestures behind Joonmyun’s back as he tried to subdue Jongin.

“Knock it off, Jongin!” Joonmyun shouted, somehow forcing him back. “You’re overreacting, Sehun didn’t mean it!”

Jongin paused, eyes widening. Something snapped in front of Joonmyun’s eyes, before anyone of them could react.

“Are you ing serious?” Jongin whispered in disbelief. “Are you telling me I’m the one who’s at wrong? That he’s the victim? Are you ing serious?”

The words lashed at him as if they had manifested into knives, cutting his skin. Joonmyun opened his mouth, apologizes already beginning to form at the tip of his tongue.

Jongin beat him to it.

“It’s always like this, isn’t it? You guys constantly make fun of me for my ing tan. How is that even right? How are you able to do that? Do you think it’s funny? Did it ever cross your mind that I’m sick of it, did it?”

The decibel rose, the whispers turning into shouts as Jongin began to shake with anger. It was anger that had been sealed, spilling out after months, years, of keeping silent. He crossed the distance between them, prodding a finger against Joonmyun’s chest as he stared at him.

“You’re supposed to be our leader,” he sneered. “You’re supposed to be there for your members, yet you aren’t. All you do is hiding behind others as they solve everything. You, you clearly aren’t suited to be a leader.”

The ice had overtaken his body.

He felt cold, numb, as the words pierced his heart. No tears formed in his eyes, they’d frozen as well. His breathing stopped as he stared silently at Jongin who was still shouting, still continuing.

“I can tell you right now that those seven years you trained were all for nothing. Because you haven’t showed a single bit of leadership, you should’ve never become a trainee in the first place.”

The first crack in the ice enveloped a part of his heart.

“You’re useless.”

Joonmyun stared, stared at Jongin’s face as the anger clouding the younger’s face dissipated. The silence that enveloped the room, only broken by the harsh breaths escaping Jongin’s lips, as realization dawned on him, his breathing stopped. Shock along with guilt marred his face, the rest of the members watching them with wide eyes.

“H-Hyung,” he stammered, taking a hesitant step back. “I- I didn’t mean that, I-“

“No, you’re right.”

Joonmyun’s voice felt strange, devoid of life. He tried to let the tears flow, yet none came. Instead, a smile plastered itself across his lips as he chuckled slightly. He looked around him, at the rest of the members who stood completely still, before facing Jongin again.

“You’re right,” he repeated, although this time he felt a tremor course through his body. “I wasn’t suited for this, never was and never will.”

As the words escaped his trembling body, he stormed out of the room.

Joonmyun ran, ran away from the voices begging him to come back, ran down the flight of stairs, ran out of the apartment and he kept running until his legs screamed in protest.

Yet that only made him continue his sprint into the night, the chill air prickling his skin. After his legs gave out, after he fell breathlessly onto the cold concrete, that was when he stopped running.

That was also when the harsh truth sank into him.

As he kneeled on the pavement, the words began to rewind in his mind. He wasn’t a leader, he never had been.

He was useless.

The tears finally broke free, sliding down his cheeks as a sob racked his body. He covered his mouth, still trembling, as the sadness washed over him. Tears continued to fall, across his hands and against the concrete as his muffled sobs grew louder.

Frantic footsteps were heard, silencing Joonmyun. He glanced to the side, noticing a lone silhouette running towards him.

 “Jongin, what are you doing here?” Joonmyun wondered out loud as he stood up, dusting his knees and wiping away the tears.

He’d grown used to the action that he managed to conceal the brief breakdown in a matter of seconds.

Jongin stopped as he neared him, eyes downcast. “Hyung, I’m sorry…”

Joonmyun looked at him, noticing the tear streaks running down his cheeks and the redness of his eyes. He sighed; a gentle smile on his lips as he the younger’s hair. Jongin’s head snapped up, an expression of confusion on his features.

“It’s alright,” Joonmyun responded, trying to control the light tremors coursing through his body. “I-I’m used to being called all kinds of things, so, I should be the one apologizing.”

“Why?” Jongin asked in bewilderment.

“Because you’ve obviously been called a lot of things as well, a lot of hurtful things that were brushed off as a joke.”

He let his hand fall to his side, walking past Jongin. There was a lone bench sitting under the dim light of a streetlight a couple meters away from them. He strode over in a slow pace, waiting for Jongin to follow him. The younger man eventually picked up his pace, following Joonmyun until they both sat next to one another on the bench.

“Even so,” Jongin started, looking anywhere but at Joonmyun. “It wasn’t right of me to say those things.”

“But it’s the truth isn’t it?”

Silence fell over the two, an undeniable silence that served as the only answer to Joonmyun’s question. It strangely brought a smile, albeit sad, across his face.

“Jongin, listen to me. I’ve been a trainee for seven years; I don’t mind facing the truth.”

He looked over at Jongin, expecting the younger to stare at the ground. Instead, he was staring straight at him.

“If that’s the case, hyung, then why are you crying?”

He blinked, feeling tears in his eyes. Chuckling, Joonmyun hurriedly dragged a hand over his face. He gulped, biting his lower lip as he returned Jongin’s gaze.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, throat feeling constricted. “Maybe, maybe it’s because I’m tired, tired of believing.”

“Tired of what?” Jongin asked cautiously, placing his hand awkwardly on top of Joonmyun’s shoulder.

“I’m tired of believing that I might have a purpose for this career. I’m tired of pretending to not regret, to not wish for a different life. I’m tired of thinking that I’m a simple man.”

He averted his gaze, turning it to the sky. The stars shone brightly across the night despite the clouds trying to conceal them. Once again, he felt his throat constrict even more as a lump began to form.

“My friends from the past, they all dropped out, and it made me realize how lucky I am. I started to value life even more, to value hard work and determination. Yet now I feel ridiculous for valuing that, even if I achieved my dream.”

Joonmyun paused, tears slipping free as he silently cried. Jongin watched, gritting his teeth together before he embraced him. The older man froze, gasping as Jongin tightened his grip around him. He tried to bite back the sob that threatened to escape, only to feel like falling apart as Jongin spoke up.

“Hyung, I’ve never regretted being honest, except for that moment. I’ve never regretted anything in my life than that particular moment, that moment of telling you all those things.”

Jongin didn’t seem to care the tears that stained his shirt, instead he continued while Joonmyun sobbed into his shoulder.

“I was wrong, more wrong than I’ve ever been in my life. You’re the best leader we could’ve asked for; you always put us before yourself and overlook all your own problems to favor ours.”

Joonmyun’s head jerked upwards as he picked up the faint sound of footsteps. His eyes widened as he saw everyone standing behind Jongin.

Sehun was scratching the back of his neck with an expression of guilt on his face as the rest of the members looked at him. Jongin let go of him, looking him straight in the eye as the members stood, like a wall, behind him.

“We couldn’t have asked for a better leader.”

Joonmyun smiled, despite the tears, despite the pain, despite everything. He wasn’t alone, he never had been. He had been accepted, from the beginning till the present.