Sehee P.O.V.

The only reason why I signed the contract to be in Hourglass was because I had owed Lee Sooman sajangnim a lot. He has made me from a simple sixteen year-old girl to a K-pop idol with her name known across Korea and China. I could’ve just refused and continued with my acting career but he has told me that it won’t guarantee my success. The acting career wasn’t stable but is the idol career more stable?

When you’re an actress, you don’t have a continuous schedule that doesn’t give you time to sleep for days. You can have your own time and take a break. Being an idol, you have to live up to your fans’ expectations, which is very high. It is too high to the point of they think you’re very perfect and doesn’t have any flaws, at all.  I don’t even know who I am anymore, there are too many personalities that they expected me to be.

In front of the fans and camera, I would have to be the charismatic and cold leader. She is confident about herself and her group, and she isn’t someone who can be ordered around. Behind the scenes, I’d have to be like a mother. Caring for the members’ well-being and making sure they are alright despite my cold personality.

In front of Sooman sajangnim and manager-nim, I’d be the responsible leader who listens to their orders obediently and handle the girls whenever they do something wrong. I’m losing my identity, but mostly it is because there is no time for the real me, to live. Even when we are at the backstage, I’d still be the Hourglass’s leader, Jung Sehee. The fans are watching us, even at the backstage. The staffs are watching us, to spread rumors if we act like spoiled brats.

I had thought being an idol would make you like a superstar. Boy, was I wrong. In this industry, only the fans treat us like we are superstars. The staffs and crews don’t give a damn about us, no matter how loud the screams of our fans when they sighted us. We are just workers like them, and we are not some high class VIP. Some of the staffs have thought that we’re just acting (which is something I, myself, am not sure of). Hourglass would keep the polite and humble attitude to the staffs and elsewhere. We eat together with the staffs, sometimes on the floor. If the fans see us like that, I’m sure their eyes are going to pop out of its sockets.

The rivalry in Hourglass; it would be a lie if I said it isn’t there, and I’m not one who tells lies. Everyone craves for attention and spotlights. Right now, the attention is on all of us, but it wouldn’t be long before the netizens started choosing their favourite member. It wouldn’t be long before only one Hourglass member becomes the diva of all. It wouldn’t be long before only one member is given all the offers and praises. No matter how good our relationships with each other are, there is a tiny and dark part of us who wish for one of us downfall. But right now, Hourglass has to stand strong together. We have to.

Our relationship with TVXQ has always been close. We were really close to the extent of celebrating anything together and wishing each other good lucks. But things are about to get real, the rivalry between us has started to show. Hourglass would be very happy if TVXQ wins the daesang this year, but it won’t stop us from feeling a bit bitter that they had won against us. Even if they smile, even if we laugh, there’s always a glint in each of us eyes that hopes we would be better than them. A dark desire that hope one of us will stumble and fall, and not getting back up.

SM doesn’t mind that, all they care about is money. Hourglass and TVXQ are giving them so much money that they have become greedy but they are not aware of our tensions. We are very stressed out because of the rivalry. I even heard the representatives have been making bets on us, who will win the daesang? Who will have a larger fan base? Whose album is going to sell the most copies? Cassiopeia and Endless are two strong fan bases. They have always fought with each other but I knew, the two fan clubs are torn apart. It’s not that hard to love TVXQ and their charms. It’s not that hard to fall for Hourglass’s charms as well.

Since TVXQ and Hourglass won the newcomer awards, both fan clubs have been arguing which group is better. Cruel words were typed and praises were posted. Hourglass has been working in Korea while TVXQ in Japan. They will swap places and at the end of the year, everyone will see who is better. But what do we get? The only who is at gain here is SM. While the fans are fighting, Hourglass and TVXQ are being anxious. While the albums are selling, we are working hard to prove ourselves.

I know I’m not the only who’s very stressed out because of this competition. If we win the award, we will feel beyond happy. But what are we going to say to the boys? How can we look them in the eyes and tell them ‘thank you’ when they congratulate us knowing that they want the award as much as we do? How can we congratulate them and smile at them if they win, knowing we want the award more than anything?

“One wrong move, and your fans will be gone.”

This is what I reminded myself with every morning and before I fall asleep (if I do). This is what I say to myself before going to variety show or even when going out of the house. When I go to college, I remove everything about my idol life. With a black-rimmed glasses and a smear of bb cream to cover my eyebags, I’d go to college like that. That was actually what I was told to do by the way. So that I can be the down-to-earth idol.     

I pitied the younger girls who are still in high school. Their friends would treat them like a celebrity even when they actually want to be students. Their friends will follow and snap their pictures, adding the burden of being perfect even with the teenagers that are the same age as them. Soomi is harder. Everyone, expect her to be a goddess. She seems to be the perfect girl but there is more about her. With just a simple and tiny mistake, it would be intolerable for her. The fans and the netizens are expecting a lot. Not only from her, but from all of us.

But this is it. This is the path that we had chosen and this is the price that we have to pay.

At the end of the day, I would ask myself; “Was it worth it?”

And at the end of the day, I wouldn’t have the answer as well.

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Just a piece of what is in the leader’s mind! I would make each of the members as well. This happened in 2005, and a lot have changed since then. I can’t wait to get to 2012. So much things have happened.

And the 27^th Golden Disk Award will be held in Malaysia! I’m still debating whether to go or not. It is around 300USD, which is a lot for a student like me ><