PROLOGUE:

Umma would always tell me that when she was in labour, it felt like I was clawing myself out to the world and there wasn’t even a need for her to push. I know she wasn’t lying. Ever since I have existed, I have struggled within a losing battle to claim a place in this world that I can call my own.

Ever since we were little, my older twin brother was the son every parent would use to lecture their children, why can’t you be like Changmin? He was always first in class, intelligent, polite to the elders, and a pianist prodigy. The neighbours, aunts and uncles would call Umma, Changmin’s Umma and our friends would call our house, Changmin’s house. Umma, Appa, our family home, the shiny blue bicycle, the large black grand piano in the study room. Everything was Changmin’s and none of it was mine.

We were like two sides of the same coin. Changmin never gets in trouble in class, while I spend more days in the detention room then at home. I will always be covered in bruises and dusty clothes from fighting, and Changmin will always be praised by our maid for keeping neat and clean. I forged disinterest in our piano lessons while Changmin enters five competitions in a year. All I want was Umma and Appa to look at me…and tell me…that I don’t need to be like Changmin to be loved by them.

That they will accept me as who I am.

But I was fighting a losing battle. Eighteen years have passed since I have clawed out from Umma’s belly like an unwanted child, and there was no longer anything worthwhile for me to hold onto life. Perhaps it is time to return back to where I belong, back to inexistence, I thought as my hands lazily held onto the car’s steering wheel.

My vision was unclear from all the Soju. My mind was shutting down to sleep mode. But all this does not worry me. This is the state you must be in, the frame of mind you must have, when ending a life that has no reason for existence. A life like mine.

I shut my eyes in harmony, thinking I should have done this years ago.

I feel my lips curving up to a smile. Not like the many other smiles that were untrue and empty of my feelings. This was a contented smile from the depths of my heart.

Would Umma miss me scurrying around eating the apple pies she baked for Changmin? Would Appa miss having someone to scold at? Probably not.

I opened my eyes to see this world that have mistreated and belittled my existence. And just in time.

Almond eyes stared back at me, squinting a bit from the strong light beams from my car. It was a man, having one of his hands covering his face to see clearer of what was ahead. Then his lips form a wide ‘O’. My expression was no less surprise, and nothing else registered in my mind but the fact that someone was in front of me. Someone was in front of my car! And I was going to crash him!

Hurriedly, I stomped on the brake, twirling my car to the left. Everything went by so fast. A large thump and shattering of glass could be heard, then the screeching of my car, followed by a large boom thundering in my head. Next thing I knew it, the world around me was pitch black, and all I have for company was an excruciating pain ringing in my head like a broken record….

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