The roses were placed on the freshly laid concrete of Jinki’s grave.

The incense sticks were lit.

The prayers were said and acknowledged.

I am now standing before the splintered wooden door of Jinki’s apartment.  Rigid and with butterflies in my stomach, I raised a clenched fist and knocked.

“He probably won’t answer,” Jinki explained to me, “I’ve taught him not to open the door to any strangers.”

Jinki took a few steps and walked straight into the door, successfully making my heart leap a beat. Even now, it is still hard to believe a ghost is right next to me. He didn’t come out for a while, and then suddenly called out to me, “Get the spare key hidden in the lamp near the doorbell!”

I obeyed, reaching into the lantern for the key, slotting the silver key into the door, and easily pushing the door open.

The dim-lit room hit me by surprise. It was small and crowded. A jumper, a scarf and socks were scattered on the wooden floor. On the left half of the room was a small clean kitchen. On the other half was what I assumed to be the balcony, as it was shrouded by large thick royal blue curtains which reached from the top to the bottom of the wall. A large wooden coffee table, piling with two untouched trays of porridge and a pudding, lay before a faded flower-patterned sofa. By the wall crammed a small television and radio. And standing rather out of place, stuffed opposing to the tv was a small mantelpiece with a little pot of burning incense sticks. Then my eyes were suddenly drawn to the only life form in the room. Huddling onto the wall beside the mantelpiece was a figure, buried in blankets. His strikingly golden threads of hair and chocolate eyes poking out from the meshed sheets were enough for me to guess who this was. Unsurprisingly, Jinki was already beside the figure, putting a transparent hand on what he thought was the boy’s shoulders. A hand that would never again be acknowledged by any other being but me.

“I-I didn’t open the door, Onew-hyung.” The boy said in a trembling voice, “Don’t be angry. Minnie didn’t open the door. Minnie didn’t open the door!”

For a moment, both Onew and I looked at each other with eyebrows raised in astonishment. 

“M-Minnie…” Jinki began hopefully, his lips, “You can see me?”

The blanket slid off the kid’s thin shoulders. Clutched tightly in his arms was without a doubt, the dubu’s funeral portrait which was meant to sit on the mantelpiece. I sighed and can hear Jinki doing the same.

“Don’t tell me his being replacing me with a portrait this past month.” Jinki groaned.

 To think this kid worries about his hyung getting angry more then a total stranger intruding into his house, I thought.

“He usually calls you Onew hyung?” I asked Jinki.

“Yeah” Jinki smiled ruely, “Because I’m soft like tofu. Introduce yourself, won’t you?”

I scratched the back of my head, “Hey, Taemin.”

The kid seemed to be surprise by the mention of his name. Abruptly, his eyes started tearing up like two huge water balloons, ready to pop any moment.

“I-I didn’t tell strangers my name Onew hyung! I didn’t! Minnie is not a bad boy. Minnie is not a bad boy.” Suddenly Taemin gazed at the portrait in fear, his pupils quivered like the autumn leaves disturbed by the wind outside his apartment, “H-hyung? You still there?” he asked, staring at the portrait. His small trembling hands were gripped so tightly onto the frame that his knuckles turned bone white. Suddenly, what I thought was cute chocolate eyes became cold ashes.

“You,” he taunted, holding up a finger, “Because of you, hyung is no longer here.”

With my eyebrows raised, I stared at the kid stunned. Could it have been this kid has known all along? That it was me. It was the stranger that you’re not afraid of, who crashed the brains out of your hyung. Before I knew it, my mind has run a marathon trying to figure out what to say. What excuse do I have? None. Choi Minho has never made an excuse for his actions that were as blunt as a rusted knife.

“Yes it was me.” I replied frankly.

Taemin smashed the photo frame onto the ground, surprising me with his strength, “I have been a good boy all month” he cried, “I ate my vegetables, I listened to Key hyung! I wore my clothes.” Taemin’s tears were rolling like tap water now, “But because a stranger like you crash into our place, now hyung would think I’ve opened the door to a stranger and won’t come back again!”

What? I was more then stunned by the absurdity of his reasoning. 

Taemin was wiping his eyes furiously and wailing by now, “Hyung would not come back to me now! Hyung would say there’s no proof I didn’t open the door! And strangers don’t have the key! And doors don’t open by themselves! And strangers don’t know your name!”

“No, No! That’s not right Minnie!” Jinki explained desperately, trying to hug the kid but with no prevail.

Instead, he settled to have two lingering hands near Taemin’s shoulders but not knowing what to do with either of them.

 “I would believe you. I would believe you, I swear. So please don’t cry. Don’t cry anymore.” Jinki prayed, because right now, that is all he could do.

Then he looked up at me as if I was at fault, “Do something, will you?”

Taemin was already sprawled onto the wooden floor by now, covering his tear-stricken face and bending forward so that he was curled into a ball. The number of people I have comforted, I can count with a single hand.

Crouching before the kid, I gripped his shoulders and vigorously pushed them up so that he was looking up and pulling his hands from his face. Beneath those small hands was a flushed face, like a rose opening its petals in bloom. His eyes was rimmed crimson and widen in surprise at my brutal force, his checks flushed pink, probably from no air with his hands tightly over his face like that. The ashen, milky skin and paled bubblegum, full-bosomed lips seem to glow in close view. I’m not going to lie. I was mesmerised.

“SHUT UP!”

Then he started wailing even more and I was irritated.  

Jinki tried to kick me, “YOU IDIOT! What the hell do you think you’re doing to a mentally unstable kid?!”

I glared at him. It wasn’t my fault.

“I was really nice to him. I said it kindly” I said.

“That wasn’t kindly.” The dubu stated, “That was fierce. And you were shouting. And you’re hurting him.” Jinki pointed at my hands squeezed tightly on Taemin’s wrists evidently.

“But that’s how I comfort the hyungs in the gang back at home.”  

Jinki stared with a shock expression like I was in another world, and then covered his face with his hands, “How am I meant to cross the gate with you acting this way?” he groaned.

“I also have another way.” I said.

“What?” Jinki asked worriedly, “Don’t tell me you’re going to man-handle him. I swear. Violence on my dongsaeng and you won’t see the end of this –“

Without answering him, I pulled the sobbing kid into my embrace and hugged him tightly with his head well dug into my chest. I looked back at Jinki meaningly.

“This is how the guy from before comforted him, isn’t it?” I stated.

“You mean Key?” the dubu confirmed.

I didn’t want to add that this was also the way Changmin’s Umma would hold onto Changmin every night, kissing on his forehead gently before tucking him into bed as well. I didn’t want to tell him that this was also the way my friends’ Ummas would greet them when they trotted out of the kindergarten to meet their Umma. And most importantly, I didn’t want to tell the dubu that the hug felt very warm.

I pulled Taemin from me, seeing as he was surprised by the sudden hug and have stopped crying. He seemed to look up at me in obedience. His golden hair was ruffled, and as I pat it softly, it bobbed down like a cushion. His eyes squeezed close from his long fringe sweeping over his eyes from my contact. He blinked and gazed up at me again.

“Listen,” I began, “The deal with your hyung –“

“Onew hyung? Hyung knows Onew hyung?”

The kid was pretty damn fast at barking and marking me a stranger to calling me his hyung.

“Yeah, I know him.” I cleared my throat, trying to find an easy way to explain this.

“What do you want to tell him?” Jinki asked.

But I ignored him, putting a hand on Taemin’s shoulder, “You see, Taemin. A month and a half ago, Onew hyung was in a car accident.” I began.

“You couldn’t be telling him…”

“Taemin, from that accident, Onew hyung was hurt very badly. Onew hyung was hurt so bad, and was in so much pain that it wasn’t possible for him to continue to live. Onew hyung died.”

Taemin’s brows furrowed in angrily and huffed, “You’re lying.” He pushed me away from him, “Hyung is bad. Minnie not playing with hyung anymore.”

But I continued, gripping his shoulder so he was facing me, “Even if you be a good boy, your Onew hyung will not come back. And the person who has done this to him is me. I have crashed Onew hyung. I actually wanted to kill myself, but your hyung was in front of my car and the one ended up dead is him. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.”

Taemin pushed me away with all his might, “YOU’RE LYING! Key hyung says Onew hyung went to a different place! A place where he can rest! That’s all!”

“Taemin, do you know what place that is?” I asked.

“Enough Minho,” Jinki said, “Maybe that’s enough for him for one day.”

I ignored Jinki, “That place that your Key hyung talks highly of, is heaven. It’s where you go after you die.”

Taemin’s eyes widen like dishes, darkening like a star that have lost its last glimmer of light. He didn’t look at me anymore and his eyes were now covered by golden threads. Jinki lowered his gaze to the floor, looking bereft.
 

“No, that’s not true. Hyung is lying. Why is hyung lying to me?” Taemin mumbled. Tears like raindrops dribbled onto the back of his hands which were gripping nothing in particular on the wooden floor.

“I have promised your hyung to look after you for the rest of my life, until you find your own happiness. I will not leave you, this is a promise.”

But Taemin didn’t respond to this either.

Suddenly, footsteps can clearly be heard from the stairways, and a loud voice followed soon afterwards.

“Minnie, how many times must I tell you not to open the door when you’re alone at home? It’s dangerous! What if strangers come in –“

Suddenly, the new comer stopped on his tracks. Jinki and I turned to see a familiar face. The same porcelain white skin, the same red wine hair.

“Key?” Jinki said happily.

Unsurprisingly, Key didn’t see Jinki. Already, the man have taken a frying pan sitting on the kitchen counter and swung it expertly at my head, surprising me with his speed as I narrowly escaped.

“I’m not a burglar,” I confirmed hastily to the furious man with my hands raised in surrender.

Key snort, “Do I look stupid? I’ll give you a chance. Get out of this place leaving all of your clothes and possessions or I’ll call the cops.”

I raised an eyebrow, amused, “Am I the thief or you?”

“I guess that’s a no,” Key shrugged swinging a fist at my jaw line.

“YOU GUYS!” Jinki shouted, “MINHO WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST STOP?!”

“ARE YOU CRAZY?!” I shouted back, “HIS TRYING TO KILL ME! WITH A FRYING PAN!”

It must have sounded stupid, but this son of a wasn’t someone to mess around with. He was fast, much like the hyungs back at home. And putting a bruise on that beautiful skin would be a shame, I smirked at the thought.

“U TALKING TO ME?!” the man said furiously, though I don’t know why he’d be furious instead of confused, considering he didn’t realise I was talking to another being in the room.

Suddenly, Jinki screamed out, “TAEMIN DON’T!!”

Both Key and I instantly swept our eyes to the bright stream of afternoon light streaming from the open curtains. A thin figure now stood on a rusty metal balcony. His hair flew over his face and shone the same silky snowy threads as when I first met him. His eyes were dark. Like two cold coals that have lost their spark. He smiled…a hollow smile. I know this smile too well. I wore it on for almost everyday during the past 18 years. He wobbled dangerously on the balcony, blown back and forth by the bellowing autumn wind. And with just a thin t-shirt that was too big for him and sleeping trousers, he seemed frail. Like he was going to fly away any moment. Something hitched in my heart.

Yes, this is the state you must be in…  

“Mister hyung,” he called out to me.

Our eyes met and I was frozen by the intensity of his eyes’ frosty depths.    

The frame of mind you must have...

“I don’t need you to look after me,” He continued smiling, “I’m going to look for my hyung. If hyung is in heaven, then I’ll go there. I’ll go where ever hyung is.”

“MINNIE, YOU COULDN’T?!” Key shouted next to me, taking a step.

“DON’T COME NEAR HERE!” Taemin boomed, surprising us all.

Key retreated his foot, afraid that any movement will trigger the bomb.

Taemin smiled, a true smile, “Annyeong.”

The frame of mind when ending a life that has no more reason for existence…

“TAEMINNNNN!!!” Jinki’s voice boomed.

Everything went by so fast. The flutter of his loose t-shirt. The thick lashes closing over his walnut eyes. The contented smile playing on his lips. The fact that his feet have left the balcony. Then the sharp flicker of his eyelids, revealing pan-sized pupils gapping in astonishment. My strong grip on his wrist. Then the weight of his entire being resting solely my right hand. I dared to flicker an eyelid open to find the kid still hung from my grip and Jinki who have dashed and tried to hug his brother as a useless attempt to protect him from the fall now floating mid-air, arms wrapped lightly on Taemin as a hard grip would mean arms going through the boy’s body. I can hear Key and I let out heart-leaping sigh. Slowly, I pulled Taemin easily back on the balcony. And even before Key commented on his idiocy, Taemin was already holding onto my arms. His stare was serious, his grip was stronger then I expected.

Taemin’s mouth quivered and whispered some inaudible words.

“I can’t hear you. Calm down.” I said.

He took a deep breathe and tried again, “O..Onew hyung, Onew hyung called Minnie’s name. Onew hyung called Minnie’s name!” Like sudden realisation, a fresh smile pasted on his face, “He called Taemin! Did hyung hear it? Onew hyung is still here. I…I heard him.”

I looked at Jinki in shock and find Jinki holding the same shock expression with a hand on his mouth, “You did call out to him.” I stated.

“I…I. But how does Taemin hear that? Or is it just his imagination again?”

I shook my head, “No, I think he heard you.”

Key, by now was right beside me and a mumbling Taemin who was trying to add things up together, had a confused face as he eyed at me critically, “Hey you, who are you talking to? You’re freaking me out.”

Before I could open my mouth, Key added, “If you’re saying Onew, I won’t forgive you.”

I stared at him intently, and was about to tell him that he’d probably better be prepared to not forgive me when I was interrupted once again.

“Onew hyung probably didn’t go far.” Taemin derived out, “His probably still here. Minnie has to find him!” He stood up, running into the apartment, calling out Onew’s name and checking every notch and cram. Key and I ran after him. Key held firmly onto Taemin’s shoulders, bringing him into a tight embrace. I continued to stand by the balcony, with Jinki beside me. Both of us, as confused as each other.

“Taemin. Onew hyung is gone. He is no longer here.” Key’s voice was stuck in his throat as he said the last few words, “His dead. I’m sorry.”

But Taemin didn’t seem to be listening. He was staring intently at me with Key still embracing him tightly. He candyfloss lips formed a ‘O’ in curiosity. His walnuts eyes stared deeply in my own coal black ones. Then his gaze shifted to my right, shook his head with eyes closed, blinked and looked to my right again. Undoubtedly, he was looking at Jinki. He looked back at me, catching me giving Jinki an uneasy glance. Taemin’s eyes widen in shock, then pulling from Key’s embrace and calling out Onew hyung, he dashed to my right, trying to hug his hyung.

Jinki’s face was flushed with happiness, and with his arms spread he said, “Taemin”.

But unsurprisingly, Taemin fell to the ground, going through Jinki. Jinki’s forlorn face was hard to miss. I helped Taemin up, but Taemin was now looking back and forth for Jinki.

“Hyung, where’s hyung?!” he asked me, and would have fallen back onto the ground if I wasn’t still holding onto him, “Hyung, Minnie just saw Onew hyung.” The kid looked so lost at this moment, I felt sorry for him. A lot of incomprehensible things have happened today, “Minnie saw him,” he said holding a shaking finger, “Right next to hyung, for a second. T-Then he disappeared? How come? How’s that?” Taemin laughed hysterically, “It’s not possible! He was right here. Hyung saw it right? Hyung saw Onew hyung. Onew hyung…his with hyung.”

“Taemin…” Key said dejectedly. Probably thinking Taemin need to attend a physiatrist before his mental stability gets worst.

“You can’t tell him.” Jinki said desperately, “You can’t tell him that I’m a ghost. He might want to become one too.”

I nodded in agreement. Setting Taemin back down on the ground again, I turned him to face me, “Listen Taemin. Onew hyung have left.”

“YAH!” Jinki began, “You want another suicidal attempt?”

Taemin shook his head sternly, “Minnie saw him.”

“You one stubborn kid, aren’t you? Onew hyung is gone, but he has left something behind.” I rose Taemin’s hand to touch my chest and wore my most charming smile, “Me.”

“YAH!” Jinki said, “Say it probably! I didn’t have a choice! If I have a choice, I won’t leave a violent bastard like you to Min.”

I ignored the dubu, “You saw him just then, right?”

At this, Taemin nodded vigorously.

This time Key interrupted, “YAH! What kind of non-sense are you feeding the kid?!”

“I’ll explain later,” I told Key, then returned my attention back to Taemin, “He came to say goodbye. That is the last time you’ll see him for now. BUT! He is worried that you’ll do silly things like trying to go to heaven. People who get to go to heaven are special. Everyone will have a chance, but they have to wait for their turn. If you intentionally try to go to heaven, you will never in your whole life, be able to go up there and see Onew hyung again.”

Taemin looked so shocked at this that I couldn’t help but smile. Such a gullible kid.

“Yes, that’s right. Onew hyung was very angry when you did that. He came all the way from heaven to see you one last time to find you jumping off balconies. You have to wait. Onew hyung is waiting for you. He’ll wait as long as it takes. But right now, he wants you to live happily until that time comes, do you understand?”

“B-But Minnie doesn’t want to.”

“I know, but you have to. Taemin is a big boy. Now that Onew hyung is not here, Taemin have to be extra good and grow up faster so Onew hyung can see you faster. Onew hyung sent me to help you with that.”

“Hyung?”

“Yeah,”

“Can Key hyung help me instead?”

Jinki held his laughter.

This kid...

I was so tempted to say I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t the stupid dubu who insisted.

“No,” I said.

The kid seemed forlorn.

“But he can help.” I added.

After Key have tucked Taemin to sleep, I was about to take my leave when I was hold back by a porcelain hand.

“Yah, you have many explaining to do.” He said, dragging me downstairs out by the front lawn of the apartment.

“I’m going to be frank,” I told him, “I am the person who crashed Jinki.”

“I know that,” Key said, which surprised me.

“You knew? How?”

Key looked uncomfortable, “Jinki…was greeting me from across the street. If he wasn’t trying to cross the road over to me, you wouldn’t have crashed onto him.” With a pale hand, Key covered half his face streaking with tears, while his other hand folded across his elbow, “Jinki was lying there in a puddle of blood. There was so much blood… And I couldn’t do anything about it.” 

I smiled, which somehow made Key pissed for some reason. I said, “Don’t worry. I’m sure Jinki is not mad at you. It wasn’t your fault. He decided to cross himself.”

I know this for sure, because Jinki was hugging onto Key right now, laying his head lightly on Key’s shoulder, snuggling into it warmly.

“Yah, of course it’s not my fault.” Key said, surprising both Jinki and I. Jinki’s head shot up like a puppy.

“That’s Key for you,” Jinki sighed, “And I thought for a second he was quite cute.”

“It’s the bastard that drinks drive that was at fault.” Key sneered, “I would hit you right now, but I can’t stop blaming myself. I have no right. The only person that has the right to hit you is Taemin.”

 Suddenly, Key’s steel fist exploded onto my jaw line.

“So this is for Taemin, because I know he is not capable of doing this.” Key said, “Let’s end it with that. You don’t need to be here. Go back to your family. To your rich kid’s life. And take all that about looking after Taemin with you. I can take care of Taemin by myself.”

“I can’t do that,” I said, “You might not believe me, but I have made a promise to Jinki hyung I’ll take care of his brother.”

“You mean a one-sided promise by his grave?” Key mocked, “Do you know how to look after a kid, ‘kid’? A boy that is living in a world incomprehensible to any of us but himself. Do you think this is a game to settle down your own guilt? After you can’t take it anymore, you can’t take any of his nonsense, you will leave him, is that it?”  

I didn’t know what to say at that moment. It is true. I am afraid. All this time, I have lived for myself, by myself. I do not know how to interact with anyone except for the hyungs back in our city gang.

“No, I won’t leave him.” I said surely, but my heart is wavering, “That is a promise. I’ll prove it to you.” My words are tougher then my will.

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