08 | Super Junior Sungmin's daughter??
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08 Super Junior Sungmin's daughter??
08 • Super Junior Sungmin's daughter??
Story by: Sakura_putih
[Clear Days, Cloudy Days Reviews]
Story by: Sakura_putih
[Clear Days, Cloudy Days Reviews]
Title:
The title is too long. Moreover, it doesn’t seem to catch my interest at first look. I had a feeling that I would probably know what the story would be about as well, and I guessed right. However, I did try to guess the themes the story might hold as I’m not with familiar stories that include a child. I guessed drama but I wasn’t sure what the others could’ve been. Also I don’t think another question mark was needed in the title. It emphasised the title more, rather than making it look like a question. It also makes the title a bit more desperate. It could’ve been fine as ‘Sungmin’s daughter?’ seeing that you’ve included the ‘superjunior’ tag in your story; we don’t need to reassure the audience that there’ll be one Sungmin in the story. Also I think there’s only one popular idol called Sungmin, so you didn’t have to include the ‘Super Junior’ as well.
I can say that the title does in fact match the story.
Foreword/Description:
There were some grammatical errors in your foreword and description but nevertheless I still understood what you were trying to say. The description was straightforward but, I felt that you revealed a bit too much information. The readers would know what would happen in the story and there’s no fun in that. The later chapters would make too much sense, and there won’t be that many surprises as we, the readers, would’ve expected it. The last few lines were alright though. The second-to-last line had a twist to the oh-so-happy paragraph before it thus creating some tension and drama. The rhetorical question at the end was a good strategy as well for the readers to start wondering on what is the ‘truth’.
Now the foreword does make wonder for a bit. It gives an insight of Sungmin’s ‘daughter’ and what she’s like, so we readers can imagine on her character. Also, I wondered whether this letter was before the story or after the story, so it makes me think on what could happen or what could’ve happened. I like how you written it as well! It’s not too formal as it’s addressed to a little kid and it reveals a bit of Sungmin’s character which I like.
Originality:
The story isn’t new or refreshing. Your plot is something that’s a bit common around the site. I like how you tried to embed a mystery kind of theme in the story but I’d like to mention that there were some loop holes in the story that wasn’t cleared up thus making your story a bit messy. For example:
What happened to the reporter?
I was dying to know what happened to Soo Rin! Did she get fired? How did she manage to tell the media that the D.N.A result was actually fake? Did Sungmin ever found out about her? I felt that if you elaborated more on the reporter then it would’ve made the of the story more interesting and worthwhile to read.
What on Earth did the fan-girls think about the incident?
This question might’ve an obvious answer but I’d like to see the fan-girls’ reactions when the news about Sungmin having an illegitimate child was leaked. Heck, I’d like to see some of the comments that they could’ve said on a website or on the news. This would’ve made the story a bit more realistic as a group (especially a large one like Super Junior) could not forget on how their fan-clubs are feeling.
Ji Eun mentioned that she goes to school. Didn’t she get any attention when she went there?
This girl was starred in a show, and a famous show to be more exact. Does she not have anything to say when she gets home from school? No kids, teachers or friends talking to her on how she’s a famous child? What about the incident? Did she not get bullied when people found that she was in fact illegitimate? I know that Ji Eun’s a sick girl, but that doesn’t mean that we should neglect some factors that make her a normal person.
These are a few aspects that I felt could’ve made the story more believable; however I felt that they were either forgotten or neglected which made me a bit disappointed.
Characterization:
Now I see the development of Sungmin as a father towards Ji Eun. However, I feel there are times where he seems like he’s the only character who tends to be in a negative mood, most of the time. I can see how much is daughter means to him, despite the fact he’s not actually her real dad.
I felt that Sungmin’s parents were a little too perfect. They’re always supporting Sungmin in what he does, and they seem to be perfectly alright in what happens as they seem prepared for everything. I thought that Sungmin’s dad would be a bit stricter since the way you described him, made him seem like an important person in his occupation. Thus, I thought he would be stressed when making decisions that has a connection with Sungmin. But apparently he doesn’t. Sungmin’s mum is really supportive to the point where I can’t see her as a real person, I thought she’d be the type who gets emotional and debates with herself if what she thinks she’s doing to her son is right.
I’m a bit unsure about your characters as I feel some were too common (For example, Sungmin’s brother who’s just like his mum: he’s supportive) and also some didn’t make sense. The fan-girls, I didn’t understand, what happened to them? I should also include Sungmin’s friends in the beginning who didn’t appear anywhere else in the story I believe. I feel that the amount of characters you mentioned in the story was alright, but the amount on how much you revealed about them wasn’t good.
Grammar/Vocabulary:
I understand that English isn’t your first language but, there were lots of mistakes that I focused more on mentally correcting them then actually reading the actual story. Most of them revolved around your past tenses, spelling mistakes, and some punctuation. I feel that you need to improve these flaws as these little things spoilt the story a bit.
Example: They day was awesome if they have to explained it in words.
Correction: The day was awesome if they had to explain it in words.
I think you misspelt ‘The’ wrong, and also most of the story is written in the past tense. I can see you tried to set this sentence in the past but it doesn’t sound right. To improve, try saying the sentence and ensure whether it makes sense or not, before typing it down. Once you get the habit of it, you can do it mentally and there won’t be as many mistakes.
Example: It’s hurt my heart to see the small you lay on the hospital bed everytime you fall sick. It’s hurt to see your pale face everytime you had a fever. And it’s hurt everytime you have to eat those medicines although you always end with a bright smile.
Correction: It hurts my heart to see you lying down on the hospital bed every-time you fell sick. It hurts to see your pale face every-time you had a fever. And it also hurts every-time you had to take medicine, even though you always finished with a bright smile.
This was taken from the foreword, first the obvious mistake I saw was ‘it’s’. In this context, the sentence would be written as ‘It is hurt’ and that doesn’t make sense. Also the very first sentence was written in the present which doesn’t match with the paragraph as they were written in the past. I understand what you meant at the last part of the last sentence but it didn’t sound right as well.
Example: “Her mother wouldn’t believe her. Her mother work at night and her stepfather came home after she left. If her mother were there, her stepfather would never harm her, so she didn’t have any evidence. We’ve tried reported to the police but she won’t talk and just cried so we couldn’t do anything to help her.”
Correction: “Her mother wouldn’t believe her; she works at night and her stepfather comes home after she leaves. If her mum was there, he would never harm her, so she didn’t have any evidence. We’ve tried reporting to the police but she didn’t talk and just cried; so we couldn’t do anything else to help her.”
There was a repetition of ‘mother’ and ‘stepfather’ so I’d tried to substitute ‘she’ or ‘her’ and ‘he’ to avoid it. I see that you tried to set this paragraph in the past but when you’re trying to explain something that happens regularly, it would be in present.
Example: Everthing; Enhoyed; onne,
Correction: Everything; Enjoyed; One
Did you write your story in AFF? Usually it would be easy to spot a spelling mistake if you did it in Word. I’m really picky about spelling so it was alright to me seeing that there were only a few spelling mistakes.
Example: “Aish! Arasseo! DONGHAE-yah!! HYUKKIE-yah!!”
Correction: “Aish! Arasseo! Donghae-yah! Hyukkie-yah!”
It, personally, really puts me off when I see words in capital letters. I understand that it’s for emphasis and such but no. It almost makes the sentence a bit immature as well because that’s something I’d expect a little kid to do. What didn’t make sense was why the ‘yah’ part not in capital letters wasn’t? That makes the dialogue not consistent. And also an extra exclamation wasn’t needed because we, the audience, know that person was shouting with the obvious capital letters. For emphasis, just make the words bolder.
Example: “Noona…?”
Correction: “Noona?”
I like to point out that you use a lot of ellipses. Ellipses are used to create suspense, or make a setting more dramatic. In this case, the tone of the dialogue seemed more worried than suspicious. Example: “I…actually…We, I mean…ermm…I…” Correction: “I-I, actually we, I-I mean, umm I-” Another example with ellipses! I understand that you were trying to create a gap from word to word, but ellipses aren’t used for that type of purpose. I remember that in this dialogue that the person who spoke this line was stuttering. In your example, it showed no sign of stuttering so I edited the dialogue in the correction to show what it would’ve looked like if that person was stuttering.
I hope this has given an insight on what you can do to improve when writing your future stories.
Enjoyment:
I didn’t hate the story at all. But the plot’s overused in stories, dramas that it doesn’t surprise that some certain, important events actually occurred- they were predictable. I, as reader for drama wants to be surprised without having to guess what’s going to happen next and it turns out I’m right; there’s no fun in that. Moreover seeing that the story’s meant to be angsty, I didn’t feel that type of vibe at all from the story. It seemed bouncy and Sungmin seemed more depressed and tired rather than mysterious.
Writing Style:
Your writing style is alright on the whole. I understood what you were trying to say however I did get confused in some areas. One example is the time and setting of a scene.
Example: “Theme park?” Ji Eun suddenly answered which made Sungmin instantly turned around to face s. He shook his head. But he was late by a mere second as the members already shouted ‘yes’. “But, guys, it’s already late. Should we go some other day?” Sungmin quickly interrupted.
—————
Their picnic ended when the sun set down.
This part confused me as I thought it might’ve been evening or yes, late at that time when Ji Eun suggested that they should go to a theme park. However, in the later paragraphs it turns out it might’ve afternoon when they had a picnic. This made confused on why couldn’t they go to a theme park in the afternoon; is afternoon considered late for Sungmin? Either you forgot what time of the day when you wrote the two separate paragraphs or both events happened on different days.
I understand that you want to make the story a bit realistic by including some every-day Korean words which I’m alright about. However, there were some words that I didn’t get and I hoped that you actually explained what some meant at the end of the chapter- but you didn’t. Some words that I didn’t get were ‘Uri aegi’ and ‘Sajangnim’. As a reader, I want to understand what’s going on in a story, without having to research on what certain words mean.Another thing I didn’t get is why they had to be italic. Italics are used for emphasis on a certain word, not separating two languages. I did see that you were also trying to include humour in some areas to try lightening up the mood which I find sweet. But there were some that made me unsure on why they were used.
Example: And I’m not even a member of a girl-group!
This line was used in chapter 14 when Sungmin was questioning why they sent him the bloodied and ripped teddy bear- this really made me confused. Why did you use it? I don’t see the connection between a girl group and a messed-up teddy bear. I wasn’t sure if you were trying to be sarcastic either.
Bonus/Reviewer’s comments:
I don’t think the story was bad at all. Sure, it wasn’t new or original but I felt familiar with it which is comforting. There are a few sections that needs to be polished like your past tenses and punctuation, but other than that I was alright with it. I hope I wasn’t too harsh in this review! I thoroughly liked Ji Eun’s strong and lovable character and the ending was sweet. With some improvement, I think your future stories will be good.
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