32 | Number 9

32 Number 9

32 • Number 9
Story by: Shy_DayDreamer
[♛ Scarlett Reviews]

Title:

After reading your story, I thought 'How does the title even matched the story?'. Now, I vaguely remembered a song called 'Number 9' by T-ARA, and after that thought came up, I went to looking up the lyrics of it and fair enough, the song lyrics did match the story. Now looking at the tags, I understood why you wrote 'songfic'! To start off, by looking at your title I would't say I'd be pulled in just by glance. Yes, I might've been interested in it, but I don't think I'd click on your story. Why? It doesn't have that something that would drag me into reading it. I would've thought it was just another story that had a number as title. It doesn't really have anything special about, and if I didn't know that T-ARA made a song with the same title, I wouldn't have been interested into reading it.

I was actually curious as to what the number 9 meant so I did do a tiny bit of research on it as well. Nevertheless, the results I got were interesting and somewhat had relevance to your story! Spiritually, 9 can be used a sign of achievement, and fair enough both Kyungsoo and Chanyeol did achieve their goal at the end. Other aspects of the number also include truth and personal integrity - this is something that definitely has relation to Kyungsoo which also might change one's thoughts on the said character. Just by looking at these ideas, I can see why perhaps you and T-ARA chose the number 9.

So yes, there were a few flaws within your title. However, I can see the deeper meaning behind it, and if I were to know the meanings beforehand, I would've been interested upon reading your story.

Appearance [Foreword; Description; Poster (if any); Readability]

Let's start off with your poster first! If I were to see it before the title, I would have lured in strightaway! It gives off a very macabre and eerie mood to your story which matches well with the theme of your story! I really like the blurry use on the character's faces and it makes me wonder 'Why? Does this mean that the character's personality confused and distorted as well?' - also it somehow shows that Kyungsoo and Jongin are somewhat embedded in Chanyeol's life which may perhaps hint their role in the story. The colours used give off more of a horror atmosphere rather then an angst one however over pondering this I wasn't quite too sure on what other colour would give off the same tone as you'd want.

Onto the description - I was bit torn in this part. I felt that you somehow revealed information which the readers could've figured out by themselves in the story rather then being told to them directly. Since it is a horror/mystery fiction, you don't want to give a lot of information - which you did. However, I felt that you should've changed the information that was given to the readers. One, for example, is this:

Example: Chanyeol's a new detective

Correction: Chanyeol's a troubled detective

You didn't have to mentioned that Chanyeol was a new detective; readers would assume that he'll probably have troubles with the mystery to begin with. Instead, I changed the word to 'troubled' because then the audience would think 'Why is he troubled? Does he have health problems? Is he traumatised?' etc.

Example: ...involving Kim Jongin and his sadistic classmate Do Kyungsoo.

Correction: ...involving Kim Jongin and his classmate Do Kyungsoo.

Here, I removed the term 'sadistic' because it would give an impression of what Kyungsoo was like, and perhaps one can assume there might've been history between the two said characters. Also by eradicating the word, it woulld make the audience question on Kyungsoo's character in the story, and his motives in the story.

I believe these are just the two flaws that I picked up in your description, but other than that, the rest is alright! Your description does make me question about the story, and I probably would've been interested in reading it.

For the foreword - very intriguing and luring. Why? You bring out a totally different side of Kyungsoo that I believe most of the users reader about - so it really did make me question on his role in the story. It also sparks interest in whom Kyungsoo was referring to when he said 'Kitty', and I would've definitely continued on reading your story because of that dialogue alone. It certainly gives a flavour what I'd be expected to read in your story as well, and it certainly shows the themes associated with your story. For the rest of the foreword, I don't have that much problems with it! You mentioned relevant things as well as the credits which I believe don't really interfere with your actual foreword.

For the readability, it was alright! The font was alright and I didn't have to squint or anything. The font colour was consistent and the paragraph spacing was orderly and neat as well.

On the whole, in this section, it was alright! Yes there might be a few sections where you'd have to go back and check, but other then that, you don't have to worry much!

Plot & Originality

Can I say your plot is orginal? I'm not too sure on that. Yes, I've come across fics where a character's killed by their sadistic boyfriend/girlfriend, and in all honesty, I don't think there was anything new when I read you story. Now, don't be disheartened by this. A few of your commentors said that you have potential which I agree with. Moreover, the characters' background aren't really original. Kyungsoo being bullied and Kai being one of the bullies isn't fresh is it? But somehow I can see why; the idea is common and widely used. If there's one thing I'm still unsure about it's this - why did Kyungsoo and Kai go out? Was Kai aware that Kyungsoo was the same guy he bullied? Or did he realise too late? Questions do come to mind when I finished reading your story however I'm not sure if there were answered in anyway. Regardless, I believe that those were the few loopholes that I found in your story.

Overall, I can't say that I really enjoyed your story - but I don't think it's bad as well; it's somewhere in between. Since your story is finished, I'm not too certain in what I can give to improve. I believe one is this - try add a more exciting plot twist. I don't think there was meant to be one in this story considering the length of it however, perhaps in your future stories, you could insert a few surprising twist and turns. I think that's what could have made your story a bit more worthwhile - Chanyeol's realisation to the situation and Jongin's body being found didn't strike me something as 'Wow! Didn't expect that!' - I somehow expected it and I wasn't too surprised when the scenes came.

To conclude, yes the story didn't really offer anything new when reading it. However, for a mystery fic I believe that it did well as the plot was understandable, and as mentioneed, there weren't a lot of gaps when the story was done.

Language and Writing Style

It's simplistic, which I think is a good thing. Why? I believed you mentioned were a novice when writing horror/angst fictions so I think it was a good idea to start writing simply rather then have complicated and long paragraphs which would mess up the storyline. I could understand your story well, and for a novice I'm quite happy with the attempt you made. I picked up scenes where you tried to make it tense and mysterious, and I applaud at your attempts. One thing I did pick is that you don't really use a lot of dialogue verbs. Yes, I know that most of us writers [including myself] don't really use them as often. However, they're useful as it gives a character more depth [which I'll explain later on] and also it sets a more interesting atmosphere within the story.

Example: "Where are we gonna go next to find more clues? We already used all of the info given to us and all of the locations where Jongin and Kyungsoo went to were already searched. I don't think we would be able to find more source from a different location."

Correction: "Where are we gonna go next to find more clues? We already used all of the info given to us and all of the locations where Jongin and Kyungsoo went to were already searched. I don't think we would be able to find more source from a different location." he said, sounding exasperated.

I'm just going to do one example since I believe you're fully capable of finding some others by yourself. In this particular scene, I imagine Chanyeol to sound a bit hopeless and somewhat irritated. Now, I know 'said' isn't really the best you can use - but I added exasperated to indicate his irritation.

Overall, I believe that you don't have to worry as much in this section. Just remember to proof-read in case you spot a few flaws here and there!

Characterisation

I'll mainly talk about Chanyeol - personally, I think Chanyeol's character is a bit bland; there's nothing special about him. I can understand within two chapters, it may be a bit hard to develop a character's personality. One suggestion I could give to improve is perhaps give Chanyeol quirky traits - even if his character may be a bit tasteless, his actions could show perhaps he's just as human as anyone else. For example. throughout the story Chanyeol could've bit his lip a couple of times to show his nervousness as afterall, he is a novice so there is a chance of messing up. Or perhaps Chanyeol could fix the cuffs of his shirt [if he wears a shirt that has long sleeves that is] which could imply that Chanyeol is wary of how he presents himself. I mentioned quirky traits because actions do speak louder then words sometimes - and as mentioned you don't include a lot of dialogue verbs. Yes, sometimes dialogue verbs may be a bit pointless at times, however, it can be useful because it can also show a character's personality as well. Let's take the the example in the previous section. By adding 'exasperated' in, it would show Chanyeol's somewhat more human - instead of being calm and collective, he shows sign of nervousness as well. I believe that perhaps inserting a few dialogue verbs, Chanyeol's character wouldn't have been a bit bland.

Now, I don't think Chanyeol was boring character. Yes, I did find him a but tasteless but he didn't strike me as someone unrealistic. I believed he played the role as a new detective really well, and I think that by adding a little flavor to his character, I might've liked him. I do like to note that Chanyeol's character is somehow like Kyungsoo. Just like Kyungsoo you add a bit of a twist to Chanyeol. I believe that in most stories here in AFF, writers described Chanyeol as a goofy/lively/exciting young man. Whereas here, you gave him a more serious role to play which, just like Kyungsoo, made me intrigued on how you were going to show a more serious side of Chanyeol. So just to clear up, Chanyeol, with a bit of colour, could've been an interesting character. But nevertheless, he was interesting to read about and I did wonder on how a newbie was going to solve the mystery with his character!

Flow

One thing's for sure, I'm glad how you just summarised what basically happened in the end! It brings in the most of the loopholes together, and it wasn't that difficult to comprehend in what actually happened. What I was a bit concerned in was how you managed to squeeze a mystery in just two chapters - I thought it was a mystery that was solved overnight! I then realised that the story happened over a few days and then my confusion cleared up. I think the flow was alright - nothing seemed random nor rash. For a new detective, I did wonder how Chanyeol seemed to pick up and improved his detective skills quite quickly though - not that I doubt it though. Chanyeol seems like a clever kid so I wasn't surprised when he managed to understand the situation afterwards. So yes, didn't have a problem with your flow! Understood it quite well, and as mentioned, the ending cleared up the whole mystery which - it was basically the icing on the cake.

Final Comments

For a novice, this story was a good head start to your future stories [if any!]. I feel that although this story isn't as strong nor exciting as any other mystery stories out there, I believe that with a bit more development in the plot and characters, you'd be able to do well! I'd like to mentioned that the simplicity of your story also added a factor! It allowed the readers to see Chanyeol's character and his 'journey' to solving the situation. If it were a more complex storyline. I don't think one would be able to see Chanyeol in much depth as the reader would be more focused on the actual mystery.

Words from the Reviewer; I'd like reinforce that you do have potential to write better! I hope that the review wasn't too harsh and hopefully you did pick up some points on how to improve! I'd also like to mention this; happy belated valentines day! Hopefully you had a sweet one this year! I apologise for a late review but hopefully you were able to find this review useful!

-Jam [Divergin1004]

16-02-14