ii / iii

Honestly, Sehun doesn’t like laptops. They’re too big and bulky, and they’re hard to carry around. Sehun prefers to have a smartphone with internet.

    He’s playing around on it when Luhan comes stomping into the room, wearing a stressed expression. He flops on his bed and kicks and groans into his pillow, and Sehun and Kyungsoo look at him strangely. Luhan feels their stares and lifts his head, fingers clenched at his sides. “What?”

     “Something wrong?” Kyungsoo asks. Sehun just shrugs and leans back on his pillow, blowing a piece of dirt off his screen. He can see Luhan’s outrage at his indifference out of the corner of his eye and smirks.

        “Kyungsoo, do you have something to do?”

Kyungsoo gets the message and snorts. “Asking me to leave, hyung, are you?” he mutters, getting up and traversing the room. He closes the door loudly when he leaves, a jab at Luhan.

        Sehun fights the urge to glare at Luhan for getting them into this situation.

They both wait for the other to talk. Sehun keeps his eyes on his phone, reading about the U.S. army and the investigations in Syria. Basically, he doesn’t really want to read the news, but he has nothing else to do but play games and text his dad. Uninteresting.

   On the other hand, Luhan is propped up on his elbows, eyes trained on Sehun’s figure, impatience evident in his tight features. He's probably wondering why I'm not questioning him, thinks Sehun triumphantly. Hah.

     “It’s Minseok,” blurts out Luhan, obviously getting tired of waiting. “He’s still waiting for an answer. We were talking alone today. I got really pale and my mouth went dry and I couldn’t say anything and he was touching my face and god damnit, why aren’t you listening?!”

      Sehun glances at him for a second and then shrugs, setting his phone to the sleep option and throwing it down on the bed next to him. “I don’t see how I can help you. If he likes you, and if you like him, voila, you have a perfect relationship option laying on the table.”

     Luhan kicks the bed again in frustration. “One, mister, don’t talk to me like that. Two, relationships aren’t an option because in case you haven’t noticed, we’re idols, and three…” He trails off and sighs.

     “Never mind about three,” he says, picking at his sheet. “It’s just that we can’t even be in relationships.”

   Sehun frowns. It isn’t like Luhan to take something back like that. If Luhan has something he wants to say, darn well he’s going to say it.

     “What is number three?”

Luhan’s eyes flash - some emotion that Sehun can’t pick out. “Are you deaf?”

   “No, I’m not deaf,” argues Sehun, “and so I know for a fact that there is a number three.”

“Why do you care?” Luhan says. Sehun can see how desperate Luhan is, and defeated, and he feels a twinge of pity in his chest.

     “If you thought I wasn’t going to care, why’d you entrust me with this in the first place? You’re my friend. Come on.”

      Luhan hangs his head and whispers, “Well, just... Minseok. I like him a lot. He’s always been there for me and I have always been there for him. I just never thought he would develop something like feelings for me. It’s shocking and it makes me feel like I’m wilting, because I’m…” He grips and tugs at hair, which is a soft baby pink now. “I’m trying to choose between two things that’ll never happen.” Luhan lifts his head, and Sehun meets his gaze.

   In that look, Sehun knows what Luhan’s talking about. Luhan wants him to understand that every reaction Luhan has had to Sehun was an act of confusion, or impulsion, and he realizes that Luhan is just as lost as he is. Luhan kissed Sehun to hide from the pain of knowing that he’ll hurt Minseok, to lose himself in bliss instead of confusing thoughts and haunting answers… but Sehun can’t bring himself to think that Luhan’s other choice is Sehun and Sehun only. It makes him panic; his chest tightens, and his mind swirls. Furthermore, Luhan believes that it will never happen, and that just makes Sehun even more befuddled than he was before. So Luhan kissed Sehun just because it will never happen? They won’t happen? Was Luhan trying to savor the moment? Or did Luhan kiss Sehun because Sehun won’t ever forgive his actions, their fights, the way Luhan hurt Sehun, and their friendship overall just won’t work?

       Sehun finds himself in the same situation that Luhan was in, and the expectant stare raking over him doesn’t help. His throat dries up, he starts blinking rapidly - he doesn’t know what to say. He needs to flee. Now.

      He can’t do it without looking like a fool. But there’s no other way. He can’t say anything, there’s no proper response. So he jumps off the bed and sweeps across the room, evading Luhan and his damn confessions.

Dancing will usually take things off Sehun’s mind. He grabs Yixing and they both go to a practice room, where they decide to dance to MAMA for a change. He gets lost in the flowy choreography and they only stop twice for water and to switch the song. Yixing, who’s sitting on the bench while Sehun does the part of the choreography he did with BoA, looks at him funny a couple times. Sehun doesn’t mind, but they go through five or six songs and then they sit down to catch their breath.

     Yixing throws him his water bottle and a fresh towel. “What made you decide to come here with me?” He sounds like he's been wanting to ask me this whole time.

    Sehun uncaps the bottle and drinks almost half of it before setting it down and wiping his forehead. “Problems,” he breathes. “Had to get away from them.”

     “Do you want to talk about it?” suggests Yixing gently. Sehun smiles. He loves Yixing for how soft he is. Unlike Luhan, he never gets angry too much. When he’s upset with someone, he prefers to talk it out without raised voices.

      Sehun looks down at the floor and traces a stick figure in the dust. “Not really all of it… I’ll just tell you that Luhan’s harassing me. Physically and verbally. Minseok’s involved somewhere, but I don’t exactly know where. There’s kind of a triangle between us, and Minseok and I are receiving different vibes from Luhan. I don’t know what to think anymore.”

      Yixing leans back against the wall and his head, saying, “Well, Luhan’s always been a little late in things. It seems like he’s involving himself in something about both of you when he should only be involved in one.”

      Sehun pulls his lips into a pout. Not really, but Yixing is close.

“Luhan’s always been indecisive.” Sehun looks to his right to see Yixing smiling at him. “Don’t worry, Luhan starts out on the wrong foot but then he straightens himself out again. Being discouraged isn’t the right thing to do right now.”

     "You sound like you know Luhan really well," says Sehun, picking at his nail. Something tugs in his chest.

      Yixing runs his finger over the wooden bench and replies a bit slowly. "I've roomed with him before, and we spent a lot of time together when he wasn't with Minseok. I know a lot about him. Luhan's a very stubborn person, and he can get violent and aggressive, but he's got a warm, uh, how do you say it--"

     "Heart? Soul? Warm person overall?" suggests Sehun, a grin forming on his lips.

Yixing sheepishly laughs. "Sorry. I forget sometimes. I'm still fluent, though," he says indignantly.

   "Of course you're not, hyung," teases Sehun. "You're terrible at Korean."

Soon they're giggling and mocking each other. Yixing reminds Sehun of the time that he tried to learn Chinese to communicate with EXO-M better and ended up saying things like, "Hey, how is the lettuce today?" and "Your feet taste good." Sehun retaliates by saying that Yixing still forgets how to introduce himself onstage. When they both fall into silence after wearing themselves out, Sehun closes his eyes and wipes his cheeks with the towel again. Yixing sighs and then stands up.

     "Don't lose hope about this," he says encouragingly. "Try approaching Luhan again when he's in one of his calmer moods. You'll work it out, I promise."

    "Thanks for healing my heart, unicorn," Sehun jokes, referencing Yixing’s old MAMA powers and his reputation as the unicorn. He lifts his chin and gives the Chinese man a small smile.

     Yixing chuckles. "Anytime, maknae." He bends down and ruffles Sehun's hair before walking over to the door. Before he departs he calls over his shoulder, "I'll see you at home, okay?"

   "Okay," responds Sehun, waving, even though Yixing can't see him. The door closes, and Sehun sits there for a couple of moments, trying to gather up enough courage to go back and talk to Luhan again. He swallows and unsteadily gets to his feet, walking over to his iPod that's plugged into the stereo. The lockscreen is him and Luhan taking a picture of themselves. The picture's old, but it still reminds him of when Luhan was on good terms with him. It makes him nostalgic, but he scolds himself. It's babyish to think like that.

     Sehun decides that he can do one more song before he leaves. He unlocks his iPod and scrolls through the list of songs until he finds the appropriate one. He sighs, rolling his shoulders to loosen them up, and taps on the song.. Jongin isn't the only one who knows the little bit of choreography to Baby, Don't Cry.

When Sehun goes back into the room, Luhan isn't even there. Only Kyungsoo and their manager are present, plus Jongin. He doesn't know what Jongin's reasons are for being there except snuggle with Kyungsoo. He swears he didn't see anything.

     When they turn out the lights, Sehun snatches a flashlight from the drawer and continues to read like that. Luhan's still not here, though. Funny.

    Sehun's been reading for only five minutes when the door opens. Sehun heart skips a beat and he flashes his light towards the door. He relaxes when he recognizes Luhan's face. But it's stained with tears and his eyes are puffy.

   Luhan freezes in his tracks when he sees the light on him. His face crumples and he hiccups, shielding his eyes with his arm. Sehun bites his lip and slowly lowers the light. Waiting for Luhan to look up, he lifts his covers and beckons. He knows Luhan hasn't been good to him, but he feels obliged to console him.

   Luhan takes refuge under Sehun's blanket only seconds afterwards, crying into Sehun's bottom sheet and hunching his shoulders. Sehun doesn't ask what's wrong. He understands that asking the wrong questions will only make Luhan mad, so he keeps quiet and puts an arm around Luhan's torso, patting his head. Luhan's sobs taper off a few minutes later, but he's still shuddering.

    Sehun pushes his nose into Luhan's hair and sighs. Luhan's soft locks smell like almonds and vanilla, he realizes. What shampoo does he even use?

   They don't speak for a long time. Luhan calms down and his breathing becomes even and deep instead of choppy. Sehun's starting to think that Luhan's asleep, but the older boy turns to face him, shifting under the covers. He looks Sehun deep in the eyes, and Sehun uneasily thinks that Luhan may be scrutinizing him.

    "Thanks," murmurs Luhan.

Sehun's mouth twitches. He can't really say anything to that.

   "Do you know that I hate making decisions?" continues Luhan breathily, eyes closing. "I've broken down."

   "Why do you say things like that?" snaps Sehun.

"It's true."

   "I’ll have you know that you're being awful to me," says Sehun. "I don't know what to do around you anymore, because I don't know what reaction you'll have. You need to make up your mind about Minseok. You reject him, or you return his feelings, I don't care. You just need to do something and stop taking it out on me. I used to respect you, Luhan. I really did. But now I just feel like a burden and something you use to get all your anger out. The only reason I still care for you is--" Sehun breaks off. He doesn't say anything more.

    Luhan merely chuckles sleepily, like Sehun didn't just go on a rant and accuse him. "Sehun, honestly..."

    Sehun almost stops breathing, because Luhan looks beautiful in this light.

"Would I ever be one of your impossible choices?" whispers Luhan, eyes still closed. "A dream you chase after, but can never capture?"

     "But you're not impossible, damnit. You're right here and I'm holding you and I could be yours if you really wanted--" The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, but it doesn’t matter. Luhan is fast asleep.

    Sehun is about ready to cry in frustration.

It’s too awkward between them, days later. Sehun, again, does nothing but ignore Luhan, and Luhan grows restless. Either he’s hurt by Sehun’s actions, or he doesn’t have anyone to get mad at. Sehun hopes that it’s neither and that Luhan just has a serious case of bottled up energy.

   Sehun can’t tell if it was a straight out confession, but it seemed too subtle. After all, Luhan never said Sehun was a choice.

He just hinted.

   But that’s not the same thing, right?

Right.

    Sehun growls and kicks the table. He shakes his head as if to clear it, and Minseok looks at him strangely. It’s just them sitting at the coffee table, bored out of their minds. Sehun really doesn’t want this to lead to a one-on-one discussion about Luhan. Minseok seems to know everything about Luhan. No wonder they want to room together. They act like they’ve been living with each other for more than a generation.

     “You’re acting like a dog,” remarks Minseok in amusement.

Sehun grunts, looking at Monggu lying in the corner. “Don’t compare me to that animal. Jongin’s dogs are insane.”

   “Don’t insult them.”

“Jongin’s dogs are weird; they keep grudges. They hate me.”

   “That’s because you ignore them!” Minseok knocks the side of Sehun’s head. “Those sweet creatures deserve some love. You deny them of it.”

    Sehun looks at him, and then he thinks that he should be angry with Minseok because he’s the one who causes Luhan’s reactions to Sehun. But, then again, Minseok can’t really help that he’s crushing on Luhan. Luhan is the definition of perfect. Take away the bad moods and you have an angel on your hands.

       “Sehun…” Minseok scratches down on the table with his nails. “I wanted to talk to you about something--”

  Here we go.

“Is it about Luhan?” Sehun interrupts right away.

    Minseok reluctantly nods. “I feel like he’s--”

Sehun cringes. “I- I’m sorry, Minseok hyung. I can’t really talk about him right now, especially to you.”

  “What? Why?” says Minseok, taken aback. Sehun looks at him for a long time.

“He has to make a decision,” Sehun says finally. “He needs to make up his mind about what path he wants to take. He can’t be stuck… on choices. Pressuring Luhan into things is not going to help. Being intimate with him is not the answer.” Minseok’s gaping now, probably wondering how Sehun knows all this.

     “That’ll only make him advance onto me, and sometimes it’s not a good thing. Some things he does… I don’t want to experience it again. Not until he’s sure. And I think we both know what I’m trying to say.” Sehun smiles at him sympathetically. “I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but this is as far as I want to go on the topic of Luhan."

      Then Sehun stands up and departs from the room, leaving Minseok at the table with a downcast look on his face. He doesn't want to tell Minseok like that. Not really.

       Later the coordinators are putting make-up on them, preparing the group for a performance, and Minseok leans over to Sehun, tapping the younger boy on the shoulder. Sehun looks at him questioningly.

      "I guess I should thank you for earlier," Minseok whispers directly into Sehun's ear, looking grudgingly grateful. "I might have been pushing him, and, you're right, he is kind of independent. He hates being pressured or influenced by other people. I just needed a reminder." He looks like he could be cracking a smile.

    Sehun sends a quick nod back and something that is more like a grimace, because he can't help but feel that when he talked to Minseok, he started to encourage him instead of steer him in the right direction. He's uneasy.

       Minseok notices that Sehun's kind of on edge, and asks if he's okay. Sehun says he is and it's just that he's nervous for the performance. It's not entirely a lie. For reasons unknown by him, his stomach is jumping and he's getting dizzy from trepidation.

    But he doesn't think it's because of the performance.

Attending the Idol Olympics Championship means that you don’t have to do stages for a day or two (much to Baekhyun’s satisfaction). But for Sehun, it means Luhan problems five thousand times an hour. Well, that’s what it usually means.

   This time, Luhan hardly approaches him at all. Sehun hangs out with Zitao and Jongin and himself most of the time, playing with the fans to cool down his face and sitting cross-legged on the grass, feeling sleepy and lonely.

    When he runs the race, he feels sluggish and disheveled. It’s a wonder how he wins in second, anyway. The first thing he wants to do is flop down and enjoy the lack of company. Not really.

    He doesn’t get any hugs from anyone. Okay, maybe one or two hugs from Jongin, but Jongin has the tendency to sit alone somewhere and look at nothing. But what he really has a problem with is Luhan.

    As much as Sehun is trying to stay away from Luhan, the way he goes unnoticed makes him a bit grumpy. Sehun starts to count every time Minseok and Luhan are together. The outcome isn’t positive.

    Sehun whines and flops face forwards on the grass. Wu Fan looks at him and snorts, nudging the boy splayed out on the grass. “Oi. Stop being so lazy.”

    Sehun closes his eyes instead with a slight growl. Leave me alone.

“Then at least give me that fan, if you’re not using it.”

   Sehun gives a grunt of consent, then he slips into a darker world, half-asleep.

When he’s jerked out of the small nook in his mind, he’s even more depressed than he was before. He tries not to show it, so the fans won’t see him so discouraged, and settles with a face with no expression. It’s what he’s best at, anyway.

    He tries not to look at Minseok and Luhan too much. It distracts him. When Luhan approaches (which is only twice, mind you), he tries to be as vague as possible. When Baekhyun tells him to hold the umbrella over Luhan (why do they have umbrellas, anyway, it’s not even raining), too, Sehun feels compelled to do so, but he doesn’t reveal everything. He brushes it off, or at least attempts to, when he sees Luhan and Minseok playing and hugging and god, they even look perfect together.

    Get it together, man, Sehun tells himself angrily.

Sehun honestly can’t make head or tail of why Luhan isn’t just saying, “What the heck, Minseok’s a great candidate,” because Minseok is. That’s the entire point.

       Sehun’s really glad when Field Day is over. Haha. Field Day. Sehun had so much fun.

At night, he kicks off his covers again and throws his arm over the side, completely ready to pass out. He’s almost about to fall asleep when Luhan takes a hold of his fingers and squeezes them before he gets up and exits the room.

    The handclasp was a placating gesture, but Sehun can’t swallow down the hurt that’s rising up inside his chest. Because when Luhan doesn’t come back, Sehun knows where he went. It’s obvious enough.

    Sehun rolls around and stuffs his head in his pillow. He knows that there’s a huge EXO fanbase around the world, but right now he just feels straight out unloved anyway, hands-down.

Baekhyun becomes happier after the Idol Olympics, and he doesn’t complain anymore. That undeniably makes it easier for the rest of EXO, as Baekhyun’s anger issues dampen everyone’s moods. Voice practice time decreases, because they’ve been singing the same melody for a month and they only need so long to warm up.  Jongdae’s already great at it. One day after practicing he slings an arm over Sehun’s shouder and says haughtily, “Did you see what I did?”

    Sehun just looks at him dismally.

Jongdae laughs smugly. “That’s how you sing, Sehun. That’s how you become a pro. The pro. Don’t lose hope, kid. Keep trying.” He pats Sehun on the back and walks away.

    Sehun purposely doesn’t talk to him after that.

Luhan is in and out most of the time. Sehun will only catch him two times out of five, and even then he doesn’t have anything to talk about. Minseok and Luhan will be together twenty-four seven, and that’s the end of it. Bottom line. Boom. Bang. Dang. Meeting adjourned.

     It’s like they’re connected at the hip.

It seems like it’s countless times a day that Sehun will think, You have got to be ting me. Luhan will be nowhere to be found when he actually has a legitimate reason to request to see the guy, and when he is found, everyone nods, like, Ohhh, so that’s where you were. How is Minseok, anyway?

        Minseok’s ecstatic, anyway. Luhan is basically the light of Minseok’s life. His smile gets ten times brighter whenever Luhan is around. Luhan is equally enthusiastic around the boy, and Sehun has to grit his teeth whenever they have their little “displays of affection” to prevent himself from screaming. He doesn’t know why it makes him so angry. Luhan’s actions in the past few weeks have probably had an influence on him. Made him think that he is first priority on Luhan’s list. Apparently not.

   That’s life, Sehun will tell himself after an hour of moping around. You can’t be disappointed.That’s the way it’s going to be between me and Luhan from now on.

   Well, sort of.

When it’s Sehun and Luhan’s turn to do the dishes, they do it in silence for a lot of the time. Sehun’s painfully aware of everything, even their arms brushing. Luhan’s small blush when they bump into each other. Sehun hurriedly turns away, not wanting to meet his eyes.

      Sehun’s towel drying the last plate when Luhan hugs him. Sehun freezes in his tracks. It was only this morning when they had another one of their mild, two minute fights. What is Luhan doing? Does he even care about what Sehun is having to endure?

        “You’re playing with my mind again,” whispers Sehun. “Stop.” He tries to sound stern, but it comes out shaky.

Luhan refuses to let go. “I’m sorry. I wanted you to bear with me while I try to figure this out. Figuring it out just made it harder for you, didn’t it?”

     “You didn’t figure anything out,” Sehun mumbles. His face is growing hot.

Luhan shakes his head sadly. “I don’t know, Sehun. I don’t know.” He eases himself away slowly, like he’s afraid to let his arms unloop from around Sehun’s waist.

   “I don’t even like you,” declares Sehun.

Luhan touches Sehun’s face softly with a finger, and chuckles when Sehun flinches away. “You’re so childish. You didn’t even say that with clarity.”

      “No,” Sehun moans. “It’s not even normal for us to joke around anymore, because you changed everything about us. Why’d you pick fights with me every day? And then you kissed me, and then you ceased to pick fights, and then you ignored me, and now your temper is almost as bad as it was before with me, but you keep disappearing with Minseok, and this is the stupidest cycle ever. Why won’t you fix it?” He didn’t mean to mention when Luhan kissed him (it’s still a touchy subject between them), but it slipped out anyway.

       Luhan’s looking pained. “You know that I--” He breaks off and they both look towards the door as Minseok enters. He looks like he’s trying to keep his emotions down.

   “You what?” hisses Sehun, punching Luhan harshly in the shoulder.

       “Weren’t you guys supposed to be done a long time ago?” asks Minseok, tone slightly agitated. He takes Luhan’s hand and pulls the younger guy towards him. Luhan flushes as their shoulders bump. He avoids Sehun’s gaze.

      “Not too long ago,” says Sehun, biting his lip. He knows this is the part when Minseok is supposed to swish Luhan away, and Sehun will be jealous. Well, come on, Minseok. Do it. Take him away from me. See if I care.

       Minseok purses his lips, fingers intertwining with Luhan’s. If one day he ever comes to tell this story to future kids or something, he will have to reiterate that Luhan and Minseok are the epitome of a couple. They just fit each other.

      “We should go to bed now,” he says shortly, leading Luhan out the door.

Hold on. Luhan and him aren’t done talking. Sehun jumps to intercept them, blocking their way. “Have you forgotten that Luhan is my roommate, as well as Kyungsoo’s?”

    Minseok looks at him, genuinely surprised, and says, “Oh, you haven’t noticed? Luhan sleeps with us now.”

    Sehun blinks. Minseok’s right, he hasn’t noticed. He usually falls asleep before Luhan even gets in the room. If he ever gets in the room. He glances at Luhan, silently begging for an explanation. Luhan’s gaze remains focused on the ground.

     Why has Minseok become so skilled at this? Just taking Luhan, like Luhan belonged to him and him only? Did Sehun give him too much confidence? With Minseok not pressing Luhan to answer his question and only spending time with him to make Luhan feel comfortable, Luhan is opening up to Minseok.

       “What - who’s--?” croaks Sehun.

“My bed,” interrupts Minseok. He slips past Sehun, dragging Luhan with him. Sehun’s not looking at them. He doesn’t want to see Luhan’s retreating back.

      Because Sehun does care.

Sehun’s fed up with them not talking. He doesn’t want to be a coward and hide from Luhan for the rest of his life. So as soon as he gets a chance (which is, like, two days later) he decides to confront Luhan.

    “We need to talk,” he says to Luhan, catching the older boy by the sleeve in the hallway.

Luhan gives him a long look, and then says something that sounds like “Okay” but is hardly audible anyway, so Sehun doesn’t dwell on it.

    Luhan locks them in their room, which Sehun doesn’t really think is a good idea because he’s seen the things Luhan can do when he gets overwhelmed, but he goes along with it for now. Luhan doesn’t sit down or anything, he just stands there and scrutinizes Sehun, waiting for him to speak. This makes Sehun extremely uncomfortable, so he doesn’t speak.

    “We need to talk,” says Luhan slowly, putting emphasis on the words so it’s in a questioning manner, like, Hello? You alive up there?

     Sehun puts his hands behind his back and leans back against the wall, looking anywhere but at Luhan. “Yeah. We do.”

     Luhan finally understands that Sehun doesn’t want to make the first move, initiate the start of their conversation, and takes things a step forward. “Is it about how I switched rooms?” He doesn’t sound guilty or ashamed of it.

     Sehun nods silently.

“Well.” Luhan clicks his tongue and crosses his arms in front of his chest. “You know when I said that you were clingy?”

    Please, please, if you have any feelings, don’t tell me that again. I don’t need to hear it. Don’t confuse me again.

    “That’s not actually the reason I wanted to switch rooms with you, but…”

Wanted? Past tense?

    “I don’t know what your expectations are of me anymore. I know what Minseok wants, what he expects, and I’m really comfortable with him. He’s been my best friend for so long, if we could be beyond friends… the idea is plausible.”

   “It makes no sense,” Sehun mutters under his breath.

“It doesn’t make sense? Here, I’ll make it easier.” Luhan steps closer. Sehun’s already in defensive mode, putting his hands up. “I won’t hurt you, Sehun, but I need you to understand that this--” he gestures around the room-- “keeping us in here isn’t a good idea. Trying to get me alone isn’t a good idea. This may seem like a test, but why do you try?”

      Sehun stays mute. Why does he try?

“I can’t control myself,” explains Luhan patiently. “You keep pushing at my frustrations and just making them bigger. You always say that we’re going in circles and, yes, it’s true. Because you’re an impossible choice. I… can I even have you?”

   “Impossible choice,” mutters Sehun. “You keep saying that. You aren’t making anything easier, Luhan. I still don’t understand.”

      “Okay, then. I’ll simplify.” Luhan puffs out his cheeks and exhales. “You’ve been under this stress for a long time, you should know.”

    Sehun sputters, “You think?”

“It’s not funny,” snaps Luhan. “You want to know? Goddamnit, I like you. I like you a lot. But Minseok is interfering. I have a lot of weaknesses, but the ones that affect me the most are loyalty and independence. I think I can fix this by myself. I don’t want to hurt him, so I’m trying to force myself to fall in love with him. It’s not working. Because you’re still there, and I hate it, and I just want to release everything and I just want to kiss you every ing minute and oh my God.” By now he’s trapped Sehun against the wall and Sehun’s trembling. “I fight with you because I want you to stop, go away, because your interventions are completely uncalled for but they’re not even your fault. Minseok’s there to comfort me and I just feel so comfortable around him and you make me feel so angry because you’re resisting me. Do you know how that feels?”

     Sehun can’t answer. He is physically incapable of responding because shock has his jaw locked in place. Luhan is terrifying.

     “Sehun,” Luhan says sharply. “Please don’t tell me I poured out my heart to you and you didn’t even listen.”

    Sehun’s mouth opens slowly. “I… listened.”

Luhan looks scared.

    “No,” Sehun manages. “No. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.” He glances at Luhan. His surprise dissipates, and it’s slowly replaced by anger. “You made my life a living hell, Luhan. You mean to tell me that you did this because of a simple reason like this? You expect me to forgive you so easily?” His vision blurs with tears.

     “Is this a rejection?” murmurs Luhan.

Sehun shakes his head, holding back the salty droplets threatening to fall. “I… I don’t know what to think. I wasn’t anticipating something like this.”

     He doesn’t know if it’s just his disorientation, or if Luhan’s actually trying to kiss him, but he blushes and ducks away. “Please,” he whispers, and pushes Luhan away. He unlocks the door and runs out. Luhan doesn’t call back for him.

     The first thing Sehun does is grab a baseball cap, get on his bike, and start pedaling as fast as he can. The air rushes around him, and he sighs. He lets the tears fall on their own. He doesn’t really care about sasaengs right now, but he keeps his head low just in case.

    His sense of direction is totally off, but he doesn’t care where he’s going. His thoughts are too crowded with Luhan Luhan Luhan, and if they don’t stop, he’s probably going to go insane.

    Luhan wanted to know if Sehun will ever return his feelings.

Just because he’s Luhan, thinks Sehun miserably, probably.

When Sehun comes home it's a lot later. Jongin is with him. He called Jongin to join him out in town, and the company was a good distraction from the stress Luhan placed on him. Sehun is less depressed.

   Jongin has a protective arm around Sehun’s waist, glaring at anyone who tries to get too close. Sehun understands his want to shield Sehun from further pain, but Sehun gently tells him it’s okay. Jongin still sits with him at dinner, though.

       Sehun doesn’t cry anymore after that, but he waits up to see if Luhan leaves. He’s relieved to find out that this time, Luhan stays. Minseok doesn’t come fetch him, so the whole night he’s aware of Luhan’s presence.

   Sehun doesn’t get to sleep for a long time. His brain is wired and his eyes are wide open. He can’t help but remember how much he enjoyed Luhan’s lips on his own. Luhan envelops him in a bubble of pure warmth. Luhan will always make him feel jittery, and nervous, and Sehun just adores him so much. For the longest time Luhan was like an older brother. But then the Chinese boy slowly became so much closer to Sehun. Sehun can’t really go anywhere without missing him, if only just a bit, when he’s not around. It always makes Sehun sigh when Luhan puts Minseok first. Sehun doesn’t know how to identify it. He’s never actually thought about being in love with Luhan, but he hates thinking. Being technical about things like this isn’t really a stronger point of his. Every time he tries to analyze his feelings for Luhan, he gets panicked and he’ll scrunch up the sheet in his fist. He won’t think about it, he won’t.

      I’m so mad, he groans to himself.

Twisting violently in his bed, he kicks off his covers and sends them to the floor. He props up the pillow and sits on his back, squirming. His gaze wanders to the window.

     The moon, half-full, gleams mockingly at him. The moon is such an optimist, he thinks.

    Don’t you love Luhan?

No, he screams at it. Of course I don’t.

 You’re so childish. You didn’t even say that with clarity.

Sehun remembers Luhan’s soft sigh as he said that, his fingers on Sehun’s cheek. How it made Sehun have such a reaction. Luhan’s touch is so graceful and light and it makes Sehun shiver. How would it feel to have those hands gripping his waist? he wonders.

    No. I shouldn’t be thinking that. Luhan will never be able to hold me like that. Aren’t I an impossible choice?

    The moon seems to wink at him. Son, think again.

Shut up, he says to it.

     But it’s persistent. Remember what Minseok said about Luhan’s traits. Remember Luhan’s independence.

   This time, Sehun’s argument with the moon cuts short. It suddenly dawns on him that Luhan is really independent. Minseok wasn’t lying. He remembers Luhan’s words clearly.

   “I have a lot of weaknesses, but the ones that affect me the most are loyalty and independence. I think I can fix this by myself.”

   Luhan does think he can fix everything himself. And by counting Sehun and Minseok as impossible choices, isn’t that the most simple, straightforward answer? Not wanting to hurt Minseok by choosing Sehun, Luhan crossed them both out on the list. But that’s not the answer. That’ll just cause more pain for both of them. Luhan’s seemingly genius plan has so many flaws, even Luhan’s realized them by now.

    Impulsiveness. That’s Luhan’s key element. “Impulsive” basically sums up Luhan’s entire personality. Even the independence relies on his impulsiveness.

     Well, Sehun decides to take a leaf out of Luhan’s book. Impulsive is my middle name, he declares to himself confidently, and swiftly slides off the bed. He picks up his covers and quietly places them on his bed before setting one knee down on Luhan’s, clambering on clumsily with a racing heart.

     Luhan feels it and mumbles, “What?” He opens one eye.

Sehun doesn’t want to back out now. Pushing his “impulsiveness”, which is slowly dwindling down to nothing, ahead of his fears, he whispers, “Sorry,” when he straddles the older boy.

    Luhan’s looking extremely confused, and is about to say something when Sehun kisses him anyway, expressing all of his frustration and confusion and anger and desperation into it. His fingers knead at Luhan’s shoulder nervously, because what if Luhan resists?

    That’s stupid, he tells himself. Isn’t Luhan the one who confessed?

He didn’t have much to worry about, anyway. Luhan kisses him back with just as much enthusiasm before pushing him away to murmur in his ear. “You’re so slow.”

   Sehun almost would have laughed, but the tables have turned, and now Luhan’s kissing him fiercely and Sehun melts into his embrace because god, he loves Luhan so much and he didn’t even know it.

  Unfortunately, Sehun still doesn’t get much sleep.

a/n:

comments would be wonderful <33

I apologize if you spot any typos! I don't have much computer time so if I find any I'll correct them tomorrow.

Will probably put up the last part tomorrow or the day after that. 

love from Kika~