Activities and promotions had them wanting to burst out crying for the unstoppable pressure. 

Life as a rookie group was as hard as they expected it to be, except unimaginable things still managed to shock them in ways they never thought possible. 

Sasaeng fans became a nightmare in a matter of weeks, leading the twelve boys to face the painful existence of people in their lives who would have done horrible things just to snap a photo of them. Adjusting to it was harder than anything else.

Jongin faced the problem with all the maturity he could afford, trying to sympathize with the enemy as much as he could because they had always been told this was part of the story after all, and this story also brought happiness and satisfaction in their lives. 

Jongin could now buy Yeonsu things, could easily pay the house rent, the school, the cloths, the books. Everything that had them struggling in the past started to feel easy and daily, just as Jongin had always wished it to be since the day Yeonsu was born. 

What he could not easily face, was his paranoia. 

As soon as his face started to grace buildings, bus stations, stores, objects of any kind, he started frightening something that he actually never panicked about, stupidly.

He imagine his deepest secret suddenly and unexplainable thrown on everyone's face. He imagined the scandal of EXO's Kim Jongin, a.k.a Kai being a teen-dad and a liar to his own daughter and bandmates.

He soon started to have nightmares every night. Every night he imagined this coming, every night his life ended more miserably. And with his own life, the lives of his bandmates who believed and trusted in him, together with his company, his seniors, his fans, Yeonsu. Everyone would be beat down by his awful lie, the lie he had been telling since forever, the lie that hide the truth in the deepest spot of his heart. 

The lie he also had told Luhan. 

He woke up one night, sweaty and barely able to breathe, harsher than usual, and Kyungsoo immediately rushed to his bed, turning the light on.

His roommates had gotten used to it quickly, and it made his heart and mind growing concerned over Jongin's conditions. His nightmares were not a secret in the EXO-K's dorm, but now that the EXO-M were off to China, the other six boys were still oblivious to the sad fact. 

"Jongin, stop." Kyungso whispered, Sehun immediately entering the room as he heard his hyung's scream from the kitchen "It's over now." 

Jongin kept his head down, not facing either of the two. He collected his breath silently.

"Do you want me to prepare something to you?" 

He shook his head, eyes still down but Kyungsoo moved out the room anyway, heading towards the kitchen to make him some tea. 

Sehun sat on his bed then, trying to have Jongin look at him. "You make me worry so much. Luhan-hyung would be worried too, if he saw you like this."

Jongin shivered at the mentioned name, fists forming. "Please, don't ever say anything, Sehun."

"Why?" the maknae frowned, serious "He is your best friend."

Jongin's heart panicked. Yes, Luhan was his best friends. Actually, Jongin was firmly convinced Luhan was a lot more than that. Sometimes he was a reliable bandmate, some others a best friends, some others a brother. Sometimes, he was more like his lover. 

The thought punched Jongin hard and it was like receiving cold water directly in the face.

Luhan,who felt like his everything. Luhan, who was oblivious to his awful lie.

Jongin thought of how horrible it was that such painful secrets could exist between two people who loved each other so much.

How would Luhan feel if he ever found out about it? Would the boy feel betrayed, impotent, angry?

In a blink, everything he and Luhan had always shared exploded inside his heart, his mind going blank, like a painting fallen into a river that would wash away the colors from the white canvas. 

He closed his eyes and imagined Luhan's deep, beautiful eyes looking at him with the love and care he didn't deserve.

Something inside him broke. 

--

Jongin was never the same again for a long time.

He had become quiet, distant, from everything and everyone outside his little daughter. 

He did not care about anything anymore; his room's condition, his health. All he did care about was work, practice, singing, faking smiles and pretending everything was okay. 

The EXO-M boys had been away for long now and Jongin had been completely okay with that, because he didn't really want to see Luhan or have him near. The only image of the older's sweet eyes sending him worried looks made his heart break.

EXO-K's boys, though, had been facing his conditions with worry, and still none of them had found a reasonable answer to the question 'Why has he become like this from one day to another?' yet.

Jongin had become a workaholic, even more than before, at the point that he was about to become alarming. He did not take part happily at none of the activities the six of them would have at home and his face had gotten impossible to read. 

Everyone was worried, and Jongin couldn't stop. 

Kyungsoo shared the most horrible moments of his nightmares with him silently, caring, worried, but in the morning, when everything finished and words between them became awkward and awkward every second because Jongin would never talk and Kyungsoo could not understand, their relationship would become stressful.

The gravity of the situation started showing when Jongin ignored all of the texts and calls Luhan sent him. One day he was resting on his bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find a comfortable position. Kyungsoo sent him a pissed look from his own bed, where he was studying the lyrics of a song. 

Sehun entered the room noisily while holding Kyungsoo's phone and chatting happily. "Yes hyung, I understand. I won't mess up Kyungsoo's hyung's closet again."

Sehun winked to himself and Kyungsoo glared at him, "Come back soon, hyung. I miss our bubble tea hanging out! Xiao Lu, Wo Ai Ni." 

The group's maknae handed the phone back to his owner and rushed out the room when a pillow got thrown at him. 

"Hyung," Kyungsoo spoke then, adjusting himself back on the bed and sending  a quick glance towards an apparently uninterested Jongin "Yes, I am fine thank you. What about you? How's it to speak Chinese comfortably again? Ah, I see. Yes, I miss you a lot also."

He took a pause when Luhan asked him about Jongin from the other line. "I don't know why he is not answering," he said, speaking louder to make sure Jongin could hear "I don't know hyung, I don't see him using his phone often. He is sleeping now. Sure, I'll ask him. No, no, we are fine, MAMA has been doing great. Really? Impressive. What? Any news? No, Baekhyun is always an idiot and Chanyeol still drools over him. Junmyeon-hyung teases me, Sehun is spoiled as hell. Jongin-hyung? He works really hard. Why would you worry, he is here with us. Yes, go ahead. Thank you for calling hyung, I love you." 

Jongin had heard everything and every word Kyungsoo spent talking about him made his heart ache. He pretended not to hear Kyungsoo walking over to his bed and did not look up at the boy staring deeply at him either, keeping on staring at the ceiling with an irritating poker face.

Kyungsoo stood there for a few seconds, pondering on how to properly throw his disappointment into Jongin's face but instead he had his arms falling by his side. 

"I was right, not trusting you. Wasn't I?"  he only says, voice low and severe, before quickly walking out the room. 

Jongin did not react, eyes still fixed on an unfocused spot. 

What did Kyungsoo expected him to do? He had seen him at nights, he had seen his pain more than anyone else and he hated that. Why was he disappointed now? 

A sudden anger took over his mind and body and Jongin couldn't hold it back. He rushed out his bed and quickly reached the dining room, when Kyungsoo had started chatting with Baekhyun quietly, and exploded. 

"Who do you think you are, to make me always feel so helpless every time?" 

His sudden, broken cry made all the boys run to when he was standing. Kyungsoo stares at him wide-eyes and scared.

"Yes, you were right. Why aren't you happy now?"

"Jongin, what-" Junmyeon tried, hesitant, but the boy didn't let him finish.

"You always cared about him so much that you never bothered thinking about me, ever!"

Kyungsoo tried to speak, but again, Jongin didn't let anyone interrupt him. 

"Why was I  so wrong to you since the start? Did you ever bothered thinking that, maybe, I had a story that made me suffer as well? That made me want to give up as well? That made me need help? His help."

Tears started falling down from his eyes and Jongin could not hold them back anymore, nor he tried to. He stared into Kyungsoo's big eyes for a last moment before running out of the dorm, ignoring his bandmates calling his name with worried voices. 

The room was silent, all of them staring at the door Jongin shouted behind him. 

"What the hell happened?" Sehun asked, terrified, glancing over Kyungsoo.

The boy didn't know what to answer as other three pairs of eyes followed Sehun's example. He ignored them all, standing up quickly to run after Jongin. 

--

Kyungsoo's attempt to clear things up with Jongin had not yielded any results if not the boy going back to the dorm after a while. 

Junmyeon was angry at Kyungsoo for having created such a complicated situation but he also had to admit Jongin's stubborn silence was at fault more than anything else. The boy refused to explain anything to anyone, for instance, the reason why he was suddenly avoiding Luhan and the reason behind his nightmares, and the leader was going crazy in his numerous attempt to solve the problem. Kyungsoo did his best to ask for s' forgiveness because yes, he had been quite rude. He was so protective over Luhan, always had been, that he could not think for a moment that maybe Jongin could need his, their protection also, and he felt sorry. Also because Jongin refused anything coming from Luhan and his hyung was worried, so he felt guilty. And because Jongin was unhappy everyday more, his nightmares never stopped. 

Everything was a mess.

His shared room with Jongin felt everyday like a prison, and the fact that they had to act happy and lovingly in front of cameras only made things worst. 

One night the short boy couldn't take of Jongin's coldness anymore and had gone to Sehun and Junmyeon's room to beg the maknae to exchange room for a night. Sehun accepted and tried to keep Jongin a nice company, eventually managing to make his hyung laugh a bit.

He was proud of himself, Jongin didn't wake up that night. 

The next day the oblivious EXO-M's members would have come back to their dorm in Korea and Sehun had begged Jongin to do his best not to hurt Luhan. 

"I don't know what happened and I won't ask if you don't want to tell me but please, don't make him suffer, hyung. I am sure he doesn't deserve it and you've already been so rude, ignoring him and such."

Jongin had to admit that yes, he had been too rude and yes, Luhan did not deserve his rudeness. Every problem originated from his secrets, and from his desire to protect Luhan from them. He did not want the boy to give his everything to a Jongin that would have lied to him forever. He had fallen deeply for Luhan, too deeply to lie in his face without restraint.

He then did the only thing that could make up for the previous horrible weeks at best. 

"Kyungsoo, sorry." he stated, flat but sincere "I should have never brought you into this. I am the only culprit." 

The big-eyed boy wade him off with a weak smile. "I did wrong, too. Let's just start over, okay?" 

Junmyeon thanked every God he knew that the torture had finally come to an end, at least during days, right before the comeback of their six friends, while Baekhyun and Chanyeol both hugged a satisfied Sehun tightly.

They all welcomed Luhan, Yixing, Kris, Tao, Jongdae and Minseok with warm and noisy screams and for over five minutes it was all about hugging. 

Jongin kept his profile low, exchanging a hi-fi with Jonghae, hugging Tao and spending a few words with Kris. Yixing hugged him tightly and Minseok smiled, cutely and caring, but also asked if anything was wrong in his ears. 

"Luhan says you have disappeared." 

He just answered he had been too busy, and the older friend frowned but said no more. 

Luhan tugged his shoulder hesitantly, his lips curving into an unsure smile when Jongin turned around to face him. 

"Jongin, I've miss you so much." 

Jongin would have wanted the boy to just exit the dorm again and go back to China, far away from his sight, from his body, because as soon as he saw him Jongin felt a strong urge to just pull Luhan inside his arm and let him stay there forever. Had he even become more beautiful? 

Luhan raised an eyebrow, concerned, at his lack of response. "Jongin, what's wrong? You look tormented." 

The boy fought over his own longings, shaking his head weakly. He mentally asked Sehun sorry for not being able to keep the promise.

"Sorry, hyung. I am a bit tired." 

His voice was deep, his smile weak and Luhan's one faded away. 

He didn't ask Jongin why he never answered him, why he never called, why he was running away from him even now. 

"You should just.. go to bed then." 

Jongin nodded, swallowing noisily.

"Goog night, hyung. Welcome back." 

Luhan's concerned eyes followed his quick movements out of the room and he later forced a smile, going back to greet all the others. 

He felt the urge to ask everyone what had been of his Jongin, but held it back.

A/N

Yeheeeee Double update!!

Chapter 8 is really short so.. I thought of bringing you chapter 9 as well! 

Oh, as you can see.. the feelings of the two chapters are also very contrasting.. what do you think?? 

Let me know <3