Blue means conversation in English~ Enjoy!

            I opened my eyes in defeat; sleep was not coming. How could I? When his touch, his voice, his face kept on haunting my restless mind. I kicked the blanket away in frustration but regretted my action the moment cold air hit me like a heavy train. I forgot to turn on the heater again.. I sighed at my forgetfulness although I was getting used to it; my lack of attentiveness to the surroundings started after that day. To clear my head, I went to take a shower. My fingernails were already blue by the time I turned off the water tap, but the cold water served as good slap of reality; waking up from the restless sleep and another meaningless day to spend.

            As I slipped into my jacket, I cringed when I caught a whiff of food smell, my stomach did not appreciate it at this kind of hour. Maybe I should wash this soon. I made myself comfortable on the bed before flipping open my laptop. Soon, the screen lit up with blue light, blinding my eyes for a second but quickly adjusted to the sole light source in the room. I squinted my eyes as I opened the email page; two bright rows that stood out amongst the bottom shaded rows. A supposedly chuckle but a weird sound escaped my dry throat after seeing the picture that showed up upon clicking the second unread mail. It was an image of a person’s dark eye bags. As usual, he greeted me with the happenings around him, occasionally complaining about the cold weather as well as his busy saloon business in the new year. However, I lingered onto the last paragraph of his email.

            ‘Back to the picture I sent you. Look! What have you done to me? All this while, exchanging emails with you at ungodly hours, my eye bags have suffered, don’t you even feel sorry for me? I swear if you keep on like this, I will come and hunt you down. This time, I’m for real. You do know; I could track you down with the IP address of your email. IU-ah, please come back now. It had been a year…At least, let me accompany you if you still have a hard time coping. Don’t isolate yourself from me or the world. You are not alone.

Always here for you, Seungho’

            I knew Seungho was desperate when he used my nickname, even though it was only the second time he mentioned about wanting me to go back. The first time was when he received the first email reply from me after three months of not contacting him. Seungho was considerate enough that he let me have time on my own. However, it seemed like he think that it was time for me to move on now, and he was not the only one. Going back to the inbox page, my movement at the mouse faltered as I pointed it to the first row; another unread mail. Before I deleted it, I shifted my gaze from the screen to the table where I remembered leaving the letter.  I already knew the email content. It was the exact copy of the letter I received a few days ago.

            ‘As one of the deceased- Miss Jung Soo Yeon’s beneficiaries, Miss Lee Ji Eun is listed in the will of the deceased under the category of assets and estates. According to the deceased’s will, Miss Lee Ji Eun’s right as a beneficiary will be legitimized after 19th birthday. However, there are still authorized papers need to be signed by the deceased’s beneficiaries to make the will valid, or else the deceased’s property will be claimed by the government. We do hope that Miss Lee will cooperate and get in touch with us as soon as possible.’

            I have not quite adjust to Red’s full name- Jung Soo Yeon. I was too used to the former one. I doubted that she even had the intention to let me know her real name. Hence, I was surprised that she mentioned me in her will. One of the beneficiaries… Sighing, I buried my face in my hands. Guilt was eating me up; I did not think that I deserve to have such prosperity. I was under her care for almost two decades, the least I could do was to give her proper funeral, yet, I was a coward- a selfish one. Leaving everything behind, I chose to escape. While, Red still taking care of me though she was in the other world.

            It was confusing but somehow natural that I missed something desperately and at the same time afraid of it. Or was it repulse? Music was like that for me. It was once a big part of me. There was not a day I did not plug earbud into my ears, fumbling with radio or record player and further callousing my fingers from playing guitar. This part of mine died along with Red and him. Since then, I went by every day with silence. Sometimes, the bird chirpings or random radio sounds at store was unbearable, but I missed it. I would find myself thinking of the same tune repeatedly, yet never singing it out loud. At most, I could only forbear listening to Seungho playing the piano; he was great at piano. I recorded the pieces he played with my phone and at such time, I would listen to them repeatedly for hours. Just like how I kept drawing his face in my mind though it pained me. Sometimes, I wondered if I was addicted to the tormenting of missing someone terribly. Oh, yes. He was just like music; I pined for him, but at the thought of him was a bitter reminder, almost repelling. He no longer exists.

❈❈❈

            For almost two hours, I had been going from store to store. I was trying to find a job because finally after a little over a year living here- Bozeman, Montanna, my savings in the account was nearing its end. I never had an actual income when finding a job was difficult.

            “Sorry girl. You seem unwell to do anyway. Don’t be a rebel and go back to your family. Study is what important for you at the moment. You’re still young and have a great future ahead.”

            Family? Future? These two words were inapplicable on me… I muttered a thank you and bowed before leaving the florist in a hurry. In fact, I did feel sick. I spotted a bench nearby and made my way to it. However, before I could sit on it, I crouched down because of the dizziness and I began to retch. Some of the passerby looked at me weirdly, but this was normal for me. Difficulty in breathing, dizziness or vomiting; they happened quite often ever since I lived in Bozeman. I supposed I never felt comfortable living here, but I persisted in staying. This town simply reminded me a particular place where I visited two summers ago which made me decided to stay. Another reason was the wolf sightings in Yellowstone National Park. It was the existence of the animal in the area that made me come here without hesitation. How ironic, I fled away from Seoul because I