Title (5/5):

The title was unique and definitely a step up from Missing You as you have mentioned in your forward. It’s pretty self-explanatory and relatable to the story. Depending on the genre readers are looking for, your title serves quite well if AFF surfers are simply looking for an angsty story to read. I thought the title was great since it really describes the relationship Ricky has with his ex, even though he has his current girlfriend. It definitely had that deep meaning behind the words. Great job with it :)

Appearance (5/5):

I really liked the overall appearance of your story. The poster and background were all great additions to the story and you maintained a consistent font throughout the story. It was neat and well-presented. I have nothing much to say for this section other than the fact that you did an awesome job with it :)

Foreward/Description (9/10):
Your description followed the lyrics of the song, Missing You by Teen Top. It was great as it gave the readers an insight as to what the story was about without revealing too much of the story. Your forward can make or break your story to the readers. In my case, it was a mutual feeling. To be honest, it was all on whether or not I wanted to feel the angst. There were days when I just did not feel like reading angst so when I read your forward, it did not get to me. But to review it based on a one time feeling isn’t fair, so I stepped aside from the story for a while and got myself to read your story after some time and I really fell for the forward. It’s great. It’s very descriptive and there is that hint of development that will be shown in the further chapters. It did its job and overall, it’s an awesome forward and description. Great job with it.

Plot/Storyline (15/20):
There were times when your plot development was awesome and then there were some parts where things became redundant and the development was a bit hindered. An example would be the very first chapter. I understand why you put it there as it is a much-needed component to the story. But the constant italicized her’s and she’s got on my nerves and I felt like this is one of those places where the storyline might be hindered. I thought the bold words in the beginning were great. It highlights his feelings for her. However, I would like to say that the redundant italicized words are not really necessary as it kind of already hints that he’s looking back in time when they were together. Plus you show how the trail of thoughts was interrupted and I think that’s enough to reveal the opening.

Other than that though, I thought the plot was pretty well presented. It was lacking a bit of emotions as the story did sound monotonous for the most part. But it also depends on the point of view. As a reader, I would say the story is very…bland. There isn’t enough emotions facilitated throughout the story and it may give the readers the wrong impression. HOWEVER, if you were really reading into the story, you would really be able to look into the eyes of the guy who just cannot get over his ex-girlfriend. If readers are willing to expand their mindset a bit further, they would see why this story may not have the emotions they would like to see. It’s because as a guy who still can’t get over his ex-girlfriend, there is no emotions for anything else. He only feels strongly for her. No one else. If I’m understanding this correctly, in his mindset, there is no real emotions that are kindled since he’s still living in the past. As a guy who can’t get over his past girlfriend, his emotions, his feelings, are hindered like thus. I thought it was great overall. The lack of emotions actually made me think further into the story. However, as I have said before, many readers may not open up as much to the story, and may see the story as bland and monotonous.

Character Development (26/30):
I thought the idea of having the story in Ricky’s POV was great. It’s actually pretty unique since most stories actually focus on the OC’s POV and may occasionally switch POVs. But you maintained a straight perspective into Ricky’s mind and successfully followed through with it. You really dived into Ricky’s character, making him pretty well-rounded in his confusion between the past and the present. What he wants (Aeri) versus what he has in front of him (Hyun Ae). As the story progresses, we see that insight into Hyun Ae. This is as Ricky realizes that Hyun Ae actually exists. Not as the Aeri he wants her to be, but as Hyun Ae. I thought you did a fairly good job in hinting her existence in him, but that he hasn’t realized that Hyun Ae was really Hyun Ae. He was so focused on making her into Aeri, that he just forgot HyunAe as a person. That is, until the whole incident occurred with her checking his phone and her answering his calls. Though Aeri does not physically appear except for that brief moment at the store, you did a good job in bringing out his emotions for her when she did make an appearance. The story in general focused on Ricky and thus the development revolved around him, but in the overall sense, I thought you did a pretty good job in making each character well-rounded :)

Use of Language / Mechanics (17/20):

Your grammar and spelling was almost near perfect. There is a couple that I mentioned below and possibly some similarities to it, but there wasn’t anything really all that BIG of errors that caused any distraction. Also, your grammar improved as the story progressed so that’s always really good to see. All in all, I didn’t have much to say about the mechanics of your writing. However, there are a couple things that I have noticed. As you have heard me say a thousand times now (I’m so sorry, don’t kill me), it feels as though something is missing. I think it’s because you tend to write in a very straightforward manner. It’s not a bad thing, but here and there try to be a bit more descriptive, giving the readers a bit more imagery into Ricky’s feelings and insights. Again, I saw this part improving as the story progressed as well. It’s great to see you utilize and expand into the descriptive language as it shows that you are becoming a better writer with time. Great job overall :)

THINGS IN BOLD NEED ATTENTION

THINGS IN RED ARE THINGS I CHANGED

Comma Placement

Ch. 1

* She, who was halfway up, sank back to her seat in surprise. [In this case, the phrase, who was halfway up, is merely added information, otherwise known as parenthetical elements in the grammatical world. The sentence would do fine with or without that phrase, so a comma is needed to show that separation.]

Ch. 2

* I looked up from the ice cream cup in my hand and fixated my eyes on her, who sat beside me. Our eyes didn’t meet, however, since hers were on her own cup in her hands. [I took out the comma that came after hand since the next part after the comma wasn’t introducing any new ideas but was simply an extension of the sentence. You would use a comma if the next part was basically another sentence put together in a single sentence. In this case, it’s not really bringing in any new sentences, thus a comma is unnecessary. I did add a comma before however (and after…but you already did that on your own). This is because the however is interrupting the flow of that sentence, basically the sentence would do fine with or without the however there.]

Parallel Sentence Structures

Ch. 1

She who looked the most gorgeous when she had dark brown, long and wavy hair.

She who would impatiently tap the digital clock on the car dashboard as a sign that we were already late for the event that we were attending.

She who had a gifted talent in photography. For this, she was given the latest model of DSLR by her parents as a present on her 17^th birthday, which she treasured dearly.

[In this case, I moved the last she…sentence over to join the other she…sentences. I just thought it would flow better. Also, to maintain the parallel sentences, it’s best to stick to the same sentence structures to emphasize who she was. In addition, I took the commas out as I found them unnecessary since the sentence itself is already a fragment as is, so adding a comma won’t really make too much of a difference. I have said this in the plot/storyline section, but the italicized she’s and her’s really…really…get on my nerves. There ARE times when I think the italicized words are necessary (ie: Her. Park Aeri). But not in redundant cases like this. I honestly feel like the italicized words are unnecessary except at the point where I mentioned above. ]

Rewording sentences

Ch. 3

*My eyes, on the other hand –as if understanding my body's inability to move a muscle– proceeded on their own accord, trying to take in as much details of hers her features as possible.

Flow (8/10):
The flow was fairly well done. I would say that where the plot hindered is where the flow was a bit disrupted as well. Try not being redundant with italicizing. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it could really turn readers away just with that redundancy. There were times when the story progressed a bit too quickly in the beginning, but as soon as the phone incident occurred, the flow got back on track and it was just perfect. Great job again with progressing and improving with time. I think you are doing a great job overall :)

Reader's View/Enjoyment:
In the overall view, I liked it. It had the necessary details to grasp the plot and though there were a couple places that irked me, it was enjoyable if I was able to look past that. It’s a great story and you are pretty amazing with words. I have mentioned this before, but in my point of view, I think your way of writing was just excellent. Though there were some bland parts where emotions were lacking, I feel like I could understand Ricky’s lack of words in general. This is what made the story enjoyable; looking at the world through the eyes of someone who is still getting over his past girlfriend and dealing with his current girlfriend. And you did a great job delineating it :)

Final Score: (85/100)

Additional Comments:
I don’t have much to say here. I’m pretty sure I have said enough throughout the review that you don’t want to hear it again. You are a progressing writer and I love how you improved as the story progressed. It seems like you really enjoyed writing the latter chapters than the beginning, haha. It’s fine because I tend to have more fun writing the latter chapters than the beginning. It’s hard to start a story. But as the story progresses, I feel like we all get into it. Ah, I’m rambling now, okay. Great job overall. It was an awesome story. Please don’t forget to comment after you picked up and credit the shop. If you feel that I have done a good job, please help me out and upvote this shop. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to read and review your story.