Kira’s P.O.V.

Heat…

Sweat…

Fear…

Love…

Ecstasy…

The feeling of bliss soon faded as I regained consciousness.

I first became aware of a cold feeling as the wind blew around me. Why was there wind?... Then I noticed I was laying on a very hard, solid surface, not a bed.

My eyes shot open only to be blinded by light. I squinted and pulled myself to a sitting position. Then I realized I was in that same damn park, on the same damn bench from 9 years ago.

I finally realized why I was so chilly. Not only was I on the park bench I grew up on, I was half . My dirty dress shirt from work yesterday was buttoned wrong and hanging loosely, making my s almost visible. Other than the shirt, my only other clothes were my black and white striped underwear.

Immediately, I stood up and began looking for anything I could use to cover myself with. But there was nothing.

“Damn it…” I whispered hatefully, hot tears boiling in my eyes. “She…she used me. Tricked me! She even went so far as to dump me back here!” I felt a tear slip from my eye. Was this how she viewed me? As trash? Doesn’t she know what she means to me? And last night…

When I became aware of people staring at me, I sat back down and tried to cover myself as best as I could. A nice looking Ajumma approached me very carefully, placing a jacket in my lap. “Here honey… use this. I’ll bring you some clothes if you’ll wait…” All I could do was nod as she hurriedly walked away. I laid the coat on my lap and soon after, to my relief, the crowd somewhat disappeared.

When Ajumma returned, I slipped the sweat pants on quickly and thanked her with tear filled eyes. Not only was I late for work, I was dirty, disgusting, and smelled of sweat and…

The last thought made me shiver. I took off towards my apartment in town at full speed. When I reached my door, I flung it open and collapsed on the floor in exhaustion and embarrassment. My chest heaved from running and crying so hard.

How could she just use me like that? My sweet, nice, beautiful savior… has turned into a devil. She has corrupted me. Misused me. Stolen my purity from me. Taken everything precious I had left to love! And yet I…

Again the word made me shiver. “I love you…” I whispered. “Damn it, I loved you so much!” I shouted though tears. “How could you…” I sobbed unable to finish. “How could you…”

When I managed to pick myself up off the floor, I went to my room. I discovered my bags and other clothes were on my bed. Maybe she put them there out of pity for me… or maybe Hyuna found them outside in the trash. I don’t know, and right now, I couldn’t care less. Right now, I was more concerned about making it to work and keeping a job that, chances are, I was going to lose today with my stupidity.

I searched for my phone and listened to the 9 messages from Hyuna and 2 messages from my boss. I forcefully made myself get into my uniform, and head into town.

Every place I passed reminded me of her, because we passed most of these places on the way to her place. Now that I think about it, I’m sure the reason she lead me all around town before finally arriving at her place, was so I wouldn’t be able to track her down. The bar made me feel the worst though. I cringed away and ran through the doors to our noodle shop.

“Kira! Where have you been?” Hyuna shouted as she plowed into me with a hug. “Your bags were thrown all over outside our apartment door! I was so worried…” I pushed away and gave her a weak smile. “I’m ok… I was just in a hurry last night so I dropped my things off before work at the convenience store... I figured you would get them sooner or later…” That was a horrible lie, and she knew it.

She gave me the ‘Fine. We’ll talk about it later.’ Look and walked away in frustration.

Sorry Hyuna…

After a long day at work and getting chewed by my boss, I felt… lost, alone, depressed, but mostly… betrayed. I sighed as I left the shop, late as usual. This time they stuck me with cleaning up the place thanks to my late arrival.

I felt a cold, silent tear slip from, my eye and down my cheek. “I can’t believe you would do this kind of thing…” I uttered almost inaudible. I was so exhausted, I couldn’t even hold my tears in anymore as memories flooded my head.

My hands are cold.

Dimly, the cold memories of love gather.

I know that I no longer

Want to impose my feelings on you.

By now I had reached the bar from the night before. Images flashed through my head, I could no longer keep them out, reminding me of all I hate and love... The way Amber’s skilled fingers brushed my skin, the way her lips and tongue traced my every feature, the way she smiled in response to my moans… I loved it all. And I hated her for it.

Because I realize that I cannot love you,

Even though you are so close to me,

It’s too hard for me to be waiting

For someone who cannot be mine.

I cannot endure it any longer,

Because it will never happen.

I picked up my pace and passed by quickly. But something in me didn’t want to go home. Didn’t want to face Hyuna. Didn’t want to cry anymore. Didn’t want to be alone. So instead, I let my feet lead me. “Take me away…” I whispered through half closed eyes. “Jebal…”

And so they did. Back to that damn park bench.

The name that I once loved

Travels further away as I call it

I write down that name, holding back tears

I want to hide it within myself.

Please understand the days,

When I had no choice but to love you.

A love that was never realized, is still love.

But it wasn’t just the normal bench I loathed… Sitting just a few feet from me on the hard, cracking wood, was the one who I would know anywhere. Her shape, her style, her everything that I loved, hated, and mourned at the thought of…

Amber.

The feeling of love, which cannot be realized alone,

Draws near.

The yearning for this love,

I couldn’t even begin, only grows bigger.

And in a column of my chilled heart,

Only your scent remains.

She was slouched and not moving… just shaking. Her shoulders were shaking, and bobbing up and down rather roughly. I recognized this movement well. She was sobbing, all alone, on my little park bench. I was conflicted, torn, inside. I despised her. Didn’t want to help her. I wanted her to feel the pain of whatever her reason for crying was. But I bet it was no match for mine in the slightest. Yet I still…

The name that I once loved

Travels further away as I call it

I write down that name, holding back tears

I want to hide it within myself.

Please understand the days,

When I had no choice but to love you.

A love that was never realized, is still love.

Before I know it, I am in front of her, looking down at her weeping figure. She kept her head in her hands, covering her eyes. As if I didn’t know what she was doing. “Amber…” I choked out. “Why?...” I heard myself say as I reached out to caress her brilliant, blond hair. But my pride still wouldn’t let me feel sorrow towards her, and my hand dropped to my side.

I turn it back a thousand times,

Going back to the place I was,

Back before a portion of my heart

Was snatched away from me.

She let her hands slide from her eyes, and looked up at me. She looked so pitiful and weak… so sad… so lost. I felt the tears threating to fall out of my own eyes. Then her face turned cold. Hard. Unreadable. And I recognized this look well from her. I felt a strange feeling bottling up inside me.

The name that I once loved

Travels further away as I call it

I write down that name, holding back tears

I want to hide it within myself.

Please understand the days,

When I had no choice but to love you.

Even a short love, is still love.

Fear. I was afraid of her.

Song: "The Name I Loved" By SHINee's Onew!