Review for ‘Suicide Notebook’ by RKP_Yoshi

Review by ScreamingMidget

Title (6/10) :

With ‘Suicide Notebook’, you pretty much summed up your entire writing style (the whole notebook entries thing) and the main point of the story. This isn’t a bad thing to do - it’s recommended, if anything - but the way you gave it away was a little too blunt. ‘Suicide Notebook’ is literally what it is. So, what if you modified your title a little? Try something a little more enigmatic and you’ll be surprised at the connotations the words have (it will induce a different feel for the readers).

Try: “Dear Death, it’s _____ been long blah blah blah” or something like that. But, I mean, keep it short like you have now (no more than 5 words). I don’t know, just ideas.

Description & Foreword (6/10) : OOH. Your description is a tad on the SHORT side, and I know a lot about being short so I’m not playing here. You use your description again later in the story (if memory serves right?) which is creative but your description...okay so what you have in the description could go in the foreword, okay? Try to use your description to actually describe your story like:

“When *main character* can only imagine his head hanging by a thread, he lets his blood spill on paper first.”

Something like that. ‘His head hanging’ →Alliteration. If you do this in instances (short instances, like parts in poetry or songs), it will create an impact. It makes the reader read it in rhythm. Head and thread → internal rhyme. This will also create an impact and rhythm. Try something like this because the first part of your description (hopefully that whole sentence, depending on whether AFF is nice to you or not (I don’t get why they cut off at certain parts, to be honest.))  will show up on like the little space your story gets on a list. I’m so confusing you here, sorry, I’ll stop talking.

Anyway, please don’t write a note for your foreword! This might turn off new readers! If you do write notes for chapters, I’d say keep them temporary and erase them when you put up the next chapter (ok that last bit is not necessary maybe (my personal taste) but the whole foreword thing, you gotta take me seriously xD).

Content & Plot (13/20) : Hey yeah, I like your writing and I do like the plot. For angst, we get to see a lot of people with suicidal thoughts and I’ve actually reviewed a story with someone who kept a notebook (not biased though, especially since that someone’s notebook didn’t have to do with suicide in particular). I think you could add another theme, to be honest! A little plot twist to spice things up, maybe?

Characters (7/10) : Heck yeah, you did good. I realize it’s your first time trying out a 3rd person perspective but I’m not gonna be able to show you mercy, I’m sorry. I think you could work on how you relate to the characters. Are you doing 3rd person limited or omniscient?

Here’s something that might help:

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/first-second-and-third-person?page=all

Grammar & Spelling (10/10) : Ayy, gull, nice job! You could put beta readers to shame.

Organization/Flow (8/10) : You keep emphasize HE. I like it, I understand it but stick with one way of emphasizing. Sometimes you italicize it, sometimes caps lock. I’d go with italics, by the way.

Appearance (9/10) : Since I get that you’re just not a ‘background’ type of person, I’m just going to ignore that (our little secret) but try playing around with fonts in your spare time (wow, I can’t believe I just said that) and see what matches up to a ‘dark theme’ the best. I think Georgia at size 14 would work pretty well.

Enjoyment (18/20) : I enjoyed it! I really did. I know you have really great ideas in your head but I think you could work on how you convey those messages by not spilling out so many things right away. In chapter 1, I think you might confuse readers by all the things that are happening. Try to explain the setting a little bit better and have the characters at least think or talk more!

Total : 77/100