missghean : Tales of Love from the Joseon Dynasty
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Review for 'Tales of Love from the Joseon Dynasty' by missghean
Review by Jangmii
Title (7/10) :
I feel like it's too long. It's straightforward and simple but I feel like it can be something more eye-catching or shorter; something easier to remember. Though that's just my opinion; many stories have long titles.
Description&Foreword (8/10) :
With the word 'saegguk' maybe you should bracket 'historical' after instead of putting a slash. I was honestly confused because I didn't know what saegguk meant. ( I googled it )
So i.g. :
saegguk (historical)
At the end of the foreword, maybe you should put a small explanation of what Joseon is as well. Also, I had no idea what a kisaeng was and I had to google it.
(saegguk = historical)
p.s. : capitalize EXO.
Typo :
> I wouldn't let you be confused any futher and tell you my secret.
> I won't* let you be confused any further* and tell you my secret.
I especially like the foreword, though there was vocabulary I didn't know. I think it's really well made, especially the "I am Joseon" part. That was really clever. ^^
Chapter 11 summary :
> Bearing a wound deeper that runs much deeper than his flesh, .."
I don't understand this. Who's bearing the wound?
Content&Plot (15/20) :
I disagree with you; there are quite the few 'historical' fan fictions here on AFF. Some include The Jade Princess, My Bodyguard Princess, and When Four Thieves Steal a Prince.
I feel like you shouldn't have made this all in one fic. This could be made into a series instead.
On another note, your chapters have a nice length to them; though it's only because you seperate your narration and dialogue into different lines.
The plot is okay. It's a bunch of short stories bundled up together. Average, really.
Characters (7/10) :
There's not much character developement. Some causes for this is the fact that each mini-story is about 5 chapters Another reason is because you're using second person of view. Maybe even your lack in English skills is to blame for this, too.
Grammer&Spelling (7/10) :
Chapter 1 :
>His are wrinkles showing that he must be at least 70 years old.
>His *wrinkles are* showing that he must be at least 70 years old.
>your highness
>Your Highness
Why? Your Highness is a title, such as Mr. Kim, Mrs. Kim, Dr. Kim, Miss Kim, Ms. Kim, etc. therefore it should be capitalized. Things like Your Majesty, Your Excellency are included as well.
>You passed through a majestic bridge over a pond that had the most beautiful water lilies; surprisingly, the bridge led to the main hall of the palace grounds where the main functions are held.
MINI-LESSON : WHEN TO USE A SEMI COLON :
One uses a semi-colon when they want to combine to independant clauses that relate to one another. It's peculiar almost that you used a semi-colon instead of a period here. It's not incorrect (at least I don't think it is) for you to use a semi-colon here but it would definitely be more appropriate to use a period.
>But then again, the prince and you are an arranged couple; just like any other royal marriages.
>But then again, the prince and you are an arranged couple, just like any other royal marriage*
or
>But then again, the prince and you are an arranged couple, just like * other royal marriages
>He wanted to hear your voice calling out to him in his real name; as everyone in the palace calls him with honorifics, ...
>He wanted to hear your voice calling out to him in his real name as everyone in the palace calls him with honorifics. ...
MINI-LESSON : SEMI COLONS WITH CONJUNCTIONS
Examples of conjunction words : and, but, or, nor, for, so, yet.
If you have a conjunction, don't use a semi colon and vice versa.
>You saw his face nearing yours, then you felt his warm lips in your cheeks.
>You saw his face nearing yours, then you felt his warm lips on* your cheeks.
>"Give your heart to me, as I had already given mine to yours..."
"Give your heart to me, as I had already given mine to you*..."
>He then placed a peck of your lips.
>He then pecked your lips.
>Speak to me more, I want to hear your voice. It's music to my ears. Smile for me every day, just to take all my worries away"
> Speak to me more.* I want to hear your voice, *it's music to my ears. Smile for me everyday* just to take all my worries away.*"
DIALOGUE LESSON 101 :
If the quote comes after the person who spoke, place a period at the end of the quote, before the closing quotation marks.
>He closed the gap between the as he kissed your lips, placing his hands at the back of your neck and the other one at face.
>He closed the gap between you* as he kissed your lips, placing his hand* on* the back of your neck and the other* on* your* face.
>Since when did you had someone to hug? Since you were a little child?
DEFINITIONS 101 :
Since (adv.)
1. From then till now.
2. Between a particular past time and the present.
3. ago; before now: long since.
>How long has it been since you've had someone to hug? Since you were a little child?'
You don't need to start a new line when you're adding narration after a quote.
> "I didn't know how to go down."
Tears were starting to form in your eyes and your voice began to tremble. You are afraid, very afraid to fall down.
> "I didn't know how to go down." Tears were starting to form in your eyes and your voice began to tremble. You are afraid, very afraid to fall down.
Dialogue is a primary school thing. Even though you don't seem to be fluent, you should know the basics to writing as a writer.
Organization/Flow (6/10) :
Second POV is really hard to read. It's difficult to follow and relate because we have to imagine ourselves doing and saying whatever you write for us to do instead of imagining an imaginary character. The one thing I can give you props on about your POV is that you gave 'you' a name instead of '____' or '~~~~', etc.
Is English your first language? Reading your writing it seems like it isn't. Due to your amateur writing, it's hard to follow. I find so many mistakes that I don't feel like reading anymore. Of course, this can improve over time, but some suggestions are getting someone to proof read it for you or you read it out loud by yourself. What I like to do is write it in my notebook first before I type it out, so I have to read each word and each line carefully, killing two bird with one stone by proof-reading and typing at the same time. I usually make many changes and improvements with this procedure.
Of course, your writing, along with your English will gradually improve as you write and read more.
Appearance (5/10) : The poster is terrible, I'm sorry. I don't know what that thing in the picture is, the font is barely legible.
Enjoyment (10/20) : Again, I'm sorry but I didn't enjoy this story. I kept getting distracted by the grammatical errors, wrongly placed commas, misused semi colons, lack of periods and whatnot. Other than the fact that this is set in historical times, this is really just an average story that needs loads of improvement and lacks uniqueness.
Total : 65/100
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