flamzfox : Carded Destiny
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Review for 'Carded Destiny' by flamzfox
Review by Jangmii
Title (7/10) :
Though this title is unique, I don't understand the meaning of it yet, most likely because the fic hasn't been completed yet. The only thing that gives away what the title means is the description and that's not a good thing.
Description&Foreword (7/10) :
I think you're giving away too much. I've read through all eleven currently available chapters and there's nothing on what you wrote for the description. The foreword was good, though.
Content&Plot (18/20) :
That was really a lot to read. I think the plot is really unique as well.
Characters (10/10) :
It's clear that Kris, the protagonist has some baggage that we the readers haven't found out about yet (referring to chapter eleven)so it gives his character dimension. It seems like all the characters have something they're addicted to and that's really cute too.
Grammer&Spelling (7/10) :
Chapter 1:
Mistake :" Many were framed and placed all over his father’s company where all the employees would dedicate several minutes a day to admiring them."
Correction : "Many were framed and placed all over his father’s company where all the employees would dedicate several minutes a day to admire them."
Mistake :"Unfortunately Kris had accidently said his thoughts out loud and now had dozens of eyes glued on him in a deathly manner. That was not well. "
Definition of well :
1.
in a good or satisfactory manner: Business is going well.
2.
thoroughly, carefully, or soundly: to shake well before using; listen well.
3.
in a moral or proper manner: to behave well.
4.
commendably, meritoriously, or excellently: a difficult task well done.
5.
with propriety, justice, or reason: I could not well refuse.
via dictionary.com
A lot of people mix up well and good.
Good:
1.
morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious: a good man.
2.
satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree: a good teacher; good health.
3.
of high quality; excellent.
4.
right; proper; fit: It is good that you are here. His credentials are good.
5.
well-behaved: a good child.
via dictionary.com
In this situation, it would be proper to use good instead of well.
Chapter 2:
Mistake: Kris pressed it. The star sunk deeper into the stone until a clear click was heard. A large square of tiles a few feet away from him suddenly slide away, revealing a set of hardwood stairs leading deep below the building.
Correction:Kris pressed it. The star sunk deeper into the stone until a clear click was heard. A large square of tiles a few feet away from him suddenly slid away, revealing a set of hardwood stairs leading deep below the building.
Chapter 6:
Mistake :Tao continued to take large bites, speaking in between his frequent bites in broken phrases, “But, Suho,” beef, “it’s,” noodles, “so good,” potato, “god, I” egg, “love you,” soup, “so freaking much.”
This just.. doesn't make sense.
Chapter 9:
Mistake : The Panda not wanting to disturb the sleep of the male who he had kept up late last night stayed very still and reclosed his eyes.
Correction: The Panda, not wanting to distrub the sleep of the male who he had kept up late last night, stayed very still and reclosed his eyes.
Mistake: While Tao was busying covering his ears to try to stop himself from going deaf, Sehun rose out of his sleeping position slowly, stretching his body and yawning as he did so.
Correction: While Tao was busy covering his ears to try and stop himself from going deaf, Sehun rose out of his sleeping position slowly, stretching his body and yawning as he did so.
Keep in mind that I didn't point out every mistake.
Organization/Flow (7/10) :
You repeat words to exaggerate them, but it's too much. You don't need to use a word five different times to make a point. It can distract a reader and in other words, it's a turn-off. Do you know how if you eat the same thing too often you become sick of it? It's kind of like that.
To add on to that, you don't need to italic that word. Usually, one uses italics to emphasize a word. But you're already emphasizing that word because you repeated it so many times.
You shouldn't repeat something twice if you've said it just a few sentences earlier. Example :
In walked Kris’ worst nightmare in a strapless white autumn dress, soft red heels, and of course her signature sunglasses. Normally nightmares weren’t supposed to be so well dressed but this wasn’t any regular nightmare.
This was So Chae Eun. Korea’s top model. Asia’s top actress. And unfortunately, Kris’ worst nightmare.
I don't see the need to repeat "Kris' worst nightmare" twice, to add on you used the word nightmare three times. Again, it's a turn-off. We already read that she was his worst nightmare just a few sentences before, repeating it again is like eating the appetizer at the beginning of the meal and then having it as dessert at the end of the meal.
I find it weird how he actually talks to his 'inner-self'. His 'inner-self' is part of him, therefor he shouldn't address it like it's a different person. For example :
"Everything will be fine. You'll just tell her that you aren't interested." (chapter one)
Here, Kris is having a conversation with his inner-self. Kris is talking as if he's not going to be the one carrying out the actions; as if he's talking to a friend, telling them what to do. This would've been fine without the inner-self talking too. If there was no conversation going on with the inner-self it would look like Kris is addressing himself in third person, but because there's the conversation with inner-self, it doesn't look like he's talking about himself. In conclusion, this is what it should be:
"Everything will be fine. I'll just tell her that I'm not interested."
You should fix this, and all of the other 'inner-self' conversations.
Also, I have a question; is Kris talking out loud or is he only saying it in his thoughts? You should use italics if it's in his thoughts because it seems like he's doing the former.
Also, sometimes you contradict yourself. Example (chapter one):
Yeah, his inner-self replied, so perfect that a girl has you wrapped around her pinky finger.
Kris ignored his inner-self though. He always did.
“Everything will be fine. You’ll just tell her that you aren’t interested.”
Here, you wrote that Kris ignored his inner-self. With that in mind, why did Kris reply to whatever his inner-self was saying?
In all, the flow is kind of choppy. I suggest reading the chapter out loud to yourself or having someone else proofread through it to ensure the chapters to be more fluid.
Appearance (10/10) :
The poster was nicely made. I think it's a good thing that you don't have a background because they're usually distracting.
Enjoyment (18/20) :
This is a nice write. I'm anticipating the next update and how this will all unfold, especially with Suho, Tao and Kris.
Total : 84/100
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