Review for 'Albino Roses' by ExoChanyeon

Review by awkwardtofu211

Title: 9/10!
Yes, I loved your title! It fits in very well with your story, and I can tell exactly why you made that as your title. It wasn't confusing or anything, so that's very good. I would only suggest to try and make it a little more interesting; because when someone sees this story, everyone will unconsciously infer what your writing style is. For example, when I saw your title, I knew that you were going to be a descreet writer who likes to use lots of beautiful language. I could also tell that you've thought about your title a lot, and therefore the story will be well thought out. 

I also got the impression that this might be a cute, fluffy, story- depending on your opinion, you can choose whether that is a good or a bad thing. Why I say this is because there were some parts when it really wasn't cute or fluffy, but a little more angsty. So I would suggest maybe another adjective in your title that will show the bit of angst to your story- something like 'Bloody Albino Roses' or something like that. However, it's just a suggestion, so you don't have to do it if you don’t want too. :) 


Description & Foreword: 6/10
Okay, so I think this is where the real problem lies. It’s not that the poem thing was a bad idea, in fact it was total genius (if you really want an honest opinion XD), but I think it’s too vauge for a description. You still need to tell your readers at least something about your story, you still need to add in a paragraph or summary about what they’re going to read. So far, that poem doesn’t exactly tell me much except that she might go crazy soon and attack the person she loves either emotionally or physically (please excuse my active imagination hehe), but otherwise than that, I’m not really getting anything. The point of your description/foreword is to hook in your readers so that they will read your story!

I would definitely suggest putting a little summary or excerpt in to show what the problem is your story-- this is a must! I always believe that everyone should show at least a little bit of what the problem is in the description because this is what a lot of readers look for unknowingly. We’ve all been taught in school and stuff to recognize the problem first, so that’s what a lot of people will do subconsciously when analyzing your fic. But this is just a suggestion, girl, so don’t feel forced or anything. :)

Content & Plot: 18/20
TOTALLY ORIGINAL AND I’M LIKE IN LOVE askldjfhaidufhl. I love the angst. The drama. The feelings. Ooohh the feels. They just come down to you like waves, it’s just so beautiful! It’s such a beautiful story and I love it so much. I really really like how it wasn’t fluffy at all, despite the original appearance of the story. And holy shiznit I just realized you updated- hehe I’m gonna go check it out now (again).

Hokay so you updated again so I have to rewrite this paragraph, hehe. It’s totally fine, it’s good that you update often. So now for the review. Alright so I really really love how you added the part where Chen decides to go to SM Academy because it’s like a step closer to reality, which gives you bonus points! I’m really sad that Ha Yi died, but it wasn’t that painful because I knew sometime in the story that she was going to die anyways. 

However, if you want to get more of a reaction out of your readers, I would totally suggest putting in Chen’s reaction to seeing her dead. He loves her! And all you added was a letter with her saying ‘sorry’ a million times. I want to see the heart-wrenching moment when Chen realizes that he just let the girl he loves die right in front of him when he had the power to stop it. With your writing, oh gosh, I can just imagine the feels I would get. I just know you’ll get a ton of comments of how you made people cry if you write it really angsty and have Chen cry and shout out to the world: “WHY OH WHYYY?!?” (Just kidding don’t do the last part ever). But if you do the first two things, you will create a bucket of feels that will dump on readers and then they’ll be a sobbing mess in your comment boxes. 

I really hope you write an epilouge or something to this, because I know that this story isn’t done yet. :)

Characters: 9/10
I really like how you made Ha Yi NOT a Mary Sue, even though she has the potential to be one. She knew she was going to die soon and you didn’t make her all like, “Oh, woe is me!” and have her all whiny; but headstrong and calm. Dude, I love that. She is a very quiet character almost, and she likes to keep her thoughts and secrets to herself. Despite the fact that she is close to death, she seems very calm about it. However, I want to know her thoughts about death more. I want to know what she thinks about Jongdae and Suho more. I want to see what goes through her head when she’s about to die. 

But Suho, however, is a really confusing guy. Firstly, I don’t even know if he’s real or not. Is he some supernatural guy who can turn invisible? Is he a figment of Ha Yi’s imagination? Or is he a ghost? Whatever the case is, maybe you should clarify (in the next chappie or two) because I’m still not sure- but that may be one of the best things because he’s such a mysterious character. I actually think it would be pretty awesome if you wrote in Suho’s POV because he’s like that character that you’re just so interested in and I want to see what that y beast is thinking about. 

And about Chen, well, you already know. I just really want to see him in pain and sorrow in this story because even when Ha Yi rejected him, we didn’t really see a reaction. I would lurrrrv to see a crying scene from him! He’s such an interesting character (He’s so precious omg I love him! I’m just so glad you decided to write about him).

Grammar/Spelling: 8/10
You’re grammar and spelling is just fine. There’s no huge mistakes (if any) and even if they were, none popped out at me and said “FIX ME NOW”, so you’re on the right track! The only thing I would have to say you need to fix is your tenses. Sometimes they aren’t the same in a sentence, and they can throw a reader off. What I mean is this: 

1. “Her eyes flutter open as a forced bright light entered her vision.” → yes, it does sound correct and has a good flow, but the right sentence would be: “Her eyes flutter open as a forced bright light ENTERS her vision.” or “Her eyes FLUTTERED open as a forced bright light entered her vision.”

2. Another one: “...Ha Yi, slowly and weakly nodded and pulls the blankets over her chest”. You can do → “...Ha Yi, slowly and weakly NODS and pulls the blankets over her chest.”, or “...Ha Yi, slowly and weakly nodded and PULLED the blankets over her chest.”.

3. You also did it here: “With Suho’s words stuck in her mind, she thinks about it over and over.” → you see how you use the word ‘thinks’? If you read that whole paragraph, you are switching from one tense to another; in one sentence, you use: “Hayi CLOSED her eyes once again.” If you went with the first way, you would have to say ‘closes’ rather than ‘closed’. If you’re going the second way, you would have to say ‘She THOUGHT about Suho’s words…’. You get what I mean? Sorry if this is a bit confusing, pm me if you have questions!

Organization/Flow: 10/10
Yes, 10 out of 10, girl! It’s super easy to read and I love how you made sure to signify who’s POV it is, without actually saying: ‘Jongdae’s POV’ or ‘Ha Yi’s POV’ which usually disruptes the flow. Instead, you used graceful transitions which are easy to see and read. It’s actually literally perfect (can I say that?), there’s like no mistakes at all. I like how you don’t use so many different fonts and colors and I love how your spacing is all neat and that you use all your grammar/spelling skills correctly. Yesssss, score! Oh, there’s just one mistake I just found at the end of chapter two. Lots of times I have to tell writers to italicize their thoughts, which you did. You just put ‘she thought’ also into italics, which it shouldn’t be. 

Appearance: 10/10
Hokay, so you don’t have a poster, but that’s totally fine. You DO have music, though, and even though it’s kind of distracting at first, I realize that it really fits into your story. It’s got this kind of mellow sadness that is strangely relaxing and uplifting, and omg I kinda want to cry right now that I’m listening to it. It’s also making me more concentrated and makes me type faster (haha magical powers maybe?) so those are extra bonus points! 

However, for the rest, I would try to add a little more darkness to your background and/or pictures. She DIES. So maybe just a little more darkness would be awesome to signify that this story is not a happy story with cute bunnies, but a love story gone wrong. Wow, omigosh I’m like really digging this song. What’s it called? It’s such a good song to listen to while doing reviews, hehe.

Enjoyment: 20/20

If you fix up your foreword, be ready for a ton of subscribers. I keep asking myself, “Why doesn’t she have loads of subscribers already?”, and then I think, “Oh yeah, her description.”. It’s not that it’s a bad description at all! It’s just that there needs to be more information. After you do that- watch the magic. :)

But girl, can I tell you that this is THE story I’ve been looking for? This story is the underrated one that deserves so much attention! You write so beautifully, and the story just flows, and your characters are so real. OMF I can’t. Subscribing and upvoting right now. Great, great job!

Your score: 90/100
YOU GOT IN LE HALL OF FAME. Yes! So happy that you did!!! Congratsssss *throws confetti*