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Changmin Point of View

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When I was turn five, I always remember how I learn how to ride bike. My dad would give his time for me at Saturday, holding the back of my bike as I slowly try to ride it across my backyard. My mom would sit on the porch with a cup of tea and biscuits on her another hand as she laugh at seeing how I struggle enough not to fall at ground. At noon, my dad would ask me to help him grilled some sausage even for real, I never really help him because all I can do is only eat the sausage every time my dad finish the grill. And when the night comes, he will accompany me to bed and telling me some story about knight in shining armor and saving his princess. If I could back to the past, I would choose that time, the time when I was five, more than another.

When I was turn eight everything changes.

My dad rarely home at night. I would like to sneaking out from my room and peeping downstairs when all I can see is my mom watching the television as she always waiting for my dad. Sometimes I would like to see her fell asleep on the couch till morning even my dad not home all night. There’s no laugh between us anymore, there’s no proper talk that would happen in dining room when the breakfast come, there’s no bedtime story anymore, there’s no more someone that I would like to call dad.

It was late autumn when I wake at night, or maybe I never fell asleep at all that time. I only hug my knee on my chest as I keep hide my face between it. I don’t remember how long I stay in that position. I don’t know how long I can hear my parents fight downstairs. I can hear my mom yelling between her cries when my dad would also reply every word that she said with another yell. There’s more than once I can hear breaking glasses from downstairs, broken into pieces and makes me can hear how the glass scattered on the ground even I close my ears. I’m not sure what happen between them, but I know if something bad would happen.

When the first snow falls on a week before Christmas, I see this man. A beautiful man with his black mantle inside my dad car. I seeing him from the window of my room upstairs because my mom told me get inside my room the time when my dad home after almost a week he’s gone. He’s beautiful, really beautiful for a man, but I don’t understand that time, why my dad kisses him on his cheeks, when I know that kind of stuffs always he done to my mom. Sometimes, I would like to see my dad leaving and not back after days, but that time, I seeing him bring a suit case like he would like to go on a trip or something.

My dad not home after that.

After the last time I’m seeing my dad from my room, I never seeing him again for long time. My mom also changes. She would leave me alone in the house early in the morning for works, I don’t understand why, because she’s never go for work before. Whenever how hard I try to wake earlier in the morning, I’m never seeing her when I go downstairs. Once I ever have chance to meet her, but it only about a minute because she’s already on her car and leave for works. And I would always have my lunch and dinner alone at home, because it useless to waiting her home, since whenever she’s home, I already fell asleep even I don’t want to. When I was eight years old, it was the worst.

It was two weeks before I turn nine that year.

It’s Saturday, and my mom at home. I only sitting on the carpet in front of the television as I watch cartoon, while my mom on dining room with her laptop in front of her and typing some stuffs. We never talk. We not even feel like we know each other. Sometimes I would like to see her from a far, only to get her attention, but she seems never pay any attention to me. If I not fell asleep at night, or I awaken because of something, I would out from my room and look downstairs, only to find my mom stare blankly at the TV screen, not even watch the shows, and sometimes, I would find her curl into ball on the couch and cry in silent. I don’t understand why my mom cries, but whenever I seeing her like that, I would go into my room and hide under the cover before I’m start to crying too.

I turn my gaze from the TV screen when suddenly the bell rings. I turn my head to my mom who seems not listens to it because she now only stares blankly at her laptop. On weekend, our maids would have days off, which makes me and my mom left on the big house. I would like to tell my mom about the bell, but then I just stand from my place and walk toward the door before open it slowly.

“Changmin-ah…” I can feel the warm around my body when someone hugs me when I open the door.

It’s my dad, and he’s home. He broke the hug and kneeling on the ground to makes his height same as mine before he touch the tip of my nose and makes me close my eyes in second. He laughs at me and smiles before he ruffles my hair and takes my little hands before swings it slowly.

“You already grown up, even I only not met you for month.” He says as he pinching my right cheek.

I only smile at him as he stand from the ground and ruffle my hair once again, before walk inside. I follow his presence which actually walks toward my mom who still spacing out at the dining room. They seem like have kind of talk, but in whisper tone, because I cannot listen to what they say, but it seems like, my mom not really care to what he says after all. That only a talks that not happen for minutes, because my dad quickly walk toward his room and makes me can’t seeing him again.

I can feel someone watching me from afar. I turn my body toward the gate of my house as I can found a man stand there. The man from months ago and he look like at my mom’s age. I still stare at him who smiles kindly at me, which I replied fast. I don’t know who is he, but somehow, I just feel I hate him. A hand laid on my left shoulder which makes me turn my body in second and faced my dad who already put some boxes and another suitcase on the doorway.

“You will leave us again dad?” I ask him slowly as I try to count how many things that he pack up and put there.

My dad is kneeling on the ground and fid my gaze. Our eyes meet and he smile at me slowly. He hugs me for awhile, and I know, that would be the last hug that I can feels from him. “I’m just leaves this house, but I’ll never leave you two.”

“You’ll leave with that man?”

My dad turns his head for awhile to the gate and smile toward the man there. He then look back at me and caressed my head “Yeah, I’ll leave with him.”

“Why?”

“Be—“

“Because he not love us again Changmin”

I turn my head and found my mom already stand behind me with her hand laid on my another shoulder. She not looks at my dad, but toward the man on the gate. My dad stand from the ground and ruffles my hair once again, before he turn his body and start to move all the stuffs that he bring inside the car. When it only one suit case left, he smile toward me and kiss my cheeks “remember, I always love you Changmin.” Before he leave to his car drove away without turning back when he’s done.

And when I turn nine, I never meet my dad anymore.

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We’re on the dining table. Me and my mom. Eating dinner which most of the time I spent to thinks about something that keep buzzing around in my mind since I go back from school today. Once or twice I would like to stop chewing my food and glancing at my mom, want to ask something, but I quiet scared. In the end I decide just spill it out though.

“Mom…”

“Yes?” My mom lifts her head and look at me for awhile before back at the soup in front of her “what is it Changmin?”

“Uhm…” I playing with the spoon inside my soup bowls before put it aside and look at my mom “what is ?”

I know since the first place, if I shouldn’t says that word to my mom, because the things that happen next is she choked up like want to burst out from . She takes the water in front of her and drink it immediately before she wipe with the napkin and look at me with her questioning look which somehow quiet intimidate me.

“Where you get that word?”

“School.”

“Who says that!?”

I can hear the volume in her tone is higher a little. I backend up a little bit as I quiet shock when I hear she says that to me. I put my gaze down “A senior year sunbaenim. He was seeing dad few days ago, and he said dad is a .”

I still put gaze down on my hand and afraid if my mom will mad at me. I bite my bottom lips as my fingers keep hold the napkin over my laps quiet tight. I hear no response from my mom, but hands laid over my ears instead. My mom already kneeling beside my chair and she put her hands to covers up my ears. I turn my head and only find her smile toward me with her eyes that looks like she almost cries.

“Don’t ever listen to that kind of words again, okay?” she says slowly with her quiet cracking voice “they don’t know about your dad. They don’t know about him, us, or our family.”

I put my small hands over my mom’s and look at her who now already crying as she keep trying to says words to me “ is a bad word Changmin, never ever use that, okay?” she laughs bitterly for awhile “beside, he says, he loves you remember? And your sunbaenim never know about that”

I nods slowly and my mom hugging me in second after that. She hugging me quiet tight as I can feel her tears dripping down to my neck. We never hug like this since my parents get into fight more often. We not even really have a nice chat when my dad leaves us. But the feeling of her hands around me, it just makes me know how she feels about this. We never talk about dad, mom never really explain why dad leaving us. Sometimes I thought, it’s only me who miss his presence in this house between us, but when I inside my mom embrace, I know, she misses him more than I am. And without I realize it, I also cry, there with her for minutes until I fell asleep in her embrace.

.

.

.

“Young Master, wake up.”

I keep grumbling in my sleep when I feel like someone try to force me open my eyes. I turn in my bed still with my eyes shut as I feel a hand try to shake my body so I can wake immediately. I open my eyes half and found one of my maids already in my room and try to wake me up. I get into sit position and rub my eyes as I sigh a little and turn my head to my maid. I can see her exactly now, she uses a black outfit and has that kind of expression. What is it? sad? Shock? Disappointed? I’m not sure, but I guess that what she feels now.

“Your mother waiting you downstairs, she wants to talk to you.”

Oh really? I turn my head to my side table and see at my alarm clock which shows if it’s around three in morning and my mom want to talk to me? Why on earth she wants doing that? She never really has time for me, and now when she has, she wants to talk to me at three!? I don’t want to argue with anyone this time, I’ll just listen to what she would says and go straight to bed afterwards. I nod at my maid as I get off from my bed but she stops me right away.

“You better change. Because, it’s kind of an urgent things.” She gives a suit toward me and bows her body for awhile before she leaves me alone in my room.

I raised one of my eyebrows as I look at the suits in my hands before I get change and just think to let this stuffs get over in no time.

The moment I finish with clothes, I get out from my room and walk to the stairs. It’s quiet weird when the dawn not even shows up, but my house already fills with people’s voices. I stop at the top stairs and look downstairs for awhile at the fence and found if there quiet lot of people inside the house and they’re using a black clothes. I still try to understand what happen until something get inside my mind.

I run quiet fast as I take the stairs and turn my body on the corner toward living room. Most of people in the room stops talking and look at me instead as I already downstairs. I can see their eyes look at me with those meaningful look. I understand what happen just now. I can see my mom on the couch in front of the TV as he cry in silent with my aunt beside her as she tries to calm her down. She cries as she hugs a picture. A picture of my dad. I can see my cousin Yunho stand beside me as he put a hand on my shoulder and squeeze it slowly like he giving me strength. I gritted my teeth as I walk slowly to my mom.

She lifts her head as I stop right beside her. Her eyes totally a bloodshot as tears never stops falls from it. I don’t know when it happens but I can feel my nose start to watery and my throat is hurt. My sight gets into blurs as I bite my bottom lips as the sobs get inside me. She pulls me inside her embrace and we cry. Even though I don’t know why I cry, but the situation only makes me cry harder.

I just turn twelve three months ago, but I never thought I would ever cry like a new born baby in that age.

“Your dad…” she says quiet hard as sobs get between her words “he’s gone…”

Another thing that happen when I was twelve is I know, my dad leave and never going back, but now, is forever.

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It’s only the two of us that left on the cemetery. We still stare at the tombstone of my dad as our hand still tangled together. I’m not cry anymore, so does my mom. We only look at my dad tombstones as the feels get inside our mind but we never spill it out, because we know he would never listen to us, no matter what.

My dad is dead on car accident. And he’s dead with the man that leave with him years ago when he decide out from the house. They seem like want to go on trip or something, because the police says they found some suitcases inside the car before it fall on the cliff. Somehow, I don’t understand why I cry over my dad, because he never there for me for these past years, only me and mom, but the bond, there’s always this bond between us, because no matter what, he’s my dad, so does my mom. I’m sure she’s still love him, even he leave her for another guy.

I feels my mom try to take my attention by pulls my left hand that still holding her right slowly. I lift my head and found she’s smile to me as I return it back and we turn our heels and start to walk away from where my dad tombstone is. As we walk I turn my head for once and see if my dad tombstone for the last time before I join my mom to leave the place.

I quiet questioning that out when my mom lead me not to out from the cemetery but to another tombstone here. The one that we faced now is not more special than my dad one, but it quiet nice. I can see the date of this person dead which is actually today, the same just like my dad… wait, is this person…

“Do you remember the man that you see years ago when your dad leave the house?” my mom ask me slowly even she not turns her face toward me “this is that man, and he died too today.”

“I know I’m supposed to hate him and calling him name, but I can’t, because your dad really loves him, Changmin.”

“What do you mean mom? I mean, they are both man.”

“Gay.” She closes her eyes slowly as she take deep breath before continue “your dad is gay, gay is when to person in same gender share ual interest each other. We should hate him Changmin, but… your dad love him more than us, which make us have no reason to hate him”

I’m not replied to what my mom says, because I just need to understand that more.

So if my dad is gay, he not loves my mom, right? He supposed not to married with my mom, but with a man, not a woman. And the bad part is, I would never born in this world because man and man would never make one of them pregnant right? And it seems like completing all question inside my head for years when my dad still at house, when he sometimes like to yelling at mom and me. It seems like ‘gay’ and ‘that man’ is the only answer for all of this. But my head is full of question as I leave the place, get into car and leave with my mom.

She drives the car and we not say any word in our way. I turn my hands into fist over my laps as I braving myself to ask my mom about something “If I’m gay, are you gonna hate me mom?”

I almost hit my head into the dashboard in front of me if it’s not because the seatbelt that prevent me not to. My mom stops the car in second just after I spill the words. I can see her hands hold the steer wheel quiet tight as her eyes is showing how shocked she is. She’s not moving as her eyes closes suddenly and she laid her back on the seat. She takes a deep breath before she opens her eyes and turns her head toward me, she smile.

“I wouldn’t hate you, but I’ll hate myself if you really are gay.” She ruffles my head a little bit and starts to drive again. She smiles a little without seeing me who still look at her “no matter what, you’re my son, and I love you.”

When I was twelve years old, I smile ear to ear, because I hear my mom says she loves me, but I should know too, if it would be the real last ‘love’ word she ever says to me.

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Changmin Point of View ends

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“Min… Changmin… Ya! Shim Changmin!”

Changmin widen his eyes and quiet startled as his phone in his hand fall to the ground. He turn his head to see at Kyu who now already stand in front of him with worried looks because the younger behavior who not response when he calls him.

“What’s going on? You spacing out for more than minute.” Kyu slips a small laugh as he bending himself on the ground and try to take Changmin’s phone that fall. Changmin only stare at Kyu as he tries to remember what just happen moments ago. Kyu shook his head a little as he takes the phone from the ground, because seriously, what kind of messages that he receive until makes him spacing out like that? Well… “your… your mom downstairs?”

“Uh?”

“Your mom downstairs, is she?” Kyu stand on his ground as Changmin’s phone still in his hand. He read the messages on Changmin’s phone from Yoochun.

Changmin want to says something, but he takes his phone from Kyu’s hands instead and turn his heels away toward the couch in the room. Kyu still stare at his hands where Changmin’s phone there before as the worry gets inside his mind in second. He doesn’t know why, but his heart is racing inside his body. He biting his bottom lip as his hands hugging himself while his mind getting crazy to whatever that will happen next. The only thing that get inside his mind is, how if Changmin’s mom found out about him and tells to his parents? Because he not even ready to tell his parents by himself yet.

Changmin turn his head toward Kyu and seeing if the older is showing how scared he is, even though he not say anything about it. Changmin already takes his belonging and use his jacket as he walk closer to the older and stops right in front of him. Kyu lift his head as he can see the other presence and found if Changmin smile kindly to him and put his right hand over his head before he ruffles Kyu’s hair slowly.

“Go hide yourself, I’ll face her.”

Kyu look at Changmin’s eyes for awhile, because he can’t stand to see the brown orbs in long time because the weird feeling get inside him all over again whenever their eyes meet. Kyu shook his head for awhile before he braving himself to talk even he still has his gaze on the ground.

“I can lead you to the back door and leave the place.” Kyu says with a low tone “beside she not even know if you’re here right!?”

Changmin only smile and sigh. He put his hand off from Kyu’s head and to the shorter shoulder “She already knows I’m here, that’s why she comes. Run from her, it’s only makes everything worst.” Changmin lower his head so his gaze is meeting Kyu straight “now takes your mask on, and go hide yourself, because we never know what she knows about this.”

He takes his hands off Kyu shoulder before start to walk toward the door in the room. He unlock the key and turn the knob before takes steps outside as a hand hold him and make him stay in place. He turn his head to his right to find Kyu already stand beside him with his mask on.

“Let me accompany you.” Kyu’s seeing Changmin from behind his mask right into the younger eyes “please?”

Changmin smile a little before he nods “Okay” and the two out from the room.

The two walk hand in hand on the hallway. Suddenly the hallway seem to turn into a very long one and makes them need like hours to reach the end before the stairs. The scent of the place also turn totally strong and sting their nose and somehow it makes them want to puke right away. They longing their steps, not have any gut to get downstairs in any minutes for sure, or forever. There’s no word between them.

Kyu likes to glancing at Changmin once or twice from the corner of his eyes as he can feel how cold the younger hand is. He also can feel if Changmin try to calm himself by squeezing his hands that somehow quiet hard. Changmin always has his gaze down. His eyes focus on the ground even Kyu knows his mind is really busy thinking to what he supposed to say later. Even though Changmin try to not showing how he is now, but Kyu know how he feels really are. Changmin try to act calm before, by talking slowly like a there’s nothing happen when they still in the room, but as they getting closer to the stairs, he can feels the tense that the younger feels now.

“… but I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t tell you about Gaem after all…”

Both Changmin and Kyu stop just few steps before they reach the stairs as the voice from downstairs get into their ears. Kyu turn his head toward Changmin who widen his eyes and still stare at the ground. Even from the dim light, Kyu can see if Changmin turn pale.

“So, how about a man name Cho Kyu Hyun? You must know that name, aren’t you young Lady!?”

Now, not only Changmin who widen his eyes, but Kyu also do the same. His heart is thumping very fast as he can hear his name just being spell very well from downstairs by a woman, which he bet must be Changmin’s mom.

“Aackh!”

Kyu whimper slowly as he feels Changmin hand squeeze his hand hard. Changmin turn his head in constant when he hear Kyu and take his hands off quickly “I’m sorry…” he looks slight panicky before he put both his hands on Kyu shoulder “I guess, it’s better for you to not join me downstairs, leave, go hide yourself!”

“But…”

“No but Kyu.” Changmin move both his hands from Kyu shoulder to his cheeks and caressed it slowly “go into girls rest room and hide there, they wouldn’t find you there.”

Kyu gritted his teeth slowly as he looks at the hands on his cheeks before he nods. Changmin smile kindly and takes his hands off. Kyu look at Changmin for awhile before he start to walk away, but suddenly he feels his right hand being pulls back and makes him turn his body in second back to face Changmin. Kyu hold his breath in second as all he can see is Changmin’s face that separated inch away from him before he can feels something soft and warm over his lips. Changmin’s lips.

“I think, I’ll miss that kind of thing thought.” Changmin chuckles slowly as he broke the kiss and only makes Kyu turn his cheeks into rosy pink color from the younger sudden acts. Changmin put his hands around Kyu shoulder and turn his body before he whisper into Kyu right ear “now go, hide, and never forget to thinks about me after this.”

Kyu widen his eyes as he takes a quick run from where he stands before straight to the ladies rest room. He put his hands to cover his ears when the warm of Changmin’s breaths tickling his ears and neck. Changmin only laugh in silent as he can see how funny Kyu’s run with his hands on his ears until it gone on the corner. Changmin’s smile gone and turn into frown as he can hear how sobs start to fills the air from downstairs. He looks to where Kyu’s leaves for awhile before he takes a deep breath and go downstairs.

 He doesn’t know what happen, but all he can see there is Hyuna who already cries on the ground and his mom stand in front of her as she look down at her. He doesn’t know why, but the anger gets inside his mind in second as his head like to explode right away. His mom not says anything, but she only stare at Hyuna.

“Do I need to do it again young lady? So you can spill the truth?” Changmin almost get downstairs when he can hear his mom says that. All things get inside his mind about ‘is his mom just doing something bad toward Hyuna?’ as he takes the stairs in silent “all I need is only my son, where is—“

“I’m here.”

All eyes turn to the bottom of the stairs where Changmin already stand there. His mom looks at him slowly from his head to his feet like she want to examine him. Her eyes are plain, but Changmin knows if she’s mad. She turn her head toward her driver for awhile before nods and makes her driver go upstairs like finding something or someone. Changmin only look for minutes to his driver who slowly gone before back to his mom.

“Okay young man, let’s home.” She says simply as she turns her heels away.

“No.”

“Pardon me?”

“No, I wouldn’t go home until you apologize to her.”

Her mom looks at him for awhile, before she turns his body back to Hyuna who sit on the ground with teary eyes. She raised one of his eyebrows and stare at Changmin with a face that tell ‘What a silly order’ before start to walk again to the door.

“I’m on my word mom, I wouldn’t go home if you not apologize to her!”

His mom stops. She not moving or says something. Changmin suddenly get a goosebumps as he can feel the air in the room that turns tense for awhile. She turns her body a moment after that and walk closer to his son. Hyuna only can see from the ground where she sit and knows if the looks in Changmin’s mom eyes are totally change and scariest as she getting closer to his son. She knows it’s not going well.

“So people are wrong about you, isn’t it Young Man?” Changmin gulping slowly as he can see how intimidate his mom stares are toward him. His mom must be very mad right now, because she not even calls his name, but ‘Young Man’ instead “they always say you’re the copy of mine, when actually you are your dad.”

No.

After all this years, this is the first time when she talks again about his dad.

He doesn’t understand why, but he hates it.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to home after all.” She says slowly with a smirk “You can leave the house with that Cho Kyu Hyun if you want, because you love him right!?”

Please.

Please just stop.

“You can leave though, beside, your dad ever leaves us ten years ago. So, what’s the different when you want to leave the house at the age of eighteen?” she stops for awhile as she can see if Changmin eyes turn to red slowly “Aaah… maybe that because you loves man, what a déjà vu”

Why it’s hurt?

It’s not about dad, it’s me

But why it thousand way worst than the feeling when dad leaves us?

“Seeing by how you only turn silent, you are really like your da—“

“STOP IT!!”

Changmin screaming suddenly as his hands cover his ears. He gets into ground as his gaze turn into blurs and tears get down through his cheeks. His mom only stare at him lifeless, like she already not has any soul to care about his son after all. She already knows about this, she already facing the worst before this.

“Stop it mom…” his voice is cracking as tears never stops fall from his eyes “stop it, don’t talk about dad anymore, not me, not dad…”

His mom not says anything. Hyuna only stare at Changmin who now already on the ground crying. She doesn’t understand to every word that Changmin’s mom just says before and makes the younger burst into tears. All things that she knows, if in the past, her family must been through a very hard moment about Changmin’s dad. She really just want to get closer into the younger and hug him to give him warm, but she can’t do that, or Changmin’s mom would do something more bad than slaps her on the cheeks.

“Get into car now young man, before I change my mind.”

Changmin’s still hard to breathing as he sobs quiet hard. He slowly gets into his feet and walk outside the building before he get into the car. His mom still on the building and stare at Hyuna with no word, and no longer after Changmin leave, her driver come from upstairs alone.

“I can’t find Kyuhyun-ssi, ma’am.” Her driver says slowly as he glancing a little at Hyuna on the floor.

“No problem Mr. Han, you can leave to the car, Changmin already there, I’ll catch up moments later.” Her driver nods and bows his body a little before he walk away toward the front door. He doesn’t say anything about what she done to Hyuna before. Not that he agree to what she done, but he just has nothing to do with his boss family problems.

There’s only Changmin’s mom and Hyuna left in the lobby. Hyuna quickly take his gaze down when the driver left and Changmin’s mom still stare at her since always. She can hear from the tapping sound of her heels if the Lady start to walk closer to her until it stops right in front of her. Hyuna not lift her head as suddenly she can feels someone take her shoulder and make her get into her feet right away. It’s Changmin’s mom.

“I’m sorry…” she says slowly and leads Hyuna by her shoulder to sit back on her chair “even though I hate it, I should do that for Changmin. I’m sorry…”

Hyuna just stare weirdly because how could this woman change her attitude in second like there’s nothing happen at all. Changmin’s mom take her hands off from Hyuna and turn her heels away quickly as she leave the building and off with her car outside.

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“Five hundred ninety eight… five hundred ninety nine… six hundred.”

Kyu turn silent after he says the last number. He’s just counting from one to six hundred for like more than fifteen minutes. He hiding in the ladies rest room, inside one stall that the door doesn’t close as he stand on the closet so anyone who get inside would think if the stall is empty because no feet can seen from below the door and the door is open, but he’s wrong.

Changmin’s driver finds him before, but he not takes Kyu with downstairs. He only tell Kyu to hide there and wait instead of bring him downstairs and meet Changmin’s mom. He also tells Kyu to counting from one to six hundred as he waits on the stall, before he can go downstairs. The driver does not say anything else and leave just like that as Kyu start counting slowly. Kyu already finish with the numbers and his throat feels dry and tired.

He slowly gets down from the toilet and opens the stall door. He go into the faucet as he take some water to drinks with his hands and take off his mask before splashing some water to his face. He scared as hell when the driver finds him, but he never expects if he’ll just tell him to hide. Kyu still look at himself on the mirror until he remembers about Hyuna. He quickly takes his mask with him and use it, before take a run downstairs.

“Noona! Are you okay!?” Kyu quickly kneeling in front of Hyuna desk when he already downstairs. All he can see is Hyuna who hold a pack of ice with her right hand to hold it to her right cheeks. Her eyes are swollen like she just cries.

“I’m fine Kyu, how about you?”

Kyu not says any word but hug the older instead. He hugs Hyuna for minutes as the answer if he’s fine, but he’s not alright. He can feels the older slowly put her hand behind Kyu’s back and hug him back.

“Noona I already—oh, should I leave?”

Hyuna broke the hug and smile “No need Yoochun, and thanks.”

Kyu turn his head to see someone stand feet away from him. He use a school uniform that same with Changmin and he quiet short than him. Yoochun smile to Hyuna as he gives back the phone to her before he turn his head a little toward Kyu at the ground and also smile back at him.

“Oh, Kyu, this is Yoochun, Changmin’s friend.”

Kyu look at the younger for awhile and try to remember where he hears that name before. He remembers that, if the one that sent text to Changmin and tell if his mom in the building has the same name, or maybe, this person is the one who sent that. Kyu smile a little and get into his feet before bowing his body and so does Yoochun. He not says any word, because he doesn’t know what to say. Yoochun seems like he want to ask something to Kyu from his questioning expression, but he only turn his gaze back at Hyuna instead.

“Noona, do you want to home? I can call my driver to come if you want.”

“No, I’m fine Chunnie. You can home if you want” Hyuna says slowly as she straighten up her sit position and hiss as the cold sting his right cheeks “no need to worried about me now, because, maybe, Changmin can get worst”

Suddenly the air feels so thick around them. The three turn silent and put their gaze down as they thinking about Changmin. Hyuna like to ask Yoochun what exactly happen in the past about Shim family, because to hear from Changmin’s mom words, that would be so harsh and hard for them since only by speaking about his dad, makes Changmin turn into tears, but she not ask anyway. Maybe just keep it to herself is a good idea than asking it.

Kyu turn silent and stare blankly at the ground. Hyuna right, maybe at his home now, Changmin gets worst than what Hyuna get before. Guilt start to fills up his mind and his chest suddenly hurt as his mind get filled with the younger condition now.

“Don’t worry about him.” Yoochun says suddenly and makes both Hyuna and Kyu turn their head toward the high school student “even though his mom wouldn’t easy at him, he not that kind of person who will broke easily, he ever face the worst, and facing another one just like in the past, wouldn’t kill him.”

“We just need to trust him.” Yoochun continue as he takes his belonging and use it. He smile “because he’s stronger than we know” and bow himself before leaving the two stare at him walk away.

----

“Where do you think you’re going Young Man.”

Changmin stops right away as he hears his mom says that word toward him. He’s not moving, just stand few steps before the stairs and turn his hands into fist as his teeth are gritted very hard. He close his eyes to lose his anger, but his temper, he can’t hold that. All the way home, they not say any word. Changmin try to calming himself after he small cries and his mom not really care about him, only turn silent and stare outside. The silent kill him, because even his mom not says anything, it feels like she just stabs him with every breath she takes.

“What is it mom? What?” Changmin says without turn his face to facing his mom.

There’s no word replies from his mom, which makes Changmin somehow curious and turn his body slowly only to find his mom already sit on the couch. She has her right hand under her cheeks to support her chin as she smile slowly toward him, which make him shiver in second. “I thought, you will leave the house, because you will choose to fight for your love than me, but then, I’m wrong, you’re weak.”

He doesn’t understand why, but the words stab him right on his soul. “You know Changmin-ah, when your dad and I fight over night years ago, he chooses to leave the house with that man, because he loves him so much, and now, it’s a question for yourself: do you really love Cho KyuHyun?”

Changmin stay silent and only stare at his mom from afar. He remembers that night, the night when he always can hear how his parents screaming downstairs and called each other’s name. How burn it feels when his dad slaps him on his cheeks just because he defend his mom one time. He remember how his dad would drag him to his room and lock the door from outside whenever he try to go downstairs and stops the fight between his parents. He remembers exactly how it’s feels when his dad calls him name and once hoping if he never born into this world so he can leave his mom easily. He remembers all the hurt that he feels when he was young, and that only happen just because his dad fell for another man. He hates that. He hate that man and his dad, but he hate himself more now, because he just realize it, if he exactly like his dad for awhile.

“So kick me out then” Changmin says slowly with a bitter laugh. He already says it, his mind only fills with anger that want to explode anytime. He’s mad “so kick me out then and makes me no guilty to leave the house, because I’m not the one who wants to leave the house, but it because you want me to leave.”

His heart is thumping fast. He can feel how sweaty his hands right now. His knee is trembling and he feels like he can fall on the ground anytime. His voice is slight cracking as his chest is hurt to whatever he tries to say. His lips dry, and his throat is hurt. “Or maybe not only you can kick me out, but you also can stop me to be your son… you can stop me to be your son just like dad stop us to be his fa—“

PLAK!

Burn. All he can feels now is the burn in his left cheek. He doesn’t know why, but it thousand way more burn than the time when his dad slapping him at the age of eight. It’s been years, but he still remembers how it feels exactly. He’s been living for eighteen years, and this is the first time his mom slaps him and mad at him. His gaze turn into blurs as suddenly he can feel something wet streaming down his cheeks. He’s crying even he doesn’t want to. He turns his head slowly only to find his mom stand in front of him already and she also has that teary eyes like him.

“Don’t dare you say something like that, Shim Changmin” Her voice is heavy and low. She’s really mad now “no one can stop you to be my son. No one can stop us to be a family. The only one who can stopping whom is only God.”

“Your dad never stopping us. And I would never stopping you. We still family, you still always being his son, but I never be his wife… you never know how it feels to be stopped for being something or someone, you never know how it feels when someone leave you when he is your world… you never know until you feels it by yourself, because no matter what, your dad would be always there for you, not for me. The bond between parents and child never broke, but husband and wife can”

Changmin turn silent. He doesn’t know what to say. He realizes if his mom is more hurt than him now. She already keeps it for years and stay like there’s nothing inside her mind. She always acts calm to all things that happen in her life. And him? he always thought that his mom is cold hearted and never feels the way he feels, but now he knows if he’s wrong.

“You know what…” his mom says as she laughs slowly. Not a force or bitter one, it just a simply laugh “you can leave if you want… do whatever you want… I don’t care anymore.”

Changmin only stare at his mom for awhile as she turns his heels away toward her room. He wants to run and catch up with his mom and says how sorry he is, but he can’t. He just stay there and stuck in his place as the last words from his mom get buzzing around inside his mind. He can hear the door closed and the click sound from the lock very loud into his ears from his mom’s room. Guilty start fills his mind. Changmin get into ground and cry. He pulls his knee toward his chest as he start to cry in silent in his living room alone.

“I’m sorry… mom…”

----

The next morning when Changmin’s wake, his head is dizzy. He doesn’t understand why, but his head just feels like he gets punches all night. His eyes also heavy like he never sleeps for days. He gets into sits position as he rubs his eyes, because the light in the room from the window is shining to bright. He fully opens his eyes and realizes if he fell asleep on the couch in his living room last night. He looks around and no one in the room, his maid must be somewhere on the kitchen or backyard do her chores. He yawning couple times until he realize if the sun is already high in the sky.

“What a prick!” Changmin curses to himself as he quickly stands on his feet but he fall back to couch because his head hurt from his sudden act.

Changmin put his right hand on his head as the hurt get into it. He hiss in silent and close his eyes to less the pain. He open half his eyes only to see at the grandfather’s clock at the corner of the room which showing if it’s already pass ten in the morning, and he absolutely already miss three class. Instead of get ready for school, he laid his back on the couch, because for sure it useless to go to school now.

“You wake Changmin-ssi?” Changmin open his eyes lazily and see if his maid already stands quiet far from him. He nods a little when the pain in his head is already less a little bit “do you need anything?”

“No, thank you.” Changmin says simply as his maid only nods and turns his body and start to walk away, but something come up into his mind “noona.”

“Yes?”

“Is mom still in her room?”

“Your mother already left before dawn Changmin-ssi.” She says slowly as she turns her head a little to glances at the door where Changmin’s mom room is.

“Where to?”

“She doesn’t tell, but from what she wear, I guess she not go to work.” Changmin turn his mouth into ‘o’ shape as he nods slowly which makes his maid bows her body once again and want to leave, but she stops and look back at Changmin for awhile “speaking of work, around an hour ago, your mother secretary, Kim Jaejoong call asking her presence for the meeting at eleven, but I can’t make a call for her Changmin-ssi”

Changmin stare for awhile at his maid before he tells her if she can leave. Changmin sigh for a couple times before he stand on his feet and start to walk toward his room. He get into bathroom, clean himself and change. He decides, he’ll go into the company and substituting his mom for day.

----

Silent.

It’s really silent here. No voice, no one beside her. She sits on the ground, over the green grass since it still in the middle of spring. All she can hear to fills the air is from the wind that blows over the tree slowly, or birds that chirping around over her. She not doing anything, only sits on the ground with a books over his lap which she not read at all. There’s a bucket of Lilies beside her, which is actually in front of the tombstone. The tombstone of her husband.

“Sometimes I thought, what kind of sins that I done in the past and makes me have this kind of life.” She says slowly as she starts to button up her mantle as the wind tickling her neck slowly. No one there listens at her and replies her. She’s alone in the middle of cemetery on the town “maybe it’s because I’m not a sinner after all, maybe because I’m a heathen. Am I?”

She laughs bitterly and closes the books over her lap. She put the book into the back that she brought and sigh a little bit before she laid her head on the tombstone beside her “Your son is gay, and I bet it’s unsurprising news for you.”

The time is passing. Even there’s no clock around her, she feels like she can hear exactly every ticking voice that every second made. She closes her eyes as her hand slowly touch the tombstone and feels the cold “Somehow, my mind keep screaming from last night about ‘what’s wrong with this world?’”

“But you know what…” she stands from the ground to her feet. She takes her bag from the ground and smile a little as she facing her husband tombstone for a little while “I’ll doing something right now, and I’m not gonna losing our son like I losing you easily.”

She bows her body a little and smiles as see the flower over her husband grave. She turn her heels away and leave the cemetery in silent, with a smile that never leave her face.

----

“He not comes to school after that day” Yooochun sips his medium drip slowly as his eyes never leave the older in front of him.

They already in the game center inside one of the mall in town. Kyu being told by Hyuna if Yoochun would like to spent his weekend by hangout in the game center until late. Take the words from the older, Kyu leaves his house after lunch to one of the game center that Hyuna told him. He want to find Yoochun to ask the condition of Changmin for sure.

“I already make calls sent him texts, but nothing.” Yoochun shrugs a little and he smile slowly “If I had so much gut, I would happily call his home or maybe go straight to his house, but I’m not.”

Kyu only turn silent. His hands hold the styrofoam in his hands and feels a small warm that come from the liquid inside the glass. He looks at his own hand before he sigh and smile a little bit. He lifts his head and face Yoochun who seems like know what he feels for sure. He stands from his seat.

“I guess, I’ll just heading home then. Thank you Yoochun-ah.” Kyu stand on his feet and smile as he bring his coffee on his right hand and bows his body a little toward the younger. He turns his heels away just a moment after Kyu replies his act. He walks in silent and start to leave the game center.

He doesn’t know what he feels. He doesn’t know why he cares so much. He doesn’t understand why he should think about what happen to Changmin every night before he fell asleep. After the last time he met him, he really can’t take Changmin out of his mind. He almost decides not home that Wednesday, because he afraid if his parents already being told about who he really is, but he’s wrong. It seem like Changmin’s mom do nothing about he meet up with Changmin, or his uality, because his parents seems not know anything. But the thing is he feels kind of guilty about the younger.

‘Never forget to thinks about me after this.’

Maybe Changmin’s words is kind of spell because Kyu really can’t take his mind away from Changmin. He not even goes to desiderate after that Wednesday with no reason. Not that he can’t but he just doesn’t want to. He feels like going there now, is not a good idea when he doesn’t know what happen to Changmin when actually he also involve in his problem.

“Hyung!”

Kyu stops as he hears the voice. He turns his body and found if Yoochun is the one that calls him. Yoochun quiet panting heavily like he just try to catch up with him who actually already far from the game center.

“Give me your phone.”

 Yoochun look at Kyu in the eyes as he lifts his hand for the older to give him his phone. Kyu would like to ask for what, but he just gets silent and give his phone to Yoochun anyway. Yoochun not says anything when he get Kyu phone. He also take his own phone with his another hand and start to typing stuffs like he copying something from his phone to Kyu’s. Suddenly Yoochun smile slowly and put his own phone back into his pocket before handed Kyu’s phone back to the older.

“That’s Changmin’s number.” Yoochun pointing at Kyu phone screen as the older look at the numbers there “I’m not sure if it will really use, but I guess, It will help a little even we never know for what.”

Kyu looks at the number for awhile and the name on the top where it written Shim Changmin there. He locks his phone and put it inside his pocket before he look at the younger and smile “Thanks again Yoochun-ah”

“No probs Hyung.” Yoochun laugh a little and wave his hand in the air before he leave and headed back to the game center, leaving Kyu only stare at his back.

----

When he is home, the house is fills with so many voice that he not recognize well. The sky is already turn dark outside and it almost dinner time when he open the door which makes him can smell the food very well even his place now is quiet far from the kitchen. He greeting slowly inside the house as he walks and found if there are not only his families inside his living room but also another family there.

“Oppa!”

Kyu widen his eyes as a young lady hug him suddenly quiet tight, which makes him almost fall backward if he not has a good balance very well. It’s Seo Joo Hyun, or he prefers to call her as Seohyun. She’s his childhood friend before she moves to Japan when they’re eight, and now she really already grown up into a lady even she’s younger a year from Kyu.

“You don’t miss me oppa?” Seohyun says as she brokes the hug and uses her childish voice which for some people found it very cute. Well Kyu could agree with that, but still she’s a girl after all. “you not hugging me back oppa…”

“What? Of course I miss you.” Kyu pinching Seohyun right cheeks slowly before she takes his right hand and drag him to follows her into the living room and sit on the couch beside her.

Their families gather there, his family and her. He’s already greeting Seohyun parents and starts to talks for awhile. It’s been years after the last time they meet when he still around eight. Nothing change so much. Seohyun still a child like whenever she start to talk about herself, Kyu find that quiet entertain him, since it’s been long time to talk with her after this time.

“You guys are still the same.” Kyu’s dad says suddenly which make both Kyu and Seohyun turn their face toward the old man “do you still remember how you guys like to play as a couple when you guys kid?”

Kyu only laughs a little to hear that, because yes of course he remembers that. He remembers time when he like to pretend being Seohyun’s husband and do some plays to work, while Seohyun being his wife. It’s a child plays that happen more than ten years ago, but it’s silly. Kyu smile a little as he realize if Seohyun only silent with her face slight turn rosy pink. Maybe she’s ashamed to remember their childhood moment.

“So what!? You guys want to makes us marry to each other now?” Kyu says it with a laugh. He found it quiet funny and he says that as a joke, but he never realizes if the parents never think the same.

“So you agree with that Kyu?” Seohyun dad says suddenly and makes Kyu stops his laugh in second.

Eh?

Kyu widen his eyes in constant as the situation get inside his mind. He’s try to understand the every words that Seohyun’s dad just says to him moments ago. he still silent, as he turn his head slowly only to find Seohyun face is turn totally red and she face the ground with no voice. He understands now, this is not a joke. His parents really want him to married with Seohyun. They want him to marry with a girl.

“So you agree to marry with Seohyun?” now his dad is the one who says that.

No.

Wait. No way.

----

It almost eleven that night when Changmin is home from works. It’s Saturday, but he go to work just because his mom always leave home early in the morning, headed to somewhere but work. He hasn’t talk to his mom after that day. He doesn’t know what to talk beside apologize to her anyway. He not go to school for two days in rows because the work on company is really are much which makes him decide to leave school for days, because it wouldn’t kill him anyway. There’s bunch of texts and miscalled from Yoochun, he really want to reply or answer it, but he never did. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone anyway.

It’s Saturday, and his maid already leave since she can get day off at the weekend. Changmin walk slowly inside his house and decide to head straight to his room. No need to take bath or change, he can deal it later, because now he really damn sleepy and just need to close his eyes right away as he can feels the softness and how comfort his bed is. He yawn couple times before he stops right on the doorway, where the living room is.

There’s his mom, sitting there alone in the couch, watching some documentary about sea’s life. She seems doesn’t realize if Changmin’s already home. She even only stares at the TV screen blankly when Changmin already stand beside the couch and looking at her. The view of his mom like this, is remind Changmin to the time when he was eight. His mom would like to stare blankly at the TV screen till late at night waiting for his dad, and somehow, the memory only make him hurt.

Changmin move slowly and take the empty seat beside his mom. His movement makes his mom startled a little bit and turns her head toward Changmin who now already sit beside her. She still spacing out a little bit when she look at him, when she already back into reality, she smiles a little. Changmin doesn’t know why, but seeing her smile for awhile, make him feels the warm a little bit spreading out from his chest.

“How’s the company Changmin? Is it tough?”

There’s a little gap between them. Changmin joining his mom act by only stare at the TV screen that showing about the deep sea creature which most of them are have bad look. He can hear what his mom says, but he’s sure his mom wouldn’t face him.

“Sorta… it really are for sure.”

The silent start fills the air again. Changmin just wait for any response that his mom would say, but there’s nothing. They already stay in silent for like fifteen minutes only to seeing how the deep sea creatures find their food. He can’t take it anymore.

“I’m sorry mom…” Changmin hug his mom from her side and he mumbling slowly when he hide his face on her shoulder “I’m sorry… please, don’t mad at me… don’t hate me.”

His mom not says anything, because honestly, she kind of shock to what Changmin done now. She listen to what Changmin says about not hate him, well anyway, since the first place she would never hate him right? She just smiles as she put her hands behind her son’s back and rubs it slowly up and down.

“I would never hate you remember? You’re my son Changmin.” His mom says simply as she broke the hug and lift her son’s face who already slightly wet from the tears, she smile “now stop crying, you look bad you know.”

Changmin just laugh a little as he wipes the tears from his face with the back of his hands. He move a little and back into his first position as he try to calming himself from his cries. At least his mom already forgives him, or maybe she never mad at him after all. They continue the silent by watch the television. The situation is kinda awkward for sure, but maybe it’s because their relationship is not hundred percent fine after that time. Changmin would like to glancing at his mom from the corner of his eyes and found if his mom is really focus on the television. He wants to says something, something that already inside his mind since he realize if he is gay.

“Mom…”

“Yes?”

“I want to continue my school in New York.”

There’s no response the silent is still the same, but it feels worse after he says that, and doesn’t know why. His mom is still stares at the screen, but he knows, she’s thinking about his words.

“Why?”

It’s a simple question but it’s hard to answer it, worse than his physic final exam. “I want to take literature class in NYU, literature is destiny mom, beside, I’m gay, and, I guess in a place like that, I’ll get my rights better than here.”

His mom turns silence once again. She closes her eyes now and laid her back on the couch as she massaging her temple slowly. She knows that her son is gay, but somehow, it’s still hard to receiving that, beside he always want a daughter in law since Changmin born into this world, not another son. She opens her eyes slowly but she still on her position, so she only stare at the ceiling.

“Fine.” Changmin quiet surprised when his mom says that easily, but he’s know, there must be something “but if you’re failed, you should get into business major instead and try to find girls not boy. I don’t care if you not get into them, but at least try it.”

It’s a big deal for him. Leaving Korea and live the life as himself is become his dream since he was young, but this is a bet. This is a bet that he do with his mom. A bet about his future. He doesn’t care if he loses in the end, and he should get into business major, but he can’t take it when his mom tells him to find girls. Trying with girl will only kill him slowly. He thinks so hard about it, whether he should agree or not, but he would never know if he never try right?

“So, what’s your answer Changmin?” his mom says slowly, but now she face him right in his eyes.

----

phew... finally 10k+ words!! I thought this chapter would be longer than my one shot Their Story (11k+), because I already worried if I'm doing that will makes you guys bored to read this chapter for sure, but that's fine for me though, because the important thing is, you still read it even you feel bored. Hahaha. Ah, and another thing is, everyone seems hate Changmin's mom, well, haters gonna hate!

So, thanks for everyone who reads, comments and subs this story, you guys are rock!! I'll try to finish this story before I move out town for college at the end of Summer. 

Anyway, Thanks for reading :))