Desperation
I Believe In Your ExistenceIndex:
Young Jae speaking
Yongguk speaking
Hostess/Waitress speaking
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I’ve never thought that I would be the cause behind Young Jae’s broken heart. The entire time that I had been with him while I was alive, I had always tried to protect him from such pain. I only wanted to see that bright smile on his face everyday, but now... all I see is a depressed or spaced out expression on him. Ever since my death, I have not seen him even try to smile. He even goes to hide somewhere to let out his depression through crying. I... I can’t forgive myself for doing this to him. I was indirectly killing him on the inside.
Yongguk had been supporting him as best as he could, but.. I guess he just couldn’t really help him as much as I had hoped he would. I had even gotten over my jealousy of them, just hoping that Yongguk would be able to help Young Jae in any way possible. Still.. it doesn’t seem to have helped.
It has been four days since my funeral..
I sat on our bed, closely watching Young Jae as he quietly stared up at the ceiling. He hasn’t showered since the funeral and he doesn’t eat much. He almost always just laid there now. Life just.. seemed to be nonexistent in him. His hand was currently closed on his chest, holding my engagement ring that had been given to him. It pained me to see him like this, but nothing came to my mind. I just.. couldn’t think of how I could cheer Young Jae up again without my idea including me coming to life somehow.
“Daehyun...” I came back to my senses as I focused on Young Jae once more. He was still staring up at the ceiling, but I could tell that he was on the verge of tears once more. “Daehyun..?” This time, he said my name a little louder, but I still didn’t know what was on his mind.
“Daehyun... I want to go on another date.” Young Jae suddenly sat up, wiping away at his tears. He pulled the cover off of him as he made his way to the bathroom. “I’ll go get ready since you’re already ready..”
What was.. going on? Why was Young Jae acting like this? I followed Young Jae into the shower and it did pain me to see that he had gotten skinnier. Yes, he was still the y Young Jae that I love, but.. he has lost so much weight. He wasn’t anorexic or anything, but.. he just wasn’t the same. I continued watching him as he showered. For some reason, he was acting like he normally would before I had died. I.. didn’t really know if this was a good thing or a bad thing.
Once Young Jae was out of the shower, he made his way back out into the bedroom and began looking around. He turned to look at the bed, a smirk on his face. “Yah.. Daehyun. Why do you have to watch me while I get dressed?”
Wait, what? I looked around, a bit confused. Even as Young Jae chuckled a bit and seemed to be acting normal, I was pretty sure that I wasn’t sitting on the bed. Sure, I was watching him get dressed, but he wasn’t looking in my general direction. My worry only grew, but what else could I do?
I followed Young Jae as he made his way out of the apartment. I walked next to him, almost feeling as if we really were on a date. It felt nice, but I knew that this wasn’t healthy for Young Jae. For now though, I just had to wait and see what he did. After all.. he was actually up and out of the apartment.
“How about here?” I really did wish that he would stop talking out loud, as if I really was there in person. It pained me ever single time, especially since he could not hear me now. I saw Young Jae smile and nod as he walked into the restaurant.
“Hello sir! Table for one?”
“Huh? No, table for two. I’m with my boyfriend.”
“Um.. okay. Will he be joining you shortly?”
“He’s right here.” I could tell that the hostess was completely confused. The smile was slowly fading from her face as she looked around, trying to spot whom Young Jae was currently with. “Is there a problem..?”
“Um.. no problem sir. Uh.. please follow me.”
Young Jae and I followed the hostess as she sat Young Jae down at a booth. She placed the menu’s down in front of Young Jae and across from him, still a bit confused. I guess that she didn’t want to question it though as she soon left to let the waiter or waitress handle it.
“What are you going to get, Daehyun?” Sure, I was sitting across from him in an attempt to make it seem normal, but normalcy was a bit hard to complete when.. I was just a ghost. Young Jae chuckled as he looked back down at his menu. “Okay, I’ll make sure to get you something tasty.”
“Daehyun. I’m so glad that we got to go on another date after so long.” I only listened, but I felt as if he had planned this out on purpose. It was almost as if.. he was trying to date me despite being a ghost. Either that, or.. he really was thinking that I was actually here. Those two were my only guesses for the time being.
The waitress finally made her way over to our table and Young Jae quickly ordered for us. The waitress seemed just as confused as hostess was, but just like the hostess, she had decided not to question it. Luckily though, I felt a bit happy.
“Young Jae? I didn’t know you were out.” Both Young Jae and I turned to look up at Yongguk. Young Jae smiled and waved as he moved over while Yongguk sat across from Young Jae. I quickly moved to where I was sitting next to Young Jae, looking back and forth to the two whenever they spoke. “Why are you here?”
“I’m on a date with Daehyun.” I could see Yongguk’s face become solemn as he looked at Young Jae. However, he seemed to quickly wipe that look away as he replaced it with a smile.
“Oh.. that’s good. Mind if I become a third wheel today?”
“No, it’s fine! Daehyun wouldn’t mind either, right?” Young Jae looked over in my direction, almost as if he knew that I was going to sit here before he grinned and looked over at Yongguk. “See? He said that it’s alright.”
“T-That’s.. good. What are you planning to do for the rest of the day?”
“Oh.. um.. I’m not really sure.”
“Oh, then mind if I come up with the plan for today?”
“Hm.. Do you mind Daehyun?” Young Jae looked in my general direction again and almost as if out of habit, I ended up shaking my head. Young Jae smiled and looked at Yongguk. “So, I guess you’re coming up with the plan today!”
“Oh, okay then. How do yo-”
“Here are your orders.” The waitress placed the food that Young Jae ordered in front of him while she placed the food that Young Jae had ordered for me in front of Yongguk. Young Jae looked a bit confused as the waitress left.
“That’s Daehyun’s food.”
“Oh.. uh.. I wasn’t going to eat it though.” Yongguk pushed the plate of food away as Young Jae took it and placed it in front of me. If watching Young Jae suffer wasn’t enough to get me depressed, then this was. There it was, really good, tasting food, going to waste because I couldn’t eat it and Yongguk wasn’t allowed to eat it because it was supposedly mine. I sighed as Young Jae continued eating before he looked my way.
“It’s good, right Daehyun?” I sighed, staring at the food sitting right in front of me before looking at Young Jae once more, whom only smiled. “That’s good. With all the cheesecake you eat, you need something healthy inside of you.”
This had to be god’s way of torturing me. Why? Well, I should have passed on already. I should have gone to the ‘great beyond’ and just moved on, but I just couldn’t. I had to make sure that Young Jae was happy once again and no, I was not going to let him kill himself. Even if he had to stay in this hallucinate state, at least he would be happy. Okay.. no, that was a bad idea.
“Hey uh.. Young Jae.”
“Hm?”
“You mind if I.. just have some of Daehyun’s food?”
“W-Why?!”
“N-No reason! I mean.. it just looks like he’s.. uh.. not hungry.”
Young Jae turned to look at the food that sat there before looking over at Yongguk. He pouted a bit, thinking for a moment before nodding. “Okay, but only because Daehyun isn’t eating that much. It’s weird though.. he always eats a lot..”
Young Jae pulled the plate away from me as he gave it back to Yongguk, whom had began eating. I could only guess that Yongguk probably didn’t want the food going, though.. since he had come here conveniently, then it was also clear that he must have been pretty hungry also.
“Wow.. this is good.”
“Really? That’s why I ordered it for Daehyun.”
“You’re good at picking..”
“Yep! Daehyun always makes me pick. He never really decides on his own.” Yongguk chuckled as the pair continued eating. I could see Yongguk looking up every now and then, worry clear within his eyes despite what the rest of his face said.
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They ate and chatted for about an hour and a half before Yongguk paid for the bill and the pair left. I followed close by, thinking about if Yongguk would continue this charade or if he would somehow finally bring reality back into Young Jae.
“So where are we going now, Yongguk?” As Yongguk and Young Jae spoke with each other, I could see Young Jae’s hand curling, almost as if he was holding someone’s hand. I raised a single brow, a bit confused before I ended up placing my hand where his was. It was clear that my hand fit perfectly and Young Jae must have noticed as he soon turned to look at me and smiled before turning back to look at Yongguk.
Was this healthy? Was he really not hallucinating and instead he was.. trying to actually date me while I’m a ghost? No. This wasn’t what I had wanted for Young Jae. He needed to get over me. He.. he needed to move on. It has only been about a month since the accident, but.. I couldn’t let him stay like this.
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“Woah! I haven’t been to an aquarium in so long! I think it was our fifth or sixth date was when I last went to an aquarium, right Daehyun?” He turned to me and he nodded slowly with a smile still clear on his face. As much as I loved his smile, I could only sigh and continue to wonder if he would be alright.
“Let’s go in. I’ll pay for our tickets.”
“That’s alright. Daehyun doesn’t really like when people pay for him too often.”
“No, I insist! It was my idea, so I should at least pay for it.”
“Well... if you say so. What do you think Daehyun?” Young Jae turned to me again and waited, nodding slowly before he turned to Yongguk with his usual smile. “Well, okay then. Let’s go.”
We walked up to the ticket salesman once it was our turn and I was a bit worried that Yongguk was going to have to buy three tickets. Luckily though, Yongguk was smart enough to send Young Jae ‘and I’ off to the doors to wait while he bought the tickets. We entered and Young Jae’s face seemed to brighten almost instantly.
“Wow! It’s really nice in here!”
“Yea. Let’s get going so that we don’t miss anything.”
We walked around for a while, stopping every now and then to look at the various displays or exhibits, or whatever they were called. Young Jae even went back to a few of them just to get another look at them. Young Jae always did love the aquatic creatures. I.. kind of felt bad for not coming here more often with Young Jae, but I guess it was too late for regrets.
“Look Daehyun, Yongguk! That tortoise is huge! How old do you think it is?”
“The plaque says it’s at least eighty-years old.”
“Wooow... I wish I became an aquatic scientist.”
“Is it called aquatic scientist?”
“Yea, I think it is.”
“What made you become a librarian?”
“Books. I love books. It’s the reason why Daehyun became a composer and a lyricist. He just.. really loves music..” I could see a small sad glimmer in his eyes before they quickly washed away with a happy look on his face. “Anyway, where do you want to go after this?”
“Hm..” Yongguk stood there, thinking for a moment. Young Jae stood up straight, looking at Yongguk with curiosity on his face. “What about if we go to the movies?”
“Yea, okay! What do you think, Daehyun?”
“Young Jae..”
“Yea?”
“I'm.." Yongguk sighed as he rubbed the back of his head. He seemed to be unsure about what he was about to say, but it really did seem like he wanted to say whatever was on his mind. "Are you alright?”
“H-Huh..?” My eyes widened. I was actually surprised that Yongguk had finally decided to ask if Young Jae was alright. I was really hoping that he was going down the path that I was thinking that he was going down. “W-What do you mean? Of course I’m alright!”
“No.. I don’t think you are. I don't.. I don't like seeing you like this. Why.. do you keep talking to Daehyun as if he’s there?”
“He is! I know he is! He touches me, he talks to me, he.. he watches over me..” Tears began forming in his eyes. He shook his head as he looked back at Yongguk. “He’s here. He’s always here, he always is!”
“Young Jae... you have to accept that.. Daehyun isn’t here anymore.”
“Yes he is! I always feel his presence! I.. always feel him..” Young Jae held my engagement ring that currently hung on a chain around his neck. He looked down at it as he slowly began crying once more. “I know he’s here.. He.. he has to be... He promised that.. he would never leave me ever again.. H-He never left..”
Yongguk placed his hands on Young Jae’s shoulders, causing Young Jae to look up at him. “Young Jae.. he is gone. You.. You have to accept that.” Young Jae shook his head as he slowly backed away from Yongguk.
“N.. No! You’re wrong! He’s still here with me! He’s with us now, on this date!” By now, people were looking their way, but I couldn’t do anything about it. Yongguk was slowly walking up to Young Jae, but Young Jae only continued walking back. Step after step, they matched each other’s pace.. at least until Young Jae found himself up against a wall.
“I.. I can’t.. I don’t.. I don’t want to..” Yongguk pulled Young Jae in, holding him closely and tightly in his arms. Despite Young Jae’s attempts to pull himself away, he soon stopped resisting before he broke down in Yongguk’s arms. “I don’t want to.. think that he’s gone..”
“I know.. I know.. but you need to move on. Daehyun.. he.. he wouldn’t want to see you like this.” I nodded in approval as I crossed my arms. Yongguk was dead on so far with my thoughts, but I was more curious with whether Young Jae would be able to do what he says or what I want. Was it really fair though?
“I.. I know.. thank.. thank you Yongguk. Can.. can you bring me home? I don’t really feel like doing anything anymore..”
“Okay.. Let’s go.”
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“You want me to sleep over for a few days? Maybe you want to sleep over at my apartment?”
“I.. I don’t know. I.. I’ll have to think about it.”
“Okay.. Well.. when you come up with an answer, just call me, alright?”
“Okay.. thank you again Yongguk.” Soon, Yongguk left and Young Jae was now in the kitchen. I stood behind him as he leaned against the counter, staring downwards a bit before he looked up at the cabinet that currently held the medications inside. He only sighed as he pushed himself away from the counter and made his way over to the balcony. Sliding open the glass door, he stepped onto the balcony and leaned against the railing.
“Daehyun.. What should I do...” Young Jae slowly began climbing onto the railing once again and I was about to try and stop him when I heard the front door open.
“Sorry for barging in, but the do- YOUNG JAE!” Young Jae turned to look at Yongguk, both sets wide as they stared at each other. Yongguk quickly ran to the balcony, and luckily Young Jae had frozen for a few seconds before he began trying to climb faster.
“Young Jae! STOP!” Yongguk took a hold of Young Jae by his waist, pulling as hard as he could so that Young Jae would get down from the railing.
“Leave me alone! I-I have to be with him! I just have to!”
“Suicide isn’t the answer!”
“It’s the only way I can be with him!”
“Daehyun wouldn’t want you to kill yourself!”
“How do you know?! What if he’s all alone and waiting for me! I-I can’t keep him waiting! I love him too much to make him suffer!”
After the constant struggle between the two, Yongguk had finally gotten Young Jae down from the balcony and back into the apartment. Yongguk sighed as he had his hands on his hips, looking down at Young Jae with a disapproving look.
“That’s it. You’re coming with me to my apartment.”
“No! I want to stay here.”
“Why? So you can kill yourself again while no one’s looking?”
“I don’t want to go!” Yongguk let out an exasperated sigh as he began walking. Young Jae turned, his gaze following Yongguk before his eyes widened. “What are you going to do?!”
“I’m going to pack your things.”
“I said I’m not going!” Young Jae got up from his seat, making his way over to where Yongguk was. “Stop! That’s Daehyun’s stuff!”
“Oh? This is Daehyun’s stuff?” Yongguk took a hold of one of my shirts and held it up before ripping it completely in half. Young Jae’s eyes widened in horror as he tried his very best to protect everything else. Sadly, Yongguk had already taken ahold of another shirt.
“STOP IT! Y-You can’t do that! Please don’t! No more, please!”
“Will you come stay with me if I stop?”
“I don’t want to go!” Without hesitation, Yongguk ripped that shirt as well. “STOP! OKAY! I’LL GO! JUST STOP, PLEASE!”
“Then start packing.” Young Jae hesitated at first before he went to quickly start packing his clothes into a large bag. It didn’t take long before Young Jae was packed and now following Yongguk out of the apartment and to his car.
“I’m sorry, but it was the only way I could get you to come.”
“I hate you..”
“I don’t care. I’m going to help you one way.. or another.”
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“Here, you’ll stay in this room.” Yongguk opened the door to one of his vacant rooms before he led Young Jae into the apartment room. I followed closely, looking around at the small room. The walls were blue and, but the ceiling and floor were white. The furniture all had a dark brown type color to them, but they all looked as if they were brand new.
“Will you be alright, or do I have to sleep here with you?”
“No.. I’m fine.. I only sleep with Daehyun..” Young Jae mumbled the last part of his sentence, but I heard if clearly. Young Jae soon sat down on the bed, crossing his arms as a pout crossed his face. “I don’t see why I had to come..”
“Because if I leave you alone, you’re not going to be able to take care of yourself.”
“I can to..”
“Anyway, I’m going to go make us dinner. You just get some rest or clean up. Just don't try to kill yourself again.” Yongguk left before he got a response out of Young Jae. I looked over to Young Jae as he made his way over to his bag and pulled it open. I watched as he pulled out one of my shirts and held it close to him as he went and laid back down onto the bed.
“Daehyun.. I miss you so much..”
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[[ My Own Thoughts:
I know, I know..
It's a shorter chapter than usual buut..
I couldn't think of anything else. xD
So for now..
Here's the third chapter. x3
At least it's more toned down than the other two. x3
And hopefully it flows well enough >.<.. ]]
Ack... I'm sorry for taking so long, but I won't be updating until tomorrow. Hopefully no one will kill me for this >.
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