Chapter 18
You Lied
It was February when I was back in the dorms. I had left China during the holidays and stayed with my parents in January before I gathered enough strength to go back to the members.
I don't know why.
I was just felt internally conflicted.
As much as my heart had re accepted Donghae, my body just tensed whenever he was around. I know he noticed and acted like nothing happened. But his eyes....
His eyes were sad.
Every night before we went back to Korea, when he thought I was asleep, he would talk out his thoughts.
I know it sounds crazy but whenever he was troubled he would.
So every night I would listen to him speak.
Some nights he would sing. The songs were different, some filled with sadness or longing, while others were joyous and happy memories. Most were regretful.
All had to do with love.
His favorite was our song, "Still You".
I knew he wrote that song for me. It wasn't that hard to figure it out. The members gave me knowing looks when we first showed them the demo.
Occasionally, those nights were filled with him conversing with me. He would ask a question then answer when he thought I would answer.
Those nights pulled on my heart strings. I sounded so cold in his view.
As I slowly walked up to the doors of the dorms, I replayed the last night spent in China before we split ways.
"Hyukjae?" Donghae whispered. I had stilled myself to make sure I made no sudden movements. Holding my breath, I felt his presence near before he stopped. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping I looked asleep.
"Huh, he's asleep...." Donghae muttered before walking over to the chair in the room we shared. After Donghae found me, I moved back to the Super Junior M dorms, thanking Kris profusely for letting me stay. He smiled and waved his hand, saying it was a pleasure as he pulled a sad Tao off me.
Since all the other rooms were filled, I was rooming with Donghae. At first it was awkward and we both avoided each other. But the next days were filled with us trying to rekindle our friendship.
It hurt honestly. We both knew we felt more than friends ever could but I couldn't forgive him yet.
I heard him softly hum "Still You" before he switched to our old song.
"Only You"
I heard his footsteps approach before he crawled into the bed next to mine and pulled the blankets up.
As the song ended, there was a pause that filled the air.
Then he spoke.
"Dear Lee Hyukjae. Eunhyuk. Hyuk. My hyukkie....."
I felt my heart speed up.
"I know you can't hear what I'm saying. Well, you don't listen to me while I ramble nonsense anyways," he chuckled. "You don't know this but every night since you've come this dorm, I've been singing or talking to you. I know you're asleep but...."
There was a brief pause.
"I can't sleep. Not since you left. With you here, I can barely sleep. I don't think I'll be able to sleep until you and I are together. Again. Hyuk, I can't go on without you. I know when we get back to Korea, you are staying with your parents. I heard you talking to the managers. I wish, no, I want you to stay. Please. I can't bear for you to leave me again. Not again"
"I miss you," he choked out. I could hear his voice breaking as he began to cry.
"I miss you. So much. I miss the way you smile at me. Not the half hearted ones now, I mean your gummy smile. I miss you fussing over me. I miss the look you have when you dance or rap. I miss you goofing off with me. I miss your hugs, kisses, your touch. I miss having you in my arms. I miss you so much it hurts," he sobbed.
I knew he was trying not to cry. He kept sniffling, try hard not to let more tears fall.
"Worse, I know I deserve it. How could anyone be loved when they hurt their lover so much?" He halfheartedly laughed as he surprised a sob.
"I don't expect you to forgive me so easy. I don't. Really. But I wish it didn't hurt this bad. I deserve it, I know, I know. It looks like I'm the crybaby now," he tried to laugh but he choked out another sob instead.
"So my dear Hyukkie, please. Despite all this, don't stop loving me. Don't leave me. Don't.....go. I love you" he said as he slowly stopped crying.
The room was filled with silence before Donghae's breathing slowly became deeper, as he fell asleep.
I got up slowly, and walked over to him.
His cheeks were wet from crying and his eyes and nose red.
He murmured in sleep and shifted.
Breathing softly, I reached out and lightly his cheek, tensing softly as my fingers made contact.
"Hae.....I-I need time. But,...I can't stop loving you"
I reached over and placed a kiss on his forehead before heading to sleep.
The memory faded as I stood in front of the dorm's door.
Taking a breath, I knocked lightly.
There was a shuffling on the other side before revealing a panting Donghae.
"Hey," I said.
"Hey," he replied breathlessly.
I felt my heart beat speed up as he stared at me.
"I'm back," I said softly.
His gaze traveled towards my bags before he broke into a soft, loving smile.
"Welcome home," he said as he opened the door wider.
I smiled. A genuine one. For the first time in what felt like forever.
"I'm home," I said as I walked in.
Singing softly, I danced along to the track in the practice room. The first week of February didn't hold many schedules so I spent most time practicing, getting back in shape. Not that I wasn't, I just missed dancing.
My thoughts were interrupted as the door swung open and Donghae walked in a water bottle.
"You left this on the counter," he said as he handed it to me.
I took it silently and drank it.
"No I didn't," I said handing the now empty bottle to him. I walked over to my bag and pulled out my water bottle.
He looked away, and I watched a blush travel across his face.
"Hae...." I asked curiously.
He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.
"I was....wonder if.... I-if you wanted to grab something to eat," he said nervously as his eyes finally met mine.
It was then I noticed he was wear the same outfit that he wore to our first date as a couple.
I stayed silent.
Taking my answer as a no, Donghae looked down before continuing.
"I mean you don't have to. I understand if you don't want to. I'm not asking you out on a date...i-I mean if you don't want it to be one it's totally not! I mean, friends hang out all the time and it's norm-"
"Hae," I said stepping forward, cutting him off.
He looked up at me, his eyes hopeful.
Right then, my mind and heart and body made peace.
I could tell in his eyes that we would never fall apart again. That I was going to be fine with him by my side again. That he loves me just as much as I love him.
"I would love to go out on a date with you" I said softly as I flashed by gummy smile.
His face broke out in awe and happiness before he hugged me
"Thank you," he whispered as he held me close.
For the first time in what felt like forever, I didn't tense
I slowly wrapped my arms around him and leaned my head on his shoulder.
I am home
~yo (hides in fortress). Yeah I know I'm horrible for not updating. I have a reason though! In December, I went to visit my grandparents in Singapore so I had no time. I got sick when got back during New Years and was out the next week. Now it's finals week but I feel horrible for not updating so here!^^; love you all for not unsubscribing.
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