Tao's POV

Bloodshot eyes. Broken glass, broken screams. Sharp, cutting words and sharp, cutting objects. Hitting with deep thuds that resounded through every bone, muscle, and sinew of flesh. That split-second before all this where this man's nostrils flared out and his mouth twisted wildly in an angry growl.

It was pain and fear glaring red. Red with blood, red with spilled cheap wine, red with the light blaring through my eyelids shut tight against the scene.

Panic. It shot through my system and left me twitching and clumsy, tripping up in a desperate attempt to get away, to hide, to reach a phone. Fingers that barely hit their marks on the buttons to dial for help. Dodging another thrown glass bottle. Breathing fast and quick as this man stumbled forward with shattered glass in his hand.

This was supposed to be my home. Pictures of my grandparents watched silently as this man rampaged in our house, destroying everything in his path to get to me.

I was pinned facedown into the rough carpet, each attempt to flail and twist burning my skin.

It hurt. My back hurt the worst with lines of liquid fire dripping from cuts I knew would scar the second I could feel them.

I was spent from my wushu lesson and each move of my limbs felt too sluggish to deal with the situation at hand. I was panicking more.

I wanted it to stop, I wanted everything to stop.

But it didn't stop, the scene played out, on and on with the destruction and pain, sometimes starting over with new pieces of memory coming back, forcing me to relive the whole moment again and again.

Anger, fury. Always wondering why. Why the rage? Why come after me? Why had he hated me from the moment we met?

Crying didn't help. Screaming, yelling, shouting didn't help. Reasoning did nothing. Begging did less. The only thing that saved me that day was the sound of sirens filtering through the windows and doors.

But the sirens weren't here this time, because this was a dream and in these dreams, the police never came. It was a slow torture my mind supplied itself and nothing would save me until I'd woken up in tangled sheets and a sheen of sweat. Even as I knew none of it was real, that it was all in the past, there would be no waking up until the memories decided they were done running their course.

I was used to this.

I was used to this, but that didn't make it any easier.

My dream self experienced all these fractured images and snatches of sound from my memory and filled in the blanks to make everything all the more terrifying. There was even a wolf stalking in the corner of the room as I fled behind the overturned dining table.

This was a first. Normally it was just me and this man in my dream. The appearance of the wolf shocked me and I felt myself on the verge of waking when I heard a voice hiccuped with strange rumbling growls that no human could produce.

“You aren't meant to be here.” it said.

***

Kai's POV

I was laying in bed, debating over whether to eat or continue lifelessly staring at the ceiling. It was already noon, but I felt weighed down to the bed, exhausted.

A text from Zitao had stirred me from my nap yesterday and made it impossible to sleep any longer on the hard bench of that dirt field. It was about a funny story of Luhan doling out justice to the pricks who kept messing with them. I had choked on my laughter as I realized that Tao still wanted to be friends even after I pestered him so much.

He needed to stop being nice. This whole thing would be easier if I could hate him or forget he even existed.

But how could I forget? He was calling me right now.

My phone played the sad tune I had set as the ringtone just for him and I now found how depressing it was to have to listen to the slow melody with his name flashing onscreen. I spared no time in answering, fed up with the song already.

“Hello?” This was the first time he's called me. Did something happen or was he feeling bad about rejecting me, I wondered? If he showed any sign of guilt, I should hang up. I didn't want to hear it. What's done was done. I couldn't take any more kindness from him.

“Ah! Kai?” Tao's voice wasn't filled with guilt (or even regret like I'd hoped). He was simply surprised, like he hadn't expected me there at all.

“You called my phone; it only makes sense that I'm the one to answer it.” I replied, annoyed at the weird flip-flop I felt in the pit of my stomach at the sound of his voice. It wasn't fair that I still felt this way. I shouldn't be so happy. There was nothing there for me to be happy about.

“I did call, didn't I?” He was breathing a bit harsher than usual, creating puffs of static.

“Tao, are you okay?”

“I'm...uh... fine.” came his voice, too hesitant and too quiet.

“If you were going to lie to keep me out of it, you should have done so immediately.” I chewed my lip and sat up. “Do you need me to come over?

“I- no. No, it's nothing. I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry.” He hung up before I could say anything else.

If Tao felt like he had to call in the first place, it obviously wasn't nothing. Making a quick decision before I could think it through and back out, I dialed in Chanyeol's number; I couldn't teleport to Tao's place if I didn't know where he lived and Chanyeol had a knack for finding people.

***

Tao's POV

It was some cruel twist of fate for me to accidentally call the last person I texted rather than Yixing like I'd planned. By the time I'd realized it, Kai had already picked up and it was too late to cancel. I wanted to talk. It felt lousy having to go through this alone and I figured since the dreams were already back anyways, I could go ahead and tell my story, but I hadn't expected Kai's sleepy drawl on the other end.

In some ways, I was a little glad to hear him speak. At least he was still alive.

That sounded conceited - as if anyone would commit suicide just because I rejected them. I had been considering every scenario over why Kai hadn't texted back last night, and I admit this thought stuck out painfully even if it didn't make any sense. It was the first time I'd ever rejected anyone and I didn't know what to expect at all. But he was okay physically enough to answer a phone. It was a relief in any case.

My fingers halted before my phone's screen as I rethought sharing my past. I didn't want to be pitied. I didn't want someone to coddle me or cry for me. I didn't even want to be held in anyone's arms. How would Lay react to hearing this? I didn't know at all. After talking about old bullies from my past, Sehun had turned affectionate. As much as I liked this about him, it wasn't what I needed. What did I need?

I needed a shower.

I felt sticky and gross. I was still sitting up in my bed after the dream and now I just wanted nothing more than to wash off the nightmare sweat. My shirt was already peeled off when I heard the doorbell ring and I couldn't stand even the thought of putting on the sweaty cloth again, so I simply held it up politely while I answered the door. I thought it would be my mom back from work, arms full of groceries and ready to share stories about her lazy coworkers. It wouldn't be the first time she's come up the stairs and used her elbow or foot to ring the bell, unable to open the door herself, and it was just about time for her to be back too. It's not like we ever got visitors.

Opening the door, it wasn't my mom staring back at me, nor a neighbor or visitor or anyone I could have expected to be here.

It was Kai.

How did he know where I lived?

***

Kai's POV

“.” I breathed out, barely believing my eyes. I came here to see if he was okay, not stumble on him half- and practically glistening in sweat. Had I come at a bad time? More importantly, should I enjoy this turn of events or break under the fact that Zitao was even more beautiful than I'd ever imagined under his clothes and I'd never be allowed to learn more?

Tao's fingers lost hold on his shirt, and I was shown even more of his tanned skin before he ducked down and scrambled to pick it back up again. It was in this moment, that I saw lines that shouldn't exist cross-hatched over his shoulders and all down his spine. My whole body tensed as if he'd frozen time's grip on me, but time was still moving, painfully slow as Tao realized his mistake. He stood up and hid a little behind the door, refusing to look up at me.

I didn't think I could hurt anymore, but this was a whole new kind of pain that burned and twisted deep within my chest with each new heartbeat. Suddenly, all those feline smiles and bright laughter that had graced his lips over the past few days seemed all the more precious. I wanted nothing more than to bring those memories back and replace the look of shame that didn't belong on Tao's features.

Was it always going to be like this? Tao had something serious from his past that hurt him here in the present and there wasn't a single thing I could do. He didn't choose me. He chose Sehun and Sehun was the only one who could hold him close if he cried or whisper assurances of safety and protection. That kid was the one who could take care of Tao, and it was killing me that I could only stand here and watch.

I had no idea what to do, what to say to make things better.

And during times like this, I defaulted to brutal honesty. It was a fault of mine, a habit that didn't always work in my favor and often made people more annoyed with me, but it was something that could stall for time while I searched for a real solution. The filter for everything stupid, insensitive, and inappropriate in my brain got thrown somewhere in the corner to make way for all the curious questions and lame, immature jokes.

“Those look painful. Did you get them all at once or over a series of days?” I asked, barging inside and taking off my shoes.

“Kai,”

“By the way, your abs are killer!” I dropped into his couch comfortably. “Did you purposely answer the door without a shirt on because you knew I was coming?” A thought came to me that I instantly wished hadn't. “You weren't expecting Sehun over, were you?

“No, I was going to take a shower-”

“Good. I don't know what I might do to him if I see him.”

“Kai, what are you doing here?” sighed Tao.

“You said you felt fine, but that's obviously a lie as you've never called me before and definitely not sounding like you just had rough - although you sounded really scared too. Were you ?” It's like my mouth had a mind of it's own. Did I really just ask that?

“No! Jongin, what the hell?”

“Oh, you dropped the nickname.” I observed. What did that mean? Did it mean something that he stopped calling me Kai or was I over-analyzing?

“How could you joke about something like that?” Tao sounded very offended. He had every right, but that didn't bring back my filter. I still had no idea how to fix everything. I couldn't just take back what I saw and forget the scars existed, especially not now that I kept bringing up the subject in the worst manner possible.

“What, ?” I continued, going with the odd flow of conversation rather than trying to fight it and take back what I said. “That wasn't a joke, that was a valid question. You sounded like you were breathing hard and you seem to be dodging the root of my questions.”

“It wasn't- It was just a dream.” Tao shook his head. “You didn't have to come over. It was nothing. I'm fine.” He looked small and defeated even as he put on a brave face, which was quite a feat for someone with his height. This was more than just a dream. There was something that had him really frightened.

“Are you having nightmares, Innocence?”

“Don't call me Innocence.” he replied instantly, head snapping up to glare at me.

“Why? Are you not innocent anymore?” I asked, sitting up straight as another unwanted thought struck me. “Have you and Sehun already-”

“That's none of your business.” Tao's cheeks were pink. He was embarrassed, but not overly defensive, so the answer was a clear no. I shouldn't have felt relieved. I shouldn't have felt any different about the news. It didn't concern me. What I should have done was leave right then, because I obviously wasn't welcome and it wasn't like he was dying.

“I guess it isn't.” I stood up, ready to leave as soon as my legs decided to listen to me, but they refused to budge until I said everything I had left to say, so I reluctantly continued, “It isn't any of my business, but I care, Tao. Even if I don't want to, I care.”

“Stop caring.”

“I just told you, I care even if I don't want to.” I told him, legs carrying me closer to him instead of out the door. This wasn't right. I should have been leaving.

Tao was turning more red and his voice picked up as he spoke. “Then stop thinking about wanting to stop and think about needing to stop, because I can't handle-”

“Can't handle what, me pursuing you? Are my feelings such a huge ing burden to you? You called me, remember? I was planning on spending my day without you in it before you interrupted-” I had stepped closer and he shrunk further away with a surprised gasp.

“Oh, that's not it at all is it?” I asked in a lower voice, taking in the signs before me in the way his eyes wouldn't meet mine and his skin never lost all of the pink coloring of his blush even now. No, no. What he couldn't handle weren't my feelings.

“Are you having second doubts, Innocence?”

They were his.

“D-don't call me that.” he stuttered, voice turned breathy and quiet because by now, I was too close, in his personal space, and a normal indoor voice would suddenly feel too grating and loud.

Why was it so easy to push him into a corner like this? I had him right up against the wall, nervously playing with his shirt. Zitao had a mole on his left collarbone that was simply enticing. It would have been too easy to take things further and find out the exact taste of the skin there when slick with sweat.

But I wouldn't take it further.

I stepped back and gave him space, not because I didn't want to be near him, breathing the same air and sharing body heat, but because I wouldn't take advantage of him when he was so scared and unstable. I was going to regret this later when I find Sehun hanging off of him, but for now, this was the right thing to do.

“Innocence... Go take your shower. I'll wait right here.” He breathed a little easier and moved away from the wall, walking around me to get to the short hall just past the kitchen. “Remember to lock the door or I will peek. It's almost guaranteed with that body. In fact, it is guaranteed. I promise you that I will peek if that door isn't securely locked.” I smiled to myself when the door shut on his aghast face, clicking audibly as the lock slid in place.

The image of Tao was right there behind my eyelids even as I heard the shower start in the other room with the real Huang Zitao.

I couldn't shut it off. The longing, the wishing, the wanting. None of it was going away, none of it would stay suppressed. I imagined running my fingers through his hair, laying a warm hand on his back, and healing the scars that couldn't be seen, the ones that could only be found when he opened his heart fully without holding a single thing back. I imagined a world where it was just the two of us in a frozen, snowglobe-like niche in time. It would be beautiful, it would be perfectly still and sweet, and it would be our little secret. I imagined him thinking of me as something special to him, even just half as special as he felt to me.

But reality wasn't like this. Reality was the sound of my stomach growling from not eating breakfast or lunch and the locked door that separated me from the single most incredible person I had ever met.

And just for the satisfaction of hearing this incredible person yell out in panic, I gave the doorknob to the bathroom a good shake, rattling it loudly before raiding his kitchen for a snack. I was disappointed to find the fridge nearly empty, save for a half-filled water bottle and an expired yogurt cup.

I wandered around the small apartment, finding a room that looked to be his, and poked around. He didn't have a whole lot of stuff, but he did have a few name brand items neatly stacked on his dresser as if they meant a lot to him. There was a bottle of cologne among these that sat atop an envelope and I scooted it over to read the card inside.

---

Happy birthday sweetie! It seems like just yesterday that I found such a cute little panda baby on my doorstep. Now look at you. You are nearing adulthood and are becoming such a strong young man. It's only fitting that I get you cologne for your birthday. I love you, baby! XOXO – Mom.

---

What did that mean, that she found a panda baby on her doorstep? Was Tao abandoned as an infant?

I guessed we all had our own past, but it felt like Tao got the short end of the stick when he deserved so much better. At the very least, he had someone who loved him like he deserved; after all, this cologne was expensive.

Smelling it brought back the memory of us in the forest, before Sehun had gotten in the way and made him think he had to change to fit Sehun's selfish need for a chemical-free environment. I wanted to keep the memory a little longer, so I stole a little - just a dab really. It wouldn't be missed. This was a small indulgence I only let myself have because Tao was showing second thoughts about Sehun, and that meant that I had a chance still.

I wouldn't waste this opportunity, even if the odds were bleak.

If only I could get him to open up. He had a lot going on in his past and I regretted not listening the first time he shared some of it with me. There was something about moving around a lot. I was stupid, so stupid and overeager to give him something to consider that I didn't let him continue. What if he never shared anything else with me because of that?

I left his room, feeling guilty about finding that card, but too busy inhaling the light, warm scent to dwell on it.

Back to the couch in the living room, I nearly sat on a remote and used it to turn on the TV, hoping to distract my stomach when it began to rumble again. There was a short story on bizarre weather patterns in our area and some kid surviving a lightning strike that got him while he was on a motorcycle, but otherwise it was the same usual drone of traffic changes and celebrity scandals. As I shut it off I wondered how long yogurt lasted past it's due date.

The doorbell rang and interrupted that thought (probably for the better, since I'd been leaning towards eating the expired yogurt despite whatever consequences would ensue).

“Tao, there's someone at the door. Should I answer it?” I called through the bathroom door.

The water shut off and I heard shower curtains being pulled on metal rings. “It's probably just my mom.” he said back. “Go ahead. And tell her I'll be there to help put away groceries in a second; I just have to get dressed.”

Groceries?

I grinned as I opened the front door, the prospect of good food taking away the last of my guilt for snooping.

***

Tao's POV

I had just closed the button of my jeans when I heard a loud crash coming from the living room and Kai's groan of pain. I yanked at the door, forgetting I locked it and fumbled to get it open. Rushing out into the hall to the living room when it finally swung free, I pulled on my shirt and took in the scene before me.

“Sehun?” He was panting, the front door wide open behind him, and Kai was rubbing his lower back as he got up from the floor.

“It's been one day.” Sehun spat out. “One whole ing day where you were supposed to be mine and you couldn't keep it in your pants? Are you ting me right now?”

“Nothing happened-” I stepped forward and stopped when I saw streaks of grey spreading in his pupils until none of the soft brown was left.

“Why is he here, Zitao? Why did you let him in?”

“He came by to see if I was alright.”

“So then why does he smell like you?” he asked through gritted teeth.

Kai laughed nervously. “That's a funny story-”

“I didn't ask you!” Sehun shouted, extending an arm out in Kai's direction.

“What are you doing?” I asked when the boy dropped to his knees, coughing and choking for air. “Stop it! Sehun, you'll kill him like that-” I grabbed his arm to pull it away and felt something sharp slicing through my arm when he pushed me back roughly.

“Good.” he scoffed, fingers closing slowly into a fist while Kai sank to the ground. “He's dead to me anyway.”

I was full-fledged panicking now, so where was my power? Why wasn't this stopping?

God, my arm hurt! There was blood staining my shirt and running down the short sleeves to my elbow. What even happened? How did he do that?

That didn't matter! How could my brain try to flee the situation when there was someone's life at stake?

“Damn it, Sehun, stop!” I grabbed the nearest item and was ready to throw it when I recognized the cold, hardness of glass under my fingertips. It was a vase and it ripped open more memories that my nightmare had missed. It slipped from my grasp and was halfway through shattering on the floor when it abruptly paused.

Kai took in a huge gulp of air and coughed it out as Sehun's power lost it's hold on him. I had to wonder at his priorities, as he took out his cellphone and immediately began snapping pictures of Sehun's face as he gasped in more sharp breaths. “He's-” Kai coughed and massaged his throat. “-Ah,”

“Don't talk if it hurts.” I told him, pulling him away from the frozen figure with eerie grey-white eyes. “I don't know how long I can keep him like this...” I admitted, worried he would spring back into motion at any moment.

“Count... c-count to ten.” he managed, taking a baseball cap off the wall hook that I hadn't worn in years, pulling it down low over his eyes before teleporting away.

He left me alone? Alone with this... thing?

Sehun looked terrifying. His face was twisted in a scowl and I couldn't get over the change to his eyes. This was worse than Chanyeol's molten orange. Did my eyes ever look like that?

I should have been counting. Kai told me to count.

“One, two, three-” I made it to a very scared and shaky eight when shadows floated and twirled behind me and I turned to see Kim Jongin standing there with two red plastic shopping baskets filled to the brim.

He panted around a wide smile. “I would've made it in four... but I stopped in the candy aisle... to pick up some gum.” He lifted one of the baskets and it looked like he had dumped every last packet in the store in there. I snatched one and ripped it open, a few pieces falling to the floor while I took a piece out of it's wrapping and shoved it in Sehun's mouth.

The instant my fingers touched his lips, time lurched forward and I cringed at the sound of breaking glass while this boy sputtered, about to spit out the gum. I threw a hand up over his mouth before he could. “From now on, I don't want to see you or even be in the same building as you if you aren't chewing gum. Got that?”

The soft color brown was returning to his eyes and I felt like crying in relief as he blinked at me, a bratty little kid once again. I could see the instant shock of regret and apology forming on his face as he nodded and I stepped away to tug on Kai's jacket sleeve. “Take me to Lay?” I asked and let myself be teleported away from the boy who stood alone, chewing stolen bubblegum and staring down at his hands like he didn't recognize them.

***

Author Note:

How much do you hate me for swinging two ships around and around with no definite choice?

Remember that feeling for later.