Chapter 5
Yes Or No (Part 1)
Room 0808
We were already lying down ready to fall asleep. It was an awkward, worth-it day. Still, I cannot sleep knowing that I have this bottled up question running through my head so, I had to ask.
“Yoong, is Donghae really your boyfriend?”
“No! I-I mean, no. He’s just a childhood friend. A big brother I never had. My dad asked him to go along with me sometimes so I won’t get lonely in the dorms.”
“But he said---“
“Yul, I told you I haven’t experienced having butterflies for someone, right? Can you hold on to that? I’m starting to trust you, you know.”
“Trust, huh? You said that you can’t trust me if I’m not being honest with myself; then Yoona, if ever I’ll end up liking a girl in the end, would you still be my friend? Would it change the way you see me?”
Silence…
“Have you felt butterflies for someone now?”
“Yes. I have for quite some time now” I admitted but I don’t know if I should admit the fact that it’s her.
“Oh. Is she from our school? Does she stay in the dorms too? Do you like staring at her eyes?”
I can’t believe that already she knew that it’s her? Practically describing herself. But, is that a hint of sadness in her voice? I guess, she doesn’t feel the same. Aish, she never felt the same from the beginning Yul. Why did you make that habit of assuming too much?!
“Yes” I had to answer painfully, knowing I’ll get dumped seconds later.
“ …I think, she likes you too” She said before getting up and leaving, leaving me inside the room in shock and disbelief.
Did she really say those words? She likes me too? Are we like official now? Is she my girlfriend? Wait, I now have a girlfriend? I’m smiling ear to ear after think about the word ‘girlfriend’ but it turned into a frown after realizing that she walked out. Is she scared? I’m terrified too.
I got up to find her. I had to clear up things. I looked everywhere in and out of the dorm for her, I even knocked on Tiffany (who’s still nearly pestering me about a date that I owe) and Seohyun’s room, but she’s nowhere to be found. I called her phone but realized that she left it in our room. Sigh. I guess, I’ll talk to her tomorrow then.
I woke up finding that she’s sleeping on her side of the bed, facing the other side. I let out a sigh of relief and wondered where she had been last night. I saw here stirred indicating she had woken up, turning to my side stretching. Her doe-eyes seemed puffy. Did she cry last night? Why?
“Yoong---“
“Let’s go out, just the two of us. You’re free today, right?” She said forcing a smile.
“Sure” I’m going to ask her later about this, about us. Right now, I’m going with her flow.
We were about to leave the dorms when…
“Hey girls, where are you going? Yoona, I brought you some jonquil since you like flowers with meanings, right? The weather’s nice today, let’s go out?”
“Donghae-oppa? Well, actually Yuri and I---“
“You’re going out? What about having a double date?” Tiffany appeared.
“Double date?” Donghae asked, confused. Of course, he would be. He’s here with 3 girls and Tiffany had to in and suggest a double date.
“You and Yoongie, me and Yuwree”
“Huh? O-Oh, so Yuri’s a…”
“Donghae-oppa, shouldn’t you be calling first before coming here?” Yoona interrupted him.
“Oh come on, Yoongie, he’s already here, might as well go together. Besides, Yuwree owe me a date”
Yoona looked at me and sighed. I just shrugged.
We were having a double date, on a mall of all places, and he said that the weather’s nice…it’s freaking dark outside…I bet it’s going to rain later. People would often stare at how close Tiffany was to me. She would cling to me, hold my free hand, intertwine our fingers…these would seem normal to girlspacefriends but it’s Tiffany, she’s exaggerating, I don’t think these is ‘the normal’.
I keep glancing at Yoona and Donghae and I always see them talking happily. They’re having the time of their lives while I whine about mine? Did Yoona really want to go out with me? Because the way I see them now, I highly doubt it. You know what, to hell with it…I’ll enjoy my time with Tiffany too. She may be a little over-the-top sometimes but I must admit, I enjoy her company too. Having her only attention is a very nice feeling to have…because I can’t have that with Yoona.
“I’m hungry” Yoona said pouting.
We’ve been strolling the mall for almost 3 hours so we decided to eat lunch at the nearest bistro, Sunny Café (Mall Branch). We’re settled, already ordered and just waiting when…
“W-wait, I think I forgot one of my bags in the ladies area, Yul can you go with me to get it?” Yoona said eyeing on me while stepping on my foot a bit under the table to refrain me from saying anything, I guess.
“S-sure” I was about to stand up when…
“Yoongie, let Yuwree stay. I’ll accompany you. I have some touching up to do anyway. “
The awkward atmosphere started when Yoona and Tiffany went to the ladies area. I can now understand Taylor Swift’s lyrics about “silence being loud” because really, I never heard silence quite this loud.
“So Yuri, you and Yoona and getting closer…but you like girls, huh?” He casually said with a hint of mock.
“I guess.”
“You guess? You’re not sure yet? But the way you and Tiffany hang earlier, I would say otherwise.”
“Tiffany and I are friends. It’s what friends do, hang. Just like you and Yoona earlier, friends hanging out”
“Yoona and I are different from you gu-…girls. If a guy and a girl went out, they’re dating. You…the way I see it in Tiffany, are dating too, in an artificial way since Tiffany could grew tired with all the fluffiness of it all.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, Yoona never told me that you’re gay, maybe she’s just being nice or probably doesn’t even care so I’ll tell you something so you wouldn’t it up getting hurt…girls like to be treated like they’re princesses but in the long run, they’re going to need more than fingers and tongue, they’ll want the real thing too and between the two of us…I have it, I only have it...so better back off because I can see that you're eyeing on my girl” He said smirking.
“I don’t like where this conversation is going anymore. Tell Yoona and Tiffany, I have to go somewhere”
I stood up and hurriedly left that jerk. I’m not really good with confrontations. I always have to leave and wrote the things I would like to say before countering the person I’m arguing with but with Donghae – nevermind. There’s no use arguing with someone so narrow-minded, particularly that that person is close to Yoona.
My phone rang for the fifth time the minute I left the café but I couldn’t answer both Tiffany and Yoona’s call. I want to be alone, alone again for once. I turned my phone off and went to the place where Yoona found me talking to myself after getting lost, the place where Yoona and I first hold hands and walked in comfortable silence before going home…this park reminds me of happy thoughts so I went here to lift the misery and rage I am feeling right at this moment.
“…girls like to be treated like they’re princesses but in the long run, they’re going to need more than fingers and tongue, they’ll want the real thing too”
“I so hate this…”
I just sit on that park…thinking, contemplating, and being a 20th century emo… for a couple of hours before finally deciding to go back to the dorms. I found a flower shop on my way back, thinking that Yoona likes flowers with meaning, so I bought one as an apology later for leaving them. It was already drizzling so I had to walk faster, using the wrapped flowers as my umbrella and when I arrived at our room’s door, I heard Yoona’s voice behind me.
“Where were you? I called for like the umpteenth time; you even turned off your phone? What’s wrong with you? Why did you leave like that? Did something happen while Tiff and I were gone?” She asked, both angry and concerned.
Yes. I walked into our room.
“No. Why are you asking me all these questions? I can’t have my space now?” I said in a higher tone after she closed the door, still holding to those flowers.
“Why are you getting angry with me? You’re the one that left? I should be the angry one.” I felt that she’s getting pissed with me too as I was with myself.
“Why would you be angry, I left you so you could have your alone time with your boyfriend?”
“W-what? Are you being serious right now? I told you a hundred times that he’s not my boyfriend! You’re being unreasonable here. What about Tiffany?”
“What about her?” I said, tightening my grip to those flowers.
“You’re all over her today. I thought she’s clingy but you are too. You really enjoyed your time with her today and you left her? Is that what you do, Yuri? After getting close to someone, you’ll leave them? You’ll leave them, acting like they never existed in the first place?” She said, almost crying.
I don’t know why but I think Yoona’s question did not only pertain to me. Like someone from her life actually left her and pretended that she never existed. I never actually ask Yoona of her life outside of school. I never even heard her mention her Mom.
But if I get closer to her, know everything about her; I’ll end up getting hurt, we’ll both end up getting hurt, just like what Donghae said. I have to stop this now before I throw everything of me for her, lay everything on the line and end up getting trampled without even having a chance to fight and protect myself.
“Y-yes. I am that kind of person, Yoona. I’ll always leave. You know why I can’t admit to myself that I am g-gay? Because in my mind, I equated gay with negative feelings of abandonment, instead of seeing it as two people enjoying each other’s company, because someday, no matter how they like each other now, one of them will start to realize that there are things that the other person cannot fully give” I started tearing up, too.
“What? The way you said it actually describe the kind of person you are. You’re gay. You’re a selfish, stupid, coward, frustrating gay who never trust people caring for her because you’re afraid of getting hurt. Newsflash Yuri, everybody gets hurt when they like someone, it is part of the ride but I-I don’t want…T-Tiffany to get hurt because of your immaturity.”
“I’m immature? Yes I am immature but also you’re blind, a blind straight. Because breaking news too Yoona, I don’t think I can hurt Tiffany by leaving because I never liked her the way you see it in the first place. I don’t abandon my friends…not Soo, not Seo, and not Tif.”
“But you can abandon me? Do I mean nothing to you? I thought I’m your too friend, Yul. I guess I was wrong”
You mean everything to me right now, Yoona.
"Yes, you’re wrong. I never thought of you as my friend…just my friend…you’re my best friend, Yoong. You’re also more than that. And I’m afraid of losing you if ever you’ll know how I feel that’s why I try my hardest to stay away from you as much as possible. I really like you that I’m afraid that we’ll both get hurt in the end. “
“I can’t decide for myself now? You already assumed that we’ll get hurt and abandon each other? Sorry to burst your bubble Yuri, because that’s not happening, because I hate you. I really hate you.”
“Don’t worry, I hate myself too…” I said before putting the wrapped spider flowers down and leaving the dorm.
Why did I leave when it’s already pouring? It’s already a storm. Geez! Me and my stupidity. It’s too dark and no people can be seen on the streets. I wanted to go to Aunt Soon Kyu’s to stay for the night but curse thunder and lightning! I stayed inside a telephone booth since I remembered a public advisory where they said to never stay under a tree when there’s lightning. I also checked if my phone’s still turned off because they said it attracts lightning too. Me and my paranoia. But I’m really scared of thunder and lightning so I just sat inside the phone booth with my hands covering my ears like a little kid.
This is still not a good day for me. The guy that’s dating the girl that I like is a jerk, she doesn’t know that he’s a jerk, I confessed, got dumped straightforwardly and now, thunder and lightning?! Who am I in my past life to deserve this?
Then I heard someone or something tapping the glass…is someone going to do bad things to me now? I looked up and saw Yoona with an umbrella.
“Why did you left like that? It’s raining heavily and there’s lighting and thunder. You should have stayed in Sooyoung’s or T-Tiffany’s room. I can’t believe how stupid you are sometimes, cowering here like a little kid.”
“I-I’m sorry, Yoong. I’m sorry for being stupid, for being selfish, stupid, coward, frustrating gay who never trust people caring for me because I’m afraid of getting hurt.”
“Yul, this is not the time. Let’s go back to the dorms first. We’re getting drenched, we’ll end up sick”
“This is the time because the rain will hide my tears if I cry. I-I know it’s being selfish again because you’ll end up wet or sick with me too and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for being a coward, for not trusting you when you’re actually starting to trust me, I’m sorry because you got hurt due to my selfishness, because I chose to protect myself than you. I understand if you hate me because of that. I’m also sorry that I confessed my being a gay and my feelings for you while we’re having a fight, I could have done better. I’m sorry for not treating Tiffany the way you want me to, but, that’s the only treatment I’m willing to give her. I’m also sorry that I left earlier, I can’t stand being near you and Donghae, it might kill me. I’m sorry for leaving and going here instead of Soo or Tiffany’s room, I am that stupid. And most of all, I’m sorry for being sorry. I’m not asking you to like me the way I do, I’m just asking you to forgive me, to start over again with our friendship and to ask you to stop hating me…because I can’t take it…I-I like, l-love you that much...and I value our friendship that is why I am really sorry.“
I finally said the things I wanted to say. I didn’t write my sentiments on a piece of paper like I always do on arguments to think what I would say, or counter what she would say…because all of it, every damn word I said...was from my heart.
After I said those things, I felt someone wrapping their arms around me, hugging me tightly, sighing. It was Yoona.
“Yul, let’s go home”
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Do you often say sorry,
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