Sehun is about to snap. This whole “finding yourself” business isn’t really going his way and he feels absolutely miserable. He decides that even if Huang Zitao doesn’t like him, it’s okay. Sehun just wants to share a part of Zitao’s life, no matter how small his role may be. He wants to stick around as long as he can.

Plus he feels like he’s going to go crazy if he doesn’t talk to Zitao so he marches into The Black Pearl a week after the “shoving you up against a wall” incident and right up to the shocked cashier.

“Let’sstopignoringeachotherandtalk.”

Zitao blinks. “What?”

“Let’s stop ignoring each other and talk,” Sehun clarifies.

“Oh,” the cashier says. “Okay. Did you find yourself?”

Sehun pauses and stares into Zitao’s deep brown eyes. They’re warm and imploring, as if they’re silently asking him to stay. He finds comfort in them somehow- that even if Zitao doesn’t have his wushu or muscles, he’s going to protect Sehun. Zitao is home.

“Yeah.”

Their relationship starts up easily again- it’s as if they didn’t stop talking in the first place. And if Zitao was touchy with Sehun before, he’s even more up close and personal. Sehun doesn’t know whether he should cry or squeal.

He does both (under the covers at 12AM so no one will hear but Luhan probably knows anyway).

The interactions make Sehun kind of believe that Zitao likes him. Well, maybe not as much as Sehun likes him, but all those whispers and nudges and fleeting touches have to hint at more than just friendship, right?

So he makes up his mind. He’s going to confess to Zitao tomorrow right after their classes are over.

Sehun tries to create some kind of speech in his head but he decides to say whatever comes to his mind when he confronts Zitao. No matter how embarrassing his words will be, at least they’ll be more sincere than a practiced mantra.

The next day Sehun is jittery. He can’t stop bouncing up and down in his seat and when Kang’s class ends, Sehun closes his eyes and prepares himself with deep breath and an inner pep talk because Luhan is too immature to give him a real one (“You should say something like... ‘Hey Zitao, you are really attractive, kind, and sweet. You make me smile when I have bad days and I truly think I’m in love with you. Your smile is beautiful and I admire everything about you, from your appearance to your heart. Also you have a nice ’.”).

He’s the only one left in the room before he heads out the door in search of Zitao. The Chinese man usually hangs around the front doors of the university to say goodbye to his many friends.

Sehun heads out there and is pleased but extremely nervous at seeing Zitao exactly where he knew he would be.

“Hey, Zi-”

The words ice over and melt in his mouth as Sehun watches the scene before him. A short man with a cat-like grin (was it Kim Jongdae? From Econ 103?) leans up on his tiptoes to whisper something in Zitao’s ear. Zitao snakes an arm around the other man’s waist. They both laugh at what the shorter said and Sehun’s eyes burn as he sees the smile Zitao directs at Jongdae.

It’s the same lovestruck smile Sehun himself sends in Zitao’s general direction 105% of the time (he knows because Luhan took a picture of him once while he was in the middle of doing it). Sehun swallows thickly and backs away, staggering. The stagger breaks into a full-out run and he doesn’t look back as he flies into his apartment.

Maybe he’s reading too much into this situation. Zitao is a naturally touchy and clingy person, much unlike his unfriendly-looking appearance, but Sehun just can’t get that smile out of his head. He can’t control the jealousy and anguish.

Maybe he’s not reading too much into this because that smile should be for him. That smile hasn’t ever been aimed at Sehun before. He’s never casually wrapped an arm around his waist. Perhaps Zitao only thinks of him as a friend.

Luhan comes home to find Sehun curled up in bed, sniffling. He doesn’t ask any questions and quietly closes the bedroom door.

A few hours later, when the tears have all dried, Sehun explains what happened to Luhan. His roommate doesn’t tell him that he’s overreacting, or being a girl, or any insults whatsoever. Instead, the older man just pats Sehun’s back comfortingly as a fresh wave of tears assaults his eyes. Then he calls the university to notify them that Sehun won’t be in classes tomorrow.

The Chinese man skips Skyping with Baozi to stay up all night to eat ice cream and watch Disney movies with Sehun.

Sometimes Luhan is a really good friend.

No matter how much it hurts, Sehun goes back to university after a restless day of taking a break. He shuffles through his classes in a daze, picking sullenly at his food and staring listlessly off into space even when Jongin tries his best to get on his nerves.

Jongin is not a good friend.

Sehun is like a stone when he sits down in Kang’s class. He takes notes dutifully and pretends not to notice Zitao’s smile. It’s not the smile he used for Jongdae and that’s the confirmation Sehun was expecting.

He sighs noiselessly into his notebook and digs the tip of the pencil harder into the paper.

“Are you okay?”

“Huh?” Sehun turns around and is met face to face with a worried Zitao. “Oh, uh, yeah...”

Zitao’s eyebrows furrow. “You sure? You seem kinda down. Do you want me to get you anything? Bubble tea is on me!”

Sehun gives him a weak grin. “No thanks.”

“Okay, now it’s obvious that something is wrong,” Zitao chuckles.

“Haha,” Sehun replies dryly. He gathers up the last of his stuff and stands. “So, um, I’m gonna go now. Bye, Zitao.” With a heart as heavy as the backpack on his shoulders, he briskly walks out the door.

It’s the same for the next four days.

Sehun always cuts off the conversations short and practically runs away so Zitao won’t pull that “shoving you against the wall” thing again. He never stops by the The Black Pearl and trains himself to look at Zitao with only a deadened and lifeless gaze in order not to betray his feelings.

The Chinese man seems to get it and restricts himself to only glancing sadly at Sehun every once in a while in Kang’s. He’s also seen around Jongdae a lot more; to the point where even Jongin (who really pays attention to no one else besides Kim Joonmyun) notices and tells Sehun about it.

He never wants to hear it.

In fact, he never wants to hear anything about Zitao. It’s like something in his ears turns off whenever someone mentions his name or the man himself talks. Sehun guesses it’s just a natural reaction so his heart won’t hurt more. It still aches a lot, though. So much.

Sehun trudges through life like he’s in a cage with iron bars and no way to get out.

He could say that Huang Zitao put him in this cage- but really, it was himself.

“Why do you keep torturing yourself?”

Sehun glances up to see Kyungsoo glowering down at him.

“Wait what the how did you get inside my apartment.”

“You are so dumb,” Kyungsoo declares. “Stop ignoring Zitao! The whole entire cafe is gloomy and he’s scaring all the customers away with his bloodshot glare.”

Sehun slowly covers his head with his blanket. “I’m pretty sure this is breaking and entering-”

“He misses you and you miss him! Can’t you just man up and apologize and have study dates again while gazing into each other’s eyes over dog diagrams?”

“I am so scared somebody help,” Sehun whimpers into the blanket.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and rips the blanket from Sehun’s grasp. “Yeah, Oh Sehun, you definitely need a lot of help! Why are you so goddamn oblivious to everything? Why don’t you understand anything when it comes to Zitao?”

“I understand one thing, and it’s that he likes Kim Jongdae,” Sehun mutters.

The other man nearly cries. “NO HE DOESN’T. JONGDAE IS JUST HIS KOREAN TUTOR AND NEW ROOMMATE. WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH ZITAO’S ARMS BUT NOT HIS PERSONAL LIFE?!”

Sehun blinks. “Wait. So. He doesn’t like Jongdae?”

“NO. Yifan would probably mutilate him if he ever tried to make a move on Jongdae.”

“Then who...?”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes (man, he should stop doing that) and responds, “Why don’t you confess to him and find out on your own instead of asking me? Use what’s in your head for once; your brain is protected by your skull for a reason, so think.” With a huff, the short man storms out of the apartment and slams the door shut.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, Luhan peeks his head out of his bedroom. “Hey, how did he get inside?

A/N: back from korea! sorry for the wait and thank you to all who gave me encouragement about my grandmother's health; she's slowly recovering

i'll be here later to fix any mistakes. apologies in advance  if you get notifications but don't see any new chapters :(