Ren sat on his mattress and studied the sheets beneath him. Minhyun's mother had died that morning and Ren didn't know how he was feeling. To be honest, he'd never let any one come close enough to him to call them a friend but the people at Pledis were changing him. For better or worse, he wasn't quite sure of yet.

 

Before leaving, he'd given his condolences to his friend who had eventually calmed down into a deadened expression.

 

Minhyun didn't come to school the next day.

 

He didn't come the day after that, either. 

 

On the third day, Ren received a card inviting him to the funeral. 

 

On the fourth day, Ren glanced over at Aron during Mr. Kang's class. He looked sad. 

 

JR was sleeping and opted not to bother Ren for the day and the blonde was relieved. 

 

Lunch was quieter than usual and Key didn't sit in Baekho's lap. It was a strange feeling for him, but Ren realized he actually missed Minhyun. Minhyun had been his first friend at Pledis and his first friend in general. 

 

Baekho seemed almost as depressed as Minhyun had been the day they'd gone to visit him, but he held his emotions in pretty well. No one had any idea what was going on in his head.

 

A week later, Minhyun came back to school. It was also the day before the funeral.

 

Aron seemed relieved and started chatting almost immediately with the lanky boy when he'd taken a seat in the dreaded Mr. Kang's classroom but Minhyun pointedly ignored him. The defiant little spark in his eyes had been washed out.

 

Mr. Kang was running late, as well as JR, so Ren took the opportunity to slip out of the class and head to the library. He didn't feel like talking to anyone, let alone someone who most likely wanted to punch him.

 

The library seemed empty enough and Ren sat down at one of the wooden tables. High shelves cornered him into a secluded pocket and light filtered in softly through a high window.

 

Minhyun's mother's death was affecting him more than he liked. He was realizing just how fatal life was. Before, he'd been safe in his naïveté from the harshness of reality, but he was no longer on his privileged throne locked away from caring. 

 

Ren poked at a stray piece of lead that had likely broken off from someone's pencil. 

 

It rolled away from him to the edge of the table where it slowly halted.

 

It was then that Ren realized he was being watched.

 

Yongguk stared at him silently. When he noticed that Ren had spotted him, he gave a tiny wave of his head. "Hey," His baritone voice rolled off the shelves surrounding them.

 

Ren pressed his lips into a small smile. "Hey."

 

Yongguk sat down across from Ren silently. He didn't say anything for a long while.

 

Finally, Ren couldn't hold back any longer. "She died. Minhyun's mom. A car accident."

 

"I heard."

 

Not realizing he'd been crying, the blonde wiped away a tear furiously.

 

"I don't know why I'm so upset." Ren scoffed through his silent sobs.

 

"Don't you?" Yongguk raised an eyebrow at him.

 

"No," Ren paused. "I do. I'm upset because Minhyun's such a good person. He's so good but he has to suffer this way."

 

"You're sad because of that?"

 

"I am, but also, I'm sad because if he's such a good person, and he's suffering so much, what's going to happen to me? I'm not a good person. I don't have any good karma protecting me. I'm selfish and mean and I'm scared. Look at me." Ren rubbed his eyes. "Even now I'm thinking of myself. I wish I'd never come here. I could still be in my naïveté and I would be happy."

 

Yongguk watched him quietly. "I don't think you're scared because you're afraid of something like this happening to you, I think you're scared because of how upset this has already made you. You're scared because you're no longer ignorant. You're scared because you're already hurting and you don't know why. I'll tell you why. It's because you're human. You're realizing you're human and that scares you. People's lives, they affect you already."

 

"Isn't that the same thing?" Ren snorted.

 

"To me it isn't." 

 

Looking over his shoulder, Ren used his shirt to dry up more tears that were beginning to fall more rapidly. "I don't want to care about others." He said defiantly, his steady voice wobbling slightly.

 

"Too late."

 

A sob escaped him and the noise echoed along the shelves. He could see dust particles floating through the sunbeam the window was creating and he watched them intently until he felt his throat relax.

 

"Do you care about others?"

 

"I don't have anyone to care about." 

 

"Do you want someone to care about?"

 

Yongguk paused. "Yes."

 

Ren didn't turn around to look at him.  "Why?"

 

"Because it means people care about you."

 

"People don't care about you?"

 

There was another pause. "I don't know."

 

Ren decided to stop for now. "The funeral is tomorrow."

 

There was no answer.

 

"You should come."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because you could get people to care about you if you cared about them."

 

Yongguk let out a short laugh. "I don't know Minhyun."

 

"Get to know him."

 

"Why do you care whether or not I have friends?"

 

"Because I didn't realize what I was missing until I got some. I thought I had it all. This pain, it feels good compared to the machine I had instead of a heart for so long. Caring feels good despite how much it hurts."

 

"I believe you."

 

"Then make friends." Ren whirled around and stared at Yongguk's deadpan face. "Just make some friends."

 

"I don't need friends."

 

"Am I your friend?" Ren watched him. When he didn't get an answer, he asked again.

 

Yongguk sighed. "No."

 

"I want to be your friend."

 

A look of shock crossed his face and Ren guessed no one had ever said that to him before. "Why?" The older's voice dropped an octave lower, if it was possible.

 

"I already told you why."

 

Yongguk looked at the ground, his eyebrows forming into a frown. Without another word, he stood up and left the table.

 

Ren watched him leave. Following would be pointless, and trying to continue the conversation would be useless. Either way, he'd felt the crack in Yongguk's wall.

 

***

 

The funeral could only be described in one word: dry. Everything about it seemed dry and lifeless to Ren. The black suits and dresses, the already withering flowers, the hot day on which it was held - it was all dry.

 

The only things that weren't dry were the numerous eyes that watched the black coffin being slowly lowered into the ground.

 

Minhyun didn't cry, but Ren saw his shoulders shaking from the effort not to. He was steadied by Baekho's arms. 

 

The blonde boy himself looked very different today. His piercings were gone, and his usual Mohawk layed flat against his head. His eyes held a steely sense of resentment as if he was angry at Minhyun's mother for dying. Even so, a thick cloud of grief hung heavily in his eyes.

 

Ren was wearing a black suit as well. No pink accessories adorned the pockets or hem. In fact, he looked almost identical to every other monotone face surrounding the grave except for his bleached hair and small white lily in his left pocket.

 

Key and Minho stood a few yards away to his left, and he could spot Minhyun's father kneeling before the grave, saying a few prayers before letting a handful of dirt trickle through his fingers.

 

There was no wind that day, making the dry heat even more unbearable. The sun beat down harshly, not taking a single day for mourning.

 

The funeral was over within two hours and Ren was slightly relieved. He gave more condolences to Minhyun and his father before striding away to his waiting car.

 

The chauffeur held the door open fo him and drove away immediately.

 

"Turn the air conditioning up." The blonde snapped, bitterness welling in his throat.

 

When they arrived at Ren's house, he bolted up to his room and locked himself in. He ignored the calls from the maid pleading him to let her clean and change his room.

 

He stayed huddled in his room for the rest of the weekend. 

 

Ren was scared to admit it, but he missed his parents. He missed his mother's sparkling eyes and excited voice. He even missed his father's cold demeanor. Sure, they might not have payed much attention to him, but they were still his parents, and right now, he wanted them desperately.

 

***

 

School on Monday was quiet. People stayed away from Ren and his friends. They'd probably heard about Minhyun, though no one acknowledged it to their faces.

 

Baekho shouldered most of the conversation at lunch. He talked about anything and everything. Once Ren realized he was trying to distract Minhyun, he joined in halfheartedly.

 

The two of them tried everything but it seemed like Minhyun had forgotten how to smile.

 

Key and Minho were absent so it only pushed the awkwardness level up.

 

"Why don't we go to the beach?" Baekho finally offered.

 

Minhyun looked up, seeming interested for the first time in the entire conversation. "But it's like a four to five hour drive." He said, his eyebrows creasing into a frown.

 

"Um, I do have a driver, remember?" Ren opened up a compact mirror and began fixing his eyeliner that had smudged.

 

"Yeah, I know a guy who'll give us a room for the night. C'mon Minnie, you used to love the beach!" Baekho urged his friend, a glint of hope sparkling in his eyes.

 

There was a pause. "I don't know. Tomorrow is a school day..."

 

"Screw school! Let's go to the beach. It'll Do you good. I know it will." Baekho tugged on Minhyun's arm lightly. 

 

"Ok." He conceded quietly.

 

"I want to invite Yongguk too." Ren put in, puckering his lips to the mirror. Satisfied with his looks, he clicked the mirror shut and looked Baekho dead in the eye. "My car, I can take who I want."

 

Baekho looked doubtful but nodded his head. "Yeah, okay."

 

"Great." Ren smiled sweetly.