ughh I'm really not all that satisfied with this but uuup it goes..ha..ha...okay sorry guys this kinda T_T"

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                Half the kids in my grade kiss up to me and the other half hate me. I’m sorry I’m quiet. I’m sorry I don’t like you that much. I’m sorry I don’t want to hang out.

                I’m sorry I’m rich.

               I can’t help it. I can’t help it. I swear I can’t. I wish I could give it away and just fade into the background but the kids at my school won’t let that happen. I’m popular and I’m miserable. The other popular kids, sorry, I meant my friends, are all rich, too. But they’re friendly and happy and they love being in the spotlight. I’m good looking and I’m rich, but I’m awkward and I’m quiet and people think I’m stuck up. It’s annoying. Do you know how tiring it is to have to fake laughing at jokes you don’t think are funny? To fake liking people you don’t?

               Every. Single. ing. Day.

               It would be so much worse if I didn’t have her, though. I don’t know how I fell for her so hard, but I can’t help it. Just thinking about her makes my chest hurt and she makes dragging myself to school every day worth it. And when she calls my name- oh. That beautiful way she—

               “Luhan!”

               Well. Speak of the devil.

               “Yeah?” I ask, looking up from my lunch table at her.

               “God, you’re so quiet. It’s weird,” she laughs.

               We’re not even close enough friends for her to know just how perfectly normal quiet is for me, and I’m madly in love with her. I’m pathetic.

               “Me? I’m fine,” I respond, letting out a little laugh. “Just screwed for the math test next period.”

               “Ohhh shoot,” she sighs. “Shoooott, Lu, come help me. I totally forgot and I was lost on yesterday’s homework.” She jumps up from the bench, discarding her lunch quickly before she’s at my side, tugging on my arm. “Come, come, come, pleeeasee,” she begs.

               She doesn’t need to. I’m already her slave. “Fine,” I say, forcing out a carefree laugh. “I’ll try but no promises.”

               She laughs, that gorgeous sound that makes me feel lighter and fall harder. “Oh, you’re a genius, I’ll be fine.”

               We’re almost past the whole table now when a hand tugs on her waist and she lets out a cute little sound of shock before falling onto his lap.

               “Oh, stop it, I’m in a hurry,” she scolds, but she’s laughing anyways, looking up at him with loving eyes.

               He smiles back at her. “Trying to get away without saying goodbye?”

               “I’ll see you next period,” she rolls her eyes, but she leans down and presses a kiss against his lips. I have to look away when I see her lean down and kiss him again. Once I can tolerate. Once is enough. That’s enough.

               “I have to go now,” she laughs, and then she’s back at my side, grinning.

               “Did you finish last night’s homework?” I ask as we walked along the corridor.

               “I…tried,” she chooses her words carefully before laughing again. She’s always happy. Always smiling. Always making others around her smile. “Oh, Lu, you know me. I almost failed 6^th grade math and that stuff was easy compared to freaking calc!”

               “You’re lucky I’m nice,” I send her a smile, and she laughs.

               “Oh believe me I thank the heavens every day my best friend is a genius.”

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               It’s a tradition we have. Every winter break we watch reruns of Sailor Moon together. It’s ridiculously embarrassing, and our friends teased me to no end when they found out, but I wouldn’t give up those times for anything. I wouldn’t give up any time with her.

               The doorbell rings and I jump up, hurrying to the door. My parents are out and my little brother’s upstairs, so I’m the only one to do it.

               “What’s up, Lu?” she asks, smiling, her long hair in loose waves over her shoulders. She’s wearing black leggings with a long sleeved tshirt and boots, which she sheds once she’s in the door to reveal a pink pair of fuzzy socks. She totes a brown paper bag, which holds our snacks, which I promptly take away from her.

               “Wutcha got?” I ask, peering in.

               She laughs, grabbing the bag away from me again. “Calm down, no nuts for the Princess, I know.”

               I pout at the nickname, and she just smiles, and I can’t even pretend to be mad anymore. “Oh good at least you’re not trying to kill me anymore,” I shoot back.

               “Oh how long are you gonna keep that over my head?” she pouts. “That was years ago.”

               I shrug. “As long as it stays relevant.”

               She laughs, leading me through my own house to the theater room she knows so well. “Well gee guess I shouldn’t hold my breath, then,” she sends a smirk back at me before plopping down onto the couch. “Ah, my favorite room in the world,” she sighs, leaning her head back against the plush piece of furniture.

               I take my seat at the other end of the couch, leaning against the armrest carefully.

               I press play; the program already started on the TV. She pulls out a bag of Sour Patch Kids and I hear the crinkling of the wrapper as she pours a few into her hand. “Ugh, yellow,” she cringes. “Hey, heads up, Lu.” She tosses the bright candy over to me, which I catch in my mouth, making her smile. “See, your favorite’s yellow, and I hate them. That’s why we work out as best friends,” she laughs.

               I have to take a moment to calm my pounding heart before I can properly respond. “Yeah, but the Sour Path Watermelon are still my favorite,” I point out.

               “Oh no. I’m losing credibility as your best friend,” she heaves dramatically.

               “Eh, you’re close enough,” I say, shrugging.

               “It’s the first night of summer Lu!” she exclaims over the phone. “You can’t not come out with us.”

               Us. Our friends.

               The ones she fits so much better with than I do.

               “I don’t know…” But my resolve is already weakening, hearing her voice, that tone she always uses to ask me to do something.

               “Oh let yourself have fun. I proomise I’ll have you back by midnight, okay?” She’s kidding, but the thought of her leaving our friends to be with me, even if it’s just to carry out the chore of taking me home, makes me happy.

               “Fine…fine,” I sigh. “Where?”

               “Ahh atta boy,” she laughs lightly. “The karaoke place by school. Just get there ASAP.”

               “Alright, I’ll be there.” I’m about to ask her if she needs a ride, after all I had been the one to take her everywhere when I had gotten my license and she still hadn’t, before I remember that it’s not like that anymore, and her boyfriend will be driving her. “See you.”

               “Mm yup, bye Luhan~” she sing-songs into the receiver before hanging up.

               I set my phone down on my bed, pulling myself up and away from my laptop to look myself in the mirror. Big eyes, shaggy blond hair, skinny, pale. I was never self-conscious before. I got called pretty and cute a million times a day and I took it as a compliment.

               Now I hate it.

               Because her boyfriend could never be mistaken for a girl, and he’s strong and athletic and he looks it. All the years I’ve played soccer, all the accomplishments I’ve received from doing so, none of it matters if I still look pre-pubescent.

 

               “Ay, it’s Luhan,” Yuri calls out, swinging an arm around my shoulders. “There’s our resident cutie pie, we were getting worried.”

               A smile appears on my face, not really because I’m happy, but because that’s what I’m supposed to do now. “Miss me?” I ask, sending her a joking look.

               “Of course.”

               “Hey, finally,” Chen greets. He’s nice to me. He’s really nice and I don’t even consider him a friend.

               “Hey,” I greet back. I head deeper into the room, talking briefly more people as I go. There’s at least a few dozen kids packed into one of the larger rooms here, and it’s hot and crowded. I’m starting to regret coming, but then I hear her call my name. My sensitive ears instantly pick up on her voice, and I spin towards her direction, where she’s contentedly holding onto her boyfriend’s arm.

               “Luhan!” she waves at me, her signature grin adorning her face.

               “Hey,” I smile at her, and I can almost pretend for a moment, until I hear her boyfriend greet me as well. I send him a half-hearted response, tearing my eyes away from her for at least this moment.

               “I’m glad you came. You never come out with us,” she points out, raising an eyebrow at me.

               I shrug and make a non-committal noise.

               “Yeah, I’m beginning to be afraid you don’t like us anymore. Got some other friends?” It’s a joke, and everyone takes it as one. But I can hear the bitterness in his voice. Others talk to me in that way, too. They think I’m stuck up because I don’t hang out with them much, that I’m condescending because I’m quiet when I do. Well what do they want? They judge me either way.

               “Other friends? Nahh you guys are my one and only,” I disagree quietly.

               He laughs loudly then, clapping me with firm force, almost painfully, on the shoulder. “Right. I’ll keep that in mind,” he calls as he passes me, pulling her in tow.

               “Bye Lu!” she calls over her shoulder.

               I spend the next few hours drifting from group to group. Sometimes I go up to sing, and everyone insists I do it more, but I don’t like to. It draws too much attention to me, and truthfully, there are others that are as good as me. There are others that are much, much better than me. I’m nothing special.

               It’s just after 11 when I’m getting too fidgety to stay much longer, the pounding music resonating in my heart and making me uncomfortable. I think about leaving, just walking out, without telling anyone. After all, she won’t care. She’s probably with her boyfriend, with one of the dozens of friends that love her, but then I remember that she’s not the one that cares, I do, and I can’t pretend not to. So I push through the crowds a bit more and finally see her on the couch between a few girls. She’s looking up at the stage where her boyfriend is singing loudly with a few of his closer buddies, laughing and making a joke out of it.

               “Hey,” I call when we make eye contact. “I think I’m gonna…I’m gonna head out now.”

               She frowns before pushing herself off the couch and over to me. “Already?” she asks. “It’s hardly 11. Come on, we’ve got no more school! Let loose, relax!”

               I almost agree again, but I firmly command myself to not lose my wits. “I’m sorry. I’m kind of tired…”

               She nods. “Well do you at least want me to come with you?”

               My heart pangs at her words. It’s not a matter of knowing whether she means them or not, I know she does, we’re close enough for that. But I don’t want to pull her away from the life she so well fits. Not like I’ve pulled myself away. “It’s okay,” I say, shaking my head.

               “Are you sure?” she verifies, to which I nod. “Aaalright. Well. I’m glad you came out, okay?” She gives me that look and that soft smile that she can never fake, and my heart squeezes.

               “Me too.” It’s true in that moment.

               “It’s just so ing annoying, you know?” She hardly ever swears, only when she’s positively seething. I can hear the anger in her voice because of her boyfriend, and I’m mad, too, that he has the audacity to treat her badly. But there’s also a twinge of happiness. That maybe he’s not absolutely perfect for her like everyone thinks.

               “I know.”

               “Like, God, would it kill him to act like a gentleman for once?” She’s probably pacing right now. Four steps forward, four back the other way.  

               You deserve better. End it with him. They’re words I can’t say.

               “You should talk to him. He probably just doesn’t know. Teenage guys…we’re…we’re careless. We don’t know anything.”

               “Yeah?” she asks, letting out a little laugh. “I dunno, Lu, you always seem to know exactly what’s going on.”

               “I’m different.” I’m in love with you.

               Here, she laughs harder. “Oh are you?” she asks jokingly. “Well I guess that’s good for me.”

               “Yeah, I guess.”

               “Hm. Lu, you’re the best. You know that right? I have no idea what I’d do without you.”

               She’d be fine. I without her, however, that’s different. “Probably cease to even exist.”

               She laughs. “Probably. Well, I’m gonna try…calling him. Thanks, Lu, you’re the best. Bye.”

               I don’t have to respond for the line to click dead.

               She’s crying in my arms. And she’s upset and she’s heartbroken and her sobs are making me shake because they sound so alone. But this is the girl I’m in love with. How can I be upset that she came to me when her boyfriend broke up with her?

               “It’s okay,” I whisper into her hair, running my hand up and down in what I hope is a comforting manner. I’m not quite sure, and my hands are trembling as I do it. “You’re better than him.”

               She lets out what I think is a laugh at this point, but it’s bitter and hollow. “I don’t feel like it. I bet he’s fine. He’s fine. And I’m—I’m…” she breaks down again, a hiccup catching in .

               I pull her closer to me, nudging her face up to look at me. Her pale cheeks are tear-streaked, her hair is pulled back messily, not like at school, and she’s not wearing any makeup. But she’s beautiful. She’s gorgeous and breathtaking and wonderful. “Stop it,” I tell her firmly. “He’s trash, and he’s in the past now. You’re so perfect and if he gave that up then I have no idea what the hell he’s looking for.” It’s so cheesy. It’s painful to my own ears, it’s cheesy because everyone says it, but to me, it’s completely true.

               She’s stopped crying now. She looks up at me with shining eyes, slightly red and swollen. And without thinking, I lean down and lightly kiss one of her eyelids, tasting the slightly salty tears that were caught on her dark eyelashes.

               She’s rigid in my arms, and I instantly backtrack. “I’m—I’m sorry.” It’s all I can manage. I can’t believe what I just did. So careless. When she’s like this of all times, too! I’m really something…

               It’s silent for a few more moments, then she closes her eyes, and she looks, dare I say?, happy? “I know you like me Luhan,” she whispers. She opens her eyes                and meets my gaze. “And I think I like you, too.”

               And with those 7 words I’m not even in the room anymore. I’m soaring above land, sky, clouds. I’m a thousand feet up and she’s there with me.

               She lets out a little laugh. “If you’ll have me, that is,” she adds.

               That gets me down. “Of course,” I whisper, leaning down to kiss her.

                I can’t make her happy.

                I know I can’t.

                I see it in her eyes when she smiles, or rather, I don’t see it. Not anymore. But then again, did I ever? Have I ever made her truly happy? Or was I always just the rebound, the best-friend-I-guess-I’ll-give-a-chance, the pity date? My heart squeezes at those thoughts. And even though I’m unhappy knowing how unhappy she is, I can’t bear to let her go. I’m too selfish. I can’t push her away.

                Because even if I can’t make her smile, I won’t make her cry.

                Even if I’m not enough, I’ll never be insufficient.

                Even if she wants someone better, she’ll never dislike me.

                And even if she doesn’t love me, I’ll always, always love her.

                Even if I’m not enough. 

 

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ALSO. HAHAHHAAHHAAH OMFG I DONT EVEN SHIP HUNHAN BUT SEHUN'S FACE IN THE FIRST PHOTO....XDDD