Sungyeol hates himself. He hates the way he looks, speaks, sings, (I can barely sing, he thinks.), walks, and the list goes on. He hates it when the managers had told him and Myungsoo to ‘act’ as a couple whatsoever. He doesn’t hate Myungsoo. No, he doesn’t. He would never hate the guy; he’s madly in love with him instead.

It was almost funny he has thought, when the managers told them to do so, he also told Myungsoo to be extra clingy to him. He doesn’t hate the idea of having Myungsoo’s breath around his neck actually, or Myungsoo’s arm around his waist. It was dumb he has thought, for them to say, “Don’t be L when you’re doing the fan service. Be Myungsoo.” How could they ask a person to be bipolar like that? L and Myungsoo are two different person for Sungyeol. L is L the guy on screen. Myungsoo is Myungsoo, the guy that always climbs to his bed every night, giggling, talking 'till dawn (or until they got scolded by Sunggyu). 

He hates it when he found himself has fallen too deep for the younger, for the fan service (that’s what they called) makes him wanting more. For every need of Myungsoo’s touch reminds him that it’s just merely an act. He hates it a lot when he realized he wants need it to be real. 

He hates himself even more when he found jealousy has begun to grow. He hates the managers even more when they told Myungsoo to do a magnae line couple. He hates it when he found out tears were forming when the managers uttered the word MyungJong. He hates himself for being not good enough for Myungsoo they have to create another pairing.

He hates himself.

He despises himself when they started doing all the fan services. Sungyeol sees the way Sungjong reacts when Myungsoo initiated skin ships. He despises himself more when he knew he began to hate Sungjong. It wasn’t his fault. He reassured himself.

It was my fault.

Sungyeol despises himself for being not good enough. He has never minded when he doesn’t get any lyrics for their song, I cannot sing anyway. He doesn’t really care when he read nasty comment about him being useless, I am, and it makes the two of us then. But he minds, for every night Myungsoo came to his room and snuggled closely to him after doing his MyungJong thing. He minds when Myungsoo said, “It was for a fan service Yeol. Sungjongie knows I don’t really want to kiss him.” He hates it. For he can’t say the things he wants to say to Myungsoo, no he cannot. He doesn’t own the guy.

Sungyeol hates himself when he found himself drowning in happiness, when Myungsoo kissed him. Off screen, for sake. He hates himself a lot, knowing Myungsoo will still be doing his MyungJong thing at day. He hates himself for letting his lust overcome his trust every time Myungsoo kisses him. He hates it, for having a hidden relationship like this. He hates himself when Myungsoo whispers “Sorry…” for every time he does the fan service with Sungjong, he was sorry for his action, that can’t be undone. He hates himself for the pain has settled permanently in his head, for the wound has carved forever on his heart, and for the cut, has been tattooed on his skin.

He hates himself even more when he found Myungsoo was screaming at him and tears flowing down to his cheek. He hates himself for not being able to give Myungsoo an answer. How should I tell him why I did this to myself? He thought. For every justification he’s about to give he knew the exact answer why. He hates it… When Myungsoo screamed in frustration telling him, “We’re idols for sake, what do you expect?! You know exactly how I feel about you. Only you. I have never love anyone like I love you. And I thought, you, from out of all the people would have understand my position as I, myself have to see those WooYeol banner. Have you ever. EVER thought that I also feel the same way you feel about me and Sungjong?! I despise myself for saying sorry each time I do the fan service, for I know exactly, I have been saying sorry constantly, yet I will. I ing will do it again for the ing company. We are NOT ordinary people Yeol! YOU out of all the people should have known that!” 

Sungyeol hates it when Myungsoo slammed the door and darted to Hoya’s room. No. Sungjong’s room. Sungyeol hates it when he looked at his wrist; Myungsoo’s word rang in his head. “It’s on repeat, the meaning will wear eventually. Sometimes, sorry doesn’t cut it Soo…” Myungsoo glared at him and gritted,

“Sorry doesn’t cut it? Isn’t that obvious? For you have done the cutting by yourself.”

Sungyeol hates it, when he found himself standing in front of Myungsoo. And finally be able to say his reasons, that he should’ve said it from the beginning.

“You. For the cuts, for the tears, for the laugh, for the sweat, for the blood, for the fans, for the dreams, for my love, and for myself. You. You are the reason for each and every one of them.”

And for the first time, he doesn’t hate himself when Myungsoo kissed him. For the first time, he sees himself good enough for someone.