Namsoon dropped the last box with a thud, the collision shooting up a cloud of dust making him cough as he bent over to lean on his knees, catching his breath. He wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand and looked around at his new apartment. It was the type of place that was immediately familiar. It looked strikingly similar to the place he had during high school. Small, just enough room for one person, but cosy enough.  

Namsoon stood up straight, regretting the suddenness as his hand reached towards his side. It had been a few weeks since his discharge, the pain on his torso had lessened considerably yet it still stung when Namsoon overexerted himself. He breathed heavily before he gathered himself and began searching through the boxes looking for his prescribed medication.

 He didn’t have much stuff. He didn’t bother with taking the little things when he left for good. When he bought all that stuff with Heungsoo, he never considered the possibility of having to decide who owns what. That was something he never had to do with the boy; ever since they were young. What was Namsoon’s was always Heungsoo’s. And likewise.

Namsoon sighed as he changed the subject in his head. Today was not another day of thinking of the past. It was a day of doing, a day of new beginnings and starting afresh.

He found his box of medications and uncapped the bottle dropping two pills in his hand. He walked to the sink and the tap as he tilted his head sideways, his mouth catching the water as he gulped down the pills. His phone beeped in his pocket. He took it out and glanced at the caller i.d.

Ha Kyung.

He toys for a second, contemplating whether to finally pick up. She had rang twice before and he didn’t want her thinking he was ignoring her calls on purpose. He enjoyed himself last week when he took her out. But the whole night was laced with something which felt wrong. He didn’t have feelings for the girl. Nothing beyond a good friend.

He felt cowardly as the call finally ended. He really needed to talk to Ha Kyung, the last thing he wanted to do was lead her on. But he just didn’t have the effort to find the words. One thing they don’t tell you about heartbreak is that it is hard to speak afterwards. Hard for words to form into coherent sentences which then have to leave his mouth. No. Instead he was left with a dry throat and thunder in his brain which never stopped screaming for Heungsoo.

 But all that was over now.

He walked back to his bare room and lay on the cold floor. He lay like that until he fell asleep, his breathing eventually growing deep and even. He stayed there all night until the first rays of sunshine broke the horizon.

--

There was only one other customer in the coffee shop, an old lady sat in the far right corner who kept on staring at Heungsoo so intently it unnerved him. He huddled over his newspaper feeling slightly creeped out. He had spent the last few days looking for a new job. He wasn’t picky, anything which could pay the bills would do. He circled an ad in the newspaper for a delivery boy before dropping his pen with a sigh and gripping his face with his hands. It was hard, trying to move on. Pretending to forget everything which happened as he struggled to get his life back on track. It was the hardest thing Heungsoo has ever had to do. He was trying so damn hard to not think about anything, he knew if he began thinking it would just lead to more pain, more heartache.

“Hey man,” said a nasally voice behind Heungsoo. He looked up to Jaewon pulling up a chair next to him. “Found anything good?”

“Nothing much,” Heungsoo says, shaking his head. He buries his face in his hands and hunches his shoulders over as Jaewon pulls the newspaper towards him.

 “You really need to find something suited to your skills. Have you called up the local schools asking if they have any p.e teacher vacancies?

Heungsoo shook his head, clutching his now cold cup of coffee in his hands.

“Then that is what you need to do .” Jaewon rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. He studied Heungsoo tired face for a moment.

“How are you doing?” He asked in a softer tone.

Heungsoo contemplated telling him the truth. The truth that everyday felt like a month and he didn’t know how much more he could endure. He was drowning in a sea of self-hatred. But he couldn’t tell Jaewon that. Tell Jaewon about the frightening thoughts he has at night. The terrible things that ran through his head.

Love was never meant to hurt like this.

“Fine. Better.”

Silence fell between the two.

“I think I know what you need.” Heungsoo looked up at the man with a questioning look. “You need a good boy’s night out. I know this place with the hottest chicks. And guys,” he said as an afterthought. “You should embrace the single life my friend.”

Heungsoo just looked down, pretending to study the newspaper. The idea of even going to another girl or guy made his stomach churn. If it can’t be Namsoon then it can’t be anyone. His lips hurt when he clamps down on it.

 “So what do you say? Want to hit the town tonight?”

“No,” he says with finality.  He folds up the newspaper and stands up

. “I really should get back-“

“Look Heungsoo. I know that you are having a hard time. I know that you feel hopeless or sad or whatever you want to call it, but I’m just trying to help you. I want you to be happy.”

Heungsoo looked at his friend. He sighed before clasping a hand down on the man’s shoulder.

“I know, I’m sorry.” He paused for a moment. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been here.”

Jaewon stood up with a smile.

“Then you can pay me back by coming out this Friday.”

--

Heungsoo drove home quietly. He parked his car outside the house and turned off the engine as he looked up at the place. It was becoming increasingly tiring to return home every day. Even staying in the place was suffocating. When Namsoon left, he was thorough with taking what was his, but his presence still swarmed the place. The things they used to share, the stuff in the kitchen, even Namsoon’s side of the bed. It all just brought more and more mind numbing sadness to Heungsoo. Brought the ache right to the surface, making it impossible for Heungsoo to even pretend to move on.

Heungsoo got out his car and entered his house dropping the keys on the table. He took off his shoes and walked into the small lounge, switching on the TV. It had become his routine. Leave the house as early as possible. Then return home as late as he could. Watch TV until his body is too exhausted to carry on and all again the next day. He stared lifelessly at the TV.

 Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to ring up Kang Joo just to see how Namsoon was doing. His surgery was a success but were there any aftereffects or repercussions? Heungsoo took out his phone, his finger searching for Kang Joo’s name in the contacts. He hovered over the number before throwing the phone down in anger. What was he doing? How stupid could he be? Of course he knew Namsoon was ok. He saw him only a few weeks ago with Ha Kyung. He looked healthy, looked happier than he had done in a long time. Heungsoo wasn’t going to screw it up for him anymore. He promised himself that night he saw them together that he was going to let the boy move on in peace. Without him.

Heungsoo closed his eyes fighting back his tears. He felt tired to the bone. This wasn’t living. This wasn’t moving on.

--

The week had passed slowly. Heungsoo found himself sat in a staff room office wearing a suit he hadn’t worn in two years waiting for his interview. He followed Jaewon’s wishes and rang up the local schools and luckily one school nearby was looking for a new sports coach since the old one was retiring.

He waited silently in the staff room, picking at his nail. He could hear some of the female teachers whispering to each other. He did stand out. He was almost two feet taller than most of the people in the room. The door slid open and a man entered.

“Park Heungsoo?” The man called attentively. He walked over to Heungsoo and stood, his eyes widening. He clapped his hands loudly.

“I knew it! I recognised your name immediately. It has been a long time Heungsooah!”

Heungsoo studied the man’s face before he reached forward to shake his hand. It was his old soccer coach from middle school. The soccer coach who promised to take him to the professional league before his accident.  His hair was tinged with strands of grey and his face was raw with living. Heungsoo bowed his head low as the coach gripped his hand tightly, a smile covering his face.

“I never thought I would see you again Park Heungsoo. This is a pleasant surprise. Please, take a seat.”

Heungsoo sat down, his mind feeling more alive than it had done in a while.

“Coach what are you doing here? When did you move to Seoul?”

The coach smiled.

“Ah it was not long after you left my dear boy. Thought I would come into the city and see what talent I could find out here.”

He leaned over and coughed heavily into his hands.

“The years have been heavy on me. I have grown old and it’s time for me to move back home. Get some good clean air out of the city. So I am looking for a replacement.”

The coach paused for a moment and looked down at Heungsoo’s leg. Heungsoo knew what was coming before the man even said it.

“How is your leg these days?”

Heungsoo fell silent as he swallowed. Talking about his leg injury was the last thing he thought he would be doing. He hadn’t spoken of the injury in a while. Over the years, it was mentioned less and less between him and Namsoon. Like the wound was slowly healing until it became a few sad glances whenever Heungsoo winced in paid when his leg was playing up. Or a nervous caress from Namsoon whenever he woke up from one of his bad nightmares. Heungsoo would just embrace the boy until his eyes smiled crescent moons again.

“It’s fine. It doesn’t bother me much anymore. I can pretty much do everything I used to, within moderation.”

The coach’s eyebrows furrowed deeply.

“You know I never did find talent out here. Yes I came across a few good players here and there but there was no one who shone a light on you.”

Heungsoo felt his throat close up.

“It’s terrible what that boy did to you. What was his name? Go Minjoon? Go Namjoon?”

“Namsoon,” Heungsoo croaked out.

 He paused like his mind was remembering the past. He shook his head as he tutted.

“I knew he was bad news. Always holding you back from your true potential. That’s why I wanted you to leave that dreadful gang you were caught up in. I never knew that it would lead to...”

He stared down at Heungsoo’s leg. Heungsoo shifted consciously, the topic making him feel very uncomfortable.

“You could have gone major league. By far the best player I have seen in my lifetime. Losing you was one of the biggest disappointments in my career. You were destined for big things son.”

Heungsoo just nodded. His mind was very quiet. He had moved on from the could be’s a long time ago.

“You know I would give you my job in a heartbeat. There would be no one better than you for this position.”

Heungsoo lifted his head quickly. He internally sighed in relief. He was really low on cash, getting a job was important.

“But I think you can aim higher than this. My good friend is the coach for the national Japanese soccer team. Recently he has been looking for an assistant coach to help him train the team ready for the qualifying matches for the world cup. He told me to keep an eye out and I could definitely put in a good word.”

Heungsoo’s mind paused trying to take everything all in. What was the coach suggesting? He help coach the Japanese national team?

“The pay is over triple that you would make here. There are also lots of good benefits. Of course you would have to move to Japan-“

Wait what. Japan. He couldn’t move to Japan.

The coach noticed Heungsoo’s expression and paused.

“Is there something holding you back son?” He asked curiously. “I know it’s a huge step. But this would change your life Heungsoo. I’m sure your girlfriend or whoever is important to you will understand.”

Heungsoo nodded. He coughed trying to find his voice.

“I will have to think about it.” He finally said; his mind array.  Moving to Japan to coach the national team. It was an incredible opportunity. Something he could never have dreamed off. But accepting would mean leaving Korea. Leaving Namsoon.

The coach stood up.

“I think we are done here.” He reached out his hand once again to shake Heungsoo’s before changing his mind and going in for a hug. Heungsoo accepted awkwardly as his previous coach patted him on the back.

“I hope you make the right decision.”

--

Namsoon entered the restaurant, his eyes looking around the room until they locked onto Kang Joo who beckoned him over. He felt an unusual nervousness as he walked over. It had only been two weeks since he has seen his friends but it had felt like much longer.

The restaurant was pretty packed even though they were meeting early.  Lots of people were eating with their loved ones and Namsoon felt a little churn in his gut.

“Hey,” he said as he sat down.

Ha Kyung smiled warmly.

“Hello Namsoon.”

Namsoon looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, like he was deciding whether or not to explain to her why he hadn’t been answering her calls. His mind started coming up with excuses until Kang Joo patted his strongly on the shoulder.

“So he does leave the nest sometimes,” she said with a brilliant smile. She sat laid back in her chair, a gleam in her eye. At times like this Namsoon was thankful for her bold personality and how she seemed to always soften the atmosphere.

The waitress took their orders and Namsoon felt at ease as he conversed with his friends. He told them about his new modelling job.

“That’s wonderful!” Ha Kyung said, bring her hands together. The weirdness between them had quickly passed and they had talked companionably.

“I knew you would get something soon. I saw some of your last shoots. You are really good!”

Namsoon smiled.

“Let’s celebrate. We should do something.”

 “Yes!” Kang Joo imputed. “Let’s go out on Friday. To a club!”

Anxiety passed through Namsoon.

“Ahh, I dunno,” Namsoon mumbled.

“It will be fun Namsoonah. Please?” Kang Joo looked at Namsoon with a mock pout. Namsoon sighed deeply. He didn’t want to. He hunched over his shoulders and looked down at the table. He didn’t want his friends thinking he was still sad. He had tried so hard to hide the loneliness of his face throughout the dinner. To act as everything was ok. He didn’t want to break the façade.

“Fine, ok.”

“Yay!” Kang Joo and Ha Kyung squealed together.

After they finished eating Kang Joo excused herself to the bathroom. Namsoon was left with Ha Kyung who smiled at him nervously. This was probably the time to talk to her.

“Ha Kyungah,” he said softly. “I’m sorry for missing your calls. I just. I didn’t really know-“

She reached over and took his hand in hers.

“It’s fine. I understand. I know you don’t see me like that. You never did, even in high school. I just want to be your friend.”

Namsoon looked at her and squeezed her hand tight.

“Thank you.”

--

The club was ablaze. The music was so loud Namsoon could feel the bass vibrate his bones. He followed Ha Kyung and Kang Joo over to the bar, standing awkwardly waiting for the bartender to serve him. 

“Hey. We are going to go dance. Bring the drinks over to that table when you finally get them.”

Namsoon nodded as the two girls wandered off to the dance floor hand in hand. Namsoon was never really into clubs. He wasn’t one for dancing, and his idea of a Friday night was staying in with Heungsoo marathoning American TV series. He pushed his way through to the front of the bar giving the bartender his orders and waited for his drinks. He looked around the club. It was full of young people, around his age. People were dancing, laughing with their friends with no care in the world. He felt jealousy prick his fingers.  Of course they had no care in the world. Why should they. He took his drinks and walked over to an empty table in the corner waiting for the girls to come back. He felt awkward and he knew he looked stupid sitting alone. He took out his phone, pretending to look through it.

A girl approached the table. She sat boldly in the seat next to Namsoon.

“Hey,” she said loudly. “You’re cute. Wanna dance?”

Namsoon looked at her with a panicked expression. He didn’t want to dance with anyone.

“Sorry I’m waiting for someone,” he explained, shouting over the loud music.

She leaned in closer. Namsoon could smell her strong perfume. It burned his nose. He leaned back instinctively.

“Come on. Say yes. I can show you a good time.”

She ran her hand up his thigh and Namsoon jumped up. What the was she doing?

“Don’t touch me,” he said angrily, his eyes flashing. He felt repulsed by her touch. Was this the type girl Heungsoo was seduced by? Was it really this easy?

The girl glared at him and laughed.

“Ha. You should be happy I thought to pity you and walk over here. Who do you think you are?” She stood up angrily. “People like you will never be loved by anyone. How can you expect people to like you with a personality like that.” She stormed off disappearing to the other end of the club.

Her words hit Namsoon heavily. She was right. No one could love him. Look at him. There was a reason Heungsoo left in the first place. Namsoon breathed heavily through his mouth, his chest rising and his eyes skittered around looking for the exit in the sea of people. He felt his face grow hot, the back of his t-shirt sticking to him uncomfortably. He quickly pushed through the group of people. The club was too full. Namsoon regretted coming so bad. He should have just stayed at home like he always did. Why bother coming out when he wouldn’t have fun. Suddenly he bumped into the back of someone. His hand reached out on instinct to stop the person from falling over. He grabbed the man’s arm.

“Sorry,” he mumbled looking up. Then his heart stopped.

“,” he whispered his voice thick and catching in his throat.

It was Heungsoo. Heungsoo was here, at the club. Heungsoo who he was never going to see again.

He watched as Heungsoo’s eyes widening, his mouth falling open as if to say something. He looked frozen in place. Heungsoo reached out with clammy hands and grabbed Namsoon’s arm, the area he touched burned hot. Namsoon looked up at Heungsoo’s eyes. The unshed tears glistened in the light and Namsoon swore they looked at him with such a heart-breaking sadness, a sadness worth thousands of words. Namsoon jerked his arm away with a sudden force. No. He had no right. No ing right.

“Namsoon,” he whispered. The music was too loud and Namsoon had no idea what the other was saying. All he knew was that he needed to get out of here. Quick. His legs felt like iron as he pushed past Heungsoo, his heart racing, until he left the exit of the club. Once he reached outside he breathed loudly in and out. He didn’t know if the other followed. He didn’t look back.

It was raining outside. Raining hard. Namsoon hurried down the dark street, his arms huddled across his shoulders as he shivered uncontrollably. He couldn’t spot any cabs on the street and it was a long way to walk home. He contemplated calling Kang Joo before sighing. No, he couldn’t do that. Namsoon carried on walking, now fully soaked to the bones. He looked around for an open store he could maybe wait in or a bus shelter to stand over when he noticed a car slowing beside him. The window rolled down.

“Get in the car Namsoon.”

Namsoon looked over at the car with an incredulous look. So Heungsoo had followed him.  His heartbeat was still beating furiously and combined with his shivers he felt his whole body palpitating; leaving his breathless.

“No Heungsoo.”

He wasn’t going to get in the car with him. The person who caused him all this pain. It was probably the worst idea he could have.

Heungsoo sighed loudly and pulled up in front of him on the sidewalk. His eyes were intense.

“It’s ting it down. Get in the car,” His voice was low.

Namsoon felt a shiver run through him quite different from what he was already feeling. Anger burned through him and he glared at Heungsoo.

“I said no.” He carried on walking.

“Look. I’m just going to follow you. Please do me a favour. Get in the car. I’ll take you back.”

Namsoon ignored him as he carried on walking. With an exasperated sigh, Heungsoo got out his car and began walking directly behind Namsoon. Namsoon turned around after a minute, irritated.

“What are you doing? You’re soaked.” He watched as rain dripped through his hair, droplets running down his face. He was only wearing a thin t-shirt. The rain was already making it stick to his body, outlining his shape very vividly. Namsoon could feel his cheeks reddening. He hated how his body still reacted the same as it used to.  “Look. I’ll be ok. Just go, please.”

Heungsoo grabbed Namsoon’s hand tightly and started dragging him to the car. Namsoon pulled his arm away. The pain in his torso cried out where he had his stitches and Namsoon felt his arm go limp and Heungsoo opened the passenger side door and pushed him in. He felt defeated and weak as Heungsoo walked around to the driver’s side and got in.

Heungsoo stared at Namsoon for what felt like too long. Namsoon turned his face, looking out the passenger’s window. He felt so angry. With Heungsoo. With everything Heungsoo made him feel. For Heungsoo ever existing in the first place. The way Heungsoo got to walk away unscathed whilst Namsoon was left with ashes. Left with a fire that burned him, destroyed him from missing the one who lit the match. It wasn’t fair.

Heungsoo leaned over and bucked Namsoon’s seatbelt, before starting the car.

Five minutes into the drive he broke the heavy silence.

“You know you got to tell me where we heading, I can’t keep driving in circles,” he said softly.

“It’s near here, keep going straight,” he croaked out.

It was probably the longest drive in his life yet before he knew it Heungsoo was parked in front of his apartment. Heungsoo rolled down his window, as if he was taking a good look at the place Namsoon now called home. Namsoon unbuckled his seatbelt and paused. Should he say something? He was going to leave and walk into his apartment and go on without seeing Heungsoo ever again, like this was all a dream. The thought made his heart twist around so much it hurt. He reached over to the door handle.

“Wait.”

Namsoon froze, the one word hitting him like a life line. Heungsoo looked at him, his face like stone.

“Have you been ok?” he stuttered. “I mean- the surgery was a success right, is there any pain? Or after effects?”

Namsoon just shook his head, his throat still feeling heavy.

Heungsoo paused, a deep crease in his eyebrows. He finally exhaled loudly.

“Look. I thought if I ever got to see you again, ever got the chance to talk to you I would have a million things to say but nothing is going right. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.”

His hands shook on the steering wheel.

“I’m so sorry Namsoonah. So ing sorry it kills me. I can’t live with myself after what I did to you. I can’t do anything.”

Namsoon felt his body turn to stone. He forced himself to look straight. If he looked at him now, he knew he would melt. He couldn’t do that. He could never go back. Not now. It was too late.

“I should go,” he whispered opening the door.

“Namsoon,” Heungsoo said with urgency.

“I got a new job. Coaching soccer,” he said quickly. “It’s the Japan national team. Can you believe it? Me. Coaching the national team. The pay is good. It’s an amazing opportunity and the closest I will probably ever get to going pro myself.” He swallowed deeply. “I start next week.”

Namsoon just stared at Heungsoo. Why was he telling him this?

“I have to leave for Japan next week. To live there. Permanently.”

Oh.  Oh.

Namsoon gripped his hands in fists. He didn’t know what to feel.

“If you tell me to stay I will stay.”

Namsoon got out the car and slammed it shut walking around it. He heard Heungsoo quickly open the door and follow him.

“Tell me to stay Namsoonah, please. Tell me to stay.”

Namsoon’s eyes glared daggers, his breath coming in angry pants. Heungsoo reached forward and pulled Namsoon into his chest, the rain pouring down heavy on them both. Namsoon froze, tears running down his face. Heungsoo looked into his eyes.

“I still love you. I will always love you. Just you.”

He hungrily pressed his lips to Namsoon’s pressing him against the car. Namsoon’s body froze in shock. He pulled away and slapped Heungsoo hard across the face.

He felt his throat close up. He had been waiting to hear those words again. Ever since he woke up. And now that he finally said it he just wanted to pull Heungsoo back into his arms and kiss him hard. But he hated him too much for that.

“You think you can say that to me? You have no ing right!”

He could hear the rain pour around him, splashing on the metal roof of the car. His insides felt like a chemical blend of emotions. He needed to leave.

He turned around and felt Heungsoo grab him around the waist. His eyes red.

“Get off me,” Namsoon panted.

“No,” Heungsoo cried. He clutched the boy like he might disappear at any moment. Sobbed so hard he could barely breathe.

Namsoon turned around and threw Heungsoo off him with a strong force sending him to the ground. He heard Heungsoo cry out as he fell on his leg on the sidewalk. The pain in his leg was instantaneous and took his breath away.

“Namsoon,” he gasped.

“Go! Leave for Japan! Do what you want!” Namsoon screamed hysterically.  “Just please leave me alone. I can’t do this anymore. Please.”

He turned around, leaving Heungsoo on the sidewalk. The anger fizzling out of him, leaving him instead with bone weary sadness which rocked him to the core.

--

“One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65

You will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.

However the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find-

Is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.”

-Beau Taplin “The Awful Truth”

Sorry guys :’)

One chapter left of this fic. Also I'm looking for a beta if anyone is interested? My fics need reformatting they are a mess ^^

Also if you have fb please check out this link and like the post which says got7 - croatia.Its the top comment. It's to help a friend and fellow reader win kpop tickets to see Got7 Block B Btob Mblaq Vixx and Ailee^^ https://www.facebook.com/kculturefestivalgermany/posts/589393311171581?comment_id=589860577791521

Love you guys!

-Jem