“What on earth do you think you’re doing?!” Kangjoo shouted, her eyes flashing like thunder after she pulled Heungsoo out of Namsoon’s room.
“I just- I thought I would-”
“Not here,” she said, her voice high and wild. “Follow me.”
Kangjoo ushered Heungsoo down the corridor and led him to the hospital cafeteria. She walked over to the coffee machine leaving Heungsoo to sit down at a vacant table. Heungsoo sat down, looking distressed. He furrowed his brows as his fingers strummed against the table. He barely noticed Kangjoo return bearing two Styrofoam cups of coffee in her hands.
“Here,” she said passing one of the cups to Heungsoo. “Drink this, you look like death.”
Heungsoo took the coffee and set it on the table in front of him, making no move to take a sip. Kangjoo watched him with worried eyes before setting down her own cup with a sigh.
“Look. You could have planned that a whole lot better. When I messaged you before I didn’t think you would stroll right in there without thinking it through. You could have at least let me or Ha Kyung warn him beforehand or something.”
“I need to see him,” He replied immediately, his voice desperate.
“This is not about you Heungsoo!” She slammed her hand down onto the table making her coffee spill. “This is about Namsoon. Do you think its good for Namsoon to see you like this? You need to accept that you ed up big time and you can’t just walk into his room, like nothing happened and expect things to get better. Namsoon is sick Heungsoo. Very sick. And that comes before anything.”
Heungsoo closed his eyes tightly, his face crumbling under the truth of her words. When he finally opened his eyes again, tears seeped down his face. He let them run freely as he stared at his coffee cup, as if transfixed by its contents.
“I messed up,” he choked out. “How do I fix this? Tell me, please.”
Kangjoo looked at him sadly, her heart which once held a grudge for the boy who hurt her Namsoon was now filled only with pity. She contemplated apologizing for her outburst, but she couldn’t. Heungsoo needed to hear the truth, even if it hurts him. Her cheeks blazed red as she watched the helpless boy in front of her, two expressionist splats of colour.  She sighed again as her jaw unclenched and her hands un-fisted.
“I’m not going to lie to you and say everything will be ok because I don’t know if that’s true. But what I do know is that you have to stay strong. As much as he won’t admit it, Namsoon needs you now more than ever.”

After the loud echo of the heart monitor reverted to its original sound, the nurse left the room leaving Ha Kyung alone with Namsoon.
“Are you ok?” Ha Kyung asked Namsoon cautiously, still flustered about the sudden commotion which had just occurred. Namsoon lay motionless with his eyes closed. Deep lines lay on his forehead from where he had been frowning, as if his mind was at war with his heart. He took a deep breath and blew it out shakily. Heungsoo was the last person he had expected to see. How did he even find out ? Why did he care? Namsoon had so many questions he wanted to ask but he didn’t know where to even begin.
What he did know however, is that he didn’t want Heungsoo here. He didn’t want to burden Heungsoo anymore. He decided that the day he packed up and left. He would no longer be the anchor holding the love of his life back. Heungsoo was free to go love whoever he wanted to- and as much as it killed Namsoon- he knew that person wasn’t him.
Namsoon finally opened his eyes, thick droplets of tears running down his face onto his hospital gown.
“I don’t want him here,“ he cried to Ha Kyung. Ha Kyung took his hand and squeezed it tightly.
“I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want him to think just because I’m- just because I’m dying, he needs to feel obligated to care about me.”
“You’re not dying Namsoon-ah.” Ha Kyung said, her hand tightening its hold. “Why would you say that.”  
“I’m not getting the surgery,” he finally said, shaking. “I don’t want the damn surgery.”
Namsoon looked up at his friends face. She looked scared and so helpless. Namsoon instantly regretted turning to Kangjoo when things got bad. He should have packed his bag and gotten as far away from this city as he could. He shouldn’t have involved his friends, the only people he had left who he held dear to his heart. The look on Ha Kyung’s face made Namsoon’s heart clatter.
 Ha Kyung suddenly stood up scraping her chair back and left the room. She shut the door behind her and leaned against the frame, looking upwards for a second to blink away the tears. She knew it was probably the kindest thing she could do for Namsoon, to leave him alone right now to think. But she also knew she left for herself too. She needed to be alone. She needed time to process everything. When she felt herself gain back her composure, she stood up straight and almost walked face first into Heungsoo. Heungsoo looked as pale as a ghost, and from his expression Ha Kyung knew instantly he had heard everything.
Heungsoo searched Ha Kyung’s face for any sign of smugness. For that look of petulance which slapped Heungsoo across the face with a big Ha. He doesn’t want to speak to you. But all he could find was exhaustion. Exhaustion and the look of diminishing hope.
“Did he mean it?” Heungsoo asked, his voice dropping to a whisper. He felt decadent. Like time had stopped still.
“Yes.”
Heungsoo felt his legs give way under him.

--
Heungsoo sauntered into the school office, his hair a mess and his clothes dishevelled. Stubble sat on his chin and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like he had been to hell and back and he felt even worse, but he didn’t care. He sat down on his chair and switched on his computer monitor, his right hand propping up his face.
“You look like ,” his co-worker Jaewon said as he sat down at the desk next to him. Heungsoo grunted in response not sparing him a glance. He really was not in the mood to talk to anyone today. It was a shock he even made it to work, with the condition he was in.
“Long night?” Jaewon asked suggestively, raising his eyebrows. Heungsoo, who would have normally laughed along felt sick to the core. Oh god please not today.
“No, not really.”
“Come on. You don’t have to hide it. The whole office knows about you and Minjung,” Jaewon said, his voice moany and annoying. Heungsoo ignored him and turned back to his computer monitor, opening up his files to check what class he had to teach first.
“Did you meet with that girl last night? What’s her name?-” Taesun, the math teacher, asked Jaewon from across the office.
“Haha yes. She was a wild one I’ll tell you that. It was a close call as well. my wife almost walked in on us.”
Both men chuckled loudly.
Heungsoo clenched his fists.
“Hey Heungsoo, when you are done with Minjung can I have a go at her?” Taesun joked.
“He wont just be done with her, he loves her-”
Heungsoo slammed his fist down on the desk making the desk shake. The office fell silent.
“Shut up.” He growled, his voice low. “Shut the up.”
 He turned in his chair sending his best glare at his co-workers.
“Heungsoo-”
“Don‘t mention her anymore.”
“What are you talking about?”
Heungsoo paused.
“I’m gay.”
The teachers gasped. Jaewon’s eyes widened next to him. Heungsoo looked at him and let out a sarcastic laugh.
“Surprised aren’t you? Wow, I hid that one well. Yes, I’m gay. I like men. Well, one man in particular but that’s beside the point. I should have never dated Minjung and messed her around like that. It wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to Namsoon.” Heungsoo watched how the room was silent as a pin drop, his co-workers were hanging onto every word which left his mouth. Like they had front row seats to a melodrama. He let out another sarcastic laugh.
“You guys remember Namsoon right? My roommate? I’ve introduced you a few times. Yeah well guess what? He was my boyfriend. He was my boyfriend and I cheated on him. I cheated on the love of my life. Then I came to work everyday and laughed with you s about how fun it was sleeping with Minjung.”
Heungsoo stared out around the room. The teachers reactions were varied. Most looked shocked whilst some looked mildly curious. Heungsoo noted a couple expressions of absolute disgust.
Before any of his co-workers could say anything, Heungsoo stood up almost knocking his chair backwards and left the room slamming the door shut behind him.
Heungsoo walked briskly to the car park and reached into his pocket pulling out his car keys and unlocking his car. He opened the door and sat down in the front seat slamming the door loudly behind him. Once he was safe in the confines of his own car he banged his head a few times against the steering wheel setting off a series of loud beeps before holding his head in his hands. He groaned loudly and let out deep breaths.
Ok, calm down Heungsoo. Calm down.
That was definitely not how Heungsoo had pictured coming out to his co-workers. Surprisingly, Heungsoo felt a small load disappear of his chest. Like he wasn’t hiding such a big part of himself anymore.
Heungsoo forced himself to decompress. It was obvious he wasn’t ready to return back to work anytime soon. Not with his mind so broken. He rejected the incoming call of Jaewon on his phone, and started up his car.

Heungsoo pulled up into the car park and made no move to leave the vehicle. Instead he stayed in the car wondering what to do. He obviously couldn’t stroll in to see Namsoon, not after what happened yesterday. But he couldn’t just not see Namsoon either. Maybe he could get a glimpse of him through the window? Would Namsoon notice him?
 Heungsoo eventually left the car and walked up to Namsoon’s floor. He paused just outside his lovers door and let out a deep breath before turning and looking through the window into the room. Namsoon was fast asleep, since it was still very early Heungsoo wasn’t surprised. His face was turned to towards the wall so Heungsoo didn’t get to look properly at him but Namsoon looked so peaceful. Heungsoo studied the back of his skull and tried to read the boy’s thoughts. What must he be going through? Heungsoo felt his heart ache as he looked away from the window.

For the next week Heungsoo followed the same routine. He would wake up early and come and sit outside Namsoon’s room for a few hours. The nurses had long given up on him and now only left him with pitying looks as they passed by. Some of the time he was there, Namsoon was awake. Namsoon didn’t do much, he didn’t watch television or read any of the manhwa Kangjoo had brought him. Instead he would stare at the wall for hours on end.
By two-thirty, the hospital was a rolling boil of noise. Kangjoo or Ha Kyung would usually arrive from work and go in to speak to Namsoon, trying to persuade him to eat or at least go outside for some fresh air. Heungsoo could only listen to the sound of Namsoon’s beautiful voice from behind the door as he fought off the urge to walk in there.
In the evenings Heungsoo went back home. Back to his cold empty house, stained with memories of him and Namsoon. Ever since the day he discovered Namsoon had left, Heungsoo felt something in him die. And he wasn’t getting any better. He was still a shattered mess, and that’s how he would stay. After all it was impossible to pull himself together. He had become satisfied with his suffering, he didn’t deserve to feel whole anymore.

--
The sun had fallen and Kangjoo spent the afternoon in the hospital room beside Namsoon. She reached over and Namsoon’s hair and his eyes fluttered shut at her touch.
“How are you feeling?” She asked softly, like if she spoke any louder, the gentle image of Namsoon right in front of her would shatter into a thousand pieces.
“The same.”
Silence fell between them. Only the exaggerated noise from the drama on the tv filled the room.
“Why does Heungsoo sit outside everyday?”
“W-what?” Kangjoo stammered in shock.
“Heungsoo, he sits outside the room everyday.”
Kangjoo stared at Namsoon with giant stunned eyes. She watched his face and Namsoon was positive she was noting his expression and actions.
“He is worried about you.”
Namsoon turned his face the other way.
“We all are, you need this operation. I don’t want to beat around the bush anymore Namsoon. We cant pretend this wont go away by itself. It won’t. It will only get worse.”
Namsoon’s eyes were transfixed on the window. His face stoic.
“I also think you need to speak to Heungsoo. Even if its just for closure.”
Namsoon watched the cars drive by on the roads out of his window. She was right. Like always.

After Namsoon fell asleep, Kangjoo left the room. She sat on the bench in the corridor and immediately messaged Heungsoo.
He wants to speak with you tomorrow.

--
Heungsoo was a nervous wreck. His heart was beating frantically as he waited for Namsoon to come meet him in the cafeteria. His fingers twitched on his lap and he watched the door. It really was surreal how he was feeling. It was like he was waiting for Namsoon for the first time. His palms were sweaty and his face was mask tight from tears. Suddenly Namsoon entered through the door looking so perfect, so ing angelic. Heungsoo stood up abruptly as he approached him. Heungsoo stood awkwardly not knowing what to say or how to act. Once Namsoon was stood in front of him he felt a wave of heat travel up his neck as he sat down.
“Heungsoo,” Namsoon said, his voice dropped to an octave below his normal tone. Heungsoo could only stare at the boy in front of him. It felt like a life time ago that Namsoon had graced him with his presence.
“Namsoon,” Heungsoo stuttered. “Baby-”
“Please,” Namsoon said his eyes desperate. “Please let me speak without interrupting.” Heungsoo could only nod. Whatever Namsoon wanted, he would do without a doubt.
Namsoon paused for a moment, like he was trying to gather all his thoughts.
“When you came back into my life all those years ago, I knew it was a sign. A sign that for some strange reason we were meant to be together.” Namsoon gulped heavily.
“And when I found out that I wasn’t the only one who felt this, oh god Heungsoo, I was so happy. So ing happy you wouldn’t believe. Because I loved you for such a long time. I loved you before I even knew what love was.” And I still love you.
Namsoon felt his face crumble as his body began convulsing in silent sobs. Heungsoo immediately reached forward and grabbed his hand. Namsoon’s hand was as cold as a tomb but Heungsoo could feel everything he loved about Go Namsoon just in that one touch. Namsoon looked up at Heungsoo, his eyes a deep sea of emotions. Such terrible and horrible emotions.
“So that’s why I don’t blame you Heungsooah, I don’t blame you for not loving me.”
Panic flashed through Heungsoo’s eyes as he opened his mouth to interrupt. Namsoon lifted up his hand to silence him.
“But I just wanted to say,” he paused, letting out a deep breath, “Thank you. Thank you for coming back into my life. Thank you for being with me all these years. Truthfully, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be who I was today. I am forever changed by what you did for me, the way you freed me from everything which was bad in my life. So that’s why I decided to have the surgery after all. I have to start living for myself. I can‘t base my happiness of someone else, it hurts too much.”
Heungsoo could only stare at Namsoon’s face in shock. Each one of Namsoon’s words had stabbed Heungsoo straight through the heart with a bullet of painful reality. Namsoon pulled his hand softly away from Heungsoo’s grasp.
No No No.
He took of the silver ring laced around his fourth finger, the ring he hadn’t taken off in years and placed it in front of Heungsoo.
Oh god no, please no.
Thick tears fell from Namsoon’s eyes.
“I’m giving this back to you. I don’t think we should see each other again. I don’t want you to feel burdened by me, I’m going to have the surgery and I’m going to start living my life, properly.”
You broke my heart, I can’t be with you.
Namsoon stood up and turned to walk out of the cafeteria, his heart agonizing with his mind. Every cell in his body screamed to turn back around, to go and sit back down with Heungsoo and really work things out. But he knew he couldn’t live like this anymore. This was the final time Namsoon would allow his heart to be broken. He wouldn’t, couldn’t survive it breaking again.
Heungsoo felt every bone in his body turn to steel. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t find the voice to call Namsoon back. He was frozen. He watched the back of Namsoon’s head leave the room.
“Namsoon,” he croaked out, his voice thick and heavy. He picked up the ring of the table and clenched it in his fist.
“Namsoon,” he cried.

--
Heartbreak is a hollow feeling. It kills you from the inside out which Namsoon thought was ironic as he was wheeled down the corridor. It was time for his surgery. A surgery which he may never wake from, and Namsoon didn’t know what scared him more. The idea that he wouldn’t wake or the thought that he didn’t care either way. He had already seen Ha Kyung and Kangjoo. He had put on a smile as they hugged him too tightly. He hid his tears as his hands trembled by his sides, his finger feeling bare. He had done everything he could have to pretend that this was all ok. That he was ok. But loneliness plagued him deep to the bone. He shut his eyes as the gush of wind from the door shutters washed over him.

Heungsoo ran down the corridor. He didn’t have much time. He had received a text from Kangjoo fifteen minutes ago that Namsoon’s operation had been rescheduled and moved up to today. Heungsoo could barely recall the last couple of days. They were a blur. They passed like an agonizing hell to painful for words. He couldn’t breathe anymore. He couldn’t think anymore. He couldn’t eat he couldn’t sleep. Guilt had stained his fingertips and regret killed his heart.
But Namsoon needed to know the truth. He had too. Heungsoo picked up his pace and he ran up the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator to arrive. He didn’t have much time.
He entered the corridor and turned the corner and that’s when he saw him. Namsoon lay motionless as he was wheeled towards the surgery  room by two doctors. His eyes were shut.
“Namsoon,” he said, his name burning hot on his tongue. Namsoon’s eyes flicked open in disbelief.
“Namsoonah,” he cried as the boy was getting closer and closer to the electric doors.
“You were wrong Namsoonah. I love you. I love you so much.”
And Heungsoo could only watch on as a single crystal tear escaped Namsoon’s eyes as the door shut on both of them.

cryingggggg. Ahhhh. Why did I write this.

I listened to two songs whilst writing this (well I listened to many but these two fit the best with this chapter) Hurts- Affair, and Passenger- Let her go. Both are amazingballs so go listen :) To those chingus who added me as a friend or followed me on tumblr, don't be scared too talk to me. (I'm actually a lonely soul haha) I love making new friends and crying over dramas and Woobin and Jongsuk together :)

The next part will be up soon. (I think their will be a couple more parts, this story just keeps growing in my head) Thank you for reading <3