It all started with a kiss. It rained that afternoon and Heungsoo and Namsoon were waiting at the bus station in Gyeongi-do. Thunderheads rolled in and painted the sky a deep gray and it was the first time both boys had returned to their home town since the incident. They were in their final year of high school and although the past was almost behind them both, it was something they needed to do. Together.
 After the first shake of thunder, the rain poured from the sky like shower and both boys were soaked head to toe, their hair glued to their heads. Heungsoo turned to ask Namsoon what time the bus was supposed to come when their gazes caught. Namsoon was close, Heungsoo could count the raindrops caught in his long eyelashes.
Namsoon couldn’t recall who leaned in first. Maybe they both did but that was the first time they kissed. And as cliché as it was, Namsoon thought it was perfect.
After that it came as natural as breathing.
The boys eventually started dating, in secret of course. Although the rest of the world seemed to be moving forward in that aspect, Korea was still stuck in its ways- but that was ok. Because Namsoon didn’t care who knew or who didn’t. All he cared about was a boy named Park Heungsoo who re-lighted his extinguished heart, and started a fire within him, passionate and consuming.
Heungsoo didn’t go through any drastic personality changes after they decided to get together. He stayed the same old Heungsoo, and Namsoon wouldn’t have it any way. But there would be times when Heungsoo would wait for Namsoon after his part time job to walk him home hand in hand under the dimly lit street lights. Times when Heungsoo would come home red faced clutching flowers to his chest. Or times when Heungsoo would trace his fingers softly down every crease, every wrinkle and bump on Namsoon’s body with such love, such adoration that Namsoon knew even though he was the same Heungsoo, they weren’t the same high school kids they once were.

High school ended too quickly. Namsoon would always have the regret that he couldn’t have spent more of those years together with Heungsoo. When he voiced this to Heungsoo, the night of their graduation, Heungsoo pulled him in close to his chest.
“We have forever to be together.”
They used all their earnings they had so meticulously saved over the past year and half and moved to the other side of Seoul. They didn’t have much to decorate their new home, but they managed to buy a double bed for their bedroom which made certain activities easier. They were happy. So ing happy and in love.
Namsoon tried a number of various part time jobs but the best paid was the model work he had recently begun. After Heungsoo nagging at him day in and day out, he figured he should put his height to good use and he found he was actually pretty good at it. Heungsoo studied part time to become a gym teacher and he worked at the bar a few blocks away. Namsoon would sometimes come in during Heungsoo’s shifts and sit at the bar watching his beautiful lover work. During Heungsoo’s breaks he would push Namsoon up against the wall in the back room and kiss him until he was left breathless and his heart had run off without him.
They didn’t always have the money they needed. Or new clothes, or materialistic goods. But they had each other. And that was more than enough.

On their third year anniversary, Heungsoo made reservations at a fancy restaurant. The kind which the boys rarely ventured into. Both boys were dressed to kill and Heungsoo couldn’t keep his eyes off Namsoon. He looked ethereal. Namsoon always looked beautiful to Heungsoo.
After dinner they walked to the small park near their house and that’s when Heungsoo gave Namsoon his anniversary gift. It was a ring. A plain silver band which Namsoon knew must have cost at least a months wage. But it wasn’t just a ring to Namsoon. It was a promise. A promise that Heungsoo would always love and treasure Namsoon. And Namsoon couldn’t stop the tears welling in his eyes as he slipped on the ring. That night they made love for the umpteenth time.
Namsoon was so in love. So irrevocably head over heals in love.

A year later, Heungsoo had successfully finished his training to become a gym teacher and he taught at the local high school. Namsoon’s modelling was successful although he found it hard to progress beyond magazine shoots since he was so reluctant to be away from home for more than a couple of days- and some of these shoots were abroad.  But he was happy where he was. And life was perfect.

Namsoon should have felt even the slightest bit cautious because how can someone be this happy? Life couldn’t possibly be this perfect, their had to be some sort of clause that would break this fragile bubble sooner or later. Heungsoo had found his way to even the most dustiest corners of Namsoon’s heart. And Namsoon held onto his presence so tight, afraid that his words would crumble in his hands like the brittle flowers of those long Autumn days.

Namsoon didn’t notice at first, that Heungsoo was coming home later and later. At first Heungsoo would leave him a text saying he would miss dinner. His texts always ended in a kiss or a heart and Namsoon would just smile whilst making dinner for one, waiting for Heungsoo to arrive home. After the fifth time Heungsoo text Namsoon that he wouldn’t make it for dinner, Namsoon couldn’t help but notice how their was no kiss on his text. It wasn’t a big deal, and Namsoon shouldn’t be feeling like a ing girl but he felt uneasy. Because when you have been with someone with as long as Namsoon had been with Heungsoo you can sense when things are not right. But Namsoon pushed it to the back of his mind and didn’t bring it up.

Heungsoo was on his phone a lot lately. Way more than he normally was. Even at dinner he would be smiling over his phone as he fingers scurried across the keyboard replying to who ever he was messaging. Namsoon noticed Heungsoo’s smile when his phone would chime. The same smile he would have when looking at Namsoon.
“Who are you texting?” He asked over dinner one night, frustrated that Heungsoo hadn’t even taken a bite of his meal.
Heungsoo looked up.
“Just a friend.”
And Namsoon left it at that. Because Namsoon trusted Heungsoo, and Namsoon loved Heungsoo. More than anyone in the world. More than he loved his next breath.

Some nights Heungsoo wouldn’t come home at all. Those nights were always the worst for Namsoon. He felt sick, obviously something wasn’t right. Heungsoo rarely replied to his texts anymore and even more scarcely picked up the phone when Namsoon rang. Namsoon couldn’t remember the last time Heungsoo came home to dinner. He couldn’t remember the last time Heungsoo had a conversation with him, asked him about work, about life. He couldn’t even remember the last time Heungsoo kissed him.
But Heungsoo looked happy. Because even though Heungsoo hadn’t all but looked at him for the last month Namsoon had watched Heungsoo, so painfully. The nights Heungsoo would stumble in at 3 in the morning and crawl into bed. Namsoon would try and embrace Heungsoo wrapping his arms around Heungsoo like they used to do but Heungsoo would just gently pry Namsoon’s arms away before turning around to face the other way. Those nights when his heart felt too heavy to even attempt sleep Namsoon would stay up all night watching Heungsoo. Watching his chest slowly rise and deflate. He would gaze at Heungsoo’s peaceful face and listen to Heungsoo’s small breaths. It didn’t matter that Heungsoo didn’t speak to him much anymore or embrace him because at least he was still here and he was happy and that’s all Namsoon ever wanted.
So Namsoon ignored the strong smell of perfume on Heungsoo’s clothes when he gathered them from around the room for the next wash because there has to be an explanation, and Heungsoo was happy.

On one particularly sunny day Namsoon woke to an empty bed. Either Heungsoo didn’t return last night or he left early before Namsoon awoke, and judging by how the bed on his side was made it was probably the latter. Namsoon decided he was going to speak to Heungsoo that night. He was going to hold on with everything he had. He couldn’t let Heungsoo get away. Rubbing his promise ring on his fourth finger, which he had never taken off since the day Heungsoo slipped it on his finger, he got up and cleaned the house. He doesn’t just straighten up everything but he really cleans everywhere. He takes out the dishes in the cupboard and washes each one before drying and putting them back in. He sweeps up and mops till the house is sparkling. Then he begins making dinner. When Heungsoo and Namsoon first decided to move in together, Namsoon spent a long time learning how to make other dishes than just ramyun. He wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for Heungsoo, and he knew the other boy would get sick of eating ramyun everyday (even if he didn’t) After trying lots of different recipes he realised he want half bad at cooking. Namsoon cooked Heungsoo’s favourite foods, he sets the table and lighted a candle in the middle. Then he sends Heungsoo a text.
Come home early today, I made dinner your favourite  xx

“I should get home early today.” Heungsoo said to Minjung as they come out of the restaurant, their hands entwined.
“How about we go back to my place instead?” She said provocatively, her finger running down his chest.
Heungsoo grabs her hand.
“I really should, Namsoon, my roommate, is probably waiting. I haven’t been home in a few days.”
“Why would he care? You speak like your in love with the guy. He’s just your roommate.”
And Heungsoo froze at her words. His heart rate increasing. In love with Namsoon? Yes, he was in love with Namsoon.
But then what are you doing Heungsoo?
He looked at Minjung. She stared back at him with a glint in her eye. It was different from the way Namsoon looked at him. Namsoon looked at him with soft eyes full of emotion and love.  Namsoon looked at him like he was the only person in the world. But Minjung looks at him with pure lust, and it has been more than once that he has caught her eyeing up other guys like that. .
Then what the was he doing?
It would be easier to be with Minjung. She was a girl. Namsoon was a guy. Even if she doesn’t make him feel the things Namsoon does.  It was more acceptable to be with Minjung. Since Heungsoo finished his training and began working at the local high school, he felt the pressure of society on him harder than ever before. At staff dinners his co-workers would about finding him a girlfriend, “hooking” him up.  Heungsoo wanted to tell them all that he already had the love of his life waiting for him at home, he didn’t need their help. But Namsoon was a guy. He couldn’t tell them that. It was wrong. And for the first time since Namsoon and Heungsoo had started dating all those years ago Heungsoo felt a foreign feeling run though his body. A feeling that told him he wasn’t normal like the other guys, he was disgusting, a freak.
So he let his co-workers set him up and that’s when he met Minjung.
Minjung began  trailed her fingers down Heungsoo’s chest again before leaning in and kissing Heungsoo deeply.
“Come on oppa.” She said grabbing his hand and dragging him to her car. Heungsoo followed her.

It is eight o’clock and Namsoon sits at the dinner table waiting for his boyfriend, his lover, his heart, to arrive home so they could have a nice dinner together then talk so that everything will be ok. Of course everything will be ok.
The clock strikes nine. Then ten. Eleven, twelve. Its One am when Namsoon finally picks himself up from the table and blows out the candle. With hollow eyes, he shrugged off his clothes and crawled into bed, trying to ignore the searing pain in his heart, the widening chasm between himself and Heungsoo that seemed to be growing everyday.
It is three am when he hears the door opening downstairs. Namsoon tenses as Heungsoo enters the bedroom. He hears the whisper of his clothes as he undresses, before entering the bed next to him.
“Where were you?” he asks, trying to hide the emotion out of his voice.
“There was a teacher gathering, I couldn’t get away.” Heungsoo replies nonchalantly before rolling over on his side facing the other way. The moonlight coming in through the crack in the curtains bathes Heungsoo making him look pale and smooth and that’s when Namsoon sees it. On the side of Heungsoo’s neck is a hicky. Namsoon suddenly feels sick and he quickly leaves the bed running to the bathroom before throwing up the food he hasn’t eaten in a while. After he’s sure there is nothing left to throw up he jumps in the shower and scrubs his skin till he is raw, till his skin  is painted a painful red. Like if he scrubbed hard enough maybe the ghost of Heungsoo would wash away and all this wouldn’t hurt as much as it did. After he dried off he enters the bedroom again, telling himself there is an explanation, that couldn’t possibly be a hickey on Heungsoo’s neck. He gets into bed looking at everything but  at Heungsoo. Heungsoo doesn’t ask if he is ok. And when he is sure that Heungsoo is asleep, Namsoon presses himself close against him, hands trembling with the life that seemed to be escaping through his fingertips.

--
“Those dark circles are going to be hard to cover.” Namsoon’s make up artist complained whilst dabbing under his eyes with a foundation brush. When Namsoon didn’t reply she let out a sigh.
“And you have lost weight. Your cheeks have sunken in a bit. Is everything ok?”
Namsoon knew she meant well. But he wasn’t in the mood to talk. He felt dizzy ever since he woke up that morning.
“Namsoon! The camera is ready!” Came the directors voice. Namsoon was thankful for the interruption as he slid of his chair giving his makeup artist a weak smile and walked over to where the cameras were set up.
After ten minutes in front of the camera Namsoon suddenly felt a sharp pain tearing through his chest. He cried out in pain as he hunched over. His agent signalled the photographers to stop as he ran over to Namsoon.
“Someone get him some water!” He cried out looking at Namsoon’s pale face and the sweat dripping down his neck. He felt two arms helping him over to the bench where he sat down, still hunched over gripping his heart.
After a minute the pain had calmed and Namsoon could sit upright.
“What just happened?” His agent asked him with a worried look painted on his face.
“Its nothing” Namsoon muttered waving his hand.
“That didn’t look like nothing Namsoon, you should go to the hospital and get yourself checked out.”
“I probably ate something bad.” Namsoon let out a forced laugh. “But I think I will go home for the day, can we postpone the photo shoot?”
His agent nodded. Namsoon took out his phone to ring Heungsoo to come pick him up. Although he was feeling better he didn’t want to risk driving home in case the pain came back.
After the third call Heungsoo still didn’t pick up. Not that Namsoon was surprised.

--
It was their anniversary. Their fifth year anniversary of being together and Namsoon was still as much in love with Heungsoo than he was on the very first day they decided to date. , the very first day they met as kids all those years ago. And Namsoon wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. He couldn’t be with anyone else. He had long ago torn out his own heart and handed it to Park Heungsoo to look after. Namsoon is willing to put everything that happened in the last couple of months aside and write it off as a bad patch.
He spent three times as long getting ready that afternoon, making himself look nice. He used the aftershave he remembers Heungsoo saying he loved. He looking in the mirror with a satisfied nod. He looked good. He had lost a fair bit of weight recently so his clothes were slightly too big for him but all in all he was pleased. He wanted Heungsoo to be pleased too. Maybe Heungsoo would kiss him. Maybe they would even make love tonight.
He ordered a takeout from Heungsoo favourite restaurant and set the table. Before sitting in the living room waiting for his boyfriend to come home. The hours passed and soon it became painfully obvious Heungsoo wouldn’t be coming home. Namsoon had a naïve hope that at least Heungsoo would come home early today of all days but once again he was left disappointed. That was the first time Namsoon allowed himself to cry letting the tears that had gathered up over the last two months fall freely as he choked out. Suddenly the apartment felt too small, like the walls had been closing in around him. His chest jolted and felt the sharp pain he felt a few weeks before when he was at work. Namsoon doubled over clutching his body and he breathed in and out. After a few minutes when the pain subsided, he got up and grabbed his keys. He needed air.

Namsoon felt better with the icy Seoul air blowing against his face. He drove with the window down for 30 minutes before deciding to return home. Maybe Heungsoo had returned home. He shouldn’t keep him waiting. He drove through the busy streets of Seoul and stopped at a traffic light, tapping his fingers mindlessly against the wheel when he saw it.
Heungsoo had come out of a restaurant holding hands with a girl. The girl had slipped her hands around Heungsoo neck, standing on her tip toes and they kissed. They kissed. He could faintly hear beeps behind him and people shouting at him that the light had changed but he couldn’t take his eyes of his boyfriend kissing this girl. The girl was pretty. She was tall but not too tall, she had long black hair and wore a cute small dress. They looked good together. Namsoon couldn’t move. He couldn’t look away. It was like all he was trying to deny these past few months was now slapping him in the face. And that was the second time in his life that Namsoon felt his heart shatter, and the life pour right out of him.

Namsoon drove home, numb. He unlocked the front door with shaking hands and entered his house. When he entered his bedroom he took the suitcase from the top of his wardrobe down and laid it open on his bed. He opened his wardrobe and took out his clothes one by one, packing them carefully away. He took his time. He had forever. After he packed all his belongings  he looked over at the rest of his room. The room he had spent the last few years of his life in. A feeling of déjà vu crept up on him. A feeling from many, many years ago when Namsoon’s world had crashed down in front of him and he was left standing in his doorway, bag in hand and his heart on the floor.

 Go Namsoon did the one thing he knew so well. He took his bag and he left.

--

One of the things Namsoon loved most about Lee Kang Joo was that she could sense when something was wrong. She new what to say and what not to say. And when Namsoon arrived on her doorstep at 2am suitcase in hand she pulled him in to her apartment and put the kettle on.
Kangjoo worked at a book publishing company. She had just come from university the year before and was working as an intern. Her and Ha Kyung lived together in this flat. Ha Kyung graduated Seoul National university and was now training to become a lawyer. Over the past few years Namsoon had met up with them a couple times. He was glad they had stayed in contact.
“Where’s Ha Kyung?” Namsoon asked, taking a sip of his tea.
“She’s home with her parents she will be back in two days.”
“Are you sure it is ok for me to sleep on your coach?”
“Yes Namsoon.”
Kang Joo grabbed a pillow and a blanket before throwing them on the coach and taking a seat.
With a deep breath she asked Namsoon what happened. And Namsoon who had spent his whole life bottling up his feelings, keeping his thoughts to himself remembered a time many years ago when Heungsoo asked him if he ever told someone his heart was hurting during those hard times. So he told Kangjoo everything, before breaking down under the weight of his reality.

It had been two days since Heungsoo had come home. He had spent both nights at Minjung’s apartment. It was not that Heungsoo didn’t want to come home, he couldn’t. He couldn’t bare looking at Namsoon’s face as he lied to him. He couldn’t look at Namsoon’s beautiful face after what he has been doing these past few months. He didn’t deserve Namsoon. He didn’t deserve to lay next to him in bed every night.
 But Heungsoo couldn’t allow Namsoon get too suspicious, he had to come home so Namsoon would never know the terrible things Heungsoo had been doing. So that night he Heungsoo climbed up the staircase and took of his clothes before he noticed Namsoon’s side of the bed was empty. Namsoon’s side was never empty.
Heungsoo slipped under the covers. He is probably working late he thought before he allowed himself to drift off asleep.
The next day he showered early and left the house for work. Namsoon wasn’t their when he woke up and Heungsoo felt something in him stir.
His phone chimed and he flipped open his phone.
“See you after work oppa xx”
Heungsoo smiled before grabbing his car keys.
After work he spent the evening at Minjungs. She had cooked dinner and the rest of the night was spent on the bed. He stayed over again. The thoughts of Namsoon pushed to the back of his mind.

The nights Heungsoo did sleep at home in his own bed, Namsoon wasn’t there.
The bastard can’t even let me know if he has started working late he thought angrily to himself. He reached for his phone on his bedside table, wondering if he should call Namsoon. Did he even have a right to call his boyfriend. Its not like Heungsoo had been reading any of Namsoon’s texts for the last few months. He opened his inbox for the first time in a while to see it flooded with unread texts from his lover. And one by one he started to read them.
Have a nice day at work, fighting!
Don’t forget lunch!
I miss you
Where are you?
Come home early tonight I made dinner
Heungsooah, why don’t you reply
I love you
I miss you  
And the last unopened text which came a week ago read
Happy fifth year anniversary. I love you Heungsoo I love you so much.
Heungsoo felt sick. He had missed their anniversary, he put his hands in-between his head and groaned. How could he forgot something like that. So that’s why Namsoon had been leaving early every morning and coming home late at night. He was upset. He got up from his bed and paced around.

The doorbell rang making Heungsoo jump. Heungsoo almost ran down the stairs to answer the door, he had to see Namsoon and try to explain.
But when the door swung open it wasn’t Namsoon but Minjung. Heungsoo felt disappointed.
“Oppa! I was coming home from work and I thought I would stop by. You know we never come to your place we are always at mine.”
Minjung let herself in looking around the hallway.
“You can’t be here, my roomate-”
“You can introduce me to your roomate! Is he here?”
“No hes out-”
“Hes out is he” Minjung said her finger crawling up Heungsoo’s shirt. Heungsoo knew what she wanted whenever she did that. It always led to . But Heungsoo wasn’t in the mood, he was still worried about Namsoon and Namsoon could come home any minute.
“Lets go to your room oppa” Minjung said in a provocative voice.  After a few more half hearted attempts to make her leave Heungsoo let himself be taken up the stairs reluctantly opening his bedroom door and inviting Minjung in. This was probably the quickest way to get Minjung to leave. Once that girl wanted something, she wouldn’t stop till she has it.
“You have to leave right after.” He said in-between kisses.
Minjung dragged him by his shirt to the bed. And when Heungsoo was lay flat against the bed she began ing his shirt. Heungsoo made no move to touch her. Instead he closed his eyes tightly, trying to fight away the sickness in his stomach. The pain of his mistake, his guilt which threatened to overcome him. When he opened his eyes again Minjung was .
“Come on oppa” she said with lidded eyes. Heungsoo shrugged out of his trousers and boxers and rolled over until he was hovering above Minjung, her legs spread out on either side of him. Heungsoo entered her quickly and Minjung cried out. It was nothing like how Namsoon sounded when they made love. Minjung’s voice was loud, almost annoying. Namsoon always tried to hide his moans. He choked them back until he couldn’t anymore.
After a few more s Heungsoo shot his load into his and grabbed some tissues from his bedside table to clean himself up. Heungsoo couldn’t even look at Minjung. She was lying to his right where Namsoon always slept. He felt like . He slept with his affair in their bed. Even after all Heungsoo had done in the past few months he knew he had reached an all time low.
He wasn’t in love with Minjung. He knew he could never be in love with anyone but Namsoon.

After Minjung left, Heungsoo lay in bed waiting for Namsoon to come home. He needed to talk with him badly. He was going to cut off whatever he had going on with Minjung, if Namsoon ever found out- he didn’t want to even think about it. How heartbroken Namsoon would be. How heartbroken he would be.
The hours passed and Namsoon didn’t come home. Heungsoo turned to his side and grabbed Namsoon’s pillow. Hoping the intoxicating smell would ease his aching heart. But all he could smell was her. Getting up from his bed he decided to take out one of Namsoon’s jumpers. This is what he used to do whenever Namsoon had to leave for one or two days for work. It would help he get to sleep at night.
He opened the wardrobe to find it empty. The hangers lay on the rack. Where are all his clothes? he thought frantically.
He opened the drawer Namsoon kept his socks and underwear and there was nothing. His fingers began to tremble. No.
He ran to the bathroom and his toothbrush is gone. What is going on? Why is Namsoon’s stuff all gone?
With shaky legs he made his way downstairs desperately looking for an explanation. There had to be some reason. Namsoon didn’t leave him did he?
Heungsoo paced around the living room. Does he know? Did he find out? . Heungsoo grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialled Namsoon’s mobile number.
“This number has been disconnected.”

Heungsoo felt something in him snap as he broke down in loud sobs. So he knew. He knew. Heungsoo slowly fell to the floor holding his phone to his chest. How long had he known? Why didn’t he say anything. That bastard.
Heungsoo tried to think back, did Namsoon seem any different? The last time he saw Namsoon was the beginning of last week. He looked thin. Too thin. And he had those dark circles under his eyes. Heungsoo felt tears escape his eyes. What had he done.

What is this. Yelp.
So this will be told in three parts. Basically a few weeks ago I had a dream that Namsoon left Heungsoo again  and I woke up all flustered and upset and this was born in like two hours lol. It just took a while to edit since I’m such a lazy , and I was working on my other HeungSoon fic.
Also I listened to Marianas Trench - Fallout whilst writing this. So go listen on you tube, it’s a really good song!
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