Heungsoo sat with his back slouched over on the blue plastic seats in the hospital waiting room. His fingers drummed against his knee caps. He cocked his head up at the clock for the umpteenth time. The hands off time had never turned so slow before. This was the longest, most agonizing wait in his whole entire life. He exhaled loudly, his breath shakily catching in his throat.
Kang Joo and Ha Kyung were sat beside him, both equally silent.
“Do you want some coffee?” He choked out, losing his voice for a second. The lump at the back of his throat was thick, causing him to stutter.
Both girls shook their head simultaneously. Heungsoo stood up quickly, having to hold onto the wall for a second to get his footing. He walked down the corridor towards the coffee machine in a zombie like manner. He pressed the buttons on the machine and stared blankly as the machine began making the coffee. There was something so terrible about the way he felt. A cocktail of emotions that shouldn’t ever mix together. First their was an aching love clenching his heart until he felt he couldn’t breathe. Then came grief. The question of what if that came crashing down on him like a wave hitting against the shore. Guilt was next. Overpowering guilt that made his hands shake, his legs quake. He couldn’t speak anymore, couldn’t think without hating every inch, ever fibre of himself.
“Excuse me sir, your coffee,” the nurse said behind him, pointing to the coffee cup in the machine.
“Oh.” Heungsoo grabbed his coffee. He stood next to the machine, not wanting to go back to the morose waiting room where his eyes would be glued back to the clock. He took a sip and let his head fall against the wall, closing his eyes tight.
Minutes passed. Hours even. Heungsoo wasn’t entirely sure. Time was beyond him in this state. He discarded the now cold coffee cup on the ledge beside him. A doctor wearing a white coat walked past him briskly. Heungsoo darted forward and grabbed his sleeve.
“Doctor, Go Namsoon-”
“Are you his family?”
“Yes,” Heungsoo said desperately, his heart pounding.
“He has just come out of operation.”
His heart stopped.
“Wh-what how did it-”
“It was a success,” the doctor said with a bright smile. “He has just come out of surgery so he will still be unconscious for a while. When he wakes up he will be in pain so we need to keep him here a while longer to monitor his progress. You can go see him now if you want.”
The doctor walked off down the corridor. Heungsoo froze. Tears rapidly formed in his eyes and his heart felt like it was about to  burst. He brought his fist up to his chest and slammed it against his heart a few times. The ache was overwhelming. He let out a sob. He shakily made his way down the corridor, his body convulsing. He made no move to wipe his tears. He threw open the operating room doors and peered into every glass window until finally he saw his lovers sleeping face. He froze. Namsoon looked so peaceful. So angelic and untouchable. Not to be tainted or stained.
He slowly entered the room, softly closing the door behind him. He walked forward to the bed and stood over it, tears b in his eyes.
“Namsoonah,” he wailed with a fractured voice, his whole body shaking. He brought his hand back to his chest, clenching his fist at his t-shirt trying to subside the pain deep within.
“Namsoon baby, thank you. Thank you so much,” he cried, his words falling out like rain. He brought himself onto his knees by the bed and softly took Namsoon’s hand into his own. He gently kissed his lovers finger tips one by one before holding his hand next to his heart.  He looked over at the boy with sad eyes, almost scared to let go of his hand. He held on tight for a few minutes staring at Namsoon’s face, counting his eye lashes. He knew once he let go no other hand in the world could stop the trembling from the earthquake inside of him. He could never love anyone like he loved Go Namsoon. Never.
But he could also never forgive himself. The pain he caused the person he loves the most in the world. He looked over at Namsoon again. The boy looked so fragile. So pale and thin. He was ruined. Heungsoo ruined him. Seraphic ing Namsoon was gone. He was now just a sick boy in a hospital gown. And here was Heungsoo still holding onto him, still annihilating the boy by desperately clinging on. What was he doing? Heungsoo suddenly let go of his hand like he was hit with an electric shock, watching it collapse at the side of the bed. No. No more. He needed to get as far away as possible from here. Namsoon still had a chance. He will get better. He can move on with his life. He can be happy. But not with Heungsoo. Because Heungsoo was ing poison to the boy.
Heungsoo stood up. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe knowing this would be the last time he would see Namsoon ever again. Knowing that he couldn’t even say a good enough goodbye, knowing he didn’t deserve to say a good enough goodbye. He turned around and the world stopped spinning. He walked out the door.
--

“Come on Namsoon. You have to eat,” Ha Kyung nagged, nudging Namsoon in the arm. “The sooner you get your energy back the quicker you can leave this place.”
Namsoon looked at her with an exasperated sigh. He took a small bite with his chopsticks before laying them back down in the tray.
“Hospital food should be illegal.”
Ha Kyung rolled her eyes.
Six days had gone by since Namsoon had his surgery. Six days of slowly but surely getting better. The doctors said as soon as he showed signs of gaining weight he could go back home. But that’s what he was worried about. He was scared. He didn’t have a home to go back to anymore. Once he left these four hospital walls, everything changes. He would have to begin his life again. Without Heungsoo. Namsoon closed his eyes tight. Heungsoo. He needed to stop ing thinking about Heungsoo.
“Are you ok?” Ha Kyung asked almost timidly, concern laced in her voice.
Namsoon opened his eyes.
“I’m fine. Where’s Kang Joo?” He asked quickly, trying to change the topic.
“She is coming here straight after work.”
Silence fell.
Ha Kyung suddenly leaned forward and brushed a strand of hair out of Namsoon’s face. Namsoon flinched at the contact.
“Sorry you had a-”
“Its fine,” Namsoon breathed out. He really needed to stop acting like this. Like a porcelain doll. No wonder Heungsoo got sick of him. He was so pathetic. He looked over at Ha Kyung who looked uncomfortable with the awkward silence.
“Hey, I was thinking.. When I’m out of this place if you wanted to go watch a movie or something?-” He asked, not quite knowing what he was saying. Ha Kyung was a nice girl. She was pretty and smart, and caring like a mother.
But she wasn’t Heungsoo. She didn’t make his heart fill up like a landfill. She didn’t make every square within him ignite. Namsoon flinched almost blurting out a “never mind.”
No. Enough. Heungsoo is gone.
He looked over at Ha Kyung expectedly.
“Sure,” She said quietly with a smile.
Namsoon forced himself to look happy. Forced the fatigue right off his face as he nodded with the weight of something which felt like betrayal.

--

Heungsoo stumbled out the bar almost knocking over a couple.
“Watch where your going!” The bystander yelled angrily shielding his girlfriend. Heungsoo laughed and shuffled towards him. He pointed a finger into the mans chest.
“You need to hold onto your girlfriend,” he slurred loudly. People around him began watching. Heungsoo tapped the man a few times in the chest.
“Once you make a mistake its over. Over!” He yelled stumbling a bit backwards.
The man gave him an incredulous look before guiding his girlfriend away.
“What are you all looking at!” Heungsoo yelled at the pedestrians watching him. Suddenly he felt a pair of arms snake around him holding him up.
“What the -”
He turned around to find Jaewon, his previous colleague from the school.
“Time to go home,” Jaewon said directing Heungsoo to his car.
“Get off me!” Heungsoo shrieked loudly trying to swing a punch towards his old friend.
“You’re a ing mess. Look at yourself Heungsoo, freaking pathetic!”
Heungsoo dropped his arms and tilted his head forward.
“Namsoon left me,” he cried, still slurring his words.
Jaewon looked at him pitifully.
“And you think the way to handle it is by getting yourself drunk every night? You think that would solve your problems? Come on bro, lets go home.”
Jaewon directed him to his car and leaned over to do his seatbelt. Heungsoo was silent.
“Why are you even helping me?” He asked breaking the silence.
“Because I’m your friend.”
Heungsoo snorted.
“Aren’t you creeped out? I’m a dirty .”
“I wish you would view me higher than that,” Jaewon said rolling his eyes. “I couldn’t care less what or who you like to .”
Heungsoo sighed loudly.
“No job, no money, no.. Namsoon.” He said choking on the last part. “Is life really worth it.”
Jaewon stopped the car.
“Don’t think like that. Don’t ever think like that,” he said urgently. Heungsoo sat shocked. “You ed up. But guess what life goes on. Stop moping and go change the situation. Find another ing job. Get yourself together.” He paused for a moment, lowering his tone. “I’m going to buy some coffee to sober you up, then I’m going to take you back home. Wait here.”
Jaewon left the car and walked into the nearest coffee shop. Heungsoo his side looking blankly out the window trying to ignore the heavy feeling from within. Jaewon didn’t understand. He couldn’t simply just get his life back together again. He hasn’t ever known a life without his lover by his side. Except those painful years back in high school, which is proof alone he needs the boy. Living life everyday is just a slow ache. He almost wished he never met Namsoon. Because then maybe he would be able to sleep at night. Be able to live with himself. He couldn’t live with himself. He hated himself.
He stared out the window again watching people walk by. They didn’t know how lucky there were, going on with their day to day lives, not having to battle their demons every single ing minute of the day. His eyes lingered on the couples walking hand in hand. If only he had been a little braver he could have done that with Namsoon. Took him out like he used to when they first started dating. Showed him off to the world because god he was so beautiful. So breathtakingly beautiful. But that beauty turned into tragedy and here was Heungsoo left with the pieces of what could have been. What should have been.
A tall boy walked past with a girl, and Heungsoo glued his eyes to the back of him. He looked strikingly similar to his lover, even the way he walked made Heungsoo cling onto his seat. The tall boy playfully nudged the girl who seemed to be laughing by the way her body was convulsing. The girl dropped her bag and they stopped walking. The boy turned around to pick it up and Heungsoo’s heart dropped out of his chest. It was Namsoon. Namsoon who he hadn’t seen in weeks since that last day at the hospital. Namsoon with Ha Kyung. Namsoon looking happy with Ha Kyung.
And that was probably the final push Heungsoo needed to make up his mind.



So I left this chapter end fairly ambiguously, who knows what it could mean…
On a second note I owe everyone who is subscribed to this story an apology. I can’t believe it has taken me so long to update. If you have time to hear my excuses I would blame it on uni and finally moving into my own place, but there’s no point getting into all off that. Just know that I promise updates will be coming more and more frequent now. I am giving my fics 100 percent of my focus.
Thank you to all the people who subscribed and commented. Every time I read your comments I felt so guilty but so happy people were still reading and enjoying this fic. I try to respond to every comment but If I missed you then I love you <3 And to those who added me on a friend here or on tumblr. Lets be friends! Talk to me :D (My tumblr is daebakjem.tumblr.com)  I have a few points I would like to mention.
1) It has been a while since Woobin announced he was dating. A few people commented with concerns that I was going to stop writing because of this. My answer is of course not. I love Jongbin but as much I wanted to believe I knew it wasn’t real. That doesn’t stop me thinking Heungsoon isn’t real because we all know that is ;)
2) I went to see Super Junior and Infinite in London this month gfkjdsghghfdjlh was amazing, if anyone else went to the London concert talk to meeeee so we can fan girl.
3) I am currently obsessed with Block B and particulary with the Zikyung ship. I started a Zikyung fic and if any of you are interested you can find it here: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/620889/i-turned-and-the-world-stopped-spinning-zikyung
4) People seem to have mixed views on what direction this story should go in. Would it be a happy ending or a sad ending? I can’t answer this right now except to say I have had the ending of this fic planned even before I started writing it. Some people are not happy since this fic is mainly angst but that’s the main theme for this story OTL A very angst emotional fic (I am so sorry haha) I just hope everyone is happy when the end does come.
And finally I love you all. Thank you so much for sticking by this fic you are all amazing. I am now off to finish writing the Chasing Ghosts update.
Jem xxx