"When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it more than we should, eventhough we want it so badly to change. It's because that misery is something that we are familiar with, something that we have grown accustomed to, that it became comfortable to us."

---

"I smiled sadly as the coffee warmed my hands. I sat on a chair on the lounge, where Doojoonie and me had a small dissension awhile ago. It's not really an argument though. Doojoon just wanted to get his point through."

The point that I'm being foolish for staying with Junhyung when there's that fact that he has forgotten about me and we're no longer together.

"A part of me already knew that; for my brain and my heart are not in sync with each other when it comes to the one I love."

They kept fighting with each other, debating and arguing what should I do with you.

"My mind says that I should just give you up, move on, and forget you like what Doojoonie said. On the other hand, my heart says to be strong, hold on, even if it's painful and is already in pieces." 

Which do you think I should choose? Frankly, I don't even know anymore. 

"I always listen to my heart, because its small voice always draw me towards you. It is always right. But of course, I'm not saying that what my brain says is wrong."

It just prefers the escape route, and just doesn't want me to be hurt. A self-defense mechanism. 

"Hey Junnie-ah, should I listen to my brain this time? Should I give up?"

  Because I don't even know why I'm still here in the hospital, waiting for you and making that sort of lie.

"Yang Yoseob, you're roommate and benefactor!"

Initially, I just felt that I had no right to say that I'm your boyfriend. 

"You already broke up with me even though I didn't know why. Then you had some special kind of retrograde amnesia, forgetting me alone." 

Million questions started rushing to my brain, on it's attempt to find a reason. 

There was none. 

"If someone were to ask me which do I prefer, the person you love breaking up with you or the person you love forgetting you?" 

Of course, they're both painful, but if I really need to choose, I'll choose the former. 

"Because nothing is more painful that having the person you love forget everything about you, and everything that you've been through. Even death sounds more appealing."

But both happened to me, ironic isn't it? It's like I did something wrong to deserve this. 

Maybe I did. If loving someone was a sin, then I'd be in hell by now. 

"But I don't regret loving you, Junnie-ah; for you gave me a reason to live. "

You were the reason for my breathing.  I breathe for the sole reason that you're here. I live for you. 

"So maybe... When Doojoonie asks again Why I'm with you... The reason must be  because I couldn't leave you alone if I wanted to. I loved you too much not to    draw away. "

Because if I did, I would really die. 

"But you know, as time passes, I feel that my resolve is wavering."

I sensed it when you pulled me into bed with you before. 

"My heart was beating so fast, making all sorts of booming sounds as I lied there with you.

" It was like what we did on the past. 

"You always made the most silly excuses just to get me in bed."

I loved it either way.

"Funny,even though I felt that my heart was about to leap off my chest during that time I slept comfortably with you."

I think it's because you were there beside me.

"We always slept together that's why sleeping alone has become foreign to me."

That's why during those three weeks I had the worst insomnia ever. 

"Hey Junnie-ah, is there a reason behind your action? Is this just a friendly action only?"

Are you remembering something?

"It's always the same. A glimpse of hope, then it fades away."

There's no way you can remember something so easily; but there's also no way that you can just forget something so easily.

A friend concerned about his friend's health.

"My words are like daggers piercing my heart."

I'm ashamed, for hoping something to exist. 

But let me hope, imagine, that there is something. Dream, may it be.

"Grant me the luxury to do so. "

So when I fell asleep, yours is the last thing I'll see, and will first see when I wake up

. ----

"I drank the coffee that became cold as I began to remember what happened  in Junnie's room before. I felt my blood getting warm."

Stop, your resolve is changing, my mind  is saying.

"Is it not possible to have a resolve underneath another resolve?"

I'm aware of its existence, and I'm guilty for it. 

That's why I'm beginning to make excuses to my brain right now.

"Why did you lie," it asks me.

"I didn't want to hurt him, so I lied. He was the one who decided to forget. I am in no position to remind him what he had forgotten, even if it was me who he had forgotten."

"Why do you stay when you mean nothing to him?"

"He is to me. Call it selfish but I just want to stay by his side, regardless that we're no longer together. "

"You know there's more than that. Why make up lies that you're his roommate and benefactor? Clearly there's more to that."

"I... I want to be something to him, even if it is just being a friend!"

" You know yourself, Yoseob. Deep inside, you wish for him to remember."

---

Guilt, remorse and shame is what I'm feeling right now. 

"It was true, I wanted him to remember everything about me."

And then he'll just get hurt again.

"I'm so selfish."

I'm sorry Junnie-ah.

That you had to love someone that is so selfish.

Maybe it was better that you have forgotten about me.

...

"The pain in my heart grew greater, as I sank to a deeper hole as I thought of those words. I felt the incipient tears; I tried to stop it by biting my lower lip, but it didn't stop the tears from flowing despite the metallic taste of my blood."

I don't want to cry anymore. 

Junnie, please stop these painful tears.

"So I cried again, this was becoming a routine. It was tiring me. I covered my face with my hands."

"Hey you... Don't cry anymore."

A faint voice from Junnie that I heard in my dream. It echoed through my ears, his voice was soothing, as it amazingly stopped my tears.

"I felt warm inside, a happy feeling when something good happens to you."

A small smile crept it's way on my face as I remembered parts of my dream.

"Junnie was caressing my cheek, his other hand my hair. "Hey you... Don't .. Cry anymore," he whispered to me. There was concern, and a faint hint of love in it."

My smile grew wider as it turn into a loving smile.

  "Even if it was a dream, it's enough for me."

TBC

a/n: some have read a different chapter five but kindly ignore or forget that. Thank you