When we got to Jay's the party was well under way. We had to park the car a block over because cars littered his whole street. I could hear the music from outside.

 

"If I knew I'd have to walk a block I would've worn different shoes." I complained. 

 

I had borrowed a pair of heels from Hyuna's closet and I was seriously regretting that decision. They were killing my feet.

 

"Agreed. I'm going to get a blister." Hyuna added.

 

When we walked in Hyuna saw her friend Sunny and walked away. Jiyoon was challenged to a game of beer pong, so she left as well. That left Doojoon and I, however we weren't alone for long.

 

"What up Guhyoon, this thenew gay?" Jay Park slurred. He came up to me and gave me a hug. He reeked of hard liquor. 

 

"Hey Jay. Yeah this is Doojoon." I replied.

 

"Whutupman! Bro you nod a drank!" Jay slung his arm over Doojoon and dragged him over to the kitchen. Doojoon looked at me for help, but I just stuck my tongue out at him.  Everyone had to be harassed by Jay at least once in their life. Besides, the guy was just one big block of muscle and I doubt I could've saved Doojoon if I tried.

 

I looked around looking for someone familiar. I saw some people I know, but no one I wanted to talk to. There seemed to be a lot of new people too. Guess I haven't been out in awhile. 

 

I was feeling overwhelmed. I felt like a tiny minnow in a big sea full of sharks. Everybody was having a good time laughing, drinking, dancing, but I just felt uncomfortable. I thought I was ready to go out again...but I just couldn't. I didn't want to pretend to laugh at everyone's jokes and pretend that beer actually tasted good. I didn't wanted to pretend that it was okay that half of my economics class was hooking up in the hot tub. I didn't want to pretend that everything was fine, because it wasn't. 

 

"Gayoon!"

 

I saw Yoseob coming my way. He was smiling and holding two drinks in his hand. Crap. I couldn't talk to him. Yoseob was a good friend, but I needed to be alone. I ducked my head, pretending not to see him, and made my way through the crowd of people. I went up the stairs and looked for an empty room.

 

"Thanks man, now I gotta go to the bathroom okay? I'll talk to you later." I said, finally getting away from Jay. The dude was smashed. 

 

The guy brought me to get a drink and then proceeded to tell me all about his work out regimen. Normally I could've escaped a guy like him easily, but I was undercover, so I couldn't just punch or shove the guy. 

 

I locked the door in the bathroom and dumped the drink Jay made down the sink. I then washed cold water over my face. The night already . I didn't want to be at a house full of drunken college students. I took a few deep breaths before walking out.

 

I scanned the room for Gayoon, but couldn't find her. Damnit where did she go?

 

I looked through the house for Gayoon, but I saw no sign of her silky brown hair. I then went out side and thank god she wasn't out there. I could not unsee the freak show hookup going on in the pool. 

 

I went back inside and saw Jiyoon. I was going to ask her if she saw Gayoon, but she looked busy wrapped around some guy's waist. I then spotted Yoseob.

 

"Hey man have you seen Gayoon?" I asked him.

 

"I saw her earlier in the living room..but by the time I got to her she was gone. I don't know where she went." He replied. He seemed a little depressed.

 

"I'm going to go find her." I replied. 

 

I went to walk away, but Yoseob grabbed my wrist. I looked at him waiting to see what he wanted.

 

"Hey, uhm just take care of her okay?" He said. He sounded...sullen.

 

"Trust me man, I will." I said. Yoseob just nodded and walked away. I think I heard him mutter something about 'losing a competition'.

 

I continued to search for Gayoon, but I couldn't find her anywhere. . I was starting to get worried. I asked a couple of random people if they've seen her but they either haven't seen her or just saw her walk in. What if something happened to her? . 

 

I made my way upstairs and checked the bathroom, office, and study but she wasn't there either. I put my hand in my pocket and put it on my gun. I noticed one bedroom door slightly ajar. I pushed it open and asked if anyone was in there. I scanned the room and noticed the balcony door was open.

 

I walked over and peered out the door. I sighed in relief and instantly relaxed. She was fine.

 

"What are you doing out here by yourself?" I asked.

 

 

I was sitting on the floor of the balcony when I heard someone speak. I jumped in surprise. 

 

"You just scared the crap out of me!" I exclaimed. 

 

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you, but you didn't answer my first question."  Doojoon then took a seat next to me on the floor. 

 

"I wanted to be alone." I replied. Doojoon needed to leave. I was in no emotional state to be making small talk. 

 

"Well that's kind of hard at a party like this." He teased. I didn't reply. I couldn't. 

 

Doojoon then leaned towards me to get my attention. "You know you can let it out. You can tell me"

 

"Tell you what." I whispered. I couldn't speak. My tears were threatening to fall and I was having a hard time keeping it together.

 

"What's been bothering you. I can tell you're upset. Gayoon you can tell me." He took my hands in his and rubbed his thumbs over them as if to encourage me.

 

When I finally looked up at him I saw that he was serious. I still didn't know Doojoon very well, but I felt...safe when I was with him. He made me feel protected. A few tears escaped and he wiped them away. He didn't speak. I knew he was waiting for me to finally open up. I sighed before telling him.

 

"My mom died." I said. I took a few deep breaths before continuing. "She was the only family I had. She was...my world. I just..I can't come to terms with it. One minute she was just going out to buy groceries and the next minute she was gone. I asked Hyuna and Jiyoon to move in with me to help ease the pain, but it's made it worse. I try to put up a happy front for their sake, but inside I'm still hurting.....I don't want to burden them with my pain."

 

I then starting sobbing. I was so embarrassed, but I couldn't stop the tears. 

 

I felt Doojoon wrap his arms around me and pull me closer. He was my hair trying to calm me down. It only made me cry more.

 

"Everything reminds me of her. When I drive by the bakery we used to visit, when I look at the Hydrangeas in the garden that she planted, when I see the stuffed dog she bought me at a Carnival when I was eight." I said hysterically. "I thought I could finally come out tonight and finally try to have fun, but I couldn't do it...and now I'm hysterically crying in front of a cute guy I just met a couple days ago."

 

He pulled me even closer after that. I was pretty sure I was on his lap at this point. I proceeded to cry on his shoulder for ten minutes. When I finally calmed down he pulled me away a few inches so I could see his face.

 

"Don't ever feel like a burden. You could never be a burden Gayoon. It's okay to show pain in front of others. Sometimes it's stronger to let the emotions out rather than keep them bottled in. I understand that your mom was very special to you. I know the pain will never fully vanish, but your mom would want you to be happy. She is looking down at you and her heart is breaking seeing you like this. "

 

His voice was almost a whisper. He was looking at me seriously still, but his voice was tender.

 

"Thank you." I said and hugged him. He did more for me than he will ever know. He made me open up. 

 

We stayed like that for awhile, both content with the peaceful silence. When he spoke it was my turn to comfort him.

 

"My mom and dad died too." He said. "My mom died when I was very young from cancer and my dad had a heart attack about 4 years ago. It still hurts, but it gets better." 

 

I looked at him sympathetically. "Doojoon, I'm so sorry, I had no idea." I replied.

 

"It's okay. I don't talk about it much. I just wanted to let you know that it gets better...and that if your ever upset you can talk to me. You know where I live after all." 

 

I smiled at his last statement and he smiled too. We stayed like that for the rest of the night, on that balcony. Doojoon told me about his older sister that was studying fashion in Paris, and about his days at Joongsan High School.  I learned that he liked to rap when he was in the car, that he is afraid of heights and that he was a big sports fan. Doojoon had opened up to me and I had opened up to him. I had finally opened up to someone.

 

 

Gayoon had fallen asleep on my chest. I knew about Gayoon's mother, but hearing her finally tell me her side of the story broke my heart. I ended up telling her about my parents deaths. We had talked the whole night and I didn't lie once. I was able to tell Gayoon about my life without mentioning the mafia.

 

When I looked down at Gayoon I knew I was in trouble. She was beautiful inside and out. I knew that I had fallen in too deep and couldn't get out. 

 

I then felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I wasn't a college student, I was just an undercover agent. She would never want me if she knew what I really was.