LUHAN POV:

They life we lived was so beautiful.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Every second spent with Sehun, my Sehun, only mine. Sehun didn't smile often but when he did it was the most beautiful smile in the world. I never knew what love was about but he was the first to show it to me.

Love was easy, like a summer night, nice and hot. It wasn't just about being physically close to each other, it was about being able to laugh at any time of the day, and night. Love was sweet like vanilla, like Sehun's cologne everytime I breathed his scent in when I cuddled him close. 

Love valued more than silver and gold, or so I thought, and back then I couldn't imagine being apart from Sehun, ever. All the images from our past they're all burned in my head. Every single one. 

Everytime I found myself in his arms, embracing his tall, warm body I felt safe. Safe from everything the world was going to throw at me. It was only thanks to Sehun that I achieved the things I achieved today. 

I was shopping with Sehun, just walking around together in the nearest shopping mall, laughing together and fooling around. That was when a tall man in suits approached me and gave me the bussiness card that changed my life. The key to fulfill my dreams.

My dreams of becoming a singer.

I had been singing since I was five year old. I played the piano and guitar and wrote own songs, night into night. I loved composing just as much as I loved everything else related to music, it was my passion, the thing that gave me a purpose to life. 

It was Sehun who always said 'It would be a waste if someone doesn't recognise your talent.' 

And so one day it happened. I signed my first contract for a well-known company and I was ready for everything that life was going to throw at me. Really.

Starting tomorrow I would move to an apartment downtown, I didn't really know what was awaiting me so I was nervous and of course Sehun noticed. Sehun always noticed things. 

I was throwing a little party on the beach with a few friends from college that summer, the last summer I would be actually free. 

Music was blasting through some speakers, someone lit a little fire and people were dancing with beer bottles in their hands. Everything was going smooth and well, it was a nice little 'farewell party'. It wasn't like I was going to disappear though. I was just going to be a bit busier than before.

The sand still felt very hot underneath my bare feet and Sehun's touch on my wrist was burning. I had a beer or two, I was trying to loosen up a little, but it didn't seem to help much. I was scared. The night was too perfect, like every summer night with Sehun, but I was scared about what was coming tomorrow.

I didn't want Sehun to know.

"You're nervous, I can feel it", Sehun said casually and grabbed my other hand to it gently.

"I'm not", I mumbled and looked away. 

"I know why you are. You're afraid people aren't going to like you, or your voice. But believe me, people are going to love you. You're gorgeous and talented, someone must be blind and deaf not to be your fan, alright?"

Sehun always knew the right words to say, even if he struggled to manage his own life. Sehun was the complete opposite of me. He was happy with small things, didn't try to reach for more than he already had. 

I, on the other hand, couldn't do that. I couldn't sit still and watch as the days go by. I need to do something in order to be remembered. I needed to be able to make a change, before it was too late. A positive change.

"What I always wanted to know is", Sehun started when we walked a little further away from the party, where I was able to hear his voice quiet and clear, "why do you want to become a singer so badly?"

We were laying in the sand next to each other, me snuggled up his chest as we watched the starry night sky. I didn't have a clue how late it was. I only knew how good it felt to be next to Sehun, and how someday, maybe, I am going to regret the choices I made.

I am going to regret them because I am going to break a promise I made with Sehun one summer day. The jam jar. It kept reminding me every day not to break that promise.

I just let his words sink in before I replied in a mumble. "I want to make people happy."

Sehun didn't seem to react at first either and just let out a low 'hm'. I put my arm over his broad shoulders and closed my eyes.

"And why do you want to make people happy?" It might have sounded like a stupid question, but it wasn't. I knew the answer. 

But I kept my eyes closed and my mouth shut, pretending to have fallen asleep on Sehun's chest. 

I didn't want to tell Sehun that the only reason I wanted to make other people happy was because I didn't care about them. I didn't care about all the people, fans, whoever was going to listen to my voice in the future. They weren't as important to me as Sehun was, and so I won't care if I fail and disappoint them.

But if I disappoint Sehun I will care.

---------------

1 year later

One year has passed and my life changed completely. I would have never thought about becoming that successfull. I hoped I could release an album and give a few concerts around Seoul and a few smaller cities, but the response I got from fans was incredible.

Sold-out concerts, album sales that topped all solo singers Korea's, newspaper wanting to write about me from all over Asia. It was like I was trapped in a never-ending dream. The popularity I gained in a short period of time was mesmerising. 

I didn't know what made me so popular, people always told me it was my angelic voice and pretty face, that was a very nice combination, but personally I think I had a lot of luck. Of course, I put a lot of effort in what I was doing, but without people wanting to hear me out I wouldn't have made it.

Just recently my face was printed on the most popular fashion magazine of Korea. That was a huge acomplishment and so my management gave me two days off as a reward and I would have immediately ran off to Sehun, but that wasn't so easy anymore.

The fame also came with its negative sides. The more popularity I gained, the more dangerous it was stepping outside on the streets. People, photographers, fangirls, they all followed me everywhere, and even though I am more than thankful for everyone supporting me and my music, sometimes it was exhausting.

Exhausting and just different. Suddenly I wasn't able to the local supermarket anymore without getting recognised and people wanting to give them my signature. I wasn't able to buy candy without people spreading gossips a là 'oh my god, is Luhan going against his diet? Is that pimple on his face because of too many candies?'. 

The worst was, I had to keep my relationship with Sehun a secret. From everyone, not even my manager knew. Sometimes that made me sad because like that, Sehun was just one of my fans. Sometimes I laid in bed wide awake thinking about him, missing him, just wanting to run out and crawl into his bed.

Luckily I was so overworked that most of the times I didn't even have the time to worry about Sehun.

The next big thing I was working on was my second single. Now that he first had been such a big hit, although it was just a simple, catchy pop song with a simple choreography, I was even more pressured to make my second single even bigger. 

I wanted it to be a cheesy, acoustic love song. Like for all of my songs, Sehun was my inspiration. His cute text messages, his voice over the phone, the rare times we were able to see each other. They all helped me writing songs by myself. 

I was sitting in our company's practise room with a guitar on my lap and a sheet of paper and a pen next to me. I was playing a simple melody, trying to find the one that expressed my love for Sehun the best. There was no one else in the room and I quite enjoyed the loneliness for a while.

I liked working alone, but I didn't like being lonely.

The peace I had for a moment was disturbed instantly when all of a sudden I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders and I tensed. "What are you working on, huh?"

"Jongin, I told you not to scare me like that."

Kim Jongin was one of my background dancers, he was Sehun's age and really handsome too. He had tanned skin and full lips, was tall and had chocolate brown hair. And wow, the guy could dance indeed. Everytime he was on stage he looked at the audience like he was a beast going to eat you up.

Very intimidating, but he was a nice guy backstage. He was shy in the beginning, as I was the older one, but he worked longer for the company so he was the one who had shown me around and so we became pretty close. Something like best friends.

"Let me look at it", Jongin said and grabbed for the notes that were distributed next to me. I sighed as I didn't really like people looking at my work before it's finished, but Jongin has always been like that, so I let him. It wouldn't help fighting him anyways, he was very stubborn.

"All my dreams and all the lights mean nothing if I can't have you?", Jongin read out the lyrics and looked at me with furrowed brows, "why so cheesy?"

"It's going to be something cheesy this time. Inspired by a story." I didn't want to say my own story.

"Well, you know I'm not really a fan of lies. You say all the fame and money and your dreams mean nothing to you if you cannot have the person you love, but that's bull. If so, you'd have become a baker and not an idol. But yeah, I know. That's how this industry works."

There was a little truth in what Jongin says. Of course I loved Sehun, but I also loved what I was doing. It would be unfair to make me choose between these two. But people wanted cheesy, cute pop songs, so that is exactly what I was going to give them.

"Sometimes I feel like I am the professional here, not you." I chuckled.

"Well, you are. You're the one with the angelic voice, not me." Jongin crossed his arms and pouted, pretending to be mad before he continued. "So, do you already know the title of the song?"

"Here with you", I answered, like it was determined from the very beginning.

"Sounds like good stuff. But if it's some cute acoustic song, does that mean there won't be a choreography?"

"Of course there will. I can't give you a break just like that, can I?" Jongin laughed at that remark.

"Seriously, Luhan. You need a break, you always work so hard", Jongin said and started massaging my shoulders gently and I relaxed a little, forgetting that I had to finish a song, "you even work in your free time. You're supposed to rest and give others a hard time instead."

"Ah yeah, right there, mh." Jongin's hands just worked like magic and I couldn't remember the last time someone touched me that well. I missed it as well, being touched and caressed and loved. But that couldn't be helped. 

"I know how to use my body well, Luhan", Jongin whispered in my ears. "I know it the best."

If Jongin was flirting or just trying to be nice to me, I couldn't tell. The gentle touches made me forget what I was supposed to do, what my job was, that I needed to go back to work. 

I thought im fantasizing when his hands moved down lower to touch my chest, but I shrugged when suddenly his hands retreated from my body and he turned to the door and saw someone entering.

"...did I disturb you guys at something?" I can tell the voice belongs to Zhang Yixing, my second background dancer. Yixing was the more oblivious one of the two, but he was just as good at dancing at Jongin was. That's why I chose them both as my main dancers. 

Also, Yixing was Chinese as well, which made me a little happy because I was able to chat with someone in my mother tongue about home. Yixing was very nice to chat with, he always agreed and smiled so cutely that his dimples were showing. Additionally, he helped me with composing and let me tell you, the guy has talent, and the only reason he didn't debut as a singer yet was that he was too quiet. Didn't have an outstanding personality. And probably because he wasn't fluent in Korean.

I wouldn't say I had an outstanding personality either, but talking openly about things and smiling and having a pretty face sure helped a lot. I liked believing that it was my good character that brought me here.

"No, Yixing, you're just being your annoying self, like always", Jongin groaned.

"Okay then I'll just eat all the food I bought by myself." Yixing was about to make it back to the door when Jongin stopped him.

"Did you say food? I guess Luhan especially needs some right now. Look at how bony his wrists are", Jongin laughed as he grabbed one of my wrists and held them up in the air. "Come on, let's eat together."

We sat on the wooden floor together and Yixing unpacked the bags with food and gave both of us a plate made of plastic and chopsticks. "I bought so much Korean food, I don't even know how all of this is called, but I hope you enjoy it", Yixing said with his thick accent and started grabbing for the food first.

"I heard they are going to debut a female solo singer soon", Jongin told us after a while of eating and sharing a bottle of soju. Alcohol was prohibited for us, so it was a rare occassion that we got the chance to taste a little. "But hey, Lu. You're still going to be the prettiest." 

I blushed as Jongin offered me a piece of meat from his chopsticks and I gladly opened my mouth so he could feed me. What I liked about him was that he was full of surprises and still did so many reckless things. 

"Hey, feed me too!", Yixing whined and I couldn't help but giggle. "Yah, don't be so greedy. You have your own food", Jongin complained and shoved a piece of kimchi in Yixings mouth. 

It felt so good to spent the night with my friends, even if it was in the practise rooms on the cold floor eating cheap Korean food from the supermarket and talking bad about rookies. 

Fun times became so rare in my life that I was happy with those two, even in situations like that. We were in the same situation and I could talk with them about everything.

Well, about most everything. I didn't tell them about Sehun. I didn't like talking about him with others, it felt like I would give a piece of my happiness away if I did so. So I just pretended to be one of them with no one at home waiting except for my parents.

Talking about Sehun, when it was nearly 3AM and Jongin was playfully hitting Yixing while discussing who of the other female artists had the best looking s, I decided to look at my mobile phone. It showed one new message from Sehun.

6:12PM From: Sehunnie<3
To: Luhan
Your new hair colour suits you, blonde looks adorable on you <3 I really want to see you right now. Is there a chance I might steal you for a night? (: 

I smiled when I read the message. I guess Sehun has seen my new hair colour on the magazine covers and his message was just so incredibly cute! I felt really bad that I was going to reply that late. Time went by so fast when you had so many things to do, but the smile Sehun put on my face wouldn't go away that fast, so I replied back quickly.

02:24AM To: Sehunnie<3
From: Luhan
Thank you Sehun<3 I miss you too, I really do. My managed forced me to practise the new dance until late as you see -.- Of course! I have a day off in two weeks... But you can come to my fansign on Saturday! Will you come? Please T_T

"Why are you smiling? Are you writing someone special?", Jongin teased when he noticed me smiling at my mobile. 

I rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not. Aren't I allowed to smile when fans write cute stuff on my fanboard?" 

Yixing wanted to know what it was so he scrolled down my fanboard, but there were so many, hundreds of messages posted an hour, so we ended up laughing about the funny ones and Jongin replied to some of them pretending to be me.

It was about 3AM when sleep kicked in and we decided to go back to our apartments. 

--------------

The sun was shining really hot the day the fansign was held. That's why it was held outside under a big white tent. It was my first official fansign and I couldn't help but feel a little bit excited as I saw the big crowd in front when I got off the van and arrived properly.

I bit my lips and was guided by two bodyguards instantly past some photographers to get to my table. The cards I was supposed to sign were already there with a few markers and wow, there was a lot. But there were definitely more fans than cards, that was for sure.

I was wearing a blue shirt and white jeans and I didn't even do much but I could feel the sweat running down my skin. I wish they had some fans here. Or at least ones that work properly, I thought as I noticed one in the corner of the tent.

"Luhan-sshi, do you need something?", one of the staff members asked when I leaned back in my chair and another one rushed by with a make-up brush to adjust the make-up. 

"A bottle of cold water would be nice. But it shouldn't be too cold, I can't risk my throat to suffer afterwards." 

I put my sunglasses down next to me and got to work as the first fan approached the table, a short girl with black, straight hair and my CD held in front of her face. She giggled as she put it down in front of me to sign.

"Oppa, I really like you. And your music. You're amazing, I can sing all your songs by heart. You're such a great inspiration, I wish I could become a singer too", she talked so fast, like she had so much to say but so little times.

Most of the fans were like that. Shy in the beginning, then talking like their life depended on it. Like they'd never get the chance to see me again. Most of them were cute and friendly and showered me with compliments and some even left little presents like self-made photobooks or cakes. 

"Oppa likes you too, and believes in you that you can become the prettiest singer one day." I smiled at her as I handed her the CD back again. 

"But not prettier than you", she smiled before she bowed and waved goodbye, and I waved back as she disappeared.

Most of the fans asked the same questions anyways, and it became quite boring after a while, but I continued smiling because that's what my job was about.

"Oppa, what kind of girl do you like?"

"A girl like you, sweetheart."

Some of the fans can be a little obsessed and pushy, and some liked asking inappropriate questions. Of course that was uncomfortable, but what a professional does is keep smiling, no matter what. Being rude to fans was just going to ruin my image.

"Lu oppa, which of your two background dancers do you like more? Jongin or Yixing oppa?"

"I like both equally."

"Come on, that can't be! Yixing is just your best friend right? I see the way Jongin touches you at practise." She pouts but one of the security guards immediately steps in: "Other people are waiting, please go on."

And so after what felt like a billion signatures, I finally heard the voice I wanted to hear. "H-hey."

I looked up and finally saw him, Sehun. He looked so excited and happy and his bright smile cheered me up immediately. He was still so good-looking, wearing a simple shirt and jeans even though I could feel he was nervous. He always was when we met in public.

"How are you?", I asked and leaned a bit too much over the table.

"Good, and you?"

"Nervous. I was waiting so long to see you." I looked down and lowered my voice as I said so, since I didn't want to attract any attention. "I missed you too."

It seemed Sehun wanted to say something when he was interrupted by a girl behind him shouting. "What's taking you so long?! It's our turn now!"

"I'm sorry you cannot stay longer", I sighed and tried my best to keep smiling. I had to be strong now, not to disappoint Sehun. "I already miss you again." I took one of the cards and wrote something down quickly instead of signing it and handed it to him. Our hands touched for a moment and I felt butterflies in my stomach all over again.

"I love you", Sehun said and I know how sincere that I love you was, and all I wanted was to say 'I love you too', but there he was pushed aside by another girl that eagerly put her magazine in front of me to sign. 

She was talking and talking, but I couldn't really listen and watched how Sehun disappeared in the mass of people. Sehun definitely recieved the cutest card today.

Just for my Sehun <3 I love you forever and ever! Please don't forget to eat healthy, burgers aren't that good for your health... Your love, Luhan.

I may be a hero, an idol to so many people out there, but Sehun was the only one who truly knew how vulnerable I was. Sehun was the only one that could break me in mere seconds and I loved him so much.

Sometimes I wished I could leave everything behind and run to him.

----------------

A week later I wrote Sehun that I was going to visit him next Saturday after midnight at the restaurant he works at. I just came back to Korea after promotions in China and I had probably never been as tired and exhausted as I was then. That was my only free night next Saturday.

I just arrived back at my apartment and was looking at myself through the big mirror in my bedroom. Everything in my room looked so pretty and luxurious, the double bed that always felt too empty, the expensive paintings on the wall that were just there for decorative purposes, my walk-through wardrobe, even the clothes and jewellery I was wearing. 

Today hadn't been the best day in my life. I did a mistake in a live interview, didn't follow the script, was scolded afterwards. The microphone stopped working in the middle of a performance in my showcase and parts of my singing was cut off. I accidentally pushed a girl on my way to the dance halls.

Then Yixing didn't seem to have a good day either. I heard him talking to a girl about how 'cocky' and 'full of myself' I have become and that 'it was just a matter of time until I'll be replaced with someone better, someone with a fresher looking face'. The girl has responded with a 'didn't he sleep with he companys's boss to get the solo contract anyways' and Yixing laughed at that, saying that it could be true.

Only when I looked at myself I felt disgusted. My hair was a mess, not sure if it was because of all the dance practise or the wind or fans trying to pull my hair as I was trying to get back to my apartment. I had dark circles under my eyes as well. I barely got any sleep the past few days and all the traveling and the uncomfortable airplane seats made it just worse.

I yawned and strechted my arms and thought about if I should take a shower or just go straight to bed. I didn't feel like moving much, so probably I would just go to sleep no matter how disgusted and sweaty I felt at the moment. Another hard day awaited me tomorrow.

"You forgot one of your suitcases in the hall." I jolted when suddenly Jongin was standing in the doorway with one of my smaller suitcases in his hands. His apartment, that was just a little smaller than mine, was on the same floor, on opposite of mine. That's why we saw each other almost all the time.

I was wondering if he knew what Yixing said about me.

I didn't reply but kept staring at the mirror with half-lidded eyes and mouth agape. I expected Jongin to leave instantly, but I saw him in the mirror hugging me from behind and pulling me close to his chest.

"You shouldn't think too much. It's just a job. Just a job", he repeated in my ear like a mantra, "you're still Luhan, you're still so beautiful. That's what you want to hear, right? That's what everyone wants to hear."

"Jongin, you should-" I wanted to tell him to leave, but couldn't. I wanted to know what he was going to say.

"Don't bother about Yixing, that's just how this industry works. Celebrities gossip about each other just like the fans." Jongin's voice was so calm and warm against my neck even though he smelled like alcohol and I felt like I couldn't move when he started to my shirt.

"So, do you talk about me behind my back as well?"

"No, not like Yixing did. I just told everyone to stay away from you. Told them that this beautiful piece of belongs to me." 

I tried to struggle out of Jongin's grip but that just made him press his front harder against me, and I could already feel his arousal poking my back. 

He was still looking at me through the mirror and it kind of scared me, his stare was cold and empty, even though he smirked and looked tired as well, and that was when I realised he looked just like... me.

"Jongin, don't. I'm-"

"...in a relationship? I thought so already. No one smiles when looking at their mobile phone anymore but you. Yixing may be a little dumb, but I am not."

I couldn't break the eye contact from the mirror until Jongin finally turned me around to lead me towards the bed. I was being pushed down roughly and Jongin climbed on top of me before I could proceed to form a single thought, or struggle or push him away. I was too tired anyways.

"You know, Luhan, I was in a relationship too before I entered the company. But I was smart enough to break up at the right moment, before something like this happened. Because it was going to happen anyways, it's unavoidable."

Jongin's voice was just so perfect at the moment and his hands touched at all the right places and I felt even more disgusted with myself when I realised I was growing hard. It must have been the hormones that drove us both insane.

"We all feel lonely and crave for each other's attention. That's how it goes. Don't worry, I only do no-strings-attached things, so it's your choice what you do with your boyfriend. I won't pretend like I love you." 

Sehun. He would have been so grossed out if he knew what I did that night and that I fully enjoyed it. . It cleared my mind and relaxed my tense body and for a moment I completely forgot about missing Sehun.

How could I? If I'm honest I don't know. I feel like all the working made me go so numb, and the only way to make me feel something again was .

"You know what us people say?", Jongin asked when he removed both our pants, and his hands rubbed so nicely against my body. I was so disgusted by now that I didn't even dare to look at Jongin. I just turned my head to the side and gripped the bedsheets.

"There's this quote, it says: Kissing your hand may make you feel very, very good but a diamond and a sapphire bracelet lasts forever."

I tried to figure out what Jongin was trying to tell me while he devoured my body, but I was too tired to think about it.

The only thing I knew was that morning would come faster than I expect and that another day with a full schedule awaited me. 

So, I shouldn't think too much.

[a/n: OMG I'M SORRY I'M UPDATING LIKE A YEAR LATER OR SOMETHING OTL i just got my inspiration back lately and I will finish this soon;; hope I wrote well it's really hard writing from someone elses POV??? if you realised, that's exactly the things that have happened in the first chapter just from luhans POV now, and next(and last) chapter will be luhan POV of chapter 2(is this understandable im confusing myself) but it was also kind of fun at the same time heh hope you like it (I will edit later)]