SEHUN POV:

Never would I have believed Luhan was really standing in front of me, the real Luhan, after what seemed to be months. It was dark outside and windy but it was Luhan who ran out of a black van without even looking back and ran right into my arms.

It was Luhan who digged his fingernails into my shirt and burried his face into my chest. I wrapped my arms around him and his soft blonde hair. I just held him and didn’t  say a word. We just stood there for half an hour, without even looking into each others eyes.

“Luhan”, I nudged him slowly. I wanted to see his eyes. I wanted to kiss him and tell him it will be okay, like he always told me in the past. I didn’t want to waste any minute. “Baby. What’s wrong?”

“I… I don’t… even know”, Luhan sobbed and tried to hide his teary red eyes but I snapped his hands away, “Sehun-ah.”

He really looked pale and tired and I didn’t like seeing him like that. So weak and vulnerable. But on the other side I was glad he was being honest with me. I can imagine he’s trying his best to act tough and brave when working. Luhan was also just human and needed a rest like everyone else.

“Yeah?”, I asked as I his cheeks and felt his warmth.

“I love you.”

“I know you do”, I whispered and pecked his forehead.

It was unusual for Luhan to be this emotional and tell I love you’s without a reason, but it seemed that the distance also killed him inside. I could just feel it.

Without me asking further questions I took off his shoes carefully and we walked barefoot through the still warm sand, the beach along the sea, while in one hand I carried our shoes and with the other I held his hand firmly. We just looked into the distance but I still felt comfortable in Luhans presence.

When we found a quiet and lonely place, quiet a bit far away from the restaurant and civilisation, I turned him around to face him properly. I couldn’t stop looking at him and I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I had to say it because it had been on my mind for a long while.

“Luhan, I really miss you”, I started, “and I’m tired of being away from you. I’m tired of just looking at pictures of you. I want to have you with me. I want to kiss you and hug you and tell you you’re mine everyday. I want to wake up to you every morning and make you breakfast. I want to love you every single day.”

“I know, Sehun”, Luhan tried to smile but failed miserably and it hurt me even more than before.

“Is that all you’re going to say to that? Don’t you want to change anything? I haven’t seen you for weeks Luhan, and now it’s already past midnight.”

“I do, but my management forbids any kind of dating, not to talk about dating a boy.”

“It has always been your management! What about me?”

“It’s complicated”, Luhan bit his lips before looking up for the first time, “I know how you feel very well Sehun but you make me feel trashy right now too, because it sounds like you want me to decide between you and my passion. And I’m definitely not going to decide to quit either of those!”

I noticed that I overreacted and calmed my voice immediately. I didn’t want to make Luhan feel guilty for living his dream. That was really the last thing I would want to do. I just wanted him to show a bit more concern to my feelings as well.

“I’m…sorry”, I mumbled, “I’m trying to be strong, but it hurts not being around you like I used to in the past.”

It was silent for the next few minutes and we just sat down on the beach next to each other watching the sea shore. Our legs and arms touched slightly and Luhan leaned his head on my shoulder. I still held Luhans hand and I felt how sweat started to form in the palms of my hands.

“I think I lost my heart, Sehun”, Luhan whispered after a while, his voice was so low and weak that I wasn’t sure I heard it right.

“What?” I looked at him with a puzzled face expression.

There was only the sound of waves clashing against rocks, the wind and our steady breathing. And my heart pounding in my chest.

Bum.

Bum.

Bum.

“I think… I just lost it. I don’t feel my pulse anymore. Maybe I’m dead?”, Luhan avoided looking into my eyes as he was talking. 

I just couldn’t figure out what had gotten into Luhan and what he was talking about. Probably the lack of sleep had made him go insane? Maybe he was tired to that extent that he started to talk gibberish.

“What are you talking about? You’re alive, you’re in front of me Luhan. And I still love you no matter what. We can work that out together somehow.”

I pulled him into another tight embrace, his head against my chest, but this time he didn’t hug back. He threw his arms around me and held me close but he didn’t actually hug back. I didn’t feel his heartbeat with mine.

It was only my heart beating this time.

----------------------

Everything was in black-white colour when I opened my eyes and looked at my surroundings. The sea was black, the beach was white. Luhan was in a weird shade of grey, looking at me with empty eyes.

The eyes showed the way to ones soul, and there was nothing but emptiness in Luhans eyes.

I continued to look at him and started to panic. I started to shake him, to scream, but all my words remained silent. Luhan wasn’t moving, so wasn’t the sea. Time seemed to have stopped.

I kissed his lips, kissed his cheeks, his forehead, his nose. My kisses went down his body, his neck, his collarbone. I slowly started to his grey shirt to reveal more of his usually milky skin.

My hands started to shake uncontrollably so I tore his shirt apart, not caring about how the buttons flew into all directions. Now his bare chest was in front of me and my hands reached down touching his skin. 

I didn't know what I was thinking, I didn't know if I was thinking at all, I only knew I had to make sure Luhan was alive and his heart was still beating for me, for no one else. 

Without hesitating I grabbed a knife, I didn't even know where I suddenly got that from, and stabbed Luhan's chest with it instead of covering him in gentle kisses. I cut his flesh deep and deeper, I knew exactly what I wanted to reach.

His heart.

The flesh wasn't even that thick and it was easy to cut Luhan open. The blood was black just like the sea but I was sure Luhan's heart would be right there, I knew I was near.

I broke through his ribs, crashing the bones with my bare hands. Even from the inside Luhan was fragile and weak. My own heart was beating so fast, excited for what I was about to see.

But there was nothing to see.

Only a muddy, black mass where Luhan's heart was supposed to be. Darkness and chaos but no heart, or anything that looked similiar to it. 

This cannot be true.

How did Luhan live with this?!

How did he love, does he even love? Or is he just trying to fit in... There were so many things I wanted to ask him but he couldn't answer.

"Luhan..."

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"Sehun... Sehun!"

Suddenly I jolted up and found myself on my bed. My t-shirt was drenched in sweat and my hands were trembling. I looked at my hands but there was nothing unusual. My chest was moving rapidly as I tried to catch my breath.

"Seems like you had a nightmare." That was Chanyeol's voice.

I turned around and saw him sitting by my desk, his hands laid on his lap where he played with his mobile phone. My small desk lamp provided dimmed light but beside that it was pitch dark outside.

I remembered he helped me with studying for my upcoming exams but I didn't remember falling asleep.

"Luhan", I panted, "I need to see Luhan." I got up from bed and ran to the door.

"Sehun wait", Chanyeol grabbed my wrist and turned me around, "it's in the middle of the night, you cannot go anywhere. And Luhan isn't here. He's at work."

I just stared at Chanyeol waiting for his words to sink in and realised he was right. The last time I met Luhan was on the beach a few days ago and he wouldn't be coming anytime soon. Running to him wouldn't be a help either because I had no clue where he was.

"It was just a nightmare, okay", Chanyeol whispered and I found myself being pulled into his embrace. As much as I liked Chanyeol, it wasn't the same as when I hugged Luhan. I needed to smell Luhan's scent and hear his sweet voice, feel his delicate hands on my body. Not Chanyeol's.

"Are you okay?", Chanyeol tried again and cupped my face when he saw I didn't answer, "you look like lately. You need some rest. Is Luhan giving you stress?"

"No."

"What is it then?", Chanyeol sighed and put his hands on my shoulders, "Sehun, look. I really like you and I don't want you to suffer because of Luhan."

"I'm not suffering because of Luhan." I plonked myself down on my bed again, too tired to stand on my feet.

Chanyeol let out another deep sigh. He knew exactly I was lying but I really didn't want to talk about it with him either. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I did trust him a lot, but I didn't want to bother him with my own problems. It was something between Luhan and me and I'd prefer if it stayed like that. 

"Well, I'm not going to force you to talk", Chanyeol cleared his throat before he continued talking, "but I have an idea how to lift your mood probably. While you were asleep I was surfing the net and I stumbled across an interesting party."

Chanyeol unlocked his mobile as he sat next to me, our legs brushing, and shoved me something like a flyer with bright colours on his mobile screen, that said 'Young, Wild and Famous Party - Deluxe 2013'.

"What's that?"

"A party for the high-class society of Seoul", Chanyeol declared proudly and put an arm around my shoulders, "and guess who has a ticket."

"You? But why? You're not rich or anything... or have I missed something?" I gave him a weak smiled and he chuckled.

"No, but I used to work for a daily newspaper and I have a few good connections. Actually I was really looking forward to that party but I decided to give you that ticket, you need it more."

"Yeol, I cannot accept that." I looked up to his eyes and realized how close our faces actually were. 

"Yes you can, if you don't I'll be really mad", Chanyeol said sharply, "you need a party right now much more than I do."

"But I don't even like parties. It feels like I'm cheating on Luhan."

"That's not a regular club party where people sweat and grind on each other. That's a party where you drink champagne and eat fish eggs."

"You mean caviar?"

"Yeah, whatever. But you get what I mean? Snobby people who think they're something important while they're not. But it's clean and not messy like parties usually and you get free food and drinks. You can even try caliar."

"Caviar." I giggled.

"So you're going? I'll give you the ticket tomorrow okay? You deserved it after all this studying and worrying." Chanyeol looked really concerned about me so I didn't have a choice but say yes. Maybe it'll do me good if I go out for a while and try not to think about Luhan. 

"Yeah. I'll go, and I'll report to you how caviar tastes."

Chanyeol smiled wholeheartedly.

I told Chanyeol to sleep over since it was already very late that night but he refused and went home with his car, leaving me alone for the rest of the night. I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn't, images from my nightmare flashing to my mind every few minutes.

So I wrote Luhan a text message.

04:23am To: Xiao Lu
From: Sehun
I miss you. 

There was no reply.

----------------------

I didn't believe I would get to that exclusive party Chanyeol was talking about until I set foot in that luxury building. I showered before, combed my hair back and chose my best attire to wear this evening. I was wearing a pair of simple black jeans and a white shirt underneath a black blazer.

I thought I'd be able to fit in like that but already the doorman who checked my ticket checked it twice because I thought he never saw my face before. When I entered I knew why he did it. 

You could already tell by the clothing that those weren't ordinary people. Prada, Louis Vuitton, Giorgio Armani... There wasn't a single person that didn't have a super rich brand on them, was it the ladies or the men. 

I looked around to find a place for myself. At least the place wasn't too crowded and didn't smell like vomit, it was clean. I didn't know if I should be happy or concerned that no one was trying to talk to me or even look at me, and somehow I missed Chanyeol by my side that moment.

No matter how educated I was or how good-looking, this was a different world from mine.

Most of the lights shone on the dance-floor where some people enjoyed themselves with the newest electro-pop music, but most of them were sitting in some kind of VIP lounge with their group of people, sipped on a glass of champagne and had small-talks.

No one ate caviar though. 

Guess that was a stereotype.

On the right side there was a bar with a few couples sitting around, ordering drinks. But most of the drinks were brought by waiters to the people in their VIP lounge, so they were able to sit back in their comfortable couch-alike seats and continue their conversations. I walked to the bar first looking at the price list.

Most of the drinks cost more than my whole existence.

"Champagne's for free", one smiling waiter said as he offered me a glass. I smiled awkwardly in return and took the champagne, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Thanks."

While I walked around I think I saw a few local models I knew from magazines and tv, they were all wearing expensive pretty dresses and had their hair styled perfectly and their make-up done by professionals. I started to wonder if there was anyone that was at least a bit like me.

"Your first time on such a party?" I turned around instantly to see where the voice came from. Was it that obvious?

"Y-Yeah...", I mumbled, facing a foreign-looking guy with blonde yellow-ish hair and a cute smile that spoke in a broken Korean. He was shorter than me and was wearing a polo pullover and a necktie along with beige pants. He didn't really look like he was buying his clothes in an ordinary shopping mall though.

"That's okay, everyone has to go through their first time. You look quiet young, but very handsome", he complimented and I forced myself so smile, trying not to be that nervous, "what do you do? Upcoming actor?" 

"Yeah", I lied but I didn't see any other choice. If I said no he would question what I'm doing here and that would've been much more complicated than to lie. 

"That's cool, which company are you working for?"

That's where I was caught. I wasn't even interested in acting so I didn't know any companies. I only knew that Luhan's company also trained actors and actresses, so I decided to give it a try and hope the guy wouldn't notice anything.

"SM Entertainment."

"Wow, really? I never saw you there before. I'm working for the same company", his eyes widened and I gulped, out of all those companies I had to bump into someone who works in the same company as Luhan. I bit my lips nervously and tried to stay calm although I didn't know what to say next. I knew that company was big and rich and had countless people working for them, it was possible that newcomers didn't know everyone yet, right?

"Do you want to sit with my friends and me in our VIP lounge? Since we're all from the same company we might as well get to know each other a bit better", he suggested and now I was the one to stare at him with wide eyes. Even though I didn't know that guy I was never able to dream about getting invited to sit on a table with the popular kids.

"My name's Zhang Yixing, by the way."

So that was his name.

"Oh Sehun", I mumbled but he didn't seem to hear it anymore as he walked back through a group of people and I followed. He looked back from time to time to check if I was still behind but we didn't talk in the meantime.

He stopped around the corner when he arrived to a small seperated place with purple-coloured seats filled with cusion and pillows, all kinds of glasses placed on a small table in front of them. A tall bodyguard with glasses was standing next to them, watching if anyone tried to get into their way.

There were three girls sitting in their comfortable seats, chuckling and giggling while their glasses of alcohol clinked against each other. But suddenly my mouth became so dry and my breath seemed to get stuck in my lungs when I saw a familiar face on the opposite seats.

Luhan.

Luhan was casually sitting there next to another guy who had his arms around the back of their couch, their shoulders and legs touching. Luhan sipped on a cocktail while the guy with tanned skin and brown perfectly-styled hair next to him leaned over to whisper something into his ears. Too close.

Luhan didn't seem too happy but also not bothered by it, he had that face expression on everyone around here had. He gave that guy a smile and whispered something back which made the other one smirk. 

There was something about that smirk and those sharp, dark eyes from that guy I didn't like. They just gleamed danger naturally. 

His shirt was loose and his jeans tight, while Luhan had his blonde-dyed hair styled similarly, only a few strands falling over his shining doe eyes, wearing a grey blazer and a red shirt that was branded with Hugo Boss.

For some reason I just wanted to run away because Luhan was one of them.

But for another I wanted to run into his arms to make sure it was him.

Yixing coughed to get their attention and I knew exactly now it was too late. Luhan and the guy next to him both looked up to me and I couldn't look away from Luhan's gaze. 

He stared at me, I could sense he was surprised because hence why would I go to such idiotic parties if not for Luhan. I just didn't actually expect him here tonight. 

His eyes seemed to pierce through me, his mouth agape, but he didn't do anything. He didn't even bring out words to greet me. He was like a frozen statue looking at me. 

"Luhan." So I was the first to break the ice.

Now even Yixing looked at me. "You and Luhan know each other?"

Suddenly Luhan bursted out in laughter. My nervousness was back again because Luhan seemed so different, so unfamiliar and I just couldn't tell what was going to happen next. I wanted him to do something, to tell them I'm his boyfriend. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted to be the one sitting next to him, putting an arm around his torso. But Luhan didn't seem to like the idea of revealing my true identity. 

"Of course he knows me, I'm Luhan after all", Luhan chirped while looking everywhere but my eyes, "I have a lot of fanboys as well." 

Ouch, that hurt. At first I thought he was drunk but I was pretty sure he wasn't since his cheeks weren't flustered. It hurt that he pretended like he didn't know me and I was just one of his filthy fanboys while I was so much more. I bit my lips even harder this time.

"Oh." Yixing's eyes shone as he understood what Luhan meant. "He said he works at our company as a newcomer actor."

"Really?", the guy next to Luhan said in an bored voice and I could clearly hear his voice was an octave deeper than Luhan's, "how come I didn't see you today morning then? I welcomed all the newcomer actors and actresses from our company."

I gulped. I was done now. My lies didn't work for long. But I didn't care because Luhan was here and that was all I needed. I only needed Luhan and no one else of those snobby, arrogant people. 

"Luhan, I sent you a text yesterday, why didn't you tell me you were going to a party? I miss you." Now Luhan was forced to look at me once again and our eyes met. How could he be so beautiful while his stare was so cold and foreign?

"What?", Luhan said as he furrowed his brows. What? Was that everything? He wasn't even going to try to defend me?

"Luhan, do you know this guy? He looks kinda weird", I heard the guy next to him asking. 

"Why would I know someone like him, Jongin", Luhan answered, his eyes still on me.

Now I was furious. Luhan treated me like in front of his friends, he acted like a completely different person! Like I was nothing more but air to him. It made me sad and upset that I was on the edge of crying, so I balled my hands and tried my best to hold the tears back. 

"Luhan, that's not funny. I don't ask you to kiss me or anything but you could at least treat me like your friend." I stepped forward to grab Luhan by his wrists but I felt someone else grab my arms from behind.

It was that creepy bodyguard.

"Let me go! I wasn't going to harm him, you idiot!" I struggled to get out of his grip but it was nearly impossible.

"Geez Luhan, you're fans are really annoying and they're everywhere", the tanned boy hissed. 

"Shut up! You don't know Luhan like I do, jackass", I hissed back, struggling some more as I tried to reach that boy. He was getting on my nerves. 

"What should we do with him?", that bodyguard holding me asked, looking at Luhan. It seemed like Luhan had the upper hand here so why wasn't he trying to save me? Why was he acting like this? I didn't understand at all.

" him to the exit door." Luhan's voice was strong and clear and it gave me the last push before the first tear started rolling down my face. 

Before Luhan was able to see it the tall guy already dragged me with him out of the VIP lounge.

I didn't even care where he brought me, I was so mad I wanted to scream and cry and kiss Luhan and all that at the same time. I think I was never as disappointed in my life as I was today.

It just made me realise what a fool I've been and for how I was holding on to Luhan's and my releationship while we were already living in two completely different worlds. 

No matter how hard I would try I'd never be able to fit into Luhan's new world filled with money, expensive clothes and the flashlight of pretty cameras.

It was when reality hit me in the face hard. All my fights were for nothing and now was the time to abandon my efforts. I never realised how much words could hurt and I still wanted to believe Luhan was a good person.

He was.

I was sure in that because I loved him.

And because we made a promise. Our promise of always staying together, no matter how many obstacles we had to face.

I never cried as much as I did that night when I arrived home and pressed my face into a pillow.

I was holding the jam jar with Luhan's wishes close to my body like I never did before until my eyes became tired and I fell asleep.

-------------------------

It took me about an week until I gathered myself and went back to work. Just like Luhan did go to interviews, partys, the recording studios and anything else for work I had to go on and help out in the restaurant. I was keeping track of Luhan's shedule on tv and the internet but I didn't intend of trying to find him.

This time I wasn't going to be the one to write him first, I would wait for his reply no matter how long it took.

In the meantime I was busy myself with my college exams and the restaurant, I barely had time to think about Luhan. Often I also went out with Chanyeol and a few other guys. It didn't happen until late in the night that my mind started to think of Luhan's sweet voice and his juicy lips.

I was getting to the point of going insane. Instead of hurting less it just hurt more and I missed Luhan more with each day. He was like a disease that got under my skin and stayed there for eternity.

"Are you coming?", Chanyeol was shouting as he leaned his head out of his car window and honked twice, stopping me from overthinking things again.

It was dark outside and I left the restaurant, finishing my shift for Friday. It was a peaceful day today and there hadn't been many guests, which meant less sales for the restaurant but less stress for me.

I threw one last glance at the little old building before I turned my head and ran over to Chanyeol's car. Chanyeol smiled brightly at me and greeted me with a grin, telling me that he missed me, although we've seen each other the day before. It was something I would have told Luhan in the past.

Nevertheless Luhan had always been something special to me and he always will be, nothing was going to change that.

I think I fell in love with Luhan's passion. The way his eyes light up when he talks about the thing he loves and the way they fill with light.

Luhan's joy and happiness made me happy most of the time, it was like that when we were young as well, and it was like that today.

Luhan being with me was just a plus.

Maybe I would still fight.

Maybe.

[a/n: ok so I'm not sure what this is going to be I'm just as confused as Sehun it's hard writing from someone else's POV if you have questions just ask.......jk but no really btw next 2 parts will be pretty much the same but from Luhan's POV!]