There is a different kind of coldness hanging in the atmosphere when they are left alone together in Jongwoon’s room – now Jongwoon and Kyuhyun’s room – for the first time. It oozes off the walls, seeps in through the crack under the door, and creeps into their very skin, their hearts. It saturates the very air they breathe, pressing down on their lungs, and Jongwoon can almost taste the tenseness lacing it.
 
Kyuhyun is a lanky figure standing awkwardly just inside the closed door where Jungsu has left him a minute ago, his luggage by his feet. He has made no other move to venture further into the small room, but his eyes wander, almost erratically, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings for what seems like a lifetime before he allows his gaze to land on Jongwoon, who is standing stiffly by the closet, arms folded and not speaking. Their eyes meet for the first time since Kyuhyun was ushered in by the leader and, as Jongwoon notes how the other’s gaze immediately stills and focuses entirely on him, it strikes him that this is also the first time they have ended up alone with each other ever since the collision in the kitchen.
 
Kyuhyun’s eyes are unwavering and piercing as he looks at him. It is the same way he has always looked at Jongwoon, from the moment he truly noticed him – a fusion of intensity and nervousness swimming in the dark depths of his eyes, forever highlighted by that spark of goddamned hope – no matter how many times the other has ignored it. It is the one that Jongwoon feels boring a hole through his back when they are in the same room, on the same show, sharing the same stage; the one that makes him feel like he is being taken apart, layer by layer, until there is nothing shielding his soul from Kyuhyun and those accursed pleading, longing eyes of him.
 
He hates how Kyuhyun makes him feel.
 
The maknae takes an uncertain step further into the room – towards Jongwoon – at the same moment that the elder opens his mouth to speak. They both halt.
 
Another long, awkward minute passes by, both waiting for the other to make the first move. Kyuhyun lowers his eyes to somewhere around Jongwoon’s knees and says nothing. There’s a pink flush on his cheeks, far too prominent against the pale hue of his skin. His fingers contract and flex a couple of times and his black fringe falls into his eyes, hiding the emotions whirling in them, of which Jongwoon has caught just a glimpse. There has been embarrassment in them.
 
And fear. Almost.
 
For the barest second, the coldness on Jongwoon’s face falters. But only just.
 
‘Bed or floor?’
 
His dongsaeng’s head snaps up. ‘What?’
 
‘Do you want the bed or the floor?’ He repeats tonelessly, eyes narrowing.
 
Kyuhyun looks thrown at the unprecedented question. He glances around the room again, a little perplexed, taking in the single bed by the window.
 
Apart from the closet, a shelf and two cupboards, one of which serves as a stand to a turtle tank, the place is bare, mostly because there hardly is enough space to squeeze in any more furniture, let alone a second bed. This is the main reason why Jongwoon actually likes his room. It is not unnecessarily luxurious, but homely and just enough. Unlike most of the other members that share the larger rooms with two boys to each, he in his small sanctuary has never had to share his mess or anyone else’s.
 
Until now, of course. He silently curses Jungsu again.
 
‘Well?’ He frowns at Kyuhyun’s silence.
 
‘I ... don’t want to cause you any trouble. I couldn’t take your bed from you, hyung.’
 
‘Suit yourself,’ returns Jongwoon coolly and flops down on the mattress and returns to the lyrics he has been memorising. Out of the corner of his eyes, he spies the surprise – hurt? – that flashes across his dongsaeng’s face at his indifference.
 
The door opens right then and Jungsu walks in again, followed by Sungmin and Donghae. While the leader happily tells them that one of their manager hyungs has ordered a futon to be delivered within the next couple of days for Kyuhyun, Jongwoon politely pretends to listen. His attention is locked more on Sungmin, though, who is looking carefully between him and Kyuhyun. Donghae, meanwhile, has bounded in and has his arm flung around the maknae’s neck, grinning wildly (and possibly high on sugar).
 
‘So, is everything settled?’ Jungsu finishes and looks expectantly at Kyuhyun. The youngest boy nods as he returns Donghae’s one-armed hug; the smile on his lips is tired and strained. Jungsu immediately notices this and his eyes fill with concern.
 
‘Have you come to an agreement on sleeping arrangements until they bring in the futon?’ he asks, in a lower voice than earlier.
 
This time, an abrupt, uncomfortable silence falls around them at his simple question. Jongwoon’s fingers tighten slightly on the lyric sheet; he can see Kyuhyun’s shoulders tensing.
 
‘I’ll just sleep on the floor,’ the maknae says finally, and attempts another smile at Jungsu. His hyung, however, frowns at Jongwoon and the latter cannot help thinking that it seems almost accusing. Even Donghae’s grin has slowly disappeared.
 
Jongwoon lowers his papers. ‘It was his choice,’ he says, quiet and composed. Defensive.
 
‘Jongwoon...’ Jungsu begins and this time, his voice is tinged with what sounds like disappointment. ‘This – it’s not –’
 
‘No, it’s true,’ Kyuhyun interrupts suddenly. ‘I didn’t want to take the bed from hyung, so it’s OK. Really,’ he adds, almost pleading and meets Jongwoon’s wide eyes.
 
‘But,’ Jungsu begins, upset and disapproving when Sungmin suddenly puts in,
 
‘Why don’t you two just share the bed?’
 
Everyone falls silent again, turning to gape at Sungmin who smirks. ‘It’s big enough,’ he shrugs, and Donghae nods his head vigorously in sudden agreement.
 
‘No,’ Jongwoon says at last. He studies Sungmin warily; there is something about the innocent expression on his face that makes him uneasy. ‘It’s not.’
 
‘What, yes, it is!’ exclaims Donghae and proceeds to follow this up with a demonstration by running full pelt at Jongwoon and literally pouncing onto the bed. His hyung quickly scrambles sideways until he hits the wall so as not to be crushed under the flying Fish. Laughing, Donghae tugs on his arm so that Jongwoon is lying down properly and snuggles up to him, making himself comfortable.
 
‘See? You can totally share!’ He says brightly, shooting a brilliant smile at the elder.
 
Jongwoon looks down bemusedly at the boy lying against him. Normally, he is quite affectionate with most of his dongsaengs, and when it comes to hugging, chaste kisses and just skinship in general, Donghae is definitely one of his favourite victims; so, as a rule, the current situation and Donghae’s proximity should not bother him. But, in that moment, all that he can picture in his mind is Kyuhyun lying beside him, body pressed to his side, hand wrapped around his elbow, his head on his shoulder and those dark eyes, fervent and earnest, turned up to gaze at him –  and that ... just...
 
He sits up, pulling his arm free from Donghae’s lax grasp. He can hear Sungmin and Jungsu muffling their laughter, amused at their antics. On Kyuhyun’s end, there is nothing but silence.
 
‘He can have the bed,’ Jongwoon says quietly, not looking at them.
 
‘What –’ someone begins to say, but Jongwoon cuts sharply across them, ‘I said he can have the bed!’ and that’s that. No one tries to say anything again.
 

 
Jongwoon shuts down his brain for the remainder of the day. He attends to the activities, both group and solo, puts extra effort in pretending that Kyuhyun does not exist whenever they end up together in the same four-walled space, and goes out for dinner and drinks with the rest of the group after a successful talk show, after which he helps the sober minority to heave the drunk members out of the restaurant and back to the vans.
 
Back at the dorms, Siwon’s skinship mode switches on and Jongwoon joins him in kissing most (or more specifically, just eleven) of the members goodnight. He laughs in amusement when the majority pretend to dislike it and persists to the very end. He has just ensnared a protesting Hyukjae, who has been trying to ninja himself out of the situation, and pressed his lips against his temple, when he witnesses Siwon capturing Kyuhyun not three feet away from them. The maknae chuckles indulgently as Siwon envelops him in a rib-crushing hug, but then his eyes find Jongwoon over the other man’s shoulder.
 
Kyuhyun’s smile dims and in that moment, Jongwoon finds himself inexplicably unable to turn away from him. The spark in Kyuhyun’s eyes has faded and he stares unabashedly at the sight of his hyung kissing their Jewel Guy.
 
Jongwoon drops his gaze and relinquishes Hyukjae, giving him a small smile that takes up far too much effort than it should have. Hyukjae begins to mock-complain about the non-existent saliva all over his brows, but none of it registers because Jongwoon’s thoughts are frozen on the one emotion he has just seen on Kyuhyun’s countenance:
 
Yearning.
 
This time, his brain refuses to shut down despite his best efforts. Kyuhyun’s face lingers at the front of his mind. Even the few seconds of a drunken Heechul latching onto him from behind and drooling all over his shoulder until he is rescued by SJ’s dual martial artists serve only as a temporary distraction before thoughts of the maknae return in full force.
 
It becomes worse when they all finally retire to their respective floors and rooms. Jongwoon stops dead in his doorway and stares as Kyuhyun carefully spreads a couple of blankets on the floor, as far away from the bed as the space allows. The younger boy senses his presence and looks up, freezing in his actions.
 
Jongwoon steps in and quickly closes the door, in case Jungsu or anyone that may be hanging back sees what is happening inside.
 
‘I told you to take the bed –’ he begins to hiss, his tone a mixture of surprise, suspicion and unnecessary harshness, but is interrupted.
 
‘I don’t want to.’
 
Kyuhyun straightens and advances on him, meeting his gaze head on. The room is dark, save for the dim street light that is filtering through the windows and Jongwoon cannot make out the emotion that is glinting in his eyes. For the first time, he feels a tinge of alarm and automatically recoils when the maknae invades his personal bubble, leaning very deliberately towards him, close enough that he can smell the other’s faint cologne and traces of soju. But when their torsos are bare inches from touching, his dongsaeng simply reaches around him, his arm ever so slightly brushing against Jongwoon’s hip, and there is a soft click as he locks their door.
 
‘Teukie hyung and the others don’t have to know about it,’ he says, very quietly and withdraws his hand.
 
For a moment, neither of them moves and Kyuhyun watches him with those same unreadable eyes. Something indefinable flashes across his face before he finally turns and returns to his blankets, and Jongwoon releases a breath he has not realised he had been holding.
 
Not another word is exchanged as Jongwoon hastily changes into his pyjamas and Kyuhyun curls up on the blankets, facing away from the bed and using his folded up jacket as a makeshift pillow. Jongwoon finds it hard to take his eyes off the boy as he finally sits down on his mattress, the soft groan of the bedsprings spreading through the deep silence. He cannot understand Kyuhyun, he muses. He cannot understand what the other thinks, what he does and, perhaps most of all, why he does them.
 
Why should – no, why is Kyuhyun treating him any better than he treats him?
 
What is it that you want so much from me?
 
The window is open and a soft wind blows in, ruffling Jongwoon’s hair and making the curtains billow out into the room. The air is cool, almost chilly, and he wraps his arms around himself, his mind buzzing with confusion and his eyes still locked on the maknae. Apart from the two blankets underneath him, Kyuhyun has covered himself up only with a thin sheet that he probably dug up from one of the cupboards. Jongwoon does not think that the little shivers and tremors he can spy on Kyuhyun’s silent form is his imagination.
 
It is only after fishing out two thick quilts from the bottom of his closet and flinging them over the boy that Jongwoon allows himself to slip into bed, deliberately turning to face the wall and squeezing his eyes shut. Let sleep take him quickly, he begs silently, wishing to drown out everything in his mind.
 
Sometime later, just when he is on the brink of oblivion, he fancies he hears the faint creak of floorboards and the slight dip in the mattress as a weight settles beside him. There is a rush of hot air by his ear, a soft murmur that invades his dreams, ‘Hyung ... thank you ...’, and he imagines the gentle brush of warm, moist skin on his jawbone before everything disappears again.
 
It is not real, some part of his mind reassures him, but right then there is a faint tremor in the air, a ghost of a whisper and the last thing that reaches him just before he gives himself over to sleep is,
 
‘Saranghae, hyung.’
 

 
It becomes routine, as does almost everything that concerns the both of them.
 
Every morning, an alarm clock that Kyuhyun winds up the previous night goes off, shooting Jongwoon out of bed (literally, sometimes), while the maknae continues to snore into his quilts, blissfully oblivious to the world around him. As they both need to wake up more or less around the same time, it should not really bother the elder, but the sight of Kyuhyun sleeping soundly through the shrill alarm while it wakes him up annoys him to no end.
 
The first few mornings, he seriously considers just leaving the boy and letting someone like Hyukjae or Donghae spank him awake, but that will be counter-productive, he knows. After all, the whole point of locking their door every night is to prevent the others from getting wind of the true nature of their “sleeping arrangements”, thus making them (more?) suspicious of the relationship between the two of them.
 
Or, God forbid, Jungsu throwing a fit over Kyuhyun still sleeping on the floor, though Jongwoon wonders how it can be hisfault since the maknae made the decision all on his own.
 
So, resigned to the fact that there is no other choice, he grudgingly wakes the boy himself, either with a shake/slap/kick or a yell to get up, depending on his mood (that is, whether his mood permits him to touch Kyuhyun, or to speak to him). He leaves the room as soon as the younger drags himself to his feet and finishes his morning coffee and breakfast well before Kyuhyun arrives at the dining table. Then, on the days they have group activities, he tries to avoid sharing the same car or van with him.
 
He tries.
 
On the days that Kyuhyun is hell-bent on being close to him – which is, uh, everyday – Jongwoon mostly fails at avoiding him and often finds himself squished between Kyuhyun and another member. He spends the entire ride hypersensitive of every inch of the younger boy’s body that is in contact with his, from his shoulder to his leg. But mostly, he is aware of Kyuhyun’s hand, Kyuhyun’s fingers; more often than not, he can feel them brushing against his thigh, almost like a caress. Slight, sly, but deliberate.
 
Always deliberate.
 
It is not something new. Kyuhyun has touched him like this before. But it still sets him on edge every time, these subtly daring ways in which his dongsaeng is incessantly trying to establish a closeness, an acknowledgement, a relationship, asomething between them.
 
His attempts are no longer limited to physicality, either. Sharing a room means unavoidable time spent together and Kyuhyun, Jongwoon finds, is not afraid to take advantage of that. There arises the occasional moment when Kyuhyun tries to start a conversation with him, coax an answer out of him, or try to get any reaction at all. Jongwoon, in usual fashion, does not take him up on these invitations, bestowing no more attention on the younger boy than he would on a dust mite, but as disheartening as his attitude evidently is to his dongsaeng, there are no signs of surrender or giving up. Not a day goes by without at least one (failed) ice breaker from the persistent maknae and every night Jongwoon goes to sleep with the softly spoken, ‘Good night, hyung’ reverberating in his ears.
 
At one point, Jongwoon begins to avoid his room altogether, entering it only to sleep or hurriedly feed his little land turtle. He has lost what has once been his sanctuary; it no longer offers him any peace of mind, plagued as he is by a teenage boy who is better, more talented and gifted than him in every department imaginable, but can never seem to stop pursuing him for reasons unfathomable. Cho Kyuhyun is creeping his way into everything, from his room to his personal space; from his waking thoughts to his life.
 
And there is nothing Jongwoon can do to stop it. Nothing short of blowing up at Kyuhyun or physically shoving him away, both of which will draw unwanted attention ... As it is, the two of them have already begun to draw a lot of attention.
 
‘So, what the heck is going on behind that closed door of yours every night, eh?’
 
The question is shocking and Jongwoon and Kyuhyun both snap their heads around at Youngwoon, gaping at him across the dining table, chopsticks suspended over their plates.
 
Youngwoon flashes a wolfish grin at them. ‘This morning marks the fourth time I tried to walk in to find Jongwoonie hyung and found the door locked. Again.’
 
There is an immediate smattering of snickers and smirks from around the table, including one low but vulgar catcall and Jongwoon finds himself frozen to his seat, mouth hanging open.
 
‘What the hell, Kangin!’ He manages finally.
 
Laughing, Youngwoon leans over to clap Kyuhyun on the shoulder. ‘Nice catch you bagged for yourself there, kiddo. Well done. I’m almost jealous.’
 
Kyuhyun blushes to the roots of his hair and Jongwoon throws his chopsticks at Youngwoon, ignoring the guffaws and huge grins of Donghee, Hyukjae, Sungmin, Hangeng and Ryeowook. ‘Woon, I know we’re close, but there’s a limit to teasing –!’
 
Before he can finish, Heechul starts up from the other end of the table, smirking lazily, ‘Are you guys kidding? All the ladies Kyuhyunnie coulda gone for and he chose Jongwoon? Standards, kid, standards.’
 
‘Shut up, Heebongie.’ Jongwoon scowls.
 
‘You could’ve gone for me, Kyu, but – the rabid mutt? Really?’ Heechul is obviously enjoying himself, more so at the sight of his victims’ flushed faces and embarrassed eyes.
 
‘Goes to show that our maknae at least has the right kind of standards by not choosing you, then,’ remarks Hangeng out of the blue, hiding a smile.
 
‘Yea – WHAT? The hell, dude! And I thought you freakin’ couldn’t speak Korean well?!’
 
‘Hyung!’ Jongwoon exclaims at the same time, mortified and irritated at once.
 
‘They’re just messing with you, Jongwoon,’ Hangeng tells him, smiling kindly.
 
‘Though I really want to why you lock your door,’ says Youngwoon, crocking a brow. ‘You never did it before, hyung. What do you two do at night that is so secretive?’
 
‘We sleep,’ snaps Jongwoon, reaching for the coffee pot.
 
‘Together?’ supplies Hyukjae mischievously.
 
‘On the same bed,’ adds Sungmin with a laugh and Ryeowook begins to giggle hysterically.
 
‘No!’
 
Kyuhyun pokes at his food with his chopsticks, not looking up once.
 
‘C’mon, spill, what’s the big secret?’ Youngwoon asks persistently. Beside him, Donghee too has finally turned away from the food, eyes alive with curiosity.
 
‘I told you –’ Jongwoon begins exasperatedly.
 
‘We lock the door to prevent any wild animals, such as rabid raccoons that run amok in the night, from gate crashing while we sleep,’ Kyuhyun speaks up for the first time and looks directly at Youngwoon, lips pulling up in a sweet smile. ‘So far, our strategy has prevented the biggest raccoon of them all from intruding four times in a row. It works well, no?’
 
The broad-shouldered man blinks before an amused grin splits his face. ‘Well played. I’m not convinced, though.’
 
Kyuhyun shrugs. ‘Like hyung said, we sleep.’
 
‘Together,’ Hyukjae repeats his earlier word, clutching his stomach as he bursts into laughter again. Beside him, Sungmin manages to choke out, ‘On the same bed’ before joining in the hysterics.
 
‘Oh, just leave them alone,’ Donghee rolls his eyes and promptly returns to his breakfast.
 
Ryeowook just shakes his head and comments laughingly, ‘Sorry, Yesungie hyung, Kyuhyunnie. But seriously, you two make it so easy.’ Grinning, he reaches to pinch their identically reddened cheeks. ‘So adorable together, both of you.’
 
Jongwoon puts his mug down, having had enough. Pushing away from the table, he stalks out of the apartment, leaving the rest of the members snickering and rolling their eyes. Kyuhyun watches him leave, his eyes dark and downcast. He looks down at his unfinished plate and sighs, unaware of a certain pair of bright eyes that switches between him and the disappearing figure of Jongwoon, their depths filled with comprehension and concern.
 

 
‘It’s nice out, isn’t it, hyung?’
 
Surprised, Jongwoon looks behind him to find Sungmin approaching him on the balcony. It is one of those rare nights when he actually finished work early; he had thought he was the only one home.
 
With a small smile, Sungmin joins him and leans on the railing, breathing in the cool air and taking in the lighted windows of Seoul that spreads out before them. Jongwoon clears his throat a little and shifts from one foot to another. He and Sungmin are not exactly the closest of friends and, at times like these when they are alone together, Jongwoon never knows what to say.
 
‘Why do you treat him like that, hyung?’
 
The unprecedented question takes him by surprise and Jongwoon stares at his dongsaeng, who has turned to look at him with earnest eyes.
 
‘W-what?’
 
‘Kyuhyun,’ Sungmin clarifies and a wall seems to form between them at the very word.
 
‘Oh.’
 
‘Why do you treat him like that?’
 
Jongwoon looks away, pretending to study the lights of cars flying by in the distance. ‘Do I treat him in any special way?’
 
‘It’s cruel, you know.’
 
Their eyes meet again and this time, there is a frostiness that hangs over their heads. Sungmin’s eyes are firm as he gazes at Jongwoon and the latter’s own narrows in return as they almost glare at each other.
 
‘What are you trying to say?’
 
‘You should really be kinder to him.’
 
‘Have I ever done anything cruel to Kyuhyun?’ snaps Jongwoon. ‘I have never laid a finger on him, nor have I ever said anything to him!’
 
‘That’s exactly it. You don’t ever say anything to him.’ Sungmin’s tone has softened and he lowers his eyes. ‘You ... you treat him like he doesn’t exist, hyung. It’s better if you had even shouted or yelled at him. I think ... I think that would have been a lot less hurtful than what you’re doing to him now.’
 
Silence reigns over them for a long minute. Jongwoon is speechless; a part of him cannot believe he is having this conversation, and that too with Sungmin of all people. Another part is struggling with a wrenching feeling in his gut. He finds it a little hard to breathe, all of a sudden.
 
‘What do you want?’ He finally mutters, looking down at his shoes.
 
‘It’s more about what Kyuhyun wants, I think,’ says Sungmin quietly. ‘He wants your attention, Jongwoon hyung. He wants your affection. He wants to know that you care, at least a little...’
 
There is a bitterness in Jongwoon’s smile as he looks over the balcony railing again. ‘And why does he want that? He has all of you, doesn’t he? He has all of you and the entire world fawning over and showering him with love and affection. What more does he want?’
 
Sungmin smiles slightly. ‘You’re right.’ He turns to walk back inside, pausing only to say seriously, ‘But what point and meaning is there to having the whole world when you can’t have the one you want?’