It is strange, Jongwoon muses, the way things tend to go full circle.

 

In the beginning, it was him that stood in the shadows, observing Kyuhyun’s every move from a distance, only to turn his back on the boy when Kyuhyun decided to set his sights on him. And now finally, Jongwoon is still the one watching the maknae while Kyuhyun walks away, literally and figuratively, leaving him behind – just like how Jongwoon had left Kyuhyun.

 

Right back to square one.

 

Only this time, things are not quite the same. It does not feel like the old days when Kyuhyun was happily distracted by his other doting hyungs and Jongwoon could hate him in peace from his secluded corner. Kyuhyun is not happy. And Jongwoon is not at peace. Not even close.

 

There are too many questions involved. Too many answers. Too many feelings.

 

Too much hurt. Too much guilt.

 

And it is all Jongwoon’s fault and he does not know how to fix it.

 

A part of him wonders if he even wants to.

 

~***~

 

Logic dictates that he should be happy with the current circumstances. How many torturous months has he spent wishing for this very thing? Battling with a myriad of emotions he did not want to feel, ignoring the unspoken pleas for his attention he did not want to hear, pushing away a relentless dongsaeng he did not want to have – all this time he has wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

 

For Kyuhyun to leave him alone.

 

He has received his wish at long last. So, by all means, he should be bloody ecstatic, shouldn’t he? Singing his heart out to the world, dancing around the room with his turtle like an idiot, barfing rainbows and frolicking down a grassy slope, bellowing, ‘The hills are aliiive, with the sound of muuusic’ – that sort of thing.

 

But it is not so. He is not happy.

 

Because, Jongwoon thinks numbly to himself as he sits in the van bearing them to the studio, his wish came true a little too late.

 

His heart has already wavered.

 

He glances surreptitiously over his shoulder at Kyuhyun, who is sitting in the rear seat between Ryeowook and Sungmin. His head is resting on the latter’s shoulder, his hands loosely clasped in his lap and his eyes are closed, as if sleeping. It is not uncommon for the usually sleep deprived members to doze off whenever they can, even on the way to work, but he knows that it is not the case with Kyuhyun. The maknae is wide awake – Jongwoon can just tell; he has been studying that pale face so well for so long that he can differentiate between every little nuance that graces it. Kyuhyun is not asleep, but he is refusing to open his eyes to face the world.

 

He is refusing to face Jongwoon.

 

It surprises him – alarms him a little, even – how readily he can acknowledge what Kyuhyun is doing. Sure, it is obviousthat Kyuhyun is avoiding him; after all, he has been looking at everything and everyone except Jongwoon ever since their little confrontation outside the bedroom earlier that morning. (Not to mention that this is the first time he has not even tried to sit beside the elder.) But since last night, Jongwoon has come to realise that, for him, it does not really matter how transparent someone’s actions are if he does not want them to be real. His previous disregard for Kyuhyun’s feelings and motives – even when they had been crystal clear and he had known deep down in his heart – is proof of that.

 

But now, he can fully acknowledge what Kyuhyun is doing – feeling – right now. He cannot even bring himself to ignore it.

 

Kyuhyun’s brows furrow and he turns his head to bury his face deeper into Sungmin’s shoulder, his black fringe flopping down to frame the side of his hidden face. The older man looks down at the maknae, concern etched into the panes of his face, before he raises his head almost instinctively and meets Jongwoon’s eyes.

 

Their gazes hold for the barest second before Jongwoon looks away, fixing his eyes unseeingly on the window and trying to ignore the sudden throbbing in his temple and the hotness around his collar.

 

Kyuhyun is avoiding him and he feels absolutely no inclination whatsoever to jump for joy.

 

Hiding the truth from himself is impossible now. His heart, which used to be so firmly set, has indeed wavered.

 

Maybe, just ... just a little bit.

 

But apparently, large enough to make a difference.

 

~***~

 

The ache in his head gradually intensifies throughout the day and each throb on his temple begins to feel like a hammer taken to his brain, bringing on sudden waves of drowsiness and light headedness. He tries to ignore it and focus all his attention on the music and singing, to channel the right emotions into his voice and hit the notes perfectly, but he finds himself getting more and more distracted by the dull pain beating at the front of his skull and the growing heat creeping onto his face. He can even feel the hotness of his own breath with every exhalation and, at one point, disorientation comes over him, just like it had when he woke up that morning.

 

It feels like both a blessing and a punishment when, halfway through their recording session, the music director calls a halt and frowns at him.

 

‘Yesung-ssi, your voice is hoarse and that is the second time you slurred over the words. Are you feeling unwell?’

 

That, of course, is the cue for them to drag him out of the studio and into the waiting room, where he is forced into an uncomfortable plastic chair. The rest of the concerned/curious members and staff gather around him, and Jungsu beats everyone in a five mile radius to get to Jongwoon first and feels his temperature, cupping his face with his other hand and peering into his eyes worriedly.

 

‘, Jongwoon, what did you do, you’re burning up!’

 

That is all it takes before what seems like everyone in the room approaches him, putting their hands on every bit of his exposed skin and paying no attention to his feeble attempts at brushing them away to avoid suffocation while Jungsu continues to talk a mile a minute, automatically settling into his programmed mother-hen mode. Jongwoon drops his head into his hands, feeling the headache exacerbating as the voices around him rise and overlap. He catches snatches of testy sentences and anxious words –

 

 – might get worse, it’s already high –

 

... can’t continue like this!

 

When did you catch this cold?

 

– is impossible; he needs to recover his voice...

 

Fever...

 

... just let him go for today –

 

I’ll take him home, Jungsu hyung.

 

Jongwoon snaps his head up and immediately regrets it as a new wave of faintness comes over him. He blinks furiously until his eyesight recovers and then stares blearily at the young man who has spoken above the rest.

 

‘I’m done with recording my part and I don’t have schedules till the afternoon. Let manager hyung stay, I’ll go with Jongwoon hyung instead.’

 

Jungsu thinks it over and nods his acquiescence and next moment, a mildly surprised Jongwoon finds himself being guided towards the exit with Sungmin’s supporting arm, strong and secure, wrapped around his shoulders. Their leader worriedly yells after them to call him if the fever worsens or there is any need for a doctor, and it is all just so typicallyumma of Jungsu to be acting like this that not even Jongwoon’s paining head can block out his amusement at the other’s fretfulness. With a weak, but grateful smile, he turns to look over his shoulder to assure the eldest member that he is not at Death’s door yet, only to end up locking gazes with a pair of painfully familiar dark eyes.

 

The beautifully pink tinge that brushes over the pale cheeks can be spotted a mile away. Kyuhyun immediately tears his eyes away, firmly keeping a blank expression on his face. Jongwoon’s throat closes up and he lets Sungmin lead him outside.

 

The ride back to the dorms is deathly silent. The uneasy tension in the van will suffocate Jongwoon if his brain does not already feely like it is dying. He simply sits quietly beside Sungmin, right elbow propped on his knee and his forehead resting on his palm, eyes squeezed shut. Focussing on breathing deeply, he vaguely thinks that he is somewhat glad for his cold and fever; the pain is effectively blocking out the thoughts he has temporarily pushed to the very back of his head. He can feel them there, though, pounding at the figurative locked door, trying to force their way to the front of his mind so that they can taunt him, mock him, jeer at him because –

 

Damn it, he does not want to think about this now! Without realising it, he lets out an agonised groan, catching Sungmin’s attention. The younger man looks at him; his bright eyes darken with a hint of worry and he hesitates for a moment before reaching for Jongwoon, gawkily draping an arm over his hunched back and guiding his head to rest on his shoulder.

 

To say that Jongwoon is taken aback is an understatement. To say that he nearly jumps out of his skin and momentarily forgets about his sick condition as he wonders when aliens abducted Sungmin and took over his body will be dead on the mark. This kind of intimacy between them is pretty new.

 

Nevertheless, the unexpected gesture is warm and genuine and Jongwoon allows himself to relax into his dongsaeng, an effortless ‘Thank you’ falling from his lips.

 

He tries not to remember that, only a few hours ago, Kyuhyun had been in this exact same position.

 

~***~

 

If Jongwoon thought that Sungmin would simply help him into bed and leave him at that, he was dead wrong. True, Sungmin does support him all the way to his bedroom and even helps him change into his pyjamas before tucking –tucking, for goodness’ sake – him into bed. Jongwoon’s brain is aching too much to pay any mind to being babied by his dongsaeng, but it does catch his attention when Sungmin leaves his room for a minute and returns with some tablets, water and a gel pack.

 

‘I just need some rest, Sungmin, there’s no need for that.’ Jongwoon eyes the medicine warily. He has never been too fond of taking pills.

 

‘You can say that when your body stops feeling like a hot iron stove, hyung,’ Sungmin says bluntly, plopping down on his bed.

 

‘But I –’ He stops talking. His voice is hoarse and he realises that his throat is beginning to pain a little. .

 

‘The cold will go away on its own and your voice will return to normal then,’ says Sungmin, as if he knows what is bothering his hyung. ‘But we need to cool down your fever before it becomes too bad. Take the aspirin, at least, hyung.’

 

The strangely gentle, but firm look his dongsaeng is giving him makes it clear that if he refuses, the tablets will be forced down his gullet by methods best left unarticulated. And considering the capable martial artist that hides underneath Sungmin’s pretty boy facade, there is no doubt that he will follow through with it. Giving in, Jongwoon accepts the medication with a sigh. Sungmin nods approvingly at him and gestures at him to lie down, placing the gel pack on his forehead when he does so.

 

Jongwoon gives him a long look. ‘You didn’t have to trouble yourself to do all this, Sungmin. I could’ve managed, but ... thank you, anyway. For everything.’

 

Sungmin’s fox-like eyes are bright as he returns his gaze. ‘It’s nothing, hyung. Were you in my position, you know you would’ve done the same. For anyone of us.’

 

He has put just the slightest bit of emphasis on anyone of us and Jongwoon’s breath hitches, immediately catching onto what Sungmin is implying. His mind leaps to last night, when Kyuhyun had shown up during the storm and he had justreacted to the helpless sight of him, without thinking –

 

‘Jongwoon hyung ... you’re a lot more caring than you want to admit to yourself.’

 

Jongwoon meets the other man’s earnest gaze with wide eyes. ‘Sungmin ...’

 

‘Rest and get over this cold quickly, hyung.’ Sungmin gets up and pretends to adjust his comforter. His eyes glint strangely as he looks at Jongwoon again and gently scolds, ‘Ryeowook tells me that you were out in the rain last night. Tsk, and then right afterwards you fell asleep in the living room when it was so cold there? No wonder you got sick. You should’ve slept here in your bed, hyung. You’d have been nice and warm then.’

 

There is no point in even wondering if it is his imagination. Sungmin’s words are positively dripping with hidden implications and double meanings – and Jongwoon knows exactly what they are.

 

‘Rest well, hyung.’ Sungmin sweeps out of the room.

 

~***~

 

He dreams.

 

He dreams of a blazing fire that surrounds him, choking him with its pungent smoke.

 

He dreams of liquid flames that dance along his skin, burning and consuming until he drowns in it.

 

He dreams of a cool embrace that cocoons him and pulls him from his hellhole.

 

He dreams of heavy rainclouds chased by the wind and droplets of chilled water that soak his weary body.

 

He dreams of a boy that holds his hand and keeps him company in the rain.

 

He dreams of dark eyes, pale skin and the hint of a smile he has seen only once before.

 

He dreams of unspoken whispers and unuttered words.

 

He dreams.

 

There comes a point when the darkness seems to lift from his mind and light engulfs him, but he can only feel. He feels the loss of coolness from his brows, and then it returns again. He feels a gentle caress ghosting over his heated face and neck, before it slides down to settle on his arm. He feels a murmur that washes over the shell of his ear and down to his neck. He feels a warm presence hovering beside him, and it is familiar and tender.

 

Above all, he feels safe and cared for. Cherished.

 

The darkness is descending upon him again, but just before he loses himself in it, he envisions a pair of eyes looking into his own, and they are darker than the blackness he is falling in to, but they are soft and loving and he is sorry to leave them.

 

And then he is dreaming again, but this time...

 

He dreams of gentle caresses and lingering fingers.

 

He dreams of soft, dark eyes and tender smiles.

 

He dreams of melodious whispers and warm breaths.

 

He dreams.

 

~***~

 

The silence is what strikes him when his eyes finally snap open. That and the darkness. He lies without moving for a long minute, until it dawns on him that night has fallen and beams of moonlight are criss-crossing the walls and ceiling of his room, mixed with the faint streetlight filtering through the window.

 

How long was he out, he wonders, sitting up. The sudden movement disorients him, but it disappears almost instantaneously and something falls off his forehead onto his lap. He picks it up. The gel pack.

 

Oh, right. He is down with a cold and fever, he remembers. However – he shakes his head a little. It does not throb; there is only a very dull ache right at the back of his skull – he is definitely feeling much better than earlier. Raising his hand to his throat, he realised that he is still warm and his body feels somewhat sore and tired, but overall, he feels quite fine.

 

With sudden happiness, he swings his legs off the bed and turns to put away the gel pack when he finally notices: the pack in his hand is different from the one Sungmin gave him that morning. And there are two more gel packs and a piece of wet-looking cloth lying innocently on the shelf.

 

Did Sungmin come back to tend to him again?

 

His lips curve up. Making a mental note to properly thank his considerate dongsaeng later, he sets down the gel pack on the nearest cupboard only to promptly freeze when his eyes fall upon a small cup placed on it. He picks it up uncertainly and sniffs at the cold, viscous looking liquid: tea with honey and lemon, from the smell of it.

 

His smile widens. It is a vile concoction – for him, at least – but is known to help cure maladies and is a good treatment for the throat and voice. How thoughtful.

 

Sipping at it – and immediately wrinkling his nose – Jongwoon turns to walk out of the room and nearly kills himself trying not to trip over a large, warm bundle lying right at his feet that he has not noticed before in the dark. Stumbling back, he grips the edge of the cupboard for support and comically widens his eyes at the sight of Kyuhyun, wrapped up in layers of blankets, sleeping not in his usual place away from the bed, but right next to it.

 

Kyuhyun?

 

It comes back to Jongwoon like a sudden slap to his face. He remembers his feverish dreams, dreams of someone beside him while he was unconscious, someone that cared for and watched over him while he fitfully slept through his fever; dreams of gentle touches and quiet murmurs...

 

His fingers tighten around the cup in his hand. Suddenly, he doubts that the tea, the gel packs, the wet cloth – heck, his very dreams – have anything to do with Sungmin, after all.

 

He sinks back onto the mattress, eyes fixed on the sleeping features of the maknae. His young face bears signs of weariness, but he looks peaceful in his slumber. Innocent.

 

Looking down at the tea cradled in his hands, Jongwoon thinks he can feel his heart wavering again.

 

Just like it has been wavering for a long time now, unbeknownst to him.

 

~***~

 

Over the following days, Jongwoon notices that he and Kyuhyun are both experts at two very similar, but different fields of giving someone the cold shoulder. Jongwoon excels at ignoring people (read: Kyuhyun) and Kyuhyun excels at avoiding people (read: Jongwoon).

 

Because that is exactly what Kyuhyun has been and is still doing. And he is bloody good at it.

 

Not that Jongwoon has been trying to interact with him or anything. He has simply gone back to watching the maknae from a distance. That is the only place where Kyuhyun can be found now: away from him.

 

Jongwoon does not bother to play dumb and ask himself why Kyuhyun’s attitude has changed. He already knows. Once upon a time, he was content with pretending otherwise. But now he is tired of it; tired of feigning, struggling, acting, ignoring.

 

He is tired of lying to himself.

 

He knows what Kyuhyun wants – wanted? – from him; and he knows what he refused to give and why. Him and his insecurities and fear of being thrown aside, of not being good enough, of being eclipsed by Cho Kyuhyun’s talent – his low self esteem that made him take it out on their newest member, determined to never accept him, to never acknowledge him as anything. He knows fully well what he has done. And he knows that none of his reasons are enough to justify how he has conducted himself towards Kyuhyun.

 

After all, there is no valid reason that can ever justify the cruel treatment of an innocent person – and Jongwoon can now accept that that is exactly the case. Kyuhyun has done nothing to him to warrant such cold behaviour on his part, and yet he has been an absolute to his dongsaeng, even if he had not initially realised just how deeply he might be hurting the boy (but then again, that is because he refused to spare any thoughts to Kyuhyun’s feelings, isn’t it?).

 

Kyuhyun simply asked to be loved the same way Jongwoon loves the rest of the members, but Jongwoon was so caught up in self-pity and gratuitous hatred that he could not spare the boy even that much.

 

Kim Jongwoon is a terrible hyung.

 

He heaves a sigh as he curls up on the sofa with Donghee, pretending to watch some variety programme with him while actually he is watching Kyuhyun and Donghae going nuts over some action game at the computer. Tonight marks the thirteenth day since Kyuhyun began to stay away from him. And Jongwoon feels like crap.

 

The situation is, indeed, pathetic. He is pathetic.

 

He smirks bitterly to himself as he closes his eyes. It is funny, really, that while Kyuhyun had cared, Jongwoon had not; and now that Kyuhyun does not care, Jongwoon cares.

 

Wait, no, that is not entirely right. Kyuhyun does care, even now. Jongwoon knows this because Kyuhyun was there for the whole three days it took to completely get rid of his cold and fever, taking over the job from Sungmin to watch over him. He had always felt the younger boy’s presence in his dreams, warm and solid beside him – but that was the only time when Kyuhyun came to him: when he was sleeping. He maintained his avoidance during Jongwoon’s waking hours, never looking his way and keeping his distance, but even then, Jongwoon had woken up those days to medicine and water kept ready for him, used gel packs and washcloths yet to be discarded and, at night, a cup of honey-and-lemon infused tea that appears mysteriously on his cupboard. He found that even his turtle had been regularly fed while he was in bed, and there is only one person who can possibly know the feeding times.

 

Kyuhyun does care still. And Jongwoon, he ... cares, too.

 

It had taken him a while to get that ingrained into his brain and acknowledge it as a goddamn fact, but yes, he does care. He knows he cares, because all along his heart had felt the claws of guilt tearing through it every time he saw the raw hurt in Kyuhyun’s eyes that he caused. Because he had actually struggled to maintain his indifference and supposed hatred towards Kyuhyun as more and more days had passed. Because, on the one night that Kyuhyun had actually needed his help and warmth, he had instinctively reached out for the boy without a second thought.

 

Mostly, he knows he cares because he is just utterly sick of pretending not to.

 

But Kyuhyun has already left him.

 

He thinks back to the night of the storm, when he had held Kyuhyun to him until he fell asleep. He has often wondered what went through Kyuhyun’s mind when he woke up alone, to find that Jongwoon had not stayed with him. Did he feel angry? Sad? Betrayed?

 

Maybe he felt abandoned. Again. Because that is what Jongwoon has always done to him. Turning away and leaving him behind, hanging.

 

That is not the reason why Jongwoon left Kyuhyun alone, though. He has thought long and hard about this, determined to analyse his own actions and feelings in the hope of coming up with answers he desperately needs. He had not chosen to sleep outside that night with the intention of abandoning the maknae; he had just needed to be away from him, away from everyone, alone – because being with Kyuhyun had been the most overwhelming and suffocating thing for him during that storm, when Sungmin’s words had forced him to face his own demons and his heart had been in turmoil like never before. Throughout all that, having Kyuhyun – the very centre of his personal conflicts – in his arms, and the boy’s unconditional attachment and affection for him, which he in no way even deserves ... it had been too much. He had needed to get away, to breathe.

 

However, Kyuhyun had taken that as the cue to finally give up on Jongwoon. Maybe he now believes that he can never win his hyung’s affections.

 

Sighing again, Jongwoon opens his eyes and looks unseeingly at the television. His head is beginning to hurt again and he automatically leans against Donghee, who is warm and teddy-bear-ish and welcomes the skinship readily. Jongwoon has been close like this with his other dongsaengs and vice versa, but even now, he cannot imagine doing this with Kyuhyun. Though ... he thinks it is about time that he does. That he wants Kyuhyun to know through a simple touch like this that he cares. That he is sorry; that he wants to be forgiven.

 

But how does he even start on something like that, after everything he has done? How does he begin to apologise; on what grounds does a simple “sorry”, no matter how sincere, make anything right again? He has so much to atone for.

 

A burst of laughter distracts him and he turns his eyes towards the computer, where Donghae is bouncing up and down, cackling victoriously while Kyuhyun looks disgruntled, apparently having lost the game. Jongwoon watches as the two boys turn into typical five year olds, fighting over whose turn it is to play again (because Donghae is Donghae and even the collected Kyuhyun loses his head when it comes to games). It is hard to say no to Donghae as a rule, but then Kyuhyun whips out his ace-in-the-hole and gives his child-like hyung an eyeful of maknae-patented aegyo, putting on his best lost-puppy expression and Donghae practically melts at the sight. Jongwoon is not surprised; during his earliest watch-Kyuhyun-from-a-corner phase, he has already witnessed Kyuhyun using his rather-uncharacteristic-at-first cutesiness to get what he wants from his hyungs. No one has been able turn him down yet, not even prince-of-aegyo Sungmin, because he is their precious BabyKyu who everyone loves and spoils rotten.

 

A smile tugs at Jongwoon’s lips as he watches Donghae sigh and give in to Kyuhyun, who triumphantly hogs the computer to himself. Kyuhyun really knows how to manipulate them, he muses. He knows how to go against his own mature personality and put on the puppy dog eyes, an adorable pout and just appear impossibly cute out of the blue.

 

It takes a moment for it to sink in and Jongwoon blinks. What?

 

It is not unusual for him to regard the members as cute. Heck, for Jongwoon, all his dongsaengs are cute by default anyway (though he will never admit it aloud in some cases, like Youngwoon’s), and he knows that they appear such to him because he adores them. Like Donghae and Hyukjae, for instance, who he sometimes find to be the cutest, because they are his favourite victims when it comes to skinship, welcomed or not. The more Jongwoon loves a dongsaeng or hoobae, the cuter they are to him.

 

Since when exactly has he come to regard Kyuhyun as cute?

 

~***~

 

Jongwoon is not like Kyuhyun, not in the slightest. When he thinks that he wants to repair things between them, he does not start approaching Kyuhyun the way Kyuhyun used to approach him before. He does not know if that makes him a coward, but in any case, he does not think Kyuhyun will welcome his presence anymore anyway. So, Jongwoon simply stays away, observing him, well aware of the guilt that incessantly wreaks havoc in his mind, but still unable to find the proper words to say to his dongsaeng.

 

What words exist that can possibly revoke his actions?

 

However, it seems like life has other plans for them and clearly life does not give a that the two of them have got an avoiding-each-other thing going, because before he knows it, Jongwoon finds himself and Kyuhyun pushed together once more with the formation of Super Junior KRY.

 

It is pretty hard to avoid someone when you are with him in a three-member sub group where all three of you have to collaborate together on the ballads you will be singing and harmonizing together.

 

Jongwoon is not sure if he should be pleased about this turn of events or not. At least, Kyuhyun cannot completely stay away from him now, but what good does that do him when he has no freaking idea what to say to him?

 

Thank God for Ryeowook’s presence, truly. The eternal maknae subtly acts like a bridge between them, where they communicate more through him rather than addressing each other directly. Jongwoon is also aware that Ryeowook has some idea about what is happening between them. He remembers that, on the night Sungmin came to speak to him about Kyuhyun for the first time, Ryeowook had enquired about it afterwards. His dongsaeng knows a lot more than he lets on. Nonetheless, Ryeowook does not say anything, choosing to keep his silence and for that Jongwoon is thankful. He does not think he can take any more of the members’ rebukes.

 

More than once, Jongwoon gets the urge to just speak to Kyuhyun – to say anything at all – but when he sees the way Kyuhyun avoids his eyes when he knows Jongwoon is looking, or how he is the first to leave at the end of KRY meetings with Lee Soo Man as if he cannot stand another second in Jongwoon’s presence ... the words, whatever they may have been, simply die in his throat.

 

He thinks he knows now how he has made Kyuhyun feel all this time.

 

He thinks he deserves a lot more torture than this.

 

~***~

 

It is somehow painful to be in KRY. Kyuhyun is so close that Jongwoon could have embraced him, but they have never felt more far apart. They get together with Ryeowook to talk and discuss the lyrics, but never to each other. They sing and record the songs together at the studio, but never face each other. They sit side by side during meetings, but never touch each other.

 

KRY feels hollow and lifeless. Or maybe that is just Jongwoon. But still.

 

He has just begun to ask himself if things are better off this way, where Kyuhyun does not have to deal with him and instead can be with his other more loving hyungs who actually treat him right, when life decides to take another jab at him in the form of making him a radio host.

 

His being assigned to Miracle For You is not the problem, though. Being a radio DJ is a job he takes on more than gladly. But then Jungsu decides to his nose in.

 

Since their last confrontation, the leader has not asked Jongwoon anything about the situation with Kyuhyun again, but the latter has enough experience with the eldest hyung to know better than to hope. Knowing Jungsu, he has not forgotten about it. And considering his overbearing umma-ness over anything to do with SJ, Jongwoon is ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure that Kyuhyun’s change of behaviour has not escaped Jungsu’s attention. It really was only a matter of time before Jungsu decided to stoke their fire again.

 

‘Congratulations,’ he wishes Jongwoon heartily when his job of hosting Miracle For You is finalised. ‘Try your best and get many listeners, Jongwoonie. I’m sure you’ll do brilliantly as a host.’

 

Jongwoon grins happily and thanks him, which Jungsu waves aside with a light laugh and says, ‘It’ll be great if some of us can call you on your first show to give our support.’

 

The younger man blinks before smiling. ‘It’s OK, hyung, I don’t mind. We all have solo activities and I’m sure you’re also very busy. Don’t force yourself.’

 

He begins to feel that something is amiss when Jungsu shakes his head firmly and, with a manic gleam in his eyes, promises to get any members that will be free during M4U’s first airing to give Jongwoon a call. He remains doggedly insistent even after his dongsaeng protests, ‘I don’t want anyone to feel obligated’ and saunters away with that same possessed glint in his eyes, leaving an inexplicably apprehensive Jongwoon to be enveloped in the arms of the other well-wishing members.

 

He should have seen it coming.

 

On his first day on the job, after he has dedicatedly (and somewhat clumsily) settled into the role of radio DJ by following all the helpful pointers his PD has given him, the first phone call finally comes along. A chilling tingle creeps down Jongwoon’s spine as an all-too-familiar voice quietly introduces himself as ‘Hello everyone, I’m Super Junior’s Kyuhyun,’ and Jongwoon just knows that this is all Jungsu’s doing.

 

Will it be considered matricide if he murders Jungsu now?

 

But they are on air and this is live and he needs to find his voice which has completely vanished the moment he recognised Kyuhyun and he can see the PD on the other side of the glass, gesturing wildly at him to speak and Jongwoon stammers out the first thing that comes to mind:

 

‘Kyuhyun-ah!’

 

Oh wow. How intelligent.

 

Just as he feels his face burning up with embarrassment, Kyuhyun says over the phone, ‘I absolutely can’t hear what Yesung hyung is saying,’ and Jongwoon freezes for an instant, shocked. Not because of Kyuhyun’s words, but his tone of voice; he sounds cheerful, almost teasing, just like how he usually talks with his other hyungs. It is the most unexpected thing, but the gentle sound of it seems to wrap around Jongwoon’s heart, filling it with tender warmth.

 

Then comprehension dawns on him and it is as if the warmth in his chest has been brutally doused by a bucket of ice. Of course Kyuhyun is talking like that; they are on a freaking radio show that the public is listening to. They have to be Super Junior now, and Super Junior is friendly and funny and playful and entertaining; not cold and awkward. They are supposed to be Yesung and Kyuhyun now. Not Kim Jongwoon and Cho Kyuhyun.

 

So Jongwoon lets out a bark of laughter which is hopefully not unconvincing and Kyuyhun continues their rather one-sided conversation light-heartedly, encouraging the older man’s performance and dutifully assuring the listeners that M4U will continue to improve until it ranks as number one. Jongwoon wonders how sincere the words are. He wonders if Kyuhyun is aware of how tormented he is currently feeling, what with his repressed guilt rising up again like some monstrous tidal wave that crushes down on his lungs until he feels like he cannot breathe, and he finds himself wishing more than ever that he can go back. Go back and make right every single thing he did wrong.

 

Kyuhyun ends his words with a cheery ‘Fighting!’ and Jongwoon echoes it back to him. Before they can properly end the call, though, the line gets disconnected – which the PD has warned Jongwoon about since it is their first airing – and Jongwoon is almost glad when they fail to reconnect with Kyuhyun again. However, he cannot escape just like that. The PD has also strongly advised to end such (failed) calls on a “good, affectionate note that will be appealing to the listeners” and is already gesturing at him to do just that.

 

Jongwoon, growing flustered and still partly overcome with the kaleidoscope of emotions Kyuhyun’s call has evoked in him, hastily brings his mouth to the mic and, without thinking, lets the words just roll off his tongue,

 

‘It still can’t be connected. Kyuhyun knew that but still sent congratulations. It’s a voice message: Kyuhyun-ah!Saranghae.’

 

It takes three seconds for him to fully appreciate what he has just said. The PD is leering and giving him two thumbs up, but Jongwoon has never wanted more for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

What has he just done?

 

~***~

 

Later at the dorms, Jongwoon cannot bring himself to even look at Kyuhyun.

 

Ironic, really, because Kyuhyun does not take his eyes off Jongwoon the whole night.