Kyuhyun is smiling.

Every cell in Jongwoon’s brain seems to stop functioning when he notices that alluring upturn of the boy’s lips. Kyuhyun issmiling. Only slightly, yes, but he definitely is – while looking at none other than Jongwoon, no less.

He swallows, staring. This is not what he expected when they told him that Kyuhyun is coming onto the show today. In all honesty, he had not even known what to expect, but this Kyuhyun with that shy smile on his lips and the twinkle in his dark eyes is certainly not it.

Jongwoon is finally able to breathe when the PD joins Kyuhyun in the doorway, directing the younger boy’s avid attention away from him. He quickly turns to the papers and laptop in front of him, going over the playlist and programmes he has to cover for tonight’s Miracle For You airing. However, his focus keeps shifting. He listens to the PD instructing Kyuhyun on how to go about the Radio DJ business even as he pretends to be awkwardly adjusting his mic.

This is going to be a long night.

Jongwoon flexes his fingers and lightly drums them on the table, trying to vent out the nervousness in his gut as he waits for the PD to finish. It has been only two days since his first show and that stilted phone conversation with the maknae, and now Voilà! The aforementioned maknae is a freaking guest on his show.

And it’s not even Jungsu’s doing this time. The M4U PD himself had arranged for it because, apparently, the public’s response to a phone call from an SJ member had been tremendous. And what better way to boost the show’s ratings than by dragging said member onto the show itself?

But how in the world is Jongwoon supposed to host M4U with Kyuhyun after his latest, excruciatingly humiliating mistake?!

He flinches at the memory. He just had to speak without thinking, didn’t he? Why couldn’t he have just sweetly thanked his dongsaeng for calling and left it at that? What had possessed him to blurt out that screwed up saranghae on a public radio programme to Kyuhyun, especially when their frail relationship is on tenterhooks already?

Jongwoon groans inwardly. He feels wretched and like a fool. He has already messed things up between him and Kyuhyun so badly and then he just had to take it one step too far. What must Kyuhyun think of him now? Dropping a casual I love you after everything that has happened?

He is jerked back to the present by his PD who calls out that they are going live in two minutes. Jongwoon nods at him, feeling something clog up his throat when he rather feels than hears Kyuhyun taking the seat beside him. The boy’s white hands appear in his line of vision as Kyuhyun delicately adjusts his mic.

Jongwoon flips through his papers a last time before finally allowing himself to turn to the person beside him. His gaze is immediately met with intense dark eyes and he freezes.

It unnerves him to think that Kyuhyun has been watching him the whole time.

The corners of Kyuhyun’s lips curve up slightly again. ‘Let’s try our best and make the listeners happy, hyung,’ he says softly.

Jongwoon says nothing. All he can focus on is the mild friendliness of Kyuhyun’s tone. After so many weeks of deliberately avoiding Jongwoon ... what on earth?

Then the PD is indicating him to commence the programme and Jongwoon turns away from Kyuhyun, hoping that he can get through the night without making another thoughtless blunder.
 

~***~
 

Somehow, by some miracle, he gets through it. Without a single hitch. It is not even as hard as he imagined it to be.

They both seemed to have come to some unspoken agreement to follow the same rule that had dictated Kyuhyun’s phone call on Jongwoon’s first day: just be Super Junior and interact normally, casually and cheerfully while on air. They adopt lively, enthusiastic voices as they present, announce, talk...

Jongwoon tries to look at the maknae as just another member from SJ; someone around whom his words are not forced or awkward. Kyuhyun rises to the occasion and treats him more or less the same, chatting amicably about the topics they have to cover. Every so often, he inserts a witty comment into their banter – particularly while chattering with listeners who call into their show – making Jongwoon snort with amusement.

‘Narcissistic smart aleck,’ he shoots without thinking at his dongsaeng, who has just told a female fan over the phone line that being Kyuhyun’s fan makes her special by default because Kyuhyun, the adorable witty maknae, is naturally the most special member of SuJu.

Kyuhyun grins disarmingly at Jongwoon – a wide mischievous smile that takes the other by surprise – before laughingly telling the fan that Yesung hyung is just jealous as he rightfully should be, that old man.

The girl laughs delightedly and says something else that Jongwoon does not catch. He has almost forgotten that they are in a studio, caught up as he is with Kyuhyun’s smiling face. He takes in the crinkles at the corners of the maknae’s eyes and the huge grin stretching his lips as he jokes with the caller. There seems nothing forced about it, nothing fake. He looks truly happy, like he is enjoying himself, hosting the show with Jongwoon.

The latter bites his lips, looking down. Kyuhyun has avoided him for weeks. He has not even tried to talk to Jongwoon until that phone call two days ago. But now...

How much of all this is an act?

The show finally ends, cheery and light hearted on the outside, and it is somehow relieving to be able to leave the small enclosed studio. Or at least, Jongwoon thinks so until he realises that Kyuhyun is keeping tightly to his side. The boy walks with him, shoulder to shoulder, all the way down to the ground floor lobby, neither of them saying a word.

Finally, long slender fingers wrap around his elbow and tug him back tentatively, making him halt in his tracks and turn round. Kyuhyun’s cheeks are slightly flushed and it takes a moment or two before he can look Jongwoon in the eyes.

‘The ... uh, show tonight. It – it was fun,’ he half-stammers. He looks mildly embarrassed, but his gaze does not waver.

Jongwoon wishes for what seems the millionth time that he can just outright know what to say to his dongsaeng. Even now, his brain is failing him.

‘Yeah. Um ... you did good,’ he finally mutters and promptly feels like face-palming.

Kyuhyun does not seem to mind his half-assed reply. If anything, he looks almost glad.

‘I was really happy,’ he continues, his voice reflecting an odd mix of enthusiasm and seriousness, ‘to be given the chance to be a radio deejay with you on your show, hyung. So, I – er, what I mean to say is, thank you.’

‘It wasn’t me,’ Jongwoon answers automatically, without thinking. ‘It was the PD who wanted you.’

Kyuhyun’s grip on Jongwoon’s elbow loosens just the slightest. Something falters in his face and his eyes darken just a shade, widening.

A moment passes and then realisation hits Jongwoon: how he has phrased his words just now ... it sounds too much like a rejection.

Open mouth, insert foot.

Kyuhyun’s eyes lower to somewhere around his collarbones and he says nothing, but the internal battle is clearly reflected on his features. Growing anxious though his mistake was not deliberate, Jongwoon opens his mouth to correct himself and then stops, suddenly noticing all the stares. The both of them are still standing in the middle of the lobby, Kyuhyun holding onto him, and people passing them by are throwing odd looks at the duo.

He clears his throat, growing uncomfortable and self-conscious, and tries to ease his arm free. The action only drives Kyuhyun to tighten his grasp and he looks up, discreetly taking a step closer.

‘I know it’s kind of early,’ he says steadily, as if the previous topic never happened, ‘but there is a grilled beef place just a couple of blocks away that’s pretty cheap and really good. So, if you’re hungry, hyung, maybe we could...?’

It is almost painful to see the earnestness in the maknae’s eyes. His hand around Jongwoon’s elbow is like a death grip and he is so close that Jongwoon can smell the fragrance of his shampoo. There is just so much wrong in this scenario. Kyuhyun should not have to try this hard, for starters. And Jongwoon – as the hyung and sunbae, by rights it should behim inviting Kyuhyun out to dinner, not the other way around.

He really has messed things up so much, for both of them.

Kyuhyun’s bold stare is insistent and sincere. It reminds him of the night of the storm and Kyuhyun’s soft plea of Stay. He should say yes now; it is possibly a chance in a million to rebuild what he has broken between the two of them.

But then his phone begins vibrating and he knows without looking that it is his manager. For the first time, Jongwoon wants to ignore it all. He wants to take Kyuhyun out and just sort this whole mess, but he knows it cannot be done right now. He has responsibilities to fulfil; he does not want to be rash and reckless in his work-related decisions just like how he has been careless with Kyuhyun. He cannot make the same mistake in another field of his life.

So he answers quietly, wishing it were otherwise, ‘My schedule isn’t over yet for tonight. I have to leave in two minutes. Manager hyung’s already calling.’

The disappointment is to be expected, but it still feels like a blow to his gut, seeing the way Kyuhyun’s face falls. His hand drops from Jongwoon’s arm and he looks away, nodding once.

‘I understand. Good night, hyung.’

Kyuhyun is the first to leave and Jongwoon curses the earth and sky and everything in between. Can something as trivial as bad timing really destroy what little chance he has of rebuilding that broken bridge between them?

No, there will be other chances, he assures himself as he slowly follows Kyuhyun outside into the twilit street. But as he glances at the boy’s retreating back, he cannot help but wonder...

Kyuhyun has obviously worked up a lot of courage to invite him out, especially considering that Jongwoon is much older than him. Jongwoon turned him down this time because of work; surely even the maknae can understand that, but...

It still remains that Kyuhyun got rejected. Again.

Just how many blows can a person take?

Even if any more chances are to come Jongwoon’s way ... will Kyuhyun still be willing to accept him?
 

~***~
 

In some corner of Jongwoon’s brain, there is every intention of making it up to Kyuhyun. He thinks that later, he will find the time to take his dongsaeng up on his offer and bring him out to a nice restaurant, just the two of them and talk things over and make things right. Somehow.

But the thoughts are mostly fleeting because he – and the rest of Super Junior – are getting more and more overwhelmed with schedules, activities and last minute guest appearances on shows, most of which ensue from the continued success of U. Preparations for the upcoming year-end performances and awards do not help, either. In the end, he simply cannot find the time to seek out Kyuhyun. Their solo schedules clash together and days with group activities almost always end in group dinners with absolutely no privacy.

It could have been possible if both of them had a schedule alone together – like the M4U hosting last time – but such an offer does not crop up again and the weeks go by. There is some improvement in that Kyuhyun seems to have stopped avoiding him altogether, but he has not renewed his previous attempts at closure, either. In fact, the two of them barely see much of each other, busier as they are getting. There is no time for chitchat in the mornings. At night, Jongwoon comes home either early to an empty bedroom or very late to a sleeping Kyuhyun. They work around each other, not even meeting throughout the day most of the time until Jongwoon begins to wonder if there really has been any improvement at all.

Maybe it is not that Kyuhyun has stopped trying to avoid him. Maybe it is just that there is simply no need to try anymore.

As it is, their very lives seem determined to keep them apart.
 

~***~
 

Years and years of inhuman training; day after day of pouring sweat, blood, straining muscles and abused vocal chords; night after night of unachieved dreams, insomnia and subconscious horrors of failure that come to life in the form of nightmares that haunt him for weeks on end – every single one of them is worth it, Jongwoon realises, as he stands on stage alongside the rest of the members, illuminated under the dazzling white lights, gazing out at the sea of people that are screaming and cheering. For them.

For Super Junior.

Right now, he is not sure if this is their second or third win for U at an award show. Or maybe the fourth or fifth. Or even which award show it is. He has lost count after their first win – Super Junior’s first win ever – and all the consecutive nights and shows have merged together into one big emotional blur, but none of it matters because everything is just the same. All the feelings, the reactions, the tears, the watery smiles...

Just like the first night, Jungsu is trying and utterly failing to hold in the tears as he trips over the words of his thank-you speech. The hand gripping the mic shakes while his other arm almost crushes the bouquet of flowers against his chest, teardrops falling onto the delicate petals. Beside and behind him, the rest of the members are a mess of tangled limbs, salty tears and disjointed laughter. They are surrounded by the runner-up artists and groups who applaud them, smiling, while the speakers blare their winning song, just low enough for Jungsu’s words to be carried across the audience.

And what an audience! Jongwoon feels breathless, staring at the hundreds of pinpricks of sapphire blue light shining amongst the crowd, and the faces of all these people, mirroring the smiles and tears of the SJ members. Some of them holler words of encouragement and praise at them. It overwhelms him to bear witness to such support, such love - for them. What has he done to deserve these blessings?

It feels unreal to be standing up here. His eyes wander, taking in with adoration and pride the rest of these people that make up his family here in Seoul. Jungsu has finally given up trying to talk and Donghae takes over the mic, a tearful smile on his lips as he proceeds to inform his late father of their achievement. Youngwoon, Donghee and Siwon are randomly hugging anyone and everyone within reach, and even the more composed men like Hangeng and Kibum appear to be sniffling, their eyes suspiciously bright. A bit farther away from the spotlight, Sungmin is holding a softly crying Ryeowook, who is no worse than Hyukjae; the lead dancer’s face is a scrunched up wet mess and Jongwoon watches as Heechul, in a rare moment of tenderness that he does not often express, loops a comforting arm around Hyukjae’s slim waist. The younger man needs no further invitation to bury his face in his hyung’s shoulder.

In these moments, it fully sinks in what they are working for and how much effort they have put in to achieve it. They have none of them even dared to hope for this, but it has happened and it is only opening more doors for them, more paths to walk down on, more opportunities for success; and right then, Jongwoon just knows that they can make it. There is no doubt.

He does not even realise that he is crying too until Youngwoon suddenly appears in front of him, grinning, and swipes his thumb across his wet cheeks almost playfully. He envelopes him in a bear hug and a choked laugh escapes Jongwoon before he hugs back just as fiercely.

The jumbled speeches continue and everyone goes on embracing each other to the sounds of the audience’s cheers and U. Youngwoon lets go and Jongwoon blindly reaches for the next person, not caring who it is. He just needs to hold them, each and every one of them close to his heart because, to hell with pride, they are the best damn thing that has ever happened to him and they are all that he wants right now.

It is all a chaotic blur and half the time he is not even sure who he is embracing, but their teary smiling faces pass across his eyes one by one and it is enough. Donghae glomps him out of nowhere, nuzzles his cheek and disappears just as fast, and Jongwoon cannot help but laugh as he grabs the forearm of another one. He yanks the member close, using the momentum to spin him towards Jongwoon and, within a split second, his recognises the other’s familiar dark eyes.

The smile freezes on his face.

And then Kyuhyun’s body is colliding into his, almost knocking the wind out of him.

Kyuhyun is warm, the thought passes across some distant corner of his mind.

Something seems to unfurl in his gut and contract back in again. In that moment, Jongwoon forgets that they are on stage, under the observing eyes of hundreds of people and the meddlesome lenses of cameras. They are both silent, unmoving, with Kyuhyun’s torso pressing lightly against Jongwoon’s chest.

He tries to swallow past the strange lump in his throat. They are so close that his chin is almost resting on the maknae’s right shoulder. He can feel the latter’s cheek, positively radiating warmth, brushing against his own. Kyuhyun’s hot breath ghosts down the side of his neck, goosebumps erupting along its wake.

The frozen moment may have lasted less than five seconds or more than a minute, Jongwoon cannot tell. But just when he returns to his senses, Kyuhyun finally acts. He pushes in even closer, much to the other’s surprise, and presses himself tightly against Jongwoon while his arms wrap around his waist, hands into the small of his back. Warm breath fans his skin again when Kyuhyun lowers his head, burying his face in the crook of Jongwoon’s neck. Through the material of their clothes, he can feel Kyuhyun’s heartbeat against his chest, fast and pounding.

His body responds automatically to Kyuhyun’s touch, immediately tensing up and becoming rigid just like it has been trained to react for the past several months. But next moment, all the unconscious stiffness disappears when he feels something wet dripping onto his skin; something that slowly trickles down his neck before disappearing down the collar of his shirt.

It should not surprise him, really, because everyone else is crying too and it stands to reason that even their youngest member would be moved to tears from the sheer happiness of such a night. But, feeling the younger boy’s shaky breathing and trembling lips against his dampened skin, some part of Jongwoon wonders whether there is more than one reason for Kyuhyun’s tears.

Perhaps he subconsciously understood the importance of this opportunity, because next moment, without really having realised it, he finds himself gently embracing the maknae back. Raising an arm, he curls his fingers in Kyuhyun’s hair before sliding his hand up and down his spine in a comforting caress, willing the younger’s crying to subside. Kyuhyun freezes at the gesture, but then relaxes in his arms, pressing so hard against Jongwoon that he almost stumbles under the weight.

‘Hyung, I...’

It is barely a murmur, so low it could have been his imagination, but Jongwoon has felt Kyuhyun’s lips move against his neck. It abruptly brings back the memory of that night, how Kyuhyun had whispered against his throat while Jongwoon held him during the storm – and somehow, it is like a sharp reminder of everything that has gone wrong until now, everything that is still wrong, and everything that possibly can go wrong in the future. Because ... right now is the chance that has eluded him for the past several weeks: the chance to fix this thing between him and Kyuhyun, to show Kyuhyun what he could not show him before, and if he screws up another time...

Jongwoon tightens his embrace and moves his hand to caress his dongsaeng’s hair again. Kyuhyun exhales slowly and tries speaking once more,

‘Hyung, I ... we ... we won.’

There is a tremor in his voice from all the pent up emotion.

‘I ... I know I haven’t been here long. Not even half as long as most of you, and ... maybe I don’t have the right to cry either, but...’

Jongwoon says nothing, but his eyes begin to prickle at the corners. A couple of months or so ago, he would have shared that opinion.

‘But right now... I’m just so happy.’

The simple declaration carries so much weight that Jongwoon feels staggered. His caressing hand stills mid-action.

‘I’m so happy, hyung,’ Kyuhyun continues, his voice just a breath. ‘I’m happy to be a part of this, a part of you all.’

Jongwoon smiles involuntarily and raises his gaze from Kyuhyun’s shoulder. His eyes are met with the sight of the other clamouring members, who are still a mess of tangled limbs and happy tears, though the MCs have come back onto the stage to wrap up the ceremony. The cameramen are buzzing around, taking close-ups of anyone and everyone, and like a slap to the face, he suddenly remembers where they are and why.

Kyuhyun, unaware of Jongwoon’s distraction, carries on, ‘I’m glad that I’m in SuJu ... that I’m ...’ he hesitates, ‘... accepted...’

Jongwoon catches the other’s last words just as he notices a camera to one side of the stage that is aimed in their direction. He freezes. For how long have they been filmed?

Kyuhyun hugs him tighter, if that is possible. ‘Jongwoon hyung –’

They are standing a little behind the other members, mostly hidden from the audience. The cameraman steps a little closer, trying to get a clearer shot of them.

‘– thank you. Truly...’

The cameraman takes another step and Jongwoon realises the potential danger they are in. As always, they are under the hawk eyes of the public, and the public never hesitates to read too deeply into the simplest of matters. People are quick to judge and even quicker to form opinions, and he and Kyuhyun may just be about to fall into that dreaded pit.

‘Thank you so much for –’

How long have they been hugging like this? How many more people have noticed? Jongwoon knows, without a doubt, that if such an image as theirs is brought to the attention of fans, it will not be passed off as nothing. A brief hug between members is normal, acceptable; but what are they? It will be too easy for people to misunderstand them –

‘– for ... accepting me. And hyung ...’

They have to stop this. Now. Before both of them get hurt from the power of media and judgemental eyes. Jongwoon grasps Kyuhyun by the shoulders –

‘Saranghaeyo.’

– and roughly pulls away from the intimate embrace.

Kyuhyun’s shock is the first thing he registers. The younger man is staring at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly open.

The second thing is that the cameraman, who has been trying to get an unhindered shot of them, has stopped in his tracks. Jongwoon thinks he seems almost disappointed; but the camera is still blatantly aimed at them.

‘Hyung...?’ Kyuhyun, oblivious to their predicament, takes an uncertain step forward, but is fortunately stopped by an exuberant Donghae who pounces on him with an ecstatic ‘Kyuhyunnie~!’

Jongwoon takes the chance to discreetly step away and bumps into Hangeng, who gives him a happy grin and wraps him in a one-armed hug. Jumping at the chance, he pats the Chinese man on the back and peeks over his shoulder at the nosy cameraman. He notes with relief that the man has now resigned himself to recording the others, having lost his chance to properly film the suspiciously intimate and extended interaction between Super Junior’s Yesung and Kyuhyun to share with the public. Jongwoon does not want to contemplate what the public – fans and antis alike – would have made of that.

With a quick smile, he steps away from Hangeng and looks around, seeking Kyuhyun. The maknae is still playing victim to Donghae’s clutches, but their eyes meet and Jongwoon recognises a look he has seen multiple times before.

Wordlessly, Kyuhyun looks away.

Jongwoon clenches his fists, angry and frustrated. The very moment he thought that he had been granted the chance he needed with Kyuhyun...! Wrong place, right time...

He will explain the truth to Kyuhyun afterwards, Jongwoon decides. He needs to clear up the misunderstanding before it leads to further damage – but it proves impossible because the maknae does not return to the dorms after the show ends that night. Bewildered and worried, for he is sure that Kyuhyun was in the vans with them before, Jongwoon seeks out Jungsu for answers.

The leader looks surprised at his inquiry. ‘The management gave Kyuhyun the day off tomorrow. He decided to leave for his parents’ house tonight itself after the awards ... didn’t he tell you?’

Jongwoon says nothing. Not counting their short exchange at the awards, it has been a while since Kyuhyun has said anything to him.

Jungsu looks carefully at him and Jongwoon immediately senses a huge umma-psychoanalysis coming up. He hastily thanks the leader, bids him good night and retreats to his dark bedroom. He curls up on the bed, facing the wall and pretends that he cannot feel the emptiness of Kyuhyun’s strewn blankets assaulting him throughout the night.
 

~***~
 

The next morning, Youngwoon spends the majority of breakfast mock-complaining about Kyuhyun getting the day off while the rest of them are slave driven. Sungmin half-heartedly scolds him (nicely) for being selfish, Ryeowook gives him second helpings of rice and Jongwoon ignores his existence as he downs his coffee.

He wishes Youngwoon would stop talking about the boy. It is only just adding to the emptiness, frustration and anxiety that have been building up in him since the previous night.

He curses the fates for not giving him his damn chance with Kyuhyun already.

And then he is left wondering if the fates are denying him what he denied Kyuhyun in the first place.

Most of their schedules are light that day, the only good thing about it. Jongwoon drags on the aloof smile he has perfected over the past few months, goes out to do his job, politely declines an invitation to go out for dinner with Kibum and Siwon, and returns to the dorms earlier than normal for him. With nothing better to do in the empty apartment, he makes himself comfortable on the sofa and stares unseeingly at the blank TV screen, mind heavy and burdened. That is how Sungmin finds him when he returns an hour and a half later, having finished his own schedules.

It takes Jongwoon aback when Sungmin plops down on the armchair next to the sofa and holds out a large bowl of fresh strawberries.

‘Bought them on my way home; I had an early night, too,’ says the younger man, as both a form of greeting and an explanation. ‘You like strawberries, right, hyung?’

Jongwoon does, but he has absolutely no appetite. However, it feels rude to say no and it is sweet of Sungmin to offer him some despite the distance in their relationship, so he smiles slightly and takes one. Sungmin looks pleased and takes a handful himself.

‘You’re not unwell, are you, Jongwoon hyung?’ he asks out of the blue, around a mouthful of strawberries.

‘No.’ Jongwoon blinks, lowering the fruit from his mouth. ‘Why?’

‘You were acting kinda off today.’

‘Oh.’ Jongwoon chooses not to elaborate and nibbles on his strawberry.

‘Is this about Kyuhyun again? I thought hyung was doing better with him.’

Seriously, by now Jongwoon should be used to Sungmin’s shrewdness and how positively blunt he can be, but he still chokes. Sungmin leans over to thump his back quickly.

‘What – what’d you mean, “doing better”?’ Jongwoon asks once his airway is clear again, shooting a rather incredulous look at Sungmin. Honestly, has he not been doing worse with Kyuhyun?

‘You two looked pretty close last night. At the show, I mean.’

Cue all the blood rushing to his face. The older man drops his gaze, mixed feelings of embarrassment and frustration assaulting him at the reminder. Last night ... last night was what could have been his salvation. But then everything went to hell again.

‘I guess not, huh?’ Sungmin says at last, studying the other’s face.

Jongwoon sighs and looks away. ‘I tried. I wanted to try ... but it wasn’t the right place and what with all the cameras and people, I didn’t handle everything very well and ...’ he chuckles bitterly, a dark look in his eyes. ‘Well, what else is new?’

Sungmin says nothing, but offers the bowl again.

‘You could try again, hyung,’ he ventures suddenly as Jongwoon picks out another strawberry. ‘Tonight.’

The other man snorts as he sinks his teeth into the plump, juicy flesh. ‘Maybe I would if he were actually here.’

‘Then you’ll get your chance in ... possibly about an hour tops, I think?’

Jongwoon looks up, surprised.

Sungmin reads the confusion in his eyes and explains, ‘Kyuhyun’s on his way back, of course. He has to be here before tomorrow’s activities. That’s why he left last night immediately after the awards. It’s not a lot of time one can spend with family...’

Oh, right. Jongwoon nods calmly in understanding, but his insides seem to have tied themselves into multiple knots at the information. He is not mentally ready for that confrontation, and so suddenly too. Having been so engrossed with his thoughts that day, he has not exactly thought of how he would explain himself to Kyuhyun yet.

They don’t speak again, but the silence between them is not uncomfortable as they sit there, slowly sharing the strawberries between them. It is quiet and a peace that is uncommon in the usually overcrowded dorms falls over them. Despite the nervousness bubbling in the pit of his stomach, Jongwoon finds himself enjoying the moment.

The moment lasts another languid half hour before it is ultimately shattered by the loud entry of one rambunctious Donghae. Jongwoon immediately suspects he is on a sugar high, judging by how he barged into the eleventh floor dormitory with the usual zeal that results from the consumption of too many sweets. This is proven momentarily by Hyukjae, who follows Donghae in with a pained look on his face and loudly declares that he will never invite the younger to a pastry shop with him and Junsu ever again.

Donghae mock-pouts at him – everyone knows Hyukjae will never follow through with his mean threats – before bouncing over to the two men in the living room. ‘Hey there, hyun - strawberries!’

‘It’s nice to know we hold your priority over food,’ drawls Sungmin dryly, but he smiles indulgently as Donghae helps himself to the fruits.

On the other side, Jongwoon chuckles in amusement. ‘Why are you even here? This isn’t your floor, Donghae,’ he tells him playfully.

Large, puppy dog eyes turn to him. ‘You’re kicking me out, Yesungie hyung?’

‘If you’re going to bounce of the walls on your sugar high, then yes,’ Jongwoon grins.

‘You should’ve known better than to give him pastries, Hyukkie,’ adds Sungmin loudly in a reproachful voice.

‘I’m already regretting it, OK,’ barks Hyukjae from the kitchen. He emerges five seconds later with a can of cola and Donghae immediately perks up. Jongwoon grabs his wrist at once.

‘Don’t even think about it. Drink any carbonated drinks in here and I’m throwing you out.’

‘But, hyung,’ Donghae half-whines, lower lip trembling. ‘You’ll do that to me? To your jjokkeumani?’

Hyukjae snorts as he perches on the arm of the sofa. ‘Aegyo is Sungmin hyung’s forte, Hae, not yours,’ he teases before happily snatching some strawberries from the almost-empty bowl.

Jongwoon completely cracks up at the look on Donghae’s face. The boy begins to protest, flailing his arms at Hyukjae, but then pauses to look back at his laughing hyung.

‘What?’ asks Jongwoon, still sniggering.

Donghae smiles widely. ‘Nothing, I’m just happy to see you’re normal, hyung.’

‘Eh? Why would you think I wasn’t normal?’

‘You were acting kinda weird today.’

Jongwoon blinks, smile fading slightly. Did everyone notice his mood today? Apparently he had been a lot more transparent than he realised. He side glances at Sungmin, but the younger is tactfully pretending not to have picked up on the implication.

‘Something happened, didn’t it?’ Donghae presses, looking carefully at him.

Jongwoon coughs, cheeks reddening slightly. ‘Eh ... uh, no.’

‘Then why do you look like that, hyung?’ Donghae begins to grin slightly, a devilish look dawning on his face. ‘It’s something embarrassing, right?’

‘What, no!’

‘Then why can’t you say what it is?’ Donghae pokes his flushed cheeks playfully. ‘Are you hiding something from me, Jongwoonie hyung?’

‘Donghae!’ Jongwoon tries to edge away, lightly slapping away the hands.

‘You’re totally hiding something from me!’

‘No, I’m not. Go away.’

‘Hyukkie, hyung’s hiding something! Get him to tell us.’

‘Don’t drag me into this.’ Hyukjae finishes off the last strawberry and his fingers clean.

‘... I bet it’s something that is totally blackmail material.’

The living room grows deathly quiet. Only the tick-tock of the clock can be heard for several seconds.

Finally, ‘You’re evil,’ breathes Sungmin, staring at Donghae with something akin to awe on his face.

Donghae just grins triumphantly, watching Hyukjae expectantly. The young man has frozen at Donghae’s last words. Slowly, his eyes coming alive, Hyukjae turns to look at Jongwoon.

Jongwoon feels as if a void has opened up beneath him. He knows what is coming next.

‘So, are you going to tell us or not, hyung?’ Hyukjae tilts his head to one side. He looks deceptively innocent and positively adorable like that, but Jongwoon recognises the dangerous, mischievous glint in his eyes.

‘Don’t you dare –’ he begins warningly. Wrong move.

In an instant, Hyukjae tackles him to the sofa, unopened can of cola sent flying. His long, wiggling fingers immediately fly all over Jongwoon’s body, tickling him everywhere and Jongwoon cannot choke down the shrieks of laughter that escape his lips as he struggles to evade those evil fingers. With a maniacal grin, Hyukjae skilfully avoids his slapping hands and increases the intensity of his attack, making the elder roar with laughter while Donghae and Sungmin cackle in the background, the former cheering on Hyukjae.

‘Surrender your secrets, hyung!’ Hyukjae commands, grabbing his sides.

‘In your dreams,’ grunts Jongwoon, gasping for breath and still trying to get the other off him.

‘Your funeral,’ says Hyukjae with a diabolical grin.

Jongwoon, however, has seen an opening. The moment he gains some proper leverage against the sofa with his left leg, he grabs Hyukjae by the hips and manages to flip his dongsaeng underneath him with one forceful manoeuvre. With a yell of protest, Hyukjae tries to tickle him again, but Jongwoon grabs his wrists and pins them down on either side of Hyukjae’s head while simultaneously straddling him to keep him down. The younger boy tries to free himself, but Jongwoon has not won every single arm wrestling match that Hyukjae has challenged him to for nothing, after all. He grins victoriously down at his squirming dongsaeng, finally able to catch his breath.

‘You honestly didn’t think you’d win against me, did you?’

Jongwoon’s triumph lasts only three seconds though, because he had forgotten to calculate in another person’s presence. Next thing he knows, Donghae has pounced on him from behind, guffawing loudly in his ears as he begins tickling his armpits.

‘Not fair!’ shouts Jongwoon, trying to get Donghae off his back, but the moment he releases Hyukjae’s wrists, Hyukjae takes the chance to grab his sides and tickle his stomach again, smirking. The living room immediately fills with roaring laughter once more and Jongwoon, in a desperate attempt to get away from all the torture, lets his full weight fall on Hyukjae, completely smothering the young man underneath him. The latter yells in protest, but right now, Jongwoon cannot care that he is crushing one of his favourite dongsaengs. At least Hyukjae’s hands are not free anymore; he only has Donghae to deal with.

‘A little help would be nice,’ he calls out to Sungmin, trying to shoulder Donghae away without freeing the boy under him. Donghae only holds on tighter and tries to tickle his throat, chanting, ‘Tell me your embarrassing secret, hyung. Tell me tell me tell me.’

‘I really don’t think I want to get involved in that,’ replies Sungmin bemusedly just as the door opens and Heechul walks in.

The effeminate man stops dead in his tracks, gaping at the scene unfolding in front of him and then makes a face.

‘Honestly,’ he drawls sarcastically, as he makes his way to the empty armchair beside Sungmin. ‘When I thought I’d take the opportunity of a rare free night to see how my dongsaengs were doing down on the eleventh floor, I did not want to walk in on them having a right on the living room sofa.’

‘What?!’ exclaims Jongwoon. At the same time, Sungmin chokes on the cola that Hyukjae had previously discarded.

‘Have you seen yourself?’ Heechul demands, crossing one leg over the other as he crocks an eyebrow at Jongwoon. ‘Grinding full on against Hyukjae while Donghae rides you like a bloody pony?’

‘Heechul hyung!’ cry out four voices, scandalised.

Heechul snickers. ‘It’s true. Do you have any idea how many women would kill to be in your position right now?’

Blushing furiously, Jongwoon tries to buck Donghae off him again, but them immediately stops, realising that the scenario really does look like how Heechul has described it. The older man begins to laugh again and Jongwoon buries his face in Hyukjae’s shoulder, humiliated. He wishes Donghae would stop straddling him from behind already.

But of course the youngest boy in the room has other ideas and he resumes his attack on Jongwoon, starting up the chaos again. Poor Hyukjae, crushed at the very bottom, is subjected to the full brunt of it and he yelps out,

‘Sungmin hyung, help me –!’

‘You started it, you know.’

Hyukjae groans in exasperation (and some pain, for the struggling duo on top of him are getting even more zealous) and looks imploringly at his last resort. ‘Heechul hyung ...?’

Heechul raises an eyebrow again. ‘Yes?’

‘Um ... lend a hand, pleas - Ow!’

A leer slowly stretches across the man’s good-looking face. ‘Lend a hand? To what, your shenanigans?’

‘No, that’s not what I – !’

‘’s not enough for ya, Hyukkie?’ Heechul drawls, smirking and obviously enjoying himself far too much. ‘You’d rather that I join in and turn it into a full blown ?’

‘Hyung!’

Heechul laughs heartily. ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’d much rather be voyeurs with Sungmin, anyway.’

Sungmin looks up, appearing slightly offended, and tries to protest, but before he can get a word out, the door of the apartment is thrown open so hard it bangs off the wall. Donghae freezes from where he has Jongwoon in a headlock and all five people in the living room look round at the entrance.

A moment later, Kyuhyun appears in the doorway, almost tripping over his own feet as he stumbles inside and flings a rucksack to one side. A hassled-looking Ryeowook rushes in immediately afterwards and grabs the maknae around the waist to support him for he is obviously inebriated out of his mind.

‘Kyuhyun, stop,’ he says worriedly when the younger boy tries to shake him off. ‘Please, you need – here, I’ll take you to your room, you need to sleep it off –’

‘Don’t need,’ grunts the maknae, trying to shove Ryeowook away. ‘I don’t – gerroff me. I dun need you –’

‘Come on, Kyu.’ Ryeowook keeps a firm grip around the stumbling boy. ‘Why’d you drink so much...?’ His voice trails off when he finally notices the people present. ‘Oh. Uh. Hey...’

Kyuhyun looks round, squinting. A few seconds pass before he seems to recognise any of them; his eyes pass blearily over Sungmin and Heechul before focussing on the trio on the sofa. All of them are as they were before, not having moved a muscle since the two maknaes entered. Kyuhyun blinks a couple of times and his eyes grow slightly clearer as he takes in the scene of Hyukjae underneath Jongwoon underneath Donghae.

A shadow falls across his face.

‘Kyuhyun,’ speaks up Sungmin suddenly, as if having sensed some sort of danger. ‘Good, you’re back already!’

He does not get a reply. Kyuhyun barely seems to have heard him as he continues to stare through his drunken haze. His focus narrows in on the eldest man on the sofa and something seems to snap in his eyes.

‘You...!’ He roughly pulls away from Ryeowook and half-runs, half-stumbles towards the man in question. ‘You!’

In an instant, Donghae has slid off Jongwoon’s back and the latter quickly rises to his feet, freeing Hyukjae who jumps up and quickly gets out of Kyuhyun’s way. The maknae ignores all of them and lungs drunkenly at Jongwoon.

‘You!’

Jongwoon sees it coming; he could have stopped or dodged it, but doesn’t, allowing Kyuhyun’s fist to land on his jaw.

It stings something awful, his head snaps to one side and Jongwoon tastes the coppery tang of blood in his mouth, but he welcomes it. He welcomes the pain, the raw anger behind it and the sheer peace it brings to his mind. This is what he has unconsciously been waiting for, what he deserves from Kyuhyun and more. This is perhaps the true beginning of his redemption, his chance.

He turns back just as Kyuhyun lands another punch to his gut. This time, however, there is not a lot of strength behind it and it only leaves him slightly winded. He hears someone calling for Kyuhyun to stop, but the maknae speaks over them, half-yelling and almost unintelligible in his state of intoxication –

‘You, just – just why! I don’t – don’t even ...!’

He lungs at Jongwoon again and the latter braces himself, expecting more pain, but Kyuhyun just crashes into him, clutching at his shoulders. The momentum sends him stumbling back; his legs hit the sofa behind him and for the second time that night, Jongwoon finds himself tackled back onto it, but this time with Kyuhyun atop him instead.

He glimpses Ryeowook rushing forward to help him, but he stops dead when Kyuhyun begins to shout at Jongwoon again and this time, his words are quite coherent,

‘Why?! Just, why, huh? Why! Tell me what I’m doing wrong!’

Shocked, Jongwoon gapes at the boy sprawled on him and sees for the first time that there are actual tears in Kyuhyun’s hazy, bloodshot eyes. His nails sink into his shoulders and he almost shakes Jongwoon, knees digging into the sides of Jongwoon’s thighs.

‘You tell me what I should do! What is it that you want me to do?’ He is positively crying now, voice shaking and raw with anger and hurt. Jongwoon has never seen him like this. ‘You – you ...! I love hyung so much, but you always, always push me away! W-why do you ... you h-hate me s-so much?’ He squeezes his eyes shut and more tears escape from under his eyelids. ‘I ... I don’t know what to do anymore...’

For the life of him, Jongwoon cannot think of a single thing to say. Speechless and shaken, he just stares at his crying dongsaeng, taking in his tears, his tortured eyes reflecting every bit of anger and hurt Jongwoon has caused him, and the premature lines of exhaustion on his young face. He tiredly lowers his head to Jongwoon’s shoulder, letting go of his passion and remaining strength entirely. Jongwoon gasps a little as Kyuhyun’s dead weight nearly crushes him. He can feel the tears soaking through his shirt.

Drunk, fatigued and on the verge of passing out, Kyuhyun speaks again, quieter now, ‘The only thing I ever wanted from hyung was for you to accept me ... Was that too much...?’

He falls silent after that, finally losing consciousness from all the alcohol in his system. Jongwoon swallows thickly, listening to the sound of his own heartbeat. Someone clears his throat and, with a start, he remembers they are not alone.

Heechul, Sungmin, Hyukjae, Ryeowook and Donghae are all standing back, staring at them with varying degrees of utter shock, confusion and pity. Hyukjae clears his throat again and Heechul, taking Donghae’s arm, mutters lowly, ‘I think it’s time we returned upstairs.’

Ashamed of himself and mortified, Jongwoon looks down at the sleeping Kyuhyun in his arms, avoiding their eyes. To his surprise and gratitude though, Sungmin pats his arm and whispers, ‘Take your chance, hyung. Fighting!’ before retreating to the bedroom with Hyukjae, and Heechul adds quietly, ‘I’ll keep Jungsu from coming down here tonight.’

It takes him aback, this rare side of Heechul, but it is not unwelcome and he tries to smile at the older man as he leaves the apartment with Donghae. Only Ryeowook lingers, wringing his hands slightly.

‘Um, hyung...?’

Jongwoon exhales softly. ‘Yeah, Wookie?’ He remembers that Ryeowook is one of the few people who is aware of his situation with Kyuhyun.

‘I just ... um ...’

‘What is it?’

‘Uh, remember that time Kyuhyun came home drunk and sobbing over Teukie hyung, many months ago? I think I mentioned it...’

Jongwoon nods emotionlessly. Now that Kyuhyun and Jungsu actually have a stable, affectionate hyung-dongsaeng relationship, the incident has become something of a fond joke among the members. ‘What about it?’

‘Well,’ Ryeowook looks reluctantly at him, but his eyes are determined. ‘I just thought I should tell you now that Teukie hyung is not the only one Kyuhyun has cried over in the past ... And ...’ He looks down, ‘this ... is not the first time he’s broken down because of you. It’s about time you knew.’

Biting his lip, Ryeowook leaves and Jongwoon cannot remember ever having felt as horrible as he does right now. He looks at Kyuhyun, asleep on his shoulder, and feels a prickling sensation at the corner of his eyes. Gritting his teeth to keep back all the curses he wants to yell at himself, he wraps his arms around the boy, holding him tightly.

For a singer, he thinks that he is highly inadequate when it comes to words. Even now, they evade him. So, he buries his nose in Kyuhyun’s soft hair and mumbles the only ones that come to mind. They are short and empty-sounding and not even close to enough, but they are true and sincere and from the bottom of his heart, and he repeats them over and over again into Kyuhyun’s hair:

I’m sorry, Kyuhyun ... I shouldn’t have – I’m sorry...

He has failed Kyuhyun and himself so badly and so many times. His recent measly efforts have been pointless. He has been unable to stop everything from spiralling out of hand. But...

Looking down at Kyuhyun and observing his sleeping face, Jongwoon is reminded of the first time he has ever held Kyuhyun this close: the first time he had been given a chance to right his wrongs, the chance that he messed up and subsequently made everything so much worse. It feels almost like déjà vu having Kyuhyun asleep in his arms again, but this time – this time will be different. This time, he will not let the fates take away his chance again or screw it up like he has done before. This time...

This time, I’ll stay.
 

~***~
 

It is utterly silent in the living room when he wakes up. Silent and dark, just barely lit from the dim light of dawn trickling in through the windows. Jongwoon blinks slowly. It is too early to be up. His schedules do not start until much later today, if he remembers correctly –

What the? His eyes widen as he feels something on his arm. At the same time, he registers the weight resting on top of him, warm and heavy.

Kyuhyun.

Holding his breath and trying not to move his lower body, he looks down. Kyuhyun has shimmied down a bit from his previous position last night; instead of his shoulder, his head is now resting on Jongwoon’s chest. And judging from the fact that he is tapping a finger against Jongwoon’s forearm, which is hanging over the side of the sofa, he is very much awake.

The first thing Jongwoon wonders is why Kyuhyun is still there. Wouldn’t he have wanted to get as far away as possible after everything that happened last night? But ... he cannot deny he is glad Kyuhyun stayed. Perhaps he has not left yet because Jongwoon had been asleep – and ... if Kyuhyun still wants to stay... maybe that means that not all hope is lost, after all...

The tapping on his forearm continues and Jongwoon focuses on it, frowning thoughtfully. Several seconds later, he realises that there is a rhythm to it, a certain beat...

Kyuhyun presses just a bit tighter against his chest, adjusting the position of his head, and then realisation strikes Jongwoon.

His heartbeat.

His throat goes dry. He cannot explain it, but the thought of Kyuhyun listening to his heart and tapping out its rhythm feels like something forbidden and intimate, extremely so. His heart accelerates, beginning to pound against his chest and Jongwoon curses it; it will give him away.

Kyuhyun notices the change at once. His tapping finger halts on Jongwoon’s arm and he turns rigid for just a second before quickly lifting his head. His dark eyes meet Jongwoon’s open ones, his gaze fills with alarm and embarrassment (along with something that almost looks like shame, but why?) and next moment, he is sitting up, hurrying to get off Jongwoon’s body.

In almost slow motion, Jongwoon sees his chance slipping away. If he does not stop it now, then that will be the end of it. He just knows it.

He does not pause to think; he just reacts, grabbing Kyuhyun to pull him back down on top of him again, and loops his arms around his slim waist so that he cannot get away. Kyuhyun stares down at him slightly open-mouthed, a kaleidoscope of emotions bursting into life in his eyes. His cheeks redden and his warm breath, still carrying a faint smell of soju, washes over Jongwoon’s face.

Jongwoon his dry lips. The colossal significance of this moment sinks into his mind, reminding him of exactly how much is at stake. There are so many things left unsaid that needs to be said, right here, right now. And so Jongwoon begins, with a simple word,

‘Stay.’