Stay.

The irony is almost laughable that it is him, Jongwoon, who is now making the same request of Kyuhyun which he had denied him in the first place. Kyuhyun is fully within his rights to mock him now, to sneer, turn away and leave – but he does not. A shadow has fallen across his eyes, still mildly bloodshot from the previous night’s alcohol, and his lips are pressed tight together, keeping his face emotionless – but he still remains in the trap of Jongwoon’s arms, silent, wary and waiting.

And it is so much more than what Jongwoon has ever offered Kyuhyun. So much more than what he had cared to give when it was Kyuhyun who had wanted this very same thing from him: to stay and listen and give Kyuhyun a chance. The guilt that rises up within Jongwoon is so consuming that in that moment, he cannot find the air to breathe let alone the words to speak.

‘I...’ His tongue stops there and Jongwoon wishes there was a way he can let Kyuhyun know what he is feeling now, what he has wanted to tell Kyuhyun for the past few months, and just how much he has wanted Kyuhyun to know all along, because words - what words in the world are enough to convey what is in his heart to this boy in his arms? 

But Kyuhyun is still waiting and Jongwoon has to – needs to – convey all of that, somehow, with whatever words he can find. 

Because it has always been the ultimate barrier between them – this cold unending silence – and if Jongwoon cannot bring down that wall in this final opportunity, then he and Kyuhyun will only ever remain what they are even now ... two strangers living under the same roof.

‘Kyuhyun, I...’ Jongwoon swallows. ‘I just ... listen to me, please, I...’

Kyuhyun looks expressionlessly at him for a few seconds, and then sighs. ‘You ... I am listening, hyung. I’ve always been listening. You’ve just never given me anything to listen to.’

The cold truth behind that simple statement pierces Jongwoon like a knife blade and his chest constricts so painfully with all his pent up guilt that he feels literally sick to his stomach, and yet he knows that what he is feeling now is nothing compared to the grief he has caused Kyuhyun. Said boy is watching him again, tight-lipped and weary and waiting, but when several seconds pass in silence, he pushes slightly against Jongwoon’s chest.

‘But I am tired of waiting, hyung,’ he says quietly as he tries to ease out of Jongwoon’s unrelenting arms. ‘I’m tired of listening for something I will never hear –’

‘I’m sorry.’

Kyuhyun stops struggling and stares down at Jongwoon, his bloodshot eyes widening. His breath catches in his throat and his dry lips part slightly, trembling a little. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Jongwoon hears himself repeating his apology again. His voice comes out hoarse and shaky, and his hands shake a little too as he tentatively reaches up to slowly brush back the hair flopping into Kyuhyun’s disbelieving eyes. He hears Kyuhyun’s little intake of breath as his fingertips skim over the heated skin of his forehead and then Kyuhyun suddenly bites his trembling lips hard, squeezing his eyes shut. 

Instinctively, Jongwoon tightens the arm he has left around the boy’s waist, afraid that Kyuhyun will push himself off and walk away and never come back to him, leaving Jongwoon to drown in this mess that will never be cleared up. He cannot allow that, not when he is so close to reaching out to Kyuhyun...

And yet, watching Kyuhuyn open his eyes again and seeing the tears pooling in them, he has never felt so far away from him, either. Their relationship right now is so fragile, Kyuhyun is so fragile, and only one wrong word or move from Jongwoon is needed to break them – him – beyond repair. 

His heartbeat is painful against his ribs and it is not until he feels a wetness at the corner of his left eye that Jongwoon realises Kyuhyun is not the only one shedding tears. 

Kyuhyun breathes out shakily, another tear escaping his eyelids, but he ignores it and gazes down at Jongwoon so intensely it almost comes off as a glare. ‘What?’ he whispers, almost hisses, and underneath the conflicting emotions, Jongwoon can hear the confrontation in his voice; the challenge.

It is a dare, almost a command that Jongwoon come right out and confess everything he is holding back. From a very different perspective, it is also a second chance that Kyuhyun is offering – and Jongwoon has no intention of losing it.

‘I’m sorry, Kyuhyun-ah,’ he says softly and sincerely, meeting the dark eyes boring into his own. ‘I’m so sorry for all these several months, for everything.’

Kyuhyun swallows and more tears escape, but his eyes does not waver (though his voice does). ‘And? What is that? What is everything?’

Jongwoon’s mouth opens slightly. It should not surprise him that Kyuhyun is pushing this. After everything, Kyuhyun deserves Jongwoon’s proper acknowledgement and now, it is crystal clear he is not afraid to demand it. Jongwoon owes it to Kyuhyun, his attention and his words. And a whole lot more.

‘For everything ...’ Jongwoon murmurs, trying to find those elusive words to elaborate. ‘For ... for not welcoming you into our group first of all, even though,’ he thinks back to how Kyuhyun had looked the first time they met, ‘though that was when you needed us to be good hyungs to you the most. Everyone else at least tried. I ... I wouldn’t even shake your hand.’

Jongwoon swallows the lump forming in his throat and tries to continue, grappling desperately for the right sentences, ‘And then – then ... I’m sorry for not accepting you even afterwards. For being so selfish and – and not considering your feelings ... you kept trying so hard and – I’m sorry I did nothing but push you away, every single time. I ... you ... I kept trying to pretend that – that you weren’t there, that I didn’t care one bit and ... I’m sorry, Kyuhyun ... for making you try so hard,’ Jongwoon’s voice cracks a little. ‘I’m sorry for not looking and not listening and not speaking and...’

He’s sorry for all the looks he didn’t return, all the words he didn’t listen to, all the things he didn’t say, and all the touches he didn’t reciprocate...

Kyuhyun’s eyes are still unreadable, but only due to the explosive myriad of different emotions in them rather than a lack of. Pressed down flush against Jongwoon, his heartbeat is easily felt through their clothes, fast and thumping, and Jongwoon thinks back to earlier when he woke up to Kyuhyun tapping the rhythm of Jongwoon’s own heartbeat on his forearm...

The next words come automatically, without an effort. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t stay.’

Jongwoon thinks he feels Kyuhyun’s heart skip a beat. The maknae is gaping at him through his teary eyes, mouth agape, and Jongwoon gives into the impulse to brush his thumb across his cheek, wiping the tear trails. Kyuhyun involuntarily closes his eyes at the gentle touch. Jongwoon’s fingers trail up, pushing back his fringe again before coming down to rest on his jawbone. 

‘I’m sorry for not staying,’ Jongwoon repeats in a stronger voice and it almost feels like they have been transported back to that night of the storm. ‘And I’m sorry for making you feel abandoned, time and time again. Most of all, I’m sorry for not being able to make things right earlier. I’m sorry I was pathetic and cowardly and a fool.’

Kyuhyun slowly opens his eyes and they look even more bloodshot than earlier, reminding Jongwoon of what happened last night after the inebriated maknae and Ryeowook came back ... The unshed tears at the corner of his eyes finally spill over and his voice breaks as he forces out the next words,

‘I’m sorry for making you like this, Kyuhyun-ah, this is all my fault. I’m sorry I made you break down so many times and for causing you so much pain and for hurting you no matter what I did. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me. I’m ...’ he stops dead as Kyuhyun suddenly stifles a sob; his dongsaeng now looks much like how he did last night when he lost control: defeated and broken. Jongwoon’s heart clenches at the sight.

‘... I’m sorry for not being the hyung you deserve.’

Without a word, Kyuhyun lets his head drop onto Jongwoon’s shoulder, much like the previous night. His shoulders tremble under Jongwoon’s fingertips and the hot tears leak into Jongwoon’s shirt, damping his skin.

There is complete silence for a minute, save for Kyuhyun’s strained breathing. He finally speaks, voice low and hoarse, ‘Can you let go now, hyung?’

Jongwoon thinks his heart stops beating for a second, in shock and fear.

And then Kyuhyun adds, ‘My head hurts and this is uncomfortable...’

‘Oh.’ 

Jongwoon swallows, his heart still clenching painfully. With the utmost reluctance, he loosens his arm from around Kyuhyun’s waist. He holds his breath, still terrified that Kyuhyun will walk away, but the boy simply shifts off Jongwoon’s body so that he is lying awkwardly on his side beside the older man, right at the outer edge of the sofa. 

Kyuhyun had done a fair job of ignoring his hangover earlier, but this movement disorients him; he almost falls right off the edge and Jongwoon turns to grab him around the waist again. He shifts as far back as possible to make more room and pulls Kyuhyun along. It is then that Jongwoon feels the déjà vu, as the both of them lie still for several seconds, facing each other and forced close together by the limited space on a piece of furniture not designed to accommodate the horizontal bodies of more than one person. Kyuhyun’s breath washes over Jongwoon’s lips and he wonders, staring into the conflicted dark eyes staring into his own, whether Kyuhyun is thinking about the same memory that he is...

Rain and thunder, hot chocolate and thick blankets, low whispers and soft breathing, a warm touch...

‘Hyung...’

Jongwoon breaks eye contact, suddenly losing confidence and scared of himself, of Kyuhyun, everything. Removing his arm from around the boy, he begins to sit up, muttering nervously, ‘You need something for your hangover? I’ll get some water –’

‘You’re doing it again.’

Jongwoon freezes as Kyuhyun grabs his forearm. ‘You’re pushing me away again, just like always.’ Kyuhyun’s fingers tighten, almost like a plea. ‘Hyung ... just now, I felt like you were opening up to me for the first time. Please ... don’t. Don’t go back there again. Not now.’

Jongwoon does not know what he feels – shame or guilt or fear – as he slowly lies down again. Kyuhyun keeps holding onto his arm and Jongwoon lets him.

Minutes pass. The darkness of the living room lightens ever so slowly as the depth of night crawls into dawn. The heavy silence persists, punctuated only by the amplified echoes of the drip-drip of the leaky kitchen tap. Meanwhile, the warmth of Kyuhyun’s fingers never leaves.

‘What are you so scared of?’

The whispered question catches Jongwoon by surprise. He gapes at Kyuhyun, whose eyes have never left him.

‘Do I scare you?’ he prompts quietly when there is no answer coming forthwith. 

‘Yes. No. Maybe, I don’t know...’ Jongwoon hears himself reply before his brain catches up.

Kyuhyun swallows. ‘Then why is it you keep looking for a way to run from me? Back then, and even now – even after saying you regret everything...?’

Several seconds pass before Jongwoon can even think properly, still shaken by the unprecedented question. ‘Maybe ... I’m scared of myself. Scared of what I become when I’m around you.’ He bites his lips. ‘And maybe ... I’m scared of what you represent.’

‘What do I represent?’ Kyuhyun’s voice is so low Jongwoon almost does not hear him. His eyes grow darker, filled with fear.

‘... Everything I’m not. Everything I can’t be. And everything I’ve done wrong – what I’ve done to you.’

Jongwoon breathes in deeply, allowing Kyuhyun to digest his words before adding, ‘And perhaps what you represent most, what scares me most, is what I don’t know.’

Confusion immediately tinges the swirling emotions in Kyuhyun’s eyes. ‘Wh – what does that mean, what you don’t know?’

Jongwoon his lips slowly, avoiding the other’s gaze. ‘What you want from me, Kyuhyun ... I know exactly where my relationships with all my other dongsaengs stand. What we expect from each other, what we are to each other. But you ... what am I to you? What do you want from me? I don’t know.’

‘Jongwoon hyung...’

‘I – I don’t know what you see me as. I don’t know how you look at me. And when y–you ... touch me’ – Kyuhyun’s breath catches and Jongwoon knows he’s breached a forbidden subject, yet it is no secret between them; just a transgression previously unspoken of that he needs to speak about now – ‘I don’t know what is on your mind at those times. I don’t know exactly what you want from me.’

‘Hyung...’

Jongwoon speaks over him, afraid if he stops now, the words may never come again, ‘I do know you wanted me to pay attention to you, Kyuhyun. No matter how much I pretended to not notice you were there, I knew that much even though I ignored it. And what Sungmin told me – that’s true, too. I know you wanted me to care about you. But ...’ He falters.

‘But...?’ Kyuhyun prompts, and in that moment, he looks as scared as Jongwoon himself.

‘But ... to what extent?’ 

Kyuhyun’s lips part and Jongwoon has to force out the rest before he loses his nerve. ‘Last night, before you passed out ... you said all you ever wanted was for me to accept you.’

‘Yes...’

‘But how far does that go? To what extent do you want me to accept you? Just as my dongsaeng or ...?’

Kyuhyun’s breathing is so hoarse and shaky it sounds almost painful and his voice trembles a little as he whispers, ‘Why are you asking me this? What makes you think of me this way?’

‘Because ... All this time, during these past several months, everything you’ve done around me ... no other dongsaeng – no other person has ever been like that with me...’

Silence falls and Jongwoon wonders if he is about to regret voicing these thoughts, which his subconscious used to nurse at the back of his mind; the thoughts he refused to acknowledge for so long because he was afraid of what they might mean, afraid of how they might change him, afraid that he would finally find a name to put to that emotion he often sees in Kyuhyun’s dark eyes when the younger man looks at him...

His heart almost stops as Kyuhyun suddenly slides the hand he left on Jongwoon’s arm up until he is gently grasping his wrist. With a gentle tug, he lifts Jongwoon hand and places it on his own head, threading Jongwoon’s fingers through his hair with his own. Kyuhyun guides Jongwoon’s hand with his fingers, through his hair and then down the side of his face in a caress before bringing it to rest on his cheek. His eyes never leave Jongwoon’s the whole time.

‘This is what you do to Donghae hyung.’

Jongwoon, who has been feeling as if a frog has lodged somewhere in his throat, nods slowly, heart pounding hard against his ribs. ‘Yes...’

‘You often touch Hyukjae hyung like this, too.’

‘Yes.’

‘And Kibum and Ryeowook and Siwon, you touch and hug them a lot ... and you play around a lot with Youngwoon and Donghee.’

‘Yes,’ repeats Jongwoon like a mantra, hardly noticing that Kyuhyun has dropped honorifics.

‘Even the older members ... every now and then, you mess around with Heechul and Jungsu hyung.’

‘...yes.’

‘That is what I wanted – want – from you, Jongwoon hyung.’ Kyuhyun’s palm tightens over Jongwoon’s hand, pressing it harder against his cheek. ‘How you are with the rest of them, you were never with me...’

Jongwoon drops his gaze. ‘No...’ he agrees, ashamed.

‘You hated me.’

‘Yes.’

Kyuhyun’s hand tightens even more and Jongwoon sincerely adds, ‘At first.’

Kyuhyun pauses a few seconds, breathing deeply, before declaring, ‘I’ve waited so long for you to accept me. It wasn’t your apology that I wanted, but I want to accept it all the same, only ... I can’t.’

Jongwoon starts, feeling his heart sink, as if a void has opened beneath him. ‘Kyuhyun-ah...’

‘Tell me why,’ Kyuhyun interrupts. The challenging spark is back in his eyes and he deliberately moves closer. ‘Apologising for everything that happened is not enough, hyung. I need to know why it happened in the first place.’

‘Kyuhyun...’

‘You owe me, hyung,’ Kyuhyun’s voice breaks a little. ‘You owe me at least this much...’

Jongwoon looks at him, acknowledging the truth in his words. Mouth dry, he says quietly, ‘There is no excuse. Just my own pathetic selfishness. Nothing else.’

‘...Explain.’

‘You were competition. There already were eleven other members in the group, and we were struggling. We were not popular, we had no guarantee we would make it. And even after our debut, there didn’t seem to be much hope for me. Even from among all of us, I’m one of the members with the least number of fans, and fans mean everything; success, money, fame, the guarantee of a future ... you know that by now.’

Kyuhyun nods slowly.

‘And I’m not particularly special. I don’t have Siwon’s looks, Heechul’s wit, Hyukjae’s dancing or Donghee’s gags. I have neither the appearance nor the attitude of an idol...’

‘Jongwoon hyung –’ Kyuhyun begins, almost sad and chiding, but Jongwoon cuts him off sharply.

‘I know this well enough. There’s no point in trying to delude myself.’

Kyuhyun bites his lips, his eyes shadowed. ‘But you have the talent, the voice,’ he murmurs. ‘You’re Yesung.’

A ghost of a smile flickers across Jongwoon’s countenance. ‘But then you came along.’

For the first time, Kyuhyun drops his gaze. 

‘We had already debuted and I knew you must’ve really been something for the management to decide adding a thirteenth member, but still. I did not see it coming, how good you are at what you do.’

‘But why did that make you hate me so much?’ Kyuhyun breathes, still not meeting his eyes.

‘My voice is the only reason why I made it into this industry, Kyuhyun. It’s what sets me apart from the rest; being the main singer, being Yesung is the one thing I had that I could be proud of.’

Comprehension dawns on the maknae’s face. ‘You thought I’d steal your position.’

‘You overshadowed me,’ corrects Jongwoon quietly. ‘Your voice is so beautiful and your singing so brilliant that the first time I heard you, I felt like I lost everything. My voice seemed insignificant and I could no longer see my own worth as the lead vocalist. It all seemed to belong to you.’

‘Hyung!’ Kyuhyun looks up at last and his eyes are burning and teary again. ‘How – how could you even think ...! How could you be so ...?!’

‘Stupid? Insecure?’ Jongwoon smiles mirthlessly. ‘Perhaps because you were gifted in other areas, too, unlike me.’

‘What? No. I can’t even dance without tripping over my own feet!’

Jongwoon chuckles a little in agreement. ‘No, and that’s the only thing that made me glad. But still. You have a natural witty humour, Kyuhyun. You have a strong presence on stage. And I don’t think you realise, but you are quite ... er, attractive.’

Kyuhyun’s eyes widen and he blushes. Jongwoon can feel the hotness of the maknae’s cheeks through his palm, which the other is still lightly holding to his cheek.

‘You see. On top of your singing, you have qualities that attract people to you. It’s so much more than I can say for myself...’

‘That’s not true. So many fans hated me initially –’

‘They were very quick to change their minds, weren’t they? You gained so much popularity in such a short time.’

Kyuhyun looks at him perceptively. ‘But you believed you were still at the bottom?’

Jongwoon sighs. ‘I am at the bottom, Kyuhyun. It’s a fact everyone knows. There’s no point in sugar coating it. Just having a voice is not enough for an idol, but I don’t have the rest of the package.’

‘... and ... I stole away what little you had of it...?’

Jongwoon swallows. ‘Yeah ... that’s how I felt about you.’

‘That explains it...’

‘I didn’t want to be in your shadow, I didn’t want to be second best, I didn’t want to lose to you in the one field I thought I could succeed. I refused to accept you because of that ... I just wanted nothing to do with you – but that is no excuse,’ adds Jongwoon hoarsely. ‘I should never have acted the way I did, I was wrong to hurt you and I did so many things I regret and ... I can’t say I deserve your forgiveness, Kyuhyun, but I am sincere when I say I’m so sorry for everything. I – I don’t know how else to put it...’

Kyuhyun falls silent, avoiding his eyes. Jongwoon wants to disappear, wreaked with guilt and shame. He eases his hand out from under Kyuhyun’s, palm grazing over the warm skin of the boy’s cheek, but before he can break contact fully, Kyuhyun reaches for it again, holding it possessively. He lowers their hands to rest between them on the sofa, Kyuhyun covering Jongwoon’s small hand with his own. Jongwoon does not know what to say.

‘It’s kinda funny, you know.’ Kyuhyun looks up, an ironic smile tweaking his lips. ‘When I was a trainee, you were the oneI admired most.’

Jongwoon’s jaw slackens in surprise.

‘Of course you didn’t know me back then, hyung, but believe me when I say that among the trainees, you certainly were not “at the bottom”. I’d hear people praising your voice and the first time I snuck into the practice room to listen to you myself, the only thing I thought was that I’d kill to sound half as good as you do...’ Kyuhyun chuckles humourlessly. ‘I could’ve never imagined the sunbae I was admiring would one day feel, well, threatened by me...’

Kyuhyun’s expression darkens. ‘Some might say that’s a compliment to my voice, but it’s really not. It’s nothing like what I wanted. I wanted that sunbae to like my singing, be proud of me – not hate me so much that he can’t even stand my presence.’

He looks down at their hands, forehead crinkled. Jongwoon thinks he can see angry tears in his eyes again. 

The older man slowly his lips, not knowing how to react to this unexpected revelation. He thinks he is finally beginning to understand Kyuhyun a little now, but there are still so many things he does not know, answers he still wants.

‘Why me?’ The question falls off his lips before he can stop himself. ‘Surely it can’t be just because you admired me...’

‘I don’t understand what you mean.’

‘Why did you choose me?’ He winces a little at his choice of words, but there is no going back. ‘There are so many others who adore you and actually treat you right. I was nothing like that, I kept hurting you, I didn’t want you. I would’ve understood if you started hating me back or gave up on me, but still you ... Why me?’

Kyuhyun looks carefully at him. ‘It’s true my admiring you played a small role in it. I wanted you to notice me. I was so happy to be put in the same group as you and yet it was terrifying. I could never approach you in the beginning; I was too shy and nervous. Besides,’ Kyuhyun’s lips twitch a little, ‘there were a dozen hyungs to keep track of and get along with; that kept me pretty occupied for a while…’

Jongwoon nods, listening intently.

‘I wish I’d noticed during that time that you were deliberately keeping your distance from me,’ Kyuhyun continues, a little morose now. ‘I was watching you even then – when you weren’t looking – but it took me quite a long time to realize that that was all that ever happened between us. I was just watching you from a distance and you … were with everyone else. You never came to me.’

‘What did you think the reason was?’ asks Jongwoon quietly.

The ironic smile is back. ‘Funnily enough, I actually didn’t think much of it. I probably should have, in retrospect, but my only thought at that time was that somehow, I should try to talk to you.’

‘I was the only hyung left by then,’ Jongwoon mutters lowly, but Kyuhyun hears him.

‘Well, yes, I’d made friends with all the other hyungs, but the greatest reason is I really did just want to know you. But then…’ His voice trails off; there was no need to voice out the rest.

Jongwoon digests this slowly. He does not know what to think about Kyuhyun’s confession to admiring him; it is something that has never occurred to him before, because it has always been him, Jongwoon, that had been obsessed about the beauty of Kyuhyun’s voice, afraid that that voice will be the obliteration of his own. The owner of said voice is watching him intently now and Jongwoon becomes even more aware of the warmth of his hand, which is still gently resting on top of his. He feels his cheeks heating up.

‘That still doesn’t explain why you kept at it, though,’ he ventures at last, his voice hoarse. ‘Your opinion of me must have changed after … everything …’

‘I suppose.’

‘Then…? Why did you never give up? Why didn’t you hate me?’

‘Is that what you wanted me to do?’ Kyuhyun shoots at him and Jongwoon’s breath catches. He does not want to admit that yes, he had wanted that once, long ago. 

‘I just don’t understand what could have made you keep on liking me through all that,’ he mumbles.

Kyuhyun takes several seconds to answer. He keeps his gaze fixed on their hands, his fingertips grazing over Jongwoon’s knuckles. 

‘I think ... it was because I saw the real you before I ever approached you.’

Jongwoon blinks, taken aback again for what seems the hundredth time this morning.

‘I saw how you were with the others, how you take care of your dongsaengs and how you support the older members. I saw how you play with Donghae and Youngwoon and Hyukjae and Donghee hyungs, how affectionate and fun you are around them. And you try so hard to help Jungsu hyung when he’s troubled and I see you talk to Heechul hyung when he’s angry sometimes. You say interesting things and do odd amusing things and act almost like a child sometimes and you make all the members laugh and – sometimes they pretend not to like it – but they do like it, really ... they like it when you touch them and hug them and kiss them, they like your affection. They like knowing they have a hyung who adores them so much and supports them and plays with them and ...’ Kyuhyun pauses a second, biting his bottom lip, still avoiding Jongwoon’s eyes.

‘Ryeowook said he sometimes goes to you for advice. Even Hyukjae hyung and Donghae hyung did. And Hyukjae hyung said it feels like being with his father at those times, or a really thoughtful and kind big brother. And you almost always go with Siwon hyung to mass on Sundays and you like talking with Kibummie. Many times when we all go for dinner after shows, halfway through I see you going to sit next to Kibum and I thought it was because he was too quiet and looked lonely.’ At last, Kyuhyun looks up to meet Jongwoon’s wide-eyed gaze. ‘I think the only member I don’t see you often talking to is Sungmin hyung ... but even then, there are some little things – sharing your water bottle at practice because his had run out. You even bought him coffee from a vending machine in a waiting room before a variety, just because you had extra change.’

Jongwoon does not know what to say. That Kyuhyun has been observing him since the beginning; that he remembers the details of all these little things which Jongwoon barely remembers about himself...

Kyuhyun is not finished, though. ‘I remember you sat with Hangeng hyung, once,’ he says abruptly, his eyes faraway. ‘He was upset after a performance, because of the mask, I think. He wouldn’t even listen to Heechul hyung. He left the building. Teukie hyung and the others were so stressed, but then I saw you follow him outside. When neither of you came back soon, Teukie hyung sent me out and I found you both in a little park nearby. Hangeng hyung was crying and you just sat there and held his hand the whole time...’

His dark eyes gleam in the faint light of dawn as Kyuhyun gazes at Jongwoon, moving just a little closer. ‘That kind person who cares about everyone around him – isn’t that the real you, hyung?’ 

Jongwoon cannot speak.

‘You ask me why I didn’t hate you or didn’t give up. But I did, hyung,’ Kyuhyun whispers. ‘I hated you so much for being different around me. For never giving me a piece of your true self, like how you give everyone else. I hated you for hating me while you loved all the others; I didn’t know what I’d done wrong or what it was you couldn’t stand about me and I hated that nothing I ever did around you was good enough. But ...’ Kyuhyun takes a long breath, his eyes unwavering. ‘I couldn’t hate you always.’

‘Why not?’ It comes out a whisper.

‘Because I was right about the real you. You do care.’

‘What –?’ Jongwoon starts, surprised at the little smile Kyuhyun is giving him.

‘You cared about me, Jongwoon hyung, even though you were determined not to. On the first night we shared your room, I felt you putting those quilts on me before you went to bed. You cared enough to keep me warm.’

Jongwoon’s eyes widen at the memory of Kyuhyun shivering under his thin sheets. Had he been awake then, when Jongwoon had gone to him? As he gets over the surprise, another memory of that night comes forth, vague and blurry. A warm presence beside him when he had been just on the edge of sleep, a whisper in his ear and the brush of moist skin against his cheek ... it had seemed like a dream to him...

Kyuhyun continues and Jongwoon is jerked back to the present, ‘There were other little things, too. Every time I slept through my alarm in the morning, you always made sure to wake me up on time. If you hadn’t, I could’ve been yelled at or even lost my job at some point, but you never left me. And I know how, well, irritating waking up a heavy sleeper like me can be; some days, I made you almost late for schedules, too. Everyone else would’ve already had breakfast and there’d barely be enough food left, but you always left some for me, even though you’d eat first and not wait for me to finish getting ready. Random little acts of kindness like that... 

‘But ...’ Kyuhyun tightens his fingers around Jongwoon’s hands, looking intensely at him, ‘the only time you ever let yourself be your true self with me was that night.’ He does not have to elaborate which night he meant. ‘That was when I actually truly needed you for the first time and I didn’t even have to ask. You came to me and helped me like it was natural for you to take care of me. You showed me how caring and kind your heart is and I knew I was right about you, hyung. Despite how much you tried to cut me off and ignore me, I kept seeing the person under all that, the person everyone loved and I loved him as well.’

There is a pregnant pause, deep and meaningful, in which Jongwoon is torn between awe at everything Kyuhyun has confessed and shame and guilt at himself for what he gave Kyuhyun in return. The younger is now absentmindedly Jongwoon’s hands, waiting for his hyung’s reaction, and Jongwoon mutely turns his hand over so that they are touching palm to palm; Kyuhyun’s fingers freeze.

‘I see,’ says Jongwoon at last. The words sound lame, but Kyuhyun waits, a sort of veiled hope in his eyes. ‘I ... I don’t know what I should say, I ...’ He bites his lips, at a loss. He has barely even processed everything he has heard this morning. 

‘Then,’ Kyuhyun murmurs, ‘let me ask this time, hyung.’ He pauses, as if unsure whether he should proceed, but then blurts, ‘Why didn’t you stay?’

Before Jongwoon can even blink, he continues in a nervous rush, ‘That night, when I asked you to stay, why didn’t you? You asked earlier why I never gave up on you, but truth is, I did give up on you, hyung. That time when I woke up and saw that you actually slept outside, I ... I didn’t know what to think. Only the previous night you had been so kind to me, you let me sleep with you and I thought you were finally accepting me, but then ...’ Kyuhyun shakes his head agitatedly, ‘that morning I ... I thought I repulsed you so much to the point you couldn’t even stand being beside me for one night. After everything, that – that was the last straw, I couldn’t take it anymore. And,’ he swallows, ‘if that was the case, I thought it’d be best if I gave you what you wanted and stayed away. You might’ve had a kind heart, but it was obviously not meant for me. I gave up then...’

Jongwoon slowly closes his gaping mouth. He weaves his fingers through Kyuhyun’s compliant ones, squeezing his palm earnestly. 

‘Kyuhyun ...’

‘Why didn’t you stay?’ 

‘... Because I couldn’t handle being with you that night.’

Kyuhyun looks shocked. A shadow falls over his eyes and he drops his gaze bitterly, trying to pull his hand away. Jongwoon firmly pulls him back.

‘But not in the way you’re thinking, Kyuhyun-ah. There was so much going on; I don’t know how to explain everything. Till then I’d been trying so hard to keep you away and, well, you know what I was like. But then that night happened and I no longer knew what was right and wrong. I was fighting with myself and my thoughts and everything I used to think was right, and I was fighting against everything you made me feel and I felt like I was suffocating; I had to leave–’

‘What did I make you feel?’ The question is abrupt, sharp. And Jongwoon sees that familiar emotion, the one he can never name, in Kyuhyun’s dark eyes in that moment.

Jongwoon stops dead. The expression on Kyuhyun’s face is insistent and apprehensive; desirous almost. He seems too close all of a sudden, his fingers tight around Jongwoon’s, and the latter can smell the hunger on his breath.

‘I ... don’t know,’ Jongwoon stammers, his voice dropping. ‘It’s ... it’s like what I said earlier, Kyuhyun; what you represent most, what scares me most, is what I don’t know. And this is another thing I don’t know about you, Kyuhyun ... what you feel for me, what you make me feel for you ... what ... you want me to feel for you...’

The forbidden subject is back, the one Jongwoon brought up earlier and which Kyuhyun had evaded then. They are so close their noses almost brush together, but Jongwoon holds himself from pulling back; he looks at Kyuhyun, demanding answers, waiting.

There is hesitance on Kyuhyun’s face; his eyes are veiled with nervousness and the high colour in his cheeks is obvious even in the dim light. But there is that boldness of him again as he looks Jongwoon squarely in the eyes, and he does not look away as he lifts Jongwoon’s hand to place it on his cheek once more, ever-so-slightly brushing the corner of his lips.

‘I want you to look at me, listen to me, speak to me. I’ve wanted that all this time.’

‘I know.’

‘I don’t want to just know from afar that you’re a caring person; I want you to show me that.’

‘I know.’

‘And I want you to hu –’ Kyuhyun stops suddenly and Jongwoon feels his cheek heating up under his palm. He takes a breath before embarrassedly continuing, ‘I ... want you to be with me like ... how you are with Donghae and Hyukjae and Siwon and all the other hyungs...’ 

It takes a second for Jongwoon to get his meaning. He blushes a little, wondering to himself why Kyuhyun is specifically stating that he wants Jongwoon to hug and touch him, and why he could not just say so straightforwardly.

‘I ... see. And...?’

‘I don’t want to be left hanging anymore. Hyung, I ...’ Kyuhyun looks embarrassed again. ‘I meant it, you know. When I said ... saranghae.’ He clears his throat a little. ‘I wish ... I want you to accept me and...’

... love me back, Jongwoon finishes Kyuhyun’s sentence for him in his head.

He eyes the boy beside him contemplatively, taking in the hint of shyness in his eyes and the warm skin under his palm. He is aware of the high colour on his own face; yet he cannot help but also admire Kyuhyun for his boldness and bluntness. Underneath all that is also a sense of gratification and wonder; he is both surprised and mildly flattered – in an embarrassed sort of way – by the many things revealed to him this morning. 

However, there is one more thing...

‘I already know most of what you just told me,’ he begins slowly. ‘To care, to pay attention, to love – I know these basics ... but that brings back the question I asked you before.’

Kyuhyun grows apprehensive, his eyes betraying his realisation of what Jongwoon is about to ask. ‘Which is...’

‘To what extent?’ Jongwoon enunciates, repeating his words from earlier. Kyuhyun’s releases a shaky breath against the side of his palm, but he presses on bluntly, now desperate to clear up this one thing that has been subconsciously bothering him for months, ‘How far does it go? To what extent do you want me to care and give attention to you? How far do you want me to accept you and love you? How much does Kyuhyun, whose behaviour around me go far beyond a normal person’s, want from me?’

There is pin-drop silence. And then –

‘... How much is Jongwoon hyung willing to give me?’

The sudden question takes Jongwoon aback. He gapes at Kyuhyun, wide-eyed.

Kyuhyun slowly intertwines their fingers again, breathing, ‘How much are you giving me right now?’

Jongwoon his dry lips, feeling a hundred different chaotic emotions in his heart at once. ‘I still don’t know ... and I think, as long as I don’t know about you, I won’t know myself...’

Kyuhyun smiles then, a strange glint in his eyes. ‘I told you basically that I want you to treat me as lovingly as you do the others. But ... after all this time, after everything that happened, maybe ... I do want you to love me a bit more.’

The frankness has Jongwoon staring. Kyuhyun continues to smile in that odd way, an almost playful look on his face. ‘Give me some special care sometimes, pay a little extra attention, play a bit more ... spoil me especially ... and,’ his voice deepens a little, ‘maybe, every once in a while, look at me and only me and love me. Like a good hyung spoiling the maknae as he should.’ 

The last sentence is added as if just an afterthought. They gaze at each other without a word. Kyuhyun is still smiling in that impish way, but his dark eyes are serious and intense, and Jongwoon can feel the heavy wake his words have left. There is a far deeper implication behind his carefully chosen playful words; Jongwoon can feel it, hear the weighing meaningfulness behind them. 

Those words are all the answer he can get out of Kyuhyun for now. From the finality of his tone, he can tell that the boy is not ready to delve deeper into that forbidden subject; at least, not right now. However, looking at Kyuhyun, he thinks that he is beginning to understand the boy’s feelings with regards to Jongwoon and what they may mean. It makes his gut clench in a strange way, squeeze his lungs like he cannot breathe – and yet, this newfound vague realisation does not surprise him as deeply as he thinks it should. Perhaps it is something he has known or suspected for a long time, but left dormant and untouched. 

And perhaps it is because he had subconsciously accepted this newfound realisation since long ago – or even nurtured something similar in his heart – that he feels no need to pull away from it now, from Kyuhyun.

Jongwoon at last knows what name to put to that emotion he often sees in Kyuhyun’s dark eyes when he looks at him.

The way he is looking at him right now.

‘Well?’ Kyuhyun asks finally.

The older man lowers his eyes, aware of his blush. Knowing it will be best for now to avoid going deeper into the true feelings behind Kyuhyun’s answers, he mumbles, ‘Wanting more of everything ... selfish bastard.’ But then what he actually said sinks in and his blush deepens; talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

Kyuhyun snickers, probably thinking the same thing as him. ‘At least we know one thing we have in common...’

Jongwoon smiles a little and lets his thumb graze over the boy’s cheek. ‘I have nothing more to say right now other than I apologise again for the past, thank you for listening and giving me the chance in the present, and that I promise things will be different in the future.’

Kyuhyun smiles back. ‘So, I take it that I’ll get what I want in the future?’

‘...Yes. But not just because you want it.’ Because I myself want to give it.

The smile on Kyuhyun’s face broadens, as if he knows what Jongwoon is thinking. ‘Good,’ he whispers and rests their joined hands between them again.

Jongwoon studies the relaxed, peaceful look on Kyuhyun’s face. The first rays of sun must have broken over the Seoul skyline; there is a soft, golden glow to Kyuhyun’s pale skin from the light peaking in through the windows and the happy upturn of his lips is beautiful, sending warmth through Jongwoon’s chest. 

‘Thank you,’ he says softly, ‘for giving me this chance, even after giving up on me...’

Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows. ‘I did come back to you after giving up on you that first time, remember?’

It takes a moment for Jongwoon to recollect how Kyuhyun had approached him again after their dual M4U hosting, so many weeks after Kyuhyun had avoided him like the plague. 

‘Oh. Yeah ... why though? What made you come back?’

The smile is bashful, self-conscious again. ‘You said saranghae ... on your first show. After the phone call.’

Jongwoon’s mouth slackens a bit and Kyuhyun laughs a little embarrassedly. 

‘That was the first time you ... ever. And it was so spontaneous, unplanned. Maybe you didn’t realise what you were saying at the time, I don’t know. But I thought ... maybe it was possibly a glimpse to the real you, the person behind all that coldness. I thought I had a chance after all.

Jongwoon swallows, not knowing what to say (again), but then decides there is no need to. A ray of sunlight steals across the room, lighting up the far wall and highlighting the twinkle in Kyuhyun’s eyes. His hand is warmer than ever against Jongwoon’s.

‘So...’ whispers Kyuhyun, smiling shyly.

‘So,’ Jongwoon repeats, returning the look with a hopeful, uncertain one of his own. ‘Am I forgiven?’

‘I will forgive you ... on one condition.’

‘...What’s that?’

Kyuhyun caresses Jongwoon’s hand once and then lets go, moving to wrap his arm around Jongwoon’s waist. He moves closer, pulling their bodies flush against each other and tangling their feet together. Jongwoon, whose breath had caught in his throat, exhales slowly as Kyuhyun almost buries himself in him. They have been like this only once before on an unforgettable night, but the proximity and the feeling are so familiar they might as well have been like this every night. Jongwoon relaxes into the embrace, smiling, and puts his free arm around Kyuhyun, holding him close.

And then Kyuhyun is pressing his face against Jongwoon’s throat in another memorable gesture, and his warmth breath sends a shiver down Jongwoon’s spine as he whispers, soft lips grazing over the sensitive skin,

‘Stay.’
 

END

A/N: Longish-epilogue-of-sorts will posted later, wrapping up more loose ends ^^