Chapter 30
The Blue of the Sky on Rainy Days
Eunhyuk recognized the psychiatrist from afar. He was waiting for him, arms crossed, wrapped into a long beige coat, on the edge of the forest. He waved at him when he saw him arrive. Very nervous, Eunhyuk barely greeted him.
- “Well, follow me”, the doctor told him as a greeting as he saw his stuffy air and his cheeks that seemed to have been sanded as he had rubbed them so much, “Donghae remained in an isolated place to be sure that no one would see him. It’d be shame if the whole thing was to be discovered, or if people were to start believing in ghosts ...”
And he set off in the autumn wind, without having managed to make the young man, bringing his collar against his neck with his gloved hands to protect himself from the cold.
Eunhyuk followed him without really knowing why. The hope he felt inside him could not find its fly off. He did not know if he believed Dr. Cho, and among the few strange images where he could imagine Donghae living otherwise than in his memory, mingled fragments of these horrible nightmares he often had. He imagined, emerging from behind every tree, killers who threw themselves on him and gashed his face and chest with knives to punish him by other means than justice’s, to take revenge of an almost murder and obtain his eternal silence. This fear grew more tangible as he followed, a few step behind, the psychiatrist who said nothing, whose back was perhaps treacherous, and yet, he continued to advance. Even if it was an ambush Cho Kyuhyun led him to, even if this savior who had appeared out of nowhere was corrupted and had only lied to him to kill him more easily, Eunhyuk did not think about escaping. What would happen to him did not matter after all, he who had seen the first love of his young life, lying, at just eighteen years old, barely having made a shy step out of the blue limbo of childhood, in a coffin.
Dr. Cho stopped walking. Eunhyuk’s heart did not even beat a bit faster than usual as he thought that his existence could stop right there, on the edge of this so isolated and deserted path, deep inside the depths of this red, orange and vermilion forest, undulating in the autumn wind.
- “He’s over there, in the small clearing at the end of this path. I told him to wait there because nobody ever comes here”, the psychiatrist told him.
Eunhyuk took a few moments to recompose the message in his head. In fact, about a hundred meters away, a small figure waited timidly, without daring to move. He had not seen it earlier as he had walked head down to the ground, or eyes scanning the tree trunks. There was something cat like in this little figure who stood waiting on a stump. Eunhyuk waited a little, as stunned. No killers jumped on him. No nets fell from the branches of a linden tree that stretched above him to make him prisoner. He looked at the psychiatrist wrapped in his long coat, as if he could not believe it.
- “Well, follow me”, the doctor told him as a greeting as he saw his stuffy air and his cheeks that seemed to have been sanded as he had rubbed them so much, “Donghae remained in an isolated place to be sure that no one would see him. It’d be shame if the whole thing was to be discovered, or if people were to start believing in ghosts ...”
And he set off in the autumn wind, without having managed to make the young man, bringing his collar against his neck with his gloved hands to protect himself from the cold.
Eunhyuk followed him without really knowing why. The hope he felt inside him could not find its fly off. He did not know if he believed Dr. Cho, and among the few strange images where he could imagine Donghae living otherwise than in his memory, mingled fragments of these horrible nightmares he often had. He imagined, emerging from behind every tree, killers who threw themselves on him and gashed his face and chest with knives to punish him by other means than justice’s, to take revenge of an almost murder and obtain his eternal silence. This fear grew more tangible as he followed, a few step behind, the psychiatrist who said nothing, whose back was perhaps treacherous, and yet, he continued to advance. Even if it was an ambush Cho Kyuhyun led him to, even if this savior who had appeared out of nowhere was corrupted and had only lied to him to kill him more easily, Eunhyuk did not think about escaping. What would happen to him did not matter after all, he who had seen the first love of his young life, lying, at just eighteen years old, barely having made a shy step out of the blue limbo of childhood, in a coffin.
Dr. Cho stopped walking. Eunhyuk’s heart did not even beat a bit faster than usual as he thought that his existence could stop right there, on the edge of this so isolated and deserted path, deep inside the depths of this red, orange and vermilion forest, undulating in the autumn wind.
- “He’s over there, in the small clearing at the end of this path. I told him to wait there because nobody ever comes here”, the psychiatrist told him.
Eunhyuk took a few moments to recompose the message in his head. In fact, about a hundred meters away, a small figure waited timidly, without daring to move. He had not seen it earlier as he had walked head down to the ground, or eyes scanning the tree trunks. There was something cat like in this little figure who stood waiting on a stump. Eunhyuk waited a little, as stunned. No killers jumped on him. No nets fell from the branches of a linden tree that stretched above him to make him prisoner. He looked at the psychiatrist wrapped in his long coat, as if he could not believe it.
- “Come on, he’s impatiently waiting for you, and since long you know”, Dr. Cho, who had no idea that Eunhyuk had thought for a moment that he wanted to kill him, encouraged him.
Eunhyuk swallowed hard. His sensations were starting to return in a less stifled way, as if he was gradually waking up, regaining consciousness of everything around him, or rather as if he was tearing some kind of very narrow tent with a thick cloth saturated with carbon dioxide to finally go out to the open air.
He therefore advanced, very slowly, between the tall trees, on the carpet of red and yellow leaves, until the breakthrough of the clearing. He was conscious of every step he took and began to breathe hard. When he arrived in the clearing, he felt the fall light’s rain softly on his cheeks, pierce his clothes and get to his bones. With wonder, under the soft rain, he saw that the motionless figure who was waiting for him at the end of a path was not a ghost, even if it had the unreality of these things you see against the light; the sun seems to draw a white halo around them, make their outlines almost evanescent. But now that he was so close to him, the mirage did not disappear. It did not disappear. In a gasp of joy, he managed to say:
- “Donghae ...”
Just one more meter. From afar, in the street, he would not have been able to recognize him immediately, because he wore, most probably by prudence, a large and dark sweatshirt, whose hood was pulled down over his face. But he still seemed as fragile in this too big outfit. Under the hood, he saw the little strand that fell into his eyes, his cheeks slightly hollowed, his complexion a bit too pale, and most importantly, a smile, calm but sincere, the smile of those who have already been deeply hurt by life, and shining eyes.
Just one more inch. It was hard to believe, to realize that the breath that exhaled from this mouth was the one of life, that this body in front of him was real, made of flesh and blood, and not the product of his imagination. Feeling him so close, so real, Eunhyuk felt as if his blood ran down from his heart as a cascade, as a rock python, and boiled hard inside his whole body, as if he was flooded with happiness.
- “Oh, Donghae...”
Eunhyuk swallowed hard. His sensations were starting to return in a less stifled way, as if he was gradually waking up, regaining consciousness of everything around him, or rather as if he was tearing some kind of very narrow tent with a thick cloth saturated with carbon dioxide to finally go out to the open air.
He therefore advanced, very slowly, between the tall trees, on the carpet of red and yellow leaves, until the breakthrough of the clearing. He was conscious of every step he took and began to breathe hard. When he arrived in the clearing, he felt the fall light’s rain softly on his cheeks, pierce his clothes and get to his bones. With wonder, under the soft rain, he saw that the motionless figure who was waiting for him at the end of a path was not a ghost, even if it had the unreality of these things you see against the light; the sun seems to draw a white halo around them, make their outlines almost evanescent. But now that he was so close to him, the mirage did not disappear. It did not disappear. In a gasp of joy, he managed to say:
- “Donghae ...”
Just one more meter. From afar, in the street, he would not have been able to recognize him immediately, because he wore, most probably by prudence, a large and dark sweatshirt, whose hood was pulled down over his face. But he still seemed as fragile in this too big outfit. Under the hood, he saw the little strand that fell into his eyes, his cheeks slightly hollowed, his complexion a bit too pale, and most importantly, a smile, calm but sincere, the smile of those who have already been deeply hurt by life, and shining eyes.
Just one more inch. It was hard to believe, to realize that the breath that exhaled from this mouth was the one of life, that this body in front of him was real, made of flesh and blood, and not the product of his imagination. Feeling him so close, so real, Eunhyuk felt as if his blood ran down from his heart as a cascade, as a rock python, and boiled hard inside his whole body, as if he was flooded with happiness.
- “Oh, Donghae...”
He would have wanted to tell him how much he had cried, all his despair, how much he had missed him, but everything agglutinated inside his throat as a sob arrived, and he even struggled to pronounce this name a second time.
Just one more millimeter. He heard Donghae utter a little moan, almost animal, which made his eyelids that grew hazy to shudder. What could be happening in his friend’s heart? Was he as happy as he was? Eunhyuk was literally feeling overwhelmed with emotion, as he had ever been in his life before.
Just one more millimeter. He heard Donghae utter a little moan, almost animal, which made his eyelids that grew hazy to shudder. What could be happening in his friend’s heart? Was he as happy as he was? Eunhyuk was literally feeling overwhelmed with emotion, as he had ever been in his life before.
When his trembling lips finally touched Donghae’s, that he thought would now only kiss earth and were still throbbing with life and a bit chapped, he felt that a tear, that had rolled down one of their two cheeks, he didn’t not know which one, had slipped, fresh and salty in their kiss. It was by the flesh of their lips, on which it rolled, divided, crushed. Like all their kisses, it lasted very long, or it was like some long embroidery, a long series of spluttering light touches, small smiles, nose rubbings, sighs of transport and disbelief. Sometimes, when their mouths parted for a second to let their eyes some time to kiss just as tenderly, they became aware of the soft and golden glow that enveloped them, the one of the dead leaves that lied on the ground and lightly shone with light.
Seeing his precious friend again, hugging him, feeling him alive, it seemed to Eunhyuk that all the lost summer’s warmth came back to him, spread against his heart, that after the most horrible nightmares, he could embrace the warmth of his pillow, relieved to see that what he thought to be reality was just a bad dream, but still troubled by a few traces of anxiety he could no longer release himself from. He felt Donghae who, as he drank their kiss by small sips, bitter as the alcohol which is given to those who lost themselves in the mountains, sweet as the last sip of a cup of tea when sugar flows on one’s tongue, tightly held his back with his fingers, as if he had just stopped his own falling from the edge of a cliff at the last moment. He breathed hard, exhaled as puffs from his throat, to fill his lungs with the new found smell, with their warm embrace.
- “My white flower, my cloud, my heartbeat, my resurrected ...”
In fact, more than seeing Donghae alive again, Eunhyuk felt like he was the one finally tore away from his grave, the one inspired to life again, his cheeks that gained their colors again.
- “I thought about you ... every day, no... All the time, even at night”. Donghae, who had drew his face inside his hood to whisper this confidence, timidly looking up at him in an adorable way, replied in a small voice.
Eunhyuk, hearing this voice again, experienced another overflow of happiness: grabbing him by his upper thighs, he lifted Donghae in the air, and, carrying him in his arms, made him spin with glee in the forest. The trees all around them, with their thin, black trunks and red leaves, turned like a carousel that their breathless laughter replaced its joyful music. Claws planted in his shoulders to keep from falling, legs crossed around his friend’s hips, spine as a bit bristling by vertigo, Donghae uttered small cries of delighted surprise, rubbing his nose against Eunhyuk’s cheeks. It began to rain and the already wet leaves became even more slippery. As a result, it seemed to Eunhyuk that he was skating with happiness as he let himself being swept by his weight, Donghae’s, who mewed like children when you make them flutter around, and speed. They eventually fell to the ground, hugging each other so tight it could break their bones.
***
At the other end of the path, hidden behind a linden tree, Dr. Cho Kyuhyun looked at them toss the leaves with some increasing joy. He thought that this image rewarded him for all his efforts. Donghae as Eunhyuk were out of their zombie costumes, and he could barely recognize them, he who had known them to their worst. He did not know they could contain inside them, inside their exhausted bodies, so much vitality. No need to heal Donghae anymore, he was definitely healed now, in the best possible way. Having found the strength to fight for what he wanted was one of the best lessons one could provide him. Moreover, his patient came running towards him with Eunhyuk , cheeks completely red, face transcended by a pure smile, a smile of pure essence, a masterful line that cracked his face, and which almost gave a shock to doctor Cho who had never even seen his kind of little smirk. He was about to talk, but Eunhyuk jumped into his arms, still running, taking his breath away.
- “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!” he said, letting his voice burst with all its power.
His eyes almost flickered so they shone, finally fully realizing everything he had done for him, for Donghae, without even knowing him, by pure generosity.
He looked at him straight in the eyes then slowly knelt in front of him, putting a knee down after the other on the ground, then resting his forehead against the shiny leaves, hands clasped in front of him, towards the doctor’s feet, in the deepest bow he had ever done in his whole life.
- “Oh my, no need to do this”, said the doctor as he realized what he was doing -he originally thought that he had dropped something to the ground while violently banging against him and was now looking for it-, “stand up, stand up, I beg you.”
Eunhyuk smiled, noticing that he had suddenly started to use familiar form, while Cho Kyuhyun grabbed his elbow to make him stand up and rubbed all the leaves that hung to his clothes.
- “From the bottom of my heart”, Donghae repeated, pulling on his long, beige coat to get his attention, just like a little boy, which in fact was not so strange as his new life had just begun.
***
- “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!” he said, letting his voice burst with all its power.
His eyes almost flickered so they shone, finally fully realizing everything he had done for him, for Donghae, without even knowing him, by pure generosity.
He looked at him straight in the eyes then slowly knelt in front of him, putting a knee down after the other on the ground, then resting his forehead against the shiny leaves, hands clasped in front of him, towards the doctor’s feet, in the deepest bow he had ever done in his whole life.
- “Oh my, no need to do this”, said the doctor as he realized what he was doing -he originally thought that he had dropped something to the ground while violently banging against him and was now looking for it-, “stand up, stand up, I beg you.”
Eunhyuk smiled, noticing that he had suddenly started to use familiar form, while Cho Kyuhyun grabbed his elbow to make him stand up and rubbed all the leaves that hung to his clothes.
- “From the bottom of my heart”, Donghae repeated, pulling on his long, beige coat to get his attention, just like a little boy, which in fact was not so strange as his new life had just begun.
***
Kyuhyun, since he had asked Eunhyuk to call him like this now, then drove him to where Donghae had lived in hiding for a few days, in the apartment of one of his friends near the station. The three of them had run in the rain that had begun to fall thicker and thicker, the doctor protecting himself in the large collar of his coat, and Eunhyuk and Donghae jumping in puddles always deeper as time passed. The rain created small blisters on the sidewalks, entered through the fabric of their clothes, stuck their hair strands and made them become black. The sky above their heads was completely gray and the fluffy clouds looked like stirred yoghurt.
- “Hurry up, we’re almost there”, Kyuhyun told them through the curtain of thin drops as they passed the station.
Eunhyuk looked around him warily, fearing that someone might suddenly appear and, recognizing Donghae, take him away. But fortunately, the area was almost deserted.
In the end, they finally reached the apartment. The label next to the bell indicated Choi Siwon. In front of Eunhyuk’s surprised air who had forgotten he had already mentioned his high school counselor as being one of his friends, the psychiatrist, rubbing his forehead drenched with rain while vigorously wiping his feet on the mat, explained:
- “He gave me the keys, he’s still at work.”
As only answer, Eunhyuk’s stomach dangerously began de grow. He pressed his hands on his stomach to make it shut up, showing a slightly embarrassed smile. Kyuhyun the key into the lock and turned it several times without succeeding to open. Mixed to the metal rattles, a new series of rumbling was heard. Donghae, who had already shown a lot of concern concerning the plaster Eunhyuk had on the nose, and the bandage around his wrist, leaned and pressed an interrogative ear against his stomach to try and understand what caused all this fuss. Eunhyuk his head with a tender smile:
- “Be careful, you're going to get even more wet little Donghae. Oops sorry”, he apologetically added for a new sound that did not come from his throat.
- “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of this, replied the doctor who finally managed to open the door, “and I know some excellent cure against this: ramens!”
It had indeed been several days since Eunhyuk had not eaten anything, and a very long time, since Donghae had mysteriously disappeared actually, that he had not thought about food with pleasure.
- “Oh, you heard that my Donghae, ramens! We're going to fill our tummies!”
- “Hurry up, we’re almost there”, Kyuhyun told them through the curtain of thin drops as they passed the station.
Eunhyuk looked around him warily, fearing that someone might suddenly appear and, recognizing Donghae, take him away. But fortunately, the area was almost deserted.
In the end, they finally reached the apartment. The label next to the bell indicated Choi Siwon. In front of Eunhyuk’s surprised air who had forgotten he had already mentioned his high school counselor as being one of his friends, the psychiatrist, rubbing his forehead drenched with rain while vigorously wiping his feet on the mat, explained:
- “He gave me the keys, he’s still at work.”
As only answer, Eunhyuk’s stomach dangerously began de grow. He pressed his hands on his stomach to make it shut up, showing a slightly embarrassed smile. Kyuhyun the key into the lock and turned it several times without succeeding to open. Mixed to the metal rattles, a new series of rumbling was heard. Donghae, who had already shown a lot of concern concerning the plaster Eunhyuk had on the nose, and the bandage around his wrist, leaned and pressed an interrogative ear against his stomach to try and understand what caused all this fuss. Eunhyuk his head with a tender smile:
- “Be careful, you're going to get even more wet little Donghae. Oops sorry”, he apologetically added for a new sound that did not come from his throat.
- “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of this, replied the doctor who finally managed to open the door, “and I know some excellent cure against this: ramens!”
It had indeed been several days since Eunhyuk had not eaten anything, and a very long time, since Donghae had mysteriously disappeared actually, that he had not thought about food with pleasure.
- “Oh, you heard that my Donghae, ramens! We're going to fill our tummies!”
Cho Kyuhyun therefore abandoned them, after giving them towels to dry themselves a little, to go and get these great little squares of dry noodles. That was all a single man like him could cook. Eunhyuk looked around the room in which Donghae had lived these past days. It seemed very cozy and comfortable after the rain outside. Oddly, he had imagined that there would be a small box in a corner where Donghae would have slept, but of course it was not the case. He shook his head and thought that he should not forget that Donghae was not a real cat. He sat down on the carpet, the sofa as his seatback, with a happy little sigh. Donghae quietly sat beside him, a small drop sliding down his nose. Eunhyuk vigorously rubbed his head with the towel and then put it behind his neck so he would not catch a cold. His friend looked at him with a silly and happy smile, while the smell of food began to emanate from the kitchen. He took him against himself to cuddle and snuggle in the sofa’s plaid, while the rain rang on the tiles and the roof, and ran down the gutters and sidewalks. His little and regular caresses on his arm, as you lavish without even thinking about it to those who live in your upmost intimacy, seemed delightful to Donghae who nobody had ever wanted to hold. When Kyuhyun came back with two large, steaming bowls, he found him almost asleep and purring against Eunhyuk’s shoulder.
- “My Donghae?” Eunhyuk whispered to him. “My Donghae, you need to open your eyes, “I’m hungry as a horse.”
Seeing them devour their pasta, Dr. Cho noted that he had been far from reality when he had tried to imagine the two young boys’ relationship. He thought that Donghae had exaggerated things a lot by telling him how Eunhyuk was important to him, and that he only thought so simply because he was his first friend. He did not know if Eunhyuk was really in love with him with as much purity as Donghae said, and when he had seen him at the police station, with his surly air, he would never have suspected him to be capable of such tenderness. But the young man did perfectly well with his little patient, showing patience and using of perfectly proportioned authority. Laughing, he wiped Donghae’s cheeks with a paper napkin, latter who dirtied everywhere while up his pastas, and who entertained himself by stealing pieces of meat in his bowl to annoy him. With him, Donghae accepted everything that would have plunged him into panic or misunderstanding coming from any other. He lapped the remaining stock in his bowl, looking at Eunhyuk from the corner of his eye to be sure he would no shove his nose in it.
- “Thank you sir, it was very good”, the young high school student said, tearing the doctor away from his meditation.
- “Ah ... I'm delighted. Do you want more?”
- “Look ‘Nyuk, my belly is bloated, it’s going to burst!” Donghae exclaimed with fear.
- “Of course not, silly, it's just stock that bloat your stomach. Here look, lie down; I’ll give you a magic massage.”
Donghae obeyed without any more coaxing, he had quite liked the word “magic”, curious as to what his friend was going to do. He lay on the carpet, legs stretched out under the coffee table where they had eaten. Eunhyuk lifted his sweatshirt to reveal the tight white t-shirt that covered his stomach. Indeed, his stomach made like a little bump, a little lazy hill, because it had been very long since he had not eaten this much. Eunhyuk gently placed the palm of his hand over it and felt his hot and tense skin through the fabric. With a smile, yet again, he leaned forward and kissed the plump belly, not daring to rest his head over it, fearing it would disturb his friend’s digestion.
- “You already feel better, huh, little rascal?”
- “Yes my ‘Nyuk, because you take good care of me.”
Dr. Kyuhyun could hardly believe his eyes as he saw them so transfigured and so quickly recovered, and most importantly, feeling so at ease in front of his eyes. Somehow, it made him happy to see that they seemed to trust him completely.
Seeing them devour their pasta, Dr. Cho noted that he had been far from reality when he had tried to imagine the two young boys’ relationship. He thought that Donghae had exaggerated things a lot by telling him how Eunhyuk was important to him, and that he only thought so simply because he was his first friend. He did not know if Eunhyuk was really in love with him with as much purity as Donghae said, and when he had seen him at the police station, with his surly air, he would never have suspected him to be capable of such tenderness. But the young man did perfectly well with his little patient, showing patience and using of perfectly proportioned authority. Laughing, he wiped Donghae’s cheeks with a paper napkin, latter who dirtied everywhere while up his pastas, and who entertained himself by stealing pieces of meat in his bowl to annoy him. With him, Donghae accepted everything that would have plunged him into panic or misunderstanding coming from any other. He lapped the remaining stock in his bowl, looking at Eunhyuk from the corner of his eye to be sure he would no shove his nose in it.
- “Thank you sir, it was very good”, the young high school student said, tearing the doctor away from his meditation.
- “Ah ... I'm delighted. Do you want more?”
- “Look ‘Nyuk, my belly is bloated, it’s going to burst!” Donghae exclaimed with fear.
- “Of course not, silly, it's just stock that bloat your stomach. Here look, lie down; I’ll give you a magic massage.”
Donghae obeyed without any more coaxing, he had quite liked the word “magic”, curious as to what his friend was going to do. He lay on the carpet, legs stretched out under the coffee table where they had eaten. Eunhyuk lifted his sweatshirt to reveal the tight white t-shirt that covered his stomach. Indeed, his stomach made like a little bump, a little lazy hill, because it had been very long since he had not eaten this much. Eunhyuk gently placed the palm of his hand over it and felt his hot and tense skin through the fabric. With a smile, yet again, he leaned forward and kissed the plump belly, not daring to rest his head over it, fearing it would disturb his friend’s digestion.
- “You already feel better, huh, little rascal?”
- “Yes my ‘Nyuk, because you take good care of me.”
Dr. Kyuhyun could hardly believe his eyes as he saw them so transfigured and so quickly recovered, and most importantly, feeling so at ease in front of his eyes. Somehow, it made him happy to see that they seemed to trust him completely.
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