Chapter 19
The Blue of the Sky on Rainy Days
The discovery Eunhyuk had just made was like a small revolution. New ideas, new perspectives, began to trot in his mind. He did not know if he wanted it or not. He felt so good with him... but would it not ruin everything? It was not as if his senses prior compared to his feelings, but he could not help but feel a vague, sweet and soft desire. His eyes were still lost up to heavens and he ran his hand over his chest, as if the beating of his heart caressed his palm. He was feeling very strange, as if he was evaporating from the inside, and when he closed his eyes, it was as if he felt Donghae's lips against his. The extent of his perturbation astonished him. It was like being talked to in a foreign language. It was not so much Donghae’s body that plunged him into this feverish state than the idea of owning him. He wanted him to love him even more, and thinking this frightened him. He did not want to do anything that would not seem natural for both of them. And he looked at the so white clouds, throat throbbing.
- "Eunhyuk, does past perfect affect you that much? Or are you totally thinking about something else?"
His eyelashes barely veiled his dreamy eyes when he looked down, noticing that his teacher talked to him. He did not know what he had told him and he did not have the strength to use his short-term memory, the hazy that was turning his cheeks pink slipped inside his mind like white sand. I could wait years if necessary, he murmured to himself as Eeteuk threw him out, as long as I can hold him in my arms.
However, even though he was set on this point, his mind could not focus on anything else. He ran his hand on his burning forehead, thinking that a bit of fresh water would do him good. He almost felt as if he had taken drugs or drank beer in the sun. As if the gaseous and a slightly nauseating alcohol had replaced his blood. As he walked, he bumped into someone in the hallway, not even having noticed a figure coming toward him.
- "Are you okay?" A handsome young man inquired, resting his hand on his shoulder. "You look out of it."
The young and dashing guidance counselor picked up a few flyers that the shock had made him drop, and led him to his office to offer him a glass of water.
- "Eunhyuk, does past perfect affect you that much? Or are you totally thinking about something else?"
His eyelashes barely veiled his dreamy eyes when he looked down, noticing that his teacher talked to him. He did not know what he had told him and he did not have the strength to use his short-term memory, the hazy that was turning his cheeks pink slipped inside his mind like white sand. I could wait years if necessary, he murmured to himself as Eeteuk threw him out, as long as I can hold him in my arms.
However, even though he was set on this point, his mind could not focus on anything else. He ran his hand on his burning forehead, thinking that a bit of fresh water would do him good. He almost felt as if he had taken drugs or drank beer in the sun. As if the gaseous and a slightly nauseating alcohol had replaced his blood. As he walked, he bumped into someone in the hallway, not even having noticed a figure coming toward him.
- "Are you okay?" A handsome young man inquired, resting his hand on his shoulder. "You look out of it."
The young and dashing guidance counselor picked up a few flyers that the shock had made him drop, and led him to his office to offer him a glass of water.
- "Are you sick? Were you going to the infirmary?"
- "No", the high school student said as his mind gradually cleared; "I’ve got thrown out of English class."
- "Really? I thought this kind of stuff didn’t happen to you anymore yet."
- "I was so concerned about an issue that I couldn’t follow", he replied, staring at a glass clipboard.
- "What bothers you this much? You can tell me, it's my job you know. I had the revelation one Thursday afternoon because ... Well, I’m not the one who should talk, he added just in time."
- "I don’t know if you can really help me ..." Eunhyuk replied with a slightly embarrassed laugh.
- "Hmm... Must be a love story seeing your face. Your cheeks are red!" He proudly pointed out, which embarrassed Eunhyuk even more but also made him want to talk.
- "Well... I'm in love... with a girl."
- "Very original", Siwon joked to help him relax. "I, when I was in seminary... Oh no, sorry, please continue."
- "No", the high school student said as his mind gradually cleared; "I’ve got thrown out of English class."
- "Really? I thought this kind of stuff didn’t happen to you anymore yet."
- "I was so concerned about an issue that I couldn’t follow", he replied, staring at a glass clipboard.
- "What bothers you this much? You can tell me, it's my job you know. I had the revelation one Thursday afternoon because ... Well, I’m not the one who should talk, he added just in time."
- "I don’t know if you can really help me ..." Eunhyuk replied with a slightly embarrassed laugh.
- "Hmm... Must be a love story seeing your face. Your cheeks are red!" He proudly pointed out, which embarrassed Eunhyuk even more but also made him want to talk.
- "Well... I'm in love... with a girl."
- "Very original", Siwon joked to help him relax. "I, when I was in seminary... Oh no, sorry, please continue."
Eunhyuk thought he could talk more freely doing this little lie, because he did not want to end up telling everything to the counselor, thus risking to create a disaster. Better beware and careful.
- "I think she also loves me. When we kiss, she behaves like a kitten. But ... concerning ... going further ... um ... she doesn’t seem really ready. Actually no, it's not really that. Let's say she’s very shy and doesn’t know much about it ... The truth is that I'm afraid she might start panicking the first time ..."
- "Panicking?"
- "This kind of things... I think she’s never really thought about it... She’s not prepared, and I'm afraid of hurting her."
- "In my opinion you’re going a bit too far on the girl’s innocence. I can conceive she’s shy, but hey, ual life is natural for all human beings. If you really love each other, everything will be fine."
Eunhyuk wanted to answer: Thank you, you’re really helping me, but he could not tell that he was in love with a vaguely autistic guy and that the possibility of him having a panic attack at the crucial moment was not just a figurative way of speaking. Donghae did not seem to hold a single concept regarding ism or sensuality, and Eunhyuk was having a hard time imagining explaining it to him.
- "Yes we love each other... but it's not that simple."
- "Trust me, when the time comes, you’ll find it absolutely obvious. You guys just both need to be ready. In any case..."
Siwon dug into one of his large drawers for a moment before gloriously taking out, with a satisfied tada, a small blue aluminum square package. Written on it with navy colored letters, Eunhyuk, despite his limited English knowledge, managed to decipher .
- "It's ugly", he said, staring at the small object on his palm.
- "Yes, but it’s essential young man. Health has no price you know. And I wish you good luck."
***
Eventually Saturday arrived, and Eunhyuk remembered in extremis at 15:30 he had promised a date to Yoo Ra. He managed to catch a bus, and only arrived five minutes late. A beautiful smile excused him.
- "Let’s go to the botanical garden", the girl decided as she grabbed his arm.
- "Let’s go to the botanical garden", the girl decided as she grabbed his arm.
She was particularly pretty that day, but Eunhyuk did not notice it. Her hair fell in delicious honey-colored curls on her shoulders, barely restrained by a small hair clip decorated with diamonds. Her eyes had green make up, both deep and light, and balm gave her smile a pastel color. Her beauty was not known for nothing, and yet, Eunhyuk was now walking beside her, hands in pockets, as he used to do with his friends.
- "It’s a beautiful place isn’t it", she said, pointing her chin towards green palms in the small garden.
- "Yeah", replied the young man, playing with a pebble.
- "You still don’t talk to Heechul?"
- "No, not a word."
- "You know, the bruise’s just starting to fade ..."
- "He’s the one who asked you to talk to me? He can come himself, I won’t hit him if he remains polite, he has my word."
- "No, no, I wanted to see you. I missed you", she said in a softer voice, grabbing his arm again to walk around a small pool.
- "Yoo Ra ... we need to talk ... we..."
- "Yeah, it hasn’t been easy lately ... But we can make a fresh start."
- "If you say so. The thing is that..."
- "I didn’t really understand what was happening in your life recently, but I'm sure there's a good explanation, and I'm here for you Eunhyuk."
- "Exactly, in fact..."
- "I can help you regain the life you had before, your friends, your nights out, your popularity, everything you've lost."
- "But Yoo Ra, I ..."
- "Shh", she said while pressing a finger on his mouth. "Trust me Eunhyuk, I will."
He could smell her hair up to his nostrils.
- "But I don’t really want that", he finally managed to say, gently pushing her away.
- "Eunhyuk! Let me save you!" She said, clinging to his neck.
Seeing that he remained motionless to her speech, she took her courage in both hands and slammed against his. This contact did not last more than a second. Eunhyuk pushed her away again, thought a bit more violently this time, keeping her away by holding her shoulders.
- "I can’t. I'm sorry Yoo Ra; we can’t have this kind of relationship if that's what you were hoping for..."
- "Why? It’s not as if anything never happened between us. I think I have the right to have an explanation."
- "I ... you're beautiful, and you're nice Yoo Ra, but I can’t force myself. It's just that I'm not in love with you; I prefer to tell you this honestly, right now."
- "So why did we kiss?"
- "I don’t know ... I don’t remember. I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I can’t continue. Couldn’t we rather see each other as good friends?"
- "You have someone else, isn’t it?" She asked in a trembling voice.
- "Why? It’s not as if anything never happened between us. I think I have the right to have an explanation."
- "I ... you're beautiful, and you're nice Yoo Ra, but I can’t force myself. It's just that I'm not in love with you; I prefer to tell you this honestly, right now."
- "So why did we kiss?"
- "I don’t know ... I don’t remember. I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I can’t continue. Couldn’t we rather see each other as good friends?"
- "You have someone else, isn’t it?" She asked in a trembling voice.
Eunhyuk did not answer, but his silence rang as a sufficiently clear confession in the girl’s ears. Some tears began to form in hers eyes.
- "It’s the guy from the Olympiads, this Donghae, isn’t it?"
He wondered, his heart suddenly rising in his chest at the mention of that name he alone murmured, how she had guessed since she had only seen him once. This time too, the words remained stuck in his throat. He was suddenly afraid.
- "I'll make you change your mind!" Yoo Ra went on all over again. "You mustn’t sacrifice yourself for this. Everyone can have a youthful indiscretion you know, wanting to experiment things, but you can have a second chance!"
- "I love him", he simply replied. "I don’t know how it happened but it's like that, I can’t help it. I'm sorry Yoo Ra."
- "Huh? How can you prefer this mental over me?" She started to shout, barely managing to hide her tears behind her long and slender fingers. "Did you think about what your parents would say? The pain you’re gonna inflict to your mother? At how people will look at you at school? It’ll be even worse than now! And in the hospital? Do you think they’ll let you play 'Little House on the Prairie' quietly?"
- "I don’t care. I can endure everything for him."
Yoo Ra looked at him straight in the eye through her tears and saw he was telling the truth. He had put his hands back in his pockets and stood upright on his legs. There was no more compassion for her in his eyes since she had used the word mental. She felt her heart tear apart and a salty and burning stream flowing down her cheeks. The sound of the slap she gave Eunhyuk echoed in the small garden. She ran away, looking disrupted, spreading her tears of rage to the wind.
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