(PLEASEREAD ME FIRST) A/N : Since I am worried that the readers would be confused with the arrangement of events, I'd like to notify that : The first part of this chapter is the continuation of what had taken place after Lee Sung Jong's sudden disappearance (it is recommended for you to refer to the previous chapter). The second part that follows is a flashback of the conversation that had taken place between Lee Ho Won and Lee Sung Jong (please refer to the previous chapter). 

CHAPTER 8 : To Love What One Shouldn’t

◊Goryeo Empire, 1034

        “Let go of me!” Lee Sung Jong stammers as his eyes shoot back and forth between the tight white fist of the 10^th Goryeo’s emperor, wrapped securely around his own wrist and the two locked mahogany doors. He hadn’t expected such harsh action to be taken by Hwang Myung on himself but whatever it is, it is happening and the young man has no idea how to react to this situation. Because approximately 10 seconds ago, Lee Sung Jong felt safe and sound. He was together with his subordinates and their arms were around him, sharing him their warmth and comfort, and their endless worries of losing him, permanently. He knows he is in the room of the man dominating his heart, and he could feel the man’s presence a few meters away but all that matters at that very moment was his subordinates and himself.

That was when he let his guard down and it all happened.

In a bat of an eyelash, Hwang Myung was already in the confines of the chamber and already has instructed Sung Jong’s appointed maidens and knight to leave the room with an excuse of having an important matter to discuss with Sung Jong.

Swatting the emperor’s hand from his wrist, Sung Jong quickly turns away and pulls a wooden stool near. “Here… have a seat… Hwang Myung. I’ll make some tea for you so just wait over there and I’ll---”

Sung Jong was about to leave the chamber and get himself some fresh air to breathe in when Hwang Myung’s cold, monotonous voice slashed through the thick uncomfortable air like those of lasers, “Drop the act and just stay here.”

Sung Jong stops dead in his tracks and turns to see the elder man expressionless with his arms crossed over his chest.

Oh mother of kimchi. This can’t possibly be good.

“Then… would you like to have some delicacies?”

“Where were you and what have you been doing out of the palace for nearly 7 hours?”

“I…”

“Why haven’t you informed any of the palace maidens?”
“That’s because…”

“Why was your knight not with you?”
“I... Just… It’s personal, you see…”
“Personal? If you’re not spitting out anything that I would confirm as solid information, I would not hesitate to punish your irresponsible maidens and knight.”

As quick as acid could corrode those of solid, the air stung and filled Sung Jong’s lungs and nostrils with pain and negativity. If anything, whatever that occurred to him that afternoon should never be pointed in the direction of Noh Yi Young, Oh Hye Rin and Vice General Dong Woo but to himself. He let his guard down too much even during the wrong times and place. Be it in South Korea and Goryeo. His lived his life harsh yet he it all up as though everything is dandy when nothing is tolerable.  

“That’s going overboard, don’t you think!? Shouldn’t you look into matters properly before finally executing? You’re Goryeo’s emperor!”

Hwang Myung slams his hand down to the wooden table and shakes his head, “Be in my shoes, Lee Sung Jong. Any interrogator would have said and done what I did if my prey is misbehaving and did the unthinkable. You, of all people, did the unthinkable. Instead of being ignorant, cooperate with me and tell me what in the world were you doing within the 7 hours you weren’t under my control.”

Sung Jong clenches his fists and raises his voice, “Under your control? Aren’t I human enough to work under your wings? Am I that low because this isn’t funny anymore.”

“This was never amusing to begin with. But you hiding your external activities… is amusing. Any honest man with no ulterior motive would have straight-forwardly cleared the misunderstandings with no hesitation.”

“What---”

“In your case, Lee Sung Jong, you are not quite honest nor do you have the ability to hide your deception. It’s that obvious.”

As though an angry painter had splattered red paint across a masterpiece, red was the color of Sung Jong’s skin at that very moment.

Am I that untrustworthy? Have I always been deceptive in his eyes? Was I really just a measly substitute after all?

“You bastard!” Sung Jong cups his eyes with his sweaty palms as he turns away from the emperor’s peripheral view. “You bastard… You son of a---”

As though the latter is a rag doll, the emperor grimly grabs Lee Sung Jong by his color and proceeds to the young man onto the nearest wall. Drilling deep, meaningful gazes into bright brown orbs while clenching his jaw and pressing his forehead with the latter’s. It scares Sung Jong but in order to convey his true feelings and make them understood by this teenager that he can’t help but be obsessed with, any ugly method would do the trick. Anything. He has to get Lee Sung to know of his feelings.

I’m trying to fix things, Lee Sung Jong. Work with me here.

“What… What are you doing!? It hurts, alright? It hurts like hell!” Sung Jong tries to pry free from the emperor’s touch but to no avail, could only find himself writhing helplessly. He searched his mind through and through but he could not find a reasonable reason for the emperor to punish him or react this way. He knows well that he doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment nor does the emperor has the rights to. He feels tired and the last thing he needs is the emperor’s wrath and misunderstandings.

“Lee Sung Jong. I just need to confirm something…”

“Shut up! I don’t need to take this from you anymore…”

“Just listen…”

“I said let me go!” Unexpectedly, his arms that he threw about in his attempt to escape has caused his nail to cut a prominent line on the emperor’s chin. Sung Jong’s eyes widen in surprise as he witnesses the blood slowly trickle down to the emperor’s fair bare throat. Yet, without sparing a moment of regret, Sung Jong skillfully unlatches the emperor’s hands off from his wrists and escape. But only finds himself planted to the ground in the next second when the emperor had already wrapped sturdy arms around Sung Jong in a back hug. Sung Jong continuously struggles but as the latter began to give into his unfortunate position as victim, every touch and move made the elder softens by the second and became as gentle as rough rocks could possibly manage.

When it was finally silent, the emperor sighs and speaks as he gently buries his face in the crane of Sung Jong’s neck, “You… You… I was gravely worried… I was worried about you that it made me sick… So sick that I thought I could never live another day to see this chamber without you…”

“Wh-What?” The word croaks out from Sung Jong’s throat, “Why would you…”

“Because I have never seen you as just my dear subordinate and losing you was the last thing I wanted…”

Lee Sung Jong’s eyes widen and his breath begins to hitch.

What is this feeling? Why am I feeling sweaty? Why do I… want to touch him so badly?

His heart races and he could feel his knees becoming weak yet the strength and force applied by the emperor to Sung Jong’s petite body holds him upright on the ground and prevents him from falling or swaying. He could nearly feel his body breaking internally and externally.

“But I AM! So just let me go! You’re giving me false hope again and I hate it!”

With anger gradually building up inside the emperor’s chest, he unlatches his hold and pivots the young man around to face him so as to have his eyes exposed and clash with those of brown orbs.

“You might never see me as the man you knew me for but this is how I feel and I have always wanted you, Lee Sung Jong,” Sung Jong stares at the fascinating stoic man standing before him with tears forming in his eyes, “Do you get it now… I’m tired of waiting by the sidelines only to be worried about your future absence… I’ve always wanted to hold you like this. Why have you not realized a damn?”

He could not believe the words he hears but the things he witnesses now tells him truth.

Hwang Myung, why would you cry for a person like me?

The emperor has Sung Jong’s waist wrapped in one arm and the other is lifted with his palm on one of Sung Jong’s blushing cheeks and a thumb gently caressing and wiping off a tear.

He hushes, “Don’t cry, my love.”

“Don’t tell me that, don’t call me that…”

“But I can’t help myself. I can’t see you crying nor could I stand seeing you happy. Because all these faces you show to the world aren’t mines and I can’t be assured that you won’t be taken by others one day…” The emperor cracks a gentle dimpled smile, “They could take away my authority but I would not tolerate it if they take my subordinates away. Let it be fate or living. And you… You must always stay…” 

Confused and bewildered, Sung Jong could only listen attentively as the man standing before him bares out his worries and frustration. The idea itself is fascinating. This, by itself has reflects the expectations and responsibilities heaved upon the shoulders of a man wheeling the gears of a country. A man sick of limitations but nevertheless, lives the life of a puppet whether he fancies it or not.

But this is all just too good to be true…

“Therefore…” The emperor lifts Sung Jong into his sturdy arms and walks over to the bed, “From now on, I’ll have to have my eyes on you on a smaller scale.”

“What the--?! Hey! This is not what you meant is it?”

“Listen now, Lee Sung Jong, from this day forth, you are to share the same bed as I do. If you don’t, even for a night, it would suggest that you have ill feelings for me and that as punishment, you shall spend three nights in the Gyeongbokgung cells. Do I make myself clear?”

While ignoring the younger man’s whines and complaints, the 10^th Goryeo’s stoic leader gently prop Sung Jong into the silk blankets and slide in beside the smaller figure.

“This is irrational! I have not bathed!” 
“It is fine, Lee Sung Jong. I have known that you have stayed up in your work room without food and bath before. Surely you could survive this. Even if this is the case, you are not yet confirmed as innocent and spotless from committing any sort of crime within the 7 hours you have been gone.”

With that said, the elder props himself onto one arm and pulls Lee Sung Jong into his embrace with his free half. As the night grows old, Hwang Myung finally lapse into sleep but leaving a frustrated and an unsatisfied Lee Sung Jong in his wake. The young tailor who is too self-conscious, is evidently too lethargic to pry free even when his captor is clearly dozing off. Instead, he carefully digests the new information he has obtained since now that his unrequited love doesn’t seem to be unrequited after all.

The emperor does love him.

What about Miss Song Hye Gyo?

Deciding not to delve too deep into the matter and end up tearing his heart open for the umpteenth time, Sung Jong sighs as he peers up to have a peek at the emperor. Undoubtedly, the elder is already fast asleep.

I hope the creases between his brows will disappear tomorrow. I hope the dark circles will be gone for good, too. Oh, now that I’ve realized it, isn’t this the first time seeing him after such a long time? Wow. He’s gotten thinner, too. Man, what in the world have you been doing, Your Royal Highness?

Chuckling while snuggling into the emperor’s warm embrace, Lee Sung Jong enables the soft whispers of sleep to sweep him off his feet and fly him off far amongst the wispy mountains of the great Goryeo where comfort surrounds his every pore.  

◊

“A flash light? I am very well aware of that,” The man chuckles, “Sit down and I shall give you answers.”

Sung Jong only glances at the straw mat before he finally shoots the man a suspicious look, “This could not be possible.”

“Well it is, in my case.”

“Couldn’t it just mean that---”

“I’ll just be frank with you since you are such a slowpoke. I’m a shaman. A capable shaman who has worked years with China’s royal family. Even till this day.”

Shocked by the sudden revelation, Lee Sung Jong clenches his right fist tight to his chest and stands up, “Then I shall make haste. I have no business with a peculiar man who feeds off filthy money paid by the hands of cruelty. Goodb---”

Before he was able to make further progress to the sliding doors, Lee Ho Won takes hold of Sung Jong’s thin wrist and swung him back to the floor. Causing the teenager to stumble back to his original spot while scraping his arms. “You have got to be kidding me! What else do you want!?”

“I didn’t expect a subordinate of the Goryeo emperor to be so pathetic not to mention childish.”

“Shut your trap. I was brought here against my will. So I’d appreciate it if you could let me off properly, too,” Sung Jong hisses.

The younger man’s reaction amuses him but clearly, there are much important matters to tend to, “The one who should sit down obediently and listen attentively is you, Lee Sung Jong. I hold the answers to your unexpected time travel to Goryeo. Which same goes for your exit. Even if you tried, there really has not been any conclusion to your resolution. You really do wish to have your old life back on track, don’t you?”

Just at that very moment, the said shaman has finally caught on to Lee Sung Jong’s interest and attention. Even when the younger man quickly averted his gaze, to Lee Ho Won it is already much more clearer now that the unexpected time traveler would want nothing more but to return to where he used to be. South Korea.

“It seems that your relationship with the emperor has gotten worse recently, don’t you think that this is the opportunity for you to make a run for it and leave with a clean slate?”

Sung Jong remains silent as the words circulate within his mind. Everything seems so tempting.

Leaving with a clean slate…

“Putting that aside, how will I know that you are not tricking me? I may seem naïve but I’ve been through enough to distinguish between liars and honest people. You are quite ambiguous yourself.”

Lee Ho Won only manages to stifle a soft snicker that finally develops into roars of laughter. Amusing or not, Lee Sung Jong has no idea.

“Well listen now, kid. I’m genuinely helpful by nature. I would never do things blindly and carelessly. I only do things that benefit me and be of good use to myself. In this context, I do admit that I took this decision for the personal reasons that I posses. Now, as you could see, I am interested to assist you on your escape but I would need your full commitment for my plans to work. Interested or not, I’ll let you know the consequences that you should be expecting to face if you oppose to leave : you might never be able to return to South Korea.”

Finally zeroing his full attention to the said shaman who has been observing his reactions, Sung Jong gulps back the lump in his throat that he has never knew existed ever since the negotiator mentioned ‘time traveling’. His reactions may be weak, but the effects are concrete and full of impact. Because in Lee Sung Jong’s mind, ‘leaving Goryeo’ has always been seen as ‘impossible’ and ‘would never occur’ even in a thousand years. He would love to leave. But he never expected that everything would end so soon.

Too soon.

“I…”

“Well, there’s no rush, now is there? It’s not like there’s anything much vital left of your current life in South Korea. Sure, you’re an outstanding student but your future as a renowned designer is still as viscous as mud. Leaving it wouldn’t be so bad, would it?”

Sung Jong nervously averts his gaze and shrugs his shoulders helplessly in response, “I’d like to leave but…”

Thinking that it was finally time to stop beating around the bush violently, Ho Won ruffles the latter’s head and chuckles, “So I see that you do have strings attached here and there. It might take a whole lot of time and pain to sever them one by one, but moving on with no regrets is the highest form of delight when it comes to dilemmas… But you need to get this job done and over with. I can’t hang around you for too long either. I might get caught.”

“But…”

“No one could reverse, pause nor fast forward time. Those who have just the right amount wishes to end it while those who have so little beg to lengthen it. It’s a rather meticulous job, if I must say so. Thus, in exchange for your return, memories of you will be cut, deleted, erased and wiped out, clean.”

The latter’s eyes widen in shock.

I’ll be forgotten after all? After all this while?

With a sturdy tone, the shaman rambles on though his victim has clearly reached his limit in the patience department, “That is why it is important to end it well from the beginning. They may have it good for waking up and restart afresh but you will taste the bitter end of it. So take my advice and think things over. I’ll come and see you again soon. Till then.” 
Ah. Wait! I still have questions I need to ask---

As if from thin air, darkness rose from the soiled straw mats in the dimly lit room and began to envelope each patch of skin available on Lee Sung Jong’s figure. Gradually, the bewildered young man sinks deeper amongst the straw mats and finally disappears out of plain sight.

◊

The day was nearly noon when Lee Sung Jong abruptly woken up in shivers and cold sweat. Though Lee Sung Jong has encountered numerous nightmares in the past few days, dreams involving Lee Ho Won, China’s infamous shaman, never had occurred before. Even if it may be nothing less than a mere nightmare, to the latter, it seemed more of a reminder.

Impatient and anxious to get back to his normal state, Sung Jong hastily wandered out of the chamber and to the Chwihyanggyo, leaving the emperor slumbering on his own with an unoccupied space by his side.

I’ll be right back…

Sung Jong climbs up the stone steps and finally reached the fragrant bridge that leads to the beautiful pavilion, Hyangwonjeon. He touches the soft surface of the bridge’s wood and inhales the fragrance emitted by the various flowers blooming amongst him. Just then, memories of the time he had spend such an intimate moment with the emperor. They were playing the gayageum. They were touching. And the emperor had been gentle. It was days ago. But the scene plays itself clearly in Sung Jong’s mind like as though he is the one sitting amongst the other audience in a theater.

To think that there is a high possibility that Hwang Myung Jong will never remember the man he once taught the ways to play the gayageum with his own bare hands.

“Sung Jong?”

Ah, speak of the devil.

“Your Highness…” Sung Jong mutters.

The emperor smiles as he approaches the younger man and interlaces his long, out-stretched fingers with those of softer and fairer skin, “Stop disappearing from me…”

“Silly! I just went to get some fresh air. See?” Sung Jong quickly inhales and exhales bulks of fresh air with a broad smile, “I’m right here. So don’t worry.”

The emperor watches on confusedly but manages to chuckles, “You have never failed to amuse me with your overreaction, Lee Sung Jong. That is why I have always been curious of you.”

Finally snapping his attention back to reality, Sung Jong mumbles under his breath but was loud enough for the elder man to make out the words, “Even if that is the case, Your Highness, I’m not… who you see me as, am I?”

The emperor scans the latter’s face while plastering on a confused expression. His mouth quavers, “What do you mean by that?”

Sung Jong takes a moment to bite his lower lip before finally forcing the words out, “I heard it from the other palace occupants… that I have the same appearances as your deceased first wife… I mean, Miss Song Hye Gyo.”

There was a moment of silence and Sung Jong quickly glanced up to the see Hwang Myung’s reaction. Surprisingly, the emperor was only sighing, “Are you telling me that your change of behavior is caused by this very reason? That you are identical to Miss Song Hye Gyo?”

Nervousness filled the latter’s system but he is not ready to back down just yet. He needs answers and answers are what he will get.

Sung Jong shoots his eyes down to the floor and nods, “Wouldn’t that sums up to something? I’m just… a substitute, aren’t I? Rumors had it that---”

As fast as lightning, the latter was already locked into the emperor’s embrace. The emperor is too close for comfort and Sung Jong could feel the emperor’s hot breath staining his ears with the color of bright red.

“What are you do---”

“You are not a substitute, Lee Sung Jong,” The emperor breaths.

“What…? But…  Liar! Everyone said that you loved her too much that you refused to accept any other woman to be your wife! Doesn’t that say a lot?”

“What part of this don’t you understand?! I told you that I want you and nothing else matters. She may have been my first wife but I have not developed feelings for her during the time of our marriage. ”       

Sung Jong pauses, “What do you mean by that?”
“I was absorbed in my occupation as emperor that I never had time for courting, let alone marriage. Thus, one of the ministers offered one of his daughters to be my wife and I immediately agreed because I cared less as long as it doesn’t bring damage to my country… And in the first place, we never had feelings for each other nor had I seen her face, Lee Sung Jong.” Sung Jong’s eyes widen in surprise as the emperor lets out a heavy sigh, “She was strict on her part, too. In the end, we only exchanged letters everyday. I may have not fallen for her but I saw her as a respected, independent woman who became a dear friend to me. When she was found dead at her own residence, it frightened me. It frightened me that even I, as emperor could not protect a fragile, dear friend from being harmed,” There is a sudden pause but the emperor continues, “I figured how troublesome and depressing it would be for me to repeat another lifelong regret such as that for the second time. Since then on… I decided to decline any sort of marriage proposals till the right time comes. When the right time comes, I’ll be prepared to stake out my life for my lover,” Sung Jong only keeps silent and gazes at the emperor as the elder man slowly smiles, a very sorrowful smile, “Then you came along…”

Sung Jong rubs the bottom of his nose as he slowly takes in the information, “I see… You’re such a patient man.”

“Is that a compliment?”

“Yes. I read a little about you and it seems that you were only 17 when you wedded your wife. Aren’t you 27 now?”

Hwang Myung only chuckles and nods as he gently takes the latter’s hand into his and plant soft kisses onto each finger, “The wait was worth the while and… I want you to call my name.”

“Won’t that be disrespectful after all?”

“Aren’t you mine now?”

“I see… Then, Myungsoo?”

Sung Jong silently watches as a serene dimpled smile forms on the emperor’s lips. 

Aren't I bound to hurt him more?

◊

A/N : Thank you for reading chapter 8! I've been very busy for the past few weeks but now that I am finally free, I am able to update this series. First of all, I'd like to thank my dedicated Beta-nim, lovedovey_ky for her endless effort and helpful opinions on each chapter. My gratitude will always be endless! Secondly, I'd like to thank my subscribers for being faithful (lol) to this series and didn't abandone it due to my slow pace. Thank you~ :)