Techno music drummed through the speakers; its’ heavy beats resounded in the air and upon the dance floor as if it had a life of its’ own. Sweat dripped and slithered down the hot skin of a sea of dancing bodies as they swayed and thrummed against one another to the heavy sound. Bright flashes of lights fluttered, throwing neon colours across the room, momentarily shedding light upon the faces of the crowd.

One can barely tell one person from another in this huge jumble of bodies under the veil of darkness, but that didn’t matter to this particular couple. His hands was set securely on her waist, her back was facing him as they grinded against each other ever so slightly in unison.

They were in a world of their own on that hypnotic dance floor, totally unaware of being watched by a pair of eyes that rivalled a hawk’s across from where they were.

“Ji, you can kill someone with that murderous glare of yours. Stop.”

Kwon Jiyong reluctantly tore off his gaze away from them and glanced at his best-friend momentarily before turning back to the floor. “I can’t, Youngbae. No matter how hard I try,” he muttered, agony and fury evident in his voice.

Youngbae sighed before lifting his glass of champagne to his lips, silently glad that it was just the two of them tonight. Tonight, they will talk this out and end all of this. “It’s been over a year, Jiyong. It’s time to stop, to let go ... to let her go.”

Suddenly, a loud slam followed by the shattering of glass was heard. Jiyong now had Youngbae pressed up against the wall next to their table with his hand clutched tightly at the collar of the latter man’s shirt.

With a deadly glare, Jiyong breathed heavily as he stared down at Youngbae. “I said, I can’t. I can’t let her go. I won’t and never will. So shut the up, Youngbae. I don’t want to hit you.”

Youngbae calmly stood his ground with an equal levelled stare, his own hand now gripping Jiyong’s, “Even if you do hit me after this, I’m going to say it anyway.”

“Shut up, Youngbae. I’ll really—”

“Chaerin’s not coming back.”

That was it. The trigger. The trigger that unlocked the realization beneath the denial he held on so strongly for the past year. He could feel the familiar ache in his chest, the excruciating pain he felt every time he found himself face to face with the truth that he tried so hard to evade, the fact that she was no longer his, that she was no longer here next to him anymore...

Jiyong’s hold loosened and slowly fell to his side as he felt his strength leave him.

It’s a lie. It’s all a lie. This isn’t reality. This isn’t reality.

As Youngbae noticed the change in his best friend, he carefully pressed on, “She won’t be coming back, Ji. Get it through your thick head. Do you know how difficult it is for us, your friends, no, your brothers to watch you torturing yourself like this?”

With tears now b in his eyes, Jiyong sealed his dark brown orbs, willing himself for composure. He shook his head slowly as he rested his palms on the table for support, avoiding eye contact. “No...”

“Jiyong, listen to me—”

“I refuse. I won’t accept this,” Jiyong muttered before grabbing the bottle of whiskey on the table and started to down it swiftly, glug after glug.

It was a haze after that.

Jiyong didn’t know how he stumbled out of the club and into the back alley alone, nor did he remember how he managed to escape from Youngbae. He didn’t know a lot of things, everything was a blur to him—the world spun, and the floor felt like it was falling under his feet.

All he really noticed as soon as he stepped out into the main streets, was his soaked clothes and how heavy they weighed on his body.

Rain...

The rain was falling harshly on rooftops, creating loud pounding noises upon impact. The rain came in thick streaks that covered the dark streets in a melancholic silver layer of water. The street was poorly lit with only a few streetlights as its source of light. There were no signs of moving vehicles or taxis around the area, and there wasn’t even a shadow of passing pedestrians in sight.

He was alone, alone in this cold, dark world and there was no one to save him.

Jiyong staggered his way dazedly down the sidewalk, looking for his car, completely unaffected by the rain. He felt numb, strangely so, from the cold rain, from the pain, from everything. Was it a good thing? He didn’t know for sure.

He was about to ignite his engine and greet the loud roar of his car, but stopped as he stared at emptiness of his right wrist.

Suddenly, his mind cleared. Shock hit him hard, almost knocking him out breathless as he quickly searched his jeans pockets, his jacket, and around his seat.

His red bracelet was gone.

His heart began to thump wildly in his chest, his breaths now came heavy with panic. Jiyong slammed his car door shut and greeted the harsh downpour of rain once again. He dove for the sidewalk, his eyes and hands now frantically searching every inch of the pavement, in hopes to find his prized possession.

No, no, no. It can’t be gone.

He traced back his steps and continued to scan every contour of the sidewalk despite the soaking rain, the puddles of water. His chest heaved deeply in every breath, his breathing now irregular. His insides churned, he could feel the bile rising to his throat, as apprehension gnawed at him, leaving him helpless in his panicked state.

Oppa!

Her voice was so loud and clear that it made his head throb. The rain continued to pour relentlessly, the raging lightning and thunder crackled in the dark sky. Tears flickered in his eyes, his vision now masked in a translucent haze. He frantically felt for the sidewalk, in search for the familiar touch of his red band.

It has to be around here somewhere. It can’t be gone. We can’t end like this.

Desperation burned the ends of his sanity, pushing him into an abyss of hysteria. Hope was diminishing as minutes passed on, with no sign of his bracelet. A precious memory pushed through his subconscious and unfolded itself in front of his eyes...


“Jingyo! Look at these! Can we get them?” he watched her stare at a pair of red and black bracelets with a child-like glint in her eyes, she had one hand pressed up against the glass while her other held onto his tightly in her grasp. It was a wintry morning, and they were out shopping for Christmas gifts for their friends and family. The sky had just exploded into a shimmer of white confetti then, it slowly blanketed the frozen streets of the city with its graceful white snow.

He smiled at her child-like charm and settled his gaze upon the pair of matching bracelets. Instantly, he understood why she was so ecstatic about it. The bracelets had a simple, delicate design, with small matching silver crosses as charms. They gleamed and sparkled gloriously under the light, leaving one spellbound by its beauty.

“Let’s go inside.”

Within half an hour, they walked out of the store hand in hand with their new token of love securely clasped on their wrists. He swung their intertwined hands lightly with a grin plastered on his face, relishing at the sight of their matching bracelets that twinkled as the identical silver cross charms clinked softly.

His eyes then sought for hers, hoping she felt the same. He was not disappointed; he saw equal admiration reflected in her eyes. He watched as a smile crept to her lips, her eyes morphing into little crescent moons. He held up their intertwined hands and kissed her ring finger of her left hand, “The next time we get matching accessories, I’ll make sure it’ll be rings.”

Her contagious laughter then filled the air around them. It reminded him of white daisies under the warm sunlight and bright skies of Spring. Soon, he found himself laughing with her as well, basking in her love and companionship. “And why rings, Jingyo?”

He grinned, “So I can bind you to me forever.”


As swiftly as it came, the pilot light of memory flickered and the distant panorama faded from his eyes, bringing him back to the present where he was shaking, chilled to the bone and completely disoriented.

The rain poured harder, wrapping him in its cruel haze of opalescent drops.

His heart clenched tightly in his chest, the intense growing pain now too torturous to bear. His knees gave way, and soon he felt the cold broken concrete beneath him, the icy water grazing his face. As a violent tremble ripped through his body, he realized he was sobbing; there was a distinct sound of sorrow that escaped his lips in every breath he took. A sound he wasn’t used to hearing, a sound he never knew could come from the depths of his existence.
 

Lying down on the cold sidewalk, Jiyong looked up at the sky with a bitter smile on his lips. The heavy raindrops hit his face mercilessly; they felt like sharp knives coldly cutting across his skin. His tears now mixed with rainwater cascaded down the sides of his cheeks. “Ain’t it ironic... that night was exactly like this one.”

He could vividly remember that night. The night she left him, that unforgettable night from a year ago. The rain was especially heavy, he could hear the loud splatter and a rumbling thunder, intensified by the fierce whirring of the wind. He could clearly recall the freezing temperature that night as he sat in the shadows of his bedroom, calling her for the umpteenth time, only to be greeted by the voicemail. Their last conversation was unfinished, something he needed to fix. He had to. He didn’t want to lose her, not when she was everything to him.

“Oppa, I’m sorry...”

Just listen to me... Please.

“I can’t take this anymore.”

No, wait. Chaerin, don’t do this to me.

“I’m sorry, Oppa. I really am. I love you. But even with you, I feel so lonely.”

The last words that escaped her lips in their last conversation rang cruelly in his ears, acted like venom being injected into his soul, gradually poisoning him and killing him slowly but all the while efficiently. He remembered how he just kept calling and calling that night, redialling her number like his life depended on it...but to no avail—she never answered him. He could remember how he woke up with his phone next to his ear the next morning.

She didn't return his call either.

He remembered dashing out of his apartment to look for her as soon as he woke up, only to hear the news that she had left the country. It was as if she vanished into thin air, leaving him confused and lost at her sudden disappearance. YG wouldn't even tell him where she was, what she was up to.

"You don’t need to know Jiyong. I'm setting up a tour for Big Bang, go to places, see the world. Walk forward and never look back."

He fell into denial soon after. He kept telling himself, reminding himself that it wasn’t over between them. Their story wasn’t over, that she was just away on a holiday. She just needed a short break and she’ll come back soon.

She’ll definitely come back to him, and everything would return to the way it always was, the way it was supposed to be.

But she didn’t. She wouldn’t.
Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

Reality was there, standing in front of him. All he had to do was reach out and accept it. Accept it and in time, he will heal and be free from this suffering. His mind yelled at him rationally to embrace the truth, the fact that she was gone, but his heart refused. In his heart, he still wanted to hold onto that beautiful, blissful story of theirs.

Their story so precious, that he couldn’t find it in him to let go.

If he had the chance, he would rewrite their story. Editing away the times they fought, correct his wrongs, dwelling on their happy memories; he would fix everything and give her nothing more than bliss and happiness.

He would have given her the world.

He shouted in agony, a strangled and painful bellow to the heavens that offered him consolation only through the tears that connected the earth and the heavens. He screamed, and screamed till his voice grew hoarse. His heartbroken cries echoed throughout the empty street, before every choked sound dissolved into pouring rain.

The crystal beads continued to descend from the heavens as he laid still on the concrete pavement, allowing the rain drown him in misery, engulf him in the sorrow he was too broken to rise from. He drew his right hand further to his chest. Without his red band, his wrist felt empty, as if handicapped. Fighting back the sobs that ascended from the bottom of his throat, he gazed at the darkened sky, gray wisps of clouds floated above him.

Despair engulfed him, wreathing its claws around him, pulling him into a deeper, darker oblivion. He was forced to go on, unwillingly... the clockworks of his world, the gears of his destiny, everything was forced to advance without her.

And without her, he didn’t know if he could keep up with the speed of the world as well.

He will waste away this night, with a flood of whiskey and tears until the rain melts all that's left inside.

Because tomorrow he would leave.

His glazed eyes fell on a hazy figure in front of him, walking towards him and kneeling down, holding his hand and slipping something he could no longer recognize. He sees her face, whether it was out of the spiral of delusion or over fatigue, he was not sure. He murmurs one name as his vision blurs, the edges of his panorama burns black.